Situation, someone want to point out what I did wrong? (Grab a cup of coffee)

February 12, 2006

she was calling because she felt chemistry with you, was interested in you, and was testing you to see if she could trust you. try to imagine getting screwed around and your heart stomped on by a couple of jerks and what that must feel like to a woman. and how you might then deal with the whole dating issue when you found someone that you connected with.

To be honest (I guess because I am a guy?) I don't see a connection between calling all the time.. (clingyness) and building trust. I believe building trust is when you two can (overtime) prove to one another.. that you are trustworthy by talking on a deeper.. more "earthly" level. It must be a girl thing that I don't understand.. atleast with this girl. I've built trust with other girls in other ways than this.

Thing is... it was the amount of emotions she showed that scared me off. She came on too strong.. way too strong. She pressured me away, instead of talking to me about the issue.. she just kept on going head strong into the situation.

I can't talk to her all the time on the phone, I am busy with school/work. I'll call, chat for a bit.. then I gotta go. Furthermore, I am not a phone person to begin with, I like to talk to people in person.

obviously you connected with her too or you would never have pressed her for the relationship with the ultimatum.

That was part of it, the other part was that she was pressing too hard... that was the main reason that I gave her the choice. I was getting annoyed at the level of clingyness she was showing, for just dating after a month.

Like I said before, I think it was more influation than anything else. I wasn't playing her game.. and she didn't like it.

Btw, I have admitted to making mistakes with this one;

1. Telling her I was dating other people.

2. I don't think giving the ultimatum was the best course of action in hindsight, I just got tired of being corner like I was. She wanted attention on my part, but I am not willing to devout that attention to someone I am just dating.. espically when that person keeps saying "I want to take it slow...".

Isn't this is a two way street also? I feel like I am the only bad person here.

February 12, 2006

bad guy, no. just responding to your thread title, is all. you asked what YOU were doing wrong.

connection between clinginess and trust is symbiotic, very closely intertwined, almost integral. if you don't trust that someone you care about also cares about you, you cling. very simple.

while her behavior may have a little weird, i tend to think it was due to being hurt. because that is what she said, and also because there was a period in my life during my separation and divorce where i found it very difficult to trust a man i was very attracted to, and a similar thing happened in my situation.

i didn't do the calling, in fact i was very aloof. but i did the testing about trust bigtime. i don't think i'm totally projecting onto her tho, because that is what she said too.

February 12, 2006

connection between clinginess and trust is symbiotic, very closely intertwined, almost integral. if you don't trust that someone you care about also cares about you, you cling. very simple.

Isn't there a line to be crossed however?

Back in December.. if I went into the "missed calls" section in my phone; 85% of the missed calls, were from her. Probably (atleast) 10-15 a week. I don't know how many of them I picked up.. as it doesn't list those.

Btw, I wasn't ignoring the calls, I just can't carry a cell during my job.

February 12, 2006

sure there is a line to be crossed. i'm just inviting you to understand the psychology of her behavior. didn't you say that started when you told her you were dating others?

you didn't ask what she did wrong, you asked what you did wrong.

February 12, 2006

sure there is a line to be crossed. i'm just inviting you to understand the psychology of her behavior. didn't you say that started when you told her you were dating others?

Not really.

It started after our 2nd date (end of November). I told her about the dating others issue the second week of us dating.. right after we dated for the first time.

It became worse as it progressed in December.

February 12, 2006

you didn't ask what she did wrong, you asked what you did wrong.

Yeah.. I know.

I am (I guess subconciously) trying to validate my decisions based on what I saw...

February 12, 2006

"This is where it gets kind of tricky;

Because I was dating another two girls at the same time (nutting sexual with them however), and I tend to be somewhat honest and open (I know how much girls just love surprises........), I told her that while we are dating, that I am conintuining to see other girls. She gets somewhat upset with me.. and gives me a stern phone call on a Friday night, telling me that she didn't appreciate what I told her.

