WoWaddict Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 My fiance acts like just because he is the man and the provider, that he has the upper hand in the relationship. He makes important decisions without asking me how I feel, such as changing the plans on a move, buying a new car, etc etc. ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!! How do i deal with this or get him to stop!!!
Becoming Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Have you checked out http://www.marriagebuilders.com? One of their marriage busters is making independent decisions without full consent of other partner. Cardinal rule. It helped my husband to see that. My husband did this crap to me until one day he'd done a deal on a car and I wouldn't sign off on it. He needed my signature, and I said, "No. I've told you before I do not like it when you do things like this, and you obviously didn't think I meant it because here you are doing it again." He had to go back to the salesman and lose face. That doesn't mean he still doesn't try to pull this. But I refuse to play when he does this stuff. Honestly, the best thing was when I started making more money and he had to depend on me. When it was possible for me to leave and be on my own, he started catching a clue that if he wanted to keep me he had to start treating me as his equal partner and not a "yes, dear, whatever you want, dear" woman from some 1950's myth.
Author WoWaddict Posted January 24, 2006 Author Posted January 24, 2006 Have you checked out http://www.marriagebuilders.com? One of their marriage busters is making independent decisions without full consent of other partner. Cardinal rule. It helped my husband to see that. My husband did this crap to me until one day he'd done a deal on a car and I wouldn't sign off on it. He needed my signature, and I said, "No. I've told you before I do not like it when you do things like this, and you obviously didn't think I meant it because here you are doing it again." He had to go back to the salesman and lose face. That doesn't mean he still doesn't try to pull this. But I refuse to play when he does this stuff. Honestly, the best thing was when I started making more money and he had to depend on me. When it was possible for me to leave and be on my own, he started catching a clue that if he wanted to keep me he had to start treating me as his equal partner and not a "yes, dear, whatever you want, dear" woman from some 1950's myth. Yeah, I'm currently still in college, and he's working on becoming a police officer. So making an equal amount of money may be pretty far away. A lot of it has to do with the way he was brought up. His father is the same way. His family has that old-fashioned mentality. It's just really frustrating, because we're supposed to be equal. We're planning a big move, and he's constantly changing plans without asking me how i would feel about it. GRRRR im thinking about sitting down with him and talking about it tomorrow. any ideas on how i should talk to him about it?
Becoming Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Lord, honey, it took me 20 years to get through to my man. I must've been doing something wrong! But such as I've learned, I'll pass on to you. I wished I had asked him what his definition of equality was, what it looked like in everyday affairs. When I finally did ask, I realized we were miles apart on that one. His was a trad'l family, too. His father decided everything, and Mom was thankful she didn't have to worry her pretty little head about it. He thought we'd have the same thing. Your guy may be thinking he wants to spare you the details and may be upset when you question it, so assume the best and thank him for all his hard work first. But tell him how you really feel--left out, unimportant, second-class (right?) when he does {specific action}. Then tell him what you'd like specifically (I want to be part of the decision-making process instead of asked for consent after you've lined all the details up--my pet peeve--fill in your own, but get as specific as possible) and offer to take some of the work load where you can. Keep your tone even and friendly, as though you're just a friend trying to work out a problem with another friend. Good luck and tell us how it goes, ok?
Author WoWaddict Posted January 24, 2006 Author Posted January 24, 2006 thanks so much! thats really been a big help. im going to talk to him tomorrow I'll def come back with the details!
Recommended Posts