Friend Wants to Give me Lessons on How to Date

[Lilly]

I have been divorced for three years. I am now at a point where I want to start dating someone on an exclusive basis. However, I have found that if a guy finds out that you want a relationship, he runs for the hills.

 

My friend told me yesterday that I have been doing this all wrong. She has been divorced since Nov. '05 and is not that attractive but says she has had tons of dates. I ask her how she is doing this and she said that she goes to all of the singles hangouts (mostly bars) and she meets lots of men. She even said that most of the time she goes to these places alone. She said that when she meets a guy, they immediately ask her what she is looking for and she says she is not looking for anything. Just wants to date and have fun. She said that she is going to beat these men at their own game. She told me she has a stack of business cards given to her by men.

 

So when I told her what I was doing in order to meet someone (which is just trying to get out more) she said that I was doing it all wrong. We are supposed to go out together this week because she wants to show me how it's done.

 

I'm a little nervous about her method. I think men are just going to think I'm looking for a one night stand which I am not.

 

Do you people think I should listen to her and follow her way of meeting men? Maybe I have been doing it wrong and should be more aggressive.

 

I am an attractive woman in good shape, but I just can't seem to meet anyone that isn't a player.

[Gator762]

Not for nothing, but it sounds like with the places that she goes to, you'll get players.

 

Still, I don't think it would hurt to go out with her at least once. Women actually initiate a connection first, usually some kind of eye contact, smile, body posturing, or something to let a man know she is interested.

[dgiirl]

Well, you want to date someone exclusive. Your friends method doesnt sound like it has the same goal in mind. However, if you havent been dating at all in that 3 years, then maybe you should try your friends method just to start interacting with different types of men. If your hanging out at the bar, I'm sure you'll meet up with a lot of players. But it's good practice to spot them a mile away anyways and learning how to turn them down

 

I do agree with one thing your friend says. You cant tell guys (or girls) right off the bat you're looking for a relationship. You have NO clue who this person is and you want a relationship? I think it might be better for you to not have any expectations when you go into dating these men and let things progress naturally. Just cos your not looking for a relationship doesnt mean you're looking for a one night stand either. You're looking for some companionship for a few hours. A night out on the town and having some fun. If he thinks you're going to sleep with him for that, then you'll find out soon and weed out the duds

 

Btw, have you tried any match making websites? Not that I'm recommending you to go out on any dates with the guys you meet there, but it might be good practice for you to talk with guys. You'll learn the things you should and shouldnt say. You'll become comfortable with yourself and your needs and when you do go on real dates you'll be yourself!

[TheSwordfish]

I say this, go to the busstop. look for a nice guy, hop on teh bus and talk to him. I'm a guy and this way I get most of my phone numbers. Somehow I'm able to get a lot of information from these girls by just being polite and interested. I even like experimenting to see how much they tell me anout themselves. I'm always amazed by the things girls tell me without knowing me at all (I'm just asking questions and politely answering theirs). Smiling and being intersted does the trick.

 

And well about telling what you're looking for in a man? Never tell that right away. It can be really off putting,. When I meet someone I'm not thinking on teh long term. I just think, what a nice girl, I would like to get to know her.

 

Bars are awfull spots to meet people, if you ask me.....

[Lilly]

dgiirl, no I have dated a few guys since my divorce. Each one I dated for a couple of months and they just didn't work out. I dated one guy for almost a year and was crazy about him, but when he realized he was in a relationship, he told me he wasn't interested in being in a relationship with anyone and he ran for the hills. He actually told me that he woke up one day and realized he was in a full blown relationship and was scared to death. He broke my heart. I've had a hard time getting over him. He is the only one I thought I was in a relationship with. He even took me to meet his family.

 

TheSwordfish, I agree with you completely. I think bars are a terrible place to meet people. That is why I have not gone there to meet people. I just don't know what else to do. Yes, I did try the internet dating websites and I can tell you, I have not seen so many players in my life. You start talking to someone and then all of a sudden they just disappear for no apparent reason.

 

However, I guess I will go out with her at least once to see what it is like.

[dgiirl]

By the sounds of it, you're not having trouble talking with men. However, you might be going after the wrong type of guys. As for the exbf, sounds like HE has issues, not you. As hard as it is, you have to not internalize it. We're not always the one with problems hehe

 

I'd go out and have some fun. Just for the sheer experience to say "Yah I did that and boy i wont do that again" And then you can laugh at the experience

 

I dont have much else to say since I'll be officially divorced next month, and I havent dated anyone for the whole damn year. But I'm starting to talk with different types of men via online dating sites. I'm using it to evaluate who I am and what I'm looking for. Looking for patterns of the type of guy I'm interested in and realizing that it doesnt match who in my head says I want.

 

Dating sucks

[Lilly]

Thank you dgiirl for your help. Yes, dating does suck.