Somehow, someone at work thought I had gone out on an actual date with someone on a sunday night (I didn't.. was working on a r-paper for school), and she told her. Well, she got really, really, upset about it. She called a good amount that week, I ignored the calls, and put it towards voicemail. She sounded like she was going to break down. I was like "ooooh, boy". She told a friend of mine that she thought I wasn't interested in her, and she didn't know what to do.. that I didn't call her that much, and she didn't know what I was thinking. (Mind you, she never told me this.. I found this out from another person). Within a few days after Thanksgiving, I call her and talk to her over the phone for almost an hour during the afternoon. Probably the longest I've been on the phone with a chick in ages.

I went out on another date with her the following SUnday.. however, she threw me a curve ball. She invited her sister along also. The conversation was good, lots of laughs and such. She was playing footsy under the bench at the place where we were at.. however, having the sister along kind of precluded me from attempting to make a deeper connection with her.

From that point on, she continues to call. I return them/pick them up when I can, but.. she is putting a great deal amount of pressure on me from this point on. She wants to take it slow, however, what she is doing is what would happen when you're in a relationship, not when you're dating. So, she is defintely sending me mixed signals."

---------

read this part again, and especially note the position in the story of the underlined part.

to answer your question--what you could have done differently, is tell her either you are dating other women and do NOT want a relationship with her, or when you noticed how upset she got, to decide to give it a go and talk to her about not dating others. what you should not have done was ignore her, unless you wanted to blow her off completely. she was just in a fragile state, and i don't know how temporary this was for her, but she may have had trust issues that went deeper.

February 12, 2006

She is playing silly games....... find someone more similiar to you. You seem to be a man with a head on his shoulders, so use it. If a girl says she wants to take things slow, than respect it. If she doesnt want you to see other girls, than thats the fast paced relationship she really wants. Its more slow paced when a girl says "I dont mind, were still starting out,so go ahed out with others to see where your head is at."

on the other hand, why do you still want to be with other women? Even if its not sexual. I dont wanna be around anyone but my man, But sometimes, like right now, when I am stressed, Iam vulnerable to a man who wants to just smoke a j and talk about problems, which usually ends up being a flirty mess cuz I am a very attractive woman who meets men all day long with no effort. Trust me, I have guys pull up to me in $50,000 cars dripping with diamonds (I live in DC) and I ignore them all day. Until, like I said, I get depressed and vulnerable, the diamonds start to talk alittle. SO THAT MAY BE WHY YOU SEEK COMPANIONSHIP OF ANOTHER WOMAN, cuz she doesnt give you all you need, just the same as me.

February 12, 2006

---------
read this part again, and especially note the position in the story of the underlined part.

to answer your question--what you could have done differently, is tell her either you are dating other women and do NOT want a relationship with her, or when you noticed how upset she got, to decide to give it a go and talk to her about not dating others. what you should not have done was ignore her, unless you wanted to blow her off completely. she was just in a fragile state, and i don't know how temporary this was for her, but she may have had trust issues that went deeper.

Yup. That happend before the second date.. mind you.

The weekend after that, we went out on our second date...

After that, it became even worse. I should have realized that she was an emotional wreck, and dropped the issue then.

I didn't ignore her, per say.. I just didn't want to deal with it at the time, so I talked to her later on in the week.

Like I said.. pressure is a killer. I don't need anymore pressure in my life as it is, hence me agreeing to taking it slow...

February 12, 2006

she wanted slow as in needing assurance, not as in casual.

February 12, 2006

Yup. That happend before the second date.. mind you.

The weekend after that, we went out on our second date...

After that, it became even worse. I should have realized that she was an emotional wreck, and dropped the issue then.

I didn't ignore her, per say.. I just didn't want to deal with it at the time, so I talked to her later on in the week.

Like I said.. pressure is a killer. I don't need anymore pressure in my life as it is, hence me agreeing to taking it slow...

true but their had been alot of texting and interaction between you already.

you said you ignored her and let the calls go to voicemail.

if you didn't want pressure--well frankly i think the way you talked to her earlier was pressure--that paragraph where you said her excuse for not dating was bad etc.

February 12, 2006

She is playing silly games....... find someone more similiar to you. You seem to be a man with a head on his shoulders, so use it. If a girl says she wants to take things slow, than respect it. If she doesnt want you to see other girls, than thats the fast paced relationship she really wants. Its more slow paced when a girl says "I dont mind, were still starting out,so go ahed out with others to see where your head is at."

