vampira Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Never thought myself to be one who would ever come to a crossroads... I'm too sure of my direction. But in the midst of a break, I'm confronted with the option of giving a second chance to my partner or facing the discomfort and guilt if I do not. I cant help but feel that giving a second chance is the weak option - it avoids confrontation, issues can be swept away without the hassle of that thing we call 'dealing'. Then again, what kind of person cant offer another a chance? It's like the ruthless, cold person in me vs. the weak emotional wreck. I dont want to be guilted into resuming a relationship I have practical reasons for wanting to break from, then again the process of getting out is just as emotionally difficult.
CaliGuy Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Has he changed at all? If not, then a second chance is doomed to failure. The thing is, it's not the 'easy' way out to give a second chance if the ground rules are laid out and the person has made a concerted effort to change. If they have not, then it will not work. Don't do it because you feel sorry for him. Do it because you feel it's worth a shot, because he changed and to set your mind at ease (if it fails, at least you know you gave it your best). Again if nothing has changed, a second chance is pointless. Sit him down, tell him your concerns and talk about it. If you can't come to a resolution then part knowing you tried. I believe second chances will only if both parties have made significant strides towards ironing out their differences and are willing to work on earnest to make their changes permanent. Whatever you decide, good luck. 1
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Can you give us some background? Are you feeling guilty because you acted poorly in the relationship? Perhaps guilt is your conscience telling you that you've made a mistake by walking away.
Author vampira Posted January 24, 2006 Author Posted January 24, 2006 Has he changed at all? If not, then a second chance is doomed to failure. The thing is, it's not the 'easy' way out to give a second chance if the ground rules are laid out and the person has made a concerted effort to change. He says so. I think he has become aware of the issues that were becoming a problem, mainly my need for independence. I'm not one that likes to be crowded, I have my own life and my own goals. I just dont know how to reconcile that with being in a relationship, now or in the future. So at least while I am young, I dont feel the need to compromise what is such a huge part of who I am. He now acknowledges that its too much to demand to be 'my everything' and that there are two people here not just one entity. Even still, I dont know if I have it in me to give another chance. Are you feeling guilty because you acted poorly in the relationship? Perhaps guilt is your conscience telling you that you've made a mistake by walking away. No, I mean the kind of guilt that comes from not wanting hurt others. It's difficult for me to break away because I dont want to see anyone get hurt. I feel guilt for not having the ability to give a second chance. Either way I look at things, its not rosy. Maybe what I am really saying is, I dont want to give a second chance but I feel slightly obliged to.
salmagundi Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Hey vampira, I have to respond to your post because it makes me think of my ex. We are presently doing an up and down reconciliation dance. If we do make it, great but honestly, if we dont, I will wish like hell we had just ended it cleanly and walked away the first time because by now I would be well on my way to being over her. When you say you value your independence and dont want to compromise yourself by getting in a relationship, thats fine. Its also honest. But think about how your waffling is compromising your ex's mental health. If you're keeping him around because you feel guilty about hurting him, just stop. He doesnt give a **** about you feeling guilty when keeping him dancing at the end of a string will only hurt him more. I dont want to say you're being selfish, but you are...I mean a little bit. I dont care if you feel guilty about ending it either. I think about how much better off he would be if you cut him loose, let him take the pain and then move on. He'll be way ahead that way. On the other hand, you dont need me to tell you that relationships are about compromise. F*ck buddies have no expectations but relationships do demand compromise. You are right in that it still has to be about two people, of course. And if he understands that and you care about him and can set boundaries that he will respect and you can both talk about what you want in a relationship and how you can get it... then maybe you should try again. However, he shouldn't want a second chance with a weak emotional wreck...if he's smart he'll let the cold ruthless person cut him loose. He'll be happier in the long run. So yeah, relationships are about two people, not just one...and so are breakups. You need to think about whats good for him too... sorry if i sound a little stern, salmagundi
Recommended Posts