EXACTLY!

People take dating way, way to seriously. I like to go out, and have a good time. Depending on where things lead, we'll take it from there. People telling me I can't date other people.. want commitment. It would seem like she wants her cake.. and brownie too. You can't have both however.

[QUPTE]on the other hand, why do you still want to be with other women? Even if its not sexual.

Just for fun? I am not a player, at all. I just want to meet girls, date them.. and see if we connect at all.

I dont wanna be around anyone but my man, But sometimes, like right now, when I am stressed, Iam vulnerable to a man who wants to just smoke a j and talk about problems, which usually ends up being a flirty mess cuz I am a very attractive woman who meets men all day long with no effort. Trust me, I have guys pull up to me in $50,000 cars dripping with diamonds (I live in DC) and I ignore them all day. Until, like I said, I get depressed and vulnerable, the diamonds start to talk alittle. SO THAT MAY BE WHY YOU SEEK COMPANIONSHIP OF ANOTHER WOMAN, cuz she doesnt give you all you need, just the same as me.

Thing is.. I wasn't her "man". Yes, I was the only guy she was dating at the time.. but, I wasn't her "man". I would hope not, as that proves that she truly didn't want to take it slow.

If you are depressed.. get involved in other activies. Work out, pick up a sport etc. I think many people (myself included) think that a companion will help us, but actually.. it won't. We must be happy with ourselves before we can be happy with another person.

But, thats my opinion.

February 12, 2006

true but their had been alot of texting and interaction between you already.

you said you ignored her and let the calls go to voicemail.

if you didn't want pressure--well frankly i think the way you talked to her earlier was pressure--that paragraph where you said her excuse for not dating was bad etc.

Yeah, there had been. Just not on the level that was displayed in December.. that caught me off guard.

Yeah, I did let them go to voicemail. I was at work, and I didn't need a social pressure as I was trying to do my job.

When I put that pressure on her.. it was a little more than a month before we were going out. I would have hoped that pressure was releaved by then.

February 12, 2006

"She said no.. that she doesn't have the time, and she has been hurt in the past with her prior jerk boyfriends. I told her that I found that to be a bad excuse. She called me a jerk, said she was happy that my "true colors" had come out. I told her that I was tired of being told bull**** lies, tired of being lead around. She said that she was also tired of the same stuff."

---

If you wanted to keep it light and breezey and casual, why did you say this stuff? she hadn't even gone out with you and you are accusing her of this stuff?

come on, be consistent with yourself.

you should have just respected her decision and left her alone, or if you were going to play this game, then NOT have led HER on, then continued to date others.

February 12, 2006

she wanted slow as in needing assurance, not as in casual.

Ok.. I am obviously not connecting on this.

Assurance as to what? My trustworthiness?

I can see where I am getting confunked here.

February 12, 2006

yes. that you were for real. unlike the other jerks who had manipulated her and lied to her.

February 12, 2006

"She said no.. that she doesn't have the time, and she has been hurt in the past with her prior jerk boyfriends. I told her that I found that to be a bad excuse. She called me a jerk, said she was happy that my "true colors" had come out. I told her that I was tired of being told bull**** lies, tired of being lead around. She said that she was also tired of the same stuff."
---
If you wanted to keep it light and breezey and casual, why did you say this stuff? she hadn't even gone out with you and you are accusing her of this stuff?

come on, be consistent with yourself.

you should have just respected her decision and left her alone, or if you were going to play this game, then NOT have led HER on, then continued to date others.

I said it.. because its true. Why didn't she just come out and tell me she wasn't interested? It would have made things easier. Thing is.. she lied. She dated me a month after, and then she started dating someone within a week or so of us ending it. Point is.. I don't like lieing/bull****.. I'll call it when I see it.

Yes.. it makes me look like an ass. If she had said "I am not interested in you, sorry" Then it would be a "Oh, no problem.. thanks anyway" End of discussion.

I did leave her alone after she told me that. Like I said before, it was SHE who was running after me.. after I asked her out. (The first time) She upped the interest level.. the clingy level.

I should have told her that I wasn't interested, and left it at that. Of course.. she would have been pissed at me. I was in a bit of a pickle, no?

February 12, 2006

yes. that you were for real. unlike the other jerks who had manipulated her and lied to her.

I know.

I never lied to her.. I tried to keep things up and front.

However, what do YOU think I should have done when she upped the clingyness in December?

Just curious on your take.

February 12, 2006

I said it.. because its true. Why didn't she just come out and tell me she wasn't interested? It would have made things easier. Thing is.. she lied. She dated me a month after, and then she started dating someone within a week or so of us ending it. Point is.. I don't like lieing/bull****.. I'll call it when I see it.
Yes.. it makes me look like an ass. If she had said "I am not interested in you, sorry" Then it would be a "Oh, no problem.. thanks anyway" End of discussion.

I did leave her alone after she told me that. Like I said before, it was SHE who was running after me.. after I asked her out. (The first time) She upped the interest level.. the clingy level.

I should have told her that I wasn't interested, and left it at that. Of course.. she would have been pissed at me. I was in a bit of a pickle, no?

you shouldn't get so personal with a woman whom you haven't even dated yet. that statement makes alot of assumptions about her interest level and your interest level. it is NOT what some guy who is only interested in light and breezy, would say.

February 12, 2006

I know.

I never lied to her.. I tried to keep things up and front.

However, what do YOU think I should have done when she upped the clingyness in December?

Just curious on your take.

you never lied to her but you sent her a hell of alot of mixed signals which confused her to no end.

you should have sat down with her and had a talk and told her you were not interested in a relationship. or stopped dating others and tell her, and ask her if she wants to date you. but put some boundaries down about the amount of calling, in a nice way, and see whether she respected them. if not, adios.

February 12, 2006

you shouldn't get so personal with a woman whom you haven't even dated yet. that statement makes alot of assumptions about her interest level and your interest level. it is NOT what some guy who is only interested in light and breezy, would say.

Sorry.. I dunno if I mentioned in the first post, but I had known her for over 8 months (or so) before asking her out.

We weren't friends... per say.

I do see your point however.

February 12, 2006

you never lied to her but you sent her a hell of alot of mixed signals which confused her to no end.

you should have sat down with her and had a talk and told her you were not interested in a relationship. or stopped dating others and tell her, and ask her if she wants to date you. but put some boundaries down about the amount of calling, in a nice way, and see whether she respected them. if not, adios.

I agree on the mixed signals.. it was sent both ways.

But.. its just dating? Would not dating others, make us.. exclusive? If you will?

Thats what confuses me.

I never posted an update to this, as I saw no point.

We ended up talking for about 2 and a half hours last Sunday. (Online however), I wanted closure.. and I dunno if I got it or not. I believe I got closure on my end.. but, I dunno about hers.

She called me the next morning.. to chat. She wanted to know if I was at college on that morning.. etc etc. I dunno whats going through her mind, she could just want to be friends. If thats the case, then it won't happen for awhile.

February 12, 2006

listen to yourself. you want closure for a non-relationship that was supposed to be non-exclusive dating with a friend you knew for 8 months and you told her you were tired of bs and being led around?

this is all exclusive relationship talk. if she/it was casual to you, you would not be posting about it or wanting closure. you care about this woman, but you aren't admitting it to yourself. you are still playing the non-exclusive game. you're the one full of bs.

i mean that to be helpful.

February 12, 2006

listen to yourself. you want closure for a non-relationship that was supposed to be non-exclusive dating with a friend you knew for 8 months and you told her you were tired of bs and being led around?

This is true. She brought it up, not me however. Yeah yeah.. excuses. Thing is, she told a friend of mine the day before, that she was still pissed at me because I didn't call her back in December. I dunno why I even talked about it with her to be honest.

this is all exclusive relationship talk. if she/it was casual to you, you would not be posting about it or wanting closure. you care about this woman, but you aren't admitting it to yourself. you are still playing the non-exclusive game. you're the one full of bs.

i mean that to be helpful.

What do you suggest then?

I've already done a NC with her, been almost a week.

February 12, 2006

what do you want?

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Situation, someone want to point out what I did wrong? (Grab a cup of coffee)

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