Karolyne Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Well...A little background to start. I am not someone who ever thought she would find herself in this position. I always had strong feelings about becoming involved with men who are taken, and I always stayed a clear distance from any kind of situation such as I find myself now. A little more than four years ago, I found my soulmate. He was perfect for me in every way. Even the things that were bad about him were perfectly fitted to some of my strengths. We were the couple that no one thinks exists in real life. We fell in love within two weeks, and that feeling never faded, only growing with time. We were the couple that stays in love despite hardship after hardship, the couple that fights through every rough spot, the couple that doesn't hit a lull of any sort because we were always actively finding new ways to keep our intense passion alive...We were going to be married last year, when fate stepped in and God took my soulmate from me in a car accident. I mourned him so much I nearly killed myself just for lack of trying to live. I barely ate a thing, barely got out of bed, and in the span of about eight months I lost 35 pounds just from wishing I had died with him and not wanting to make an effort to keep going without him. Through all of this, I had an older friend, Tim, that I talked to from time to time. He had known me when I was in love with C., given me advice on Honeymoon spots, he talked to me after C. died, talked me through some pretty depressing ****...All the while I admired and liked him a good deal, but I never took it beyond friendship, because he was married, and had children. In the past couple of months, my life has really turned around. I decided to start living again, to be a participating member of society, and to actually start picking up the pieces. I started finding my old self again...Again, Tim was there, talking me through it. I never thought he was interested in me, so I'd flirt with him. I thought it was harmless. I was VERY physically attracted to him (despite him being 14 years older, he's VERY well preserved, VERY fit, and VERY VERY hot), but I still thought he was safe to flirt with because I figured he'd never call me on it. Wrong. He did. I know for a fact he's never cheated on his wife before. But now he wants me...very badly. I think he's actually falling in love with me. I negver should have let things get this far, but I'll admit...a large part of me is still very broken after losing C. I've been so desperately lonely, and talking to him is the only time I haven't felt that way in over a year since C. died. he also reminds me a little of C. He looks how C. would have looked at that age, he's brilliant like C. was, has a similar sense of humor, and sees me through my outer facade in the way C. did. There are some benefits for me in what he has to offer. Most don't believe me on this, but I am pretty sure I will never love another man. What I had with C. is once in a lifetime, IF someone is lucky to even find it. I don't even want to try to find a man to love again. FORGET IT. But Tim...he's a friend...who would respect me...probably even love me...and give me lots of fantastic sex, which I am REALLY hurting for. And I don't do sex as a casual thing. But he isn't mine. He's married. He has children. He has a wife that barely touches him (a travesty as far as I am concerned). NOTHING physical has happened between us. I've been able to hold off that much. But there has definitely been some emotional infidelity, and I am just too weak to tell him to stop alltogether. And he's SO persistent...and I am not sure I can hold up much longer. I REALLY want him...and the release he offers. But 1) an increasingly smaller part of me wants him to stay faithful to his wife and 2) I know in time, the way he's headed, he could fall for me...and I don't want to cause upheaval in his life. I don't know his wife or his children, but I don't want to hurt them. I'm just so ****ing weak right now, every time I mean to break off contact with him, I can never stick to it because he makes me feel...a little less like the empty shell I've been since C. died. As selfish as it is...I'm so scared for that to go away. I don't know what to ask...just any outside input on the entire situation...from someone without bias...would be welcome.
helena abadi Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Sorry to hear what you have been through, Karolyne. Grieving for a lost love, taken away from you so brutally, does take its toll and the healing process is a long one. Understandably you want to fill the empty spaces. But the fact is: this guy is married. With children. And you said yourself that you don't want to cause them harm. The fact that he barely has sex with his wife is not your problem. It's his problem. Infidelity within a marriage can create massive havoc. As you may have read in the OM/OW posts, they are mostly tragic stories where a lot of people get deeply hurt and do serious damage to their lives. If he wants you that bad, he will leave his wife. Do you want him do do that? It looks as though he has already fallen for you. Have you considered other dating options (as difficult as it may seem right now when your attraction is clearly for the married man.)? If you haven't then perhaps now is the time to start looking for a single, available man.
Author Karolyne Posted January 24, 2006 Author Posted January 24, 2006 You're right, of course. I'm still at a point where I can walk away without any REAL harm being done. I don't know if he's falling for me, but I do know it will happen if I let it and I can't. I knew that...I just needed to hear it from someone else. He tried to rationalize things by telling me that his wife fantasizes about him with other women, tells him to think about another woman while he's with her. I suppose he wants me to feel like she wouldn't be hurt. EVEN if that were the case...I am already taking time away from his children. He stays late at work to talk to me. I'm already hurting them by letting this continue. I'm pretty sure now I can do what I need to do. Thanks for setting my head straight. -Kary
Becoming Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 K, I'm sorry for your loss. How long ago was that again? You know the answer; you said it yourself: I do know it will happen if I let it and I can't So don't let it. You know you're weak, so avoid him and when you do see him explain that there will be no more contact than absolutely necessary due to work because what your relationship is becoming is against what you feel good about regardless of the state of his marriage. Don't let him talk you into doing anything that you are not comfortable with. Apologize for leading him on and thank him for helping you heal. And then end it. Cut it off now. I suspect he's not altogether on the up and up, as much as you'd like to believe. Is there a way you could get his wife to wake up (if she really is asleep in the bedroom dept.?). Don't ruin your future because of your past.
travellingman Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 NOTHING physical has happened between us. Have you even acknowledged the feelings you have for each other?
Author Karolyne Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 travel, Yes. But he has never touched me. And he won't.
justagirliegirl Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 You are playing with fire but you already know that. What is it you are asking here? You know what to do; tell him to go home to his wife and inveset the effort and time he is putting into you into her through counseling or whatever to get his marriage back on track. Have you been to any counseling to deal with the loss of your partner?
Lishy Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 What a terribly sad story! I am so sorry to hear that K, it must be devastating beyond belief! I am pleased that you are now starting to live again (I am sure C would have wanted you to live your life to the full) The problem you now face is that you have a man in your life who loves you but you use him as your emotional crutch, you do not have to explain things to him, he just knows. He is easy to be around and he loves and cares for you and makes you feel wanted and safe (we all want that dont we) The problem lays with the fact that he is married with children! BIG problem! The thing is that it seems like this guy loves you, but it doenst seem that you feel quite the same. It would be easy for you to take things further with him, but where would it lead? His wife and children would lose him to you and he would be walking in C's shadow. To let things go further with this guy would be rather cruel of you, in my opinion. His feelings are real. This is such an awful situation for you to be in honey! My advise would be to walk away now, before things happen that cannot be reversed and before feelings get too deep - I am sure that if you was to have sex with him that your feelings would change completely - To go into this with your eyes wide open, i'm sure would go against everything you stand for. You seem like a lovely and thoughtful girl who would not hurt anyone deliberatly - Go with your gut instinct and forget this guy (romatically) You will just open yourself up for much more hurt and anguish - And I think you have had enough of that to last a lifetime!!!!! I wish you all the best honey and again I am so sorry to hear about your loss!
Author Karolyne Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 Lishy, that was a beautiful, kind response. you said, The thing is that it seems like this guy loves you, but it doenst seem that you feel quite the same. It would be easy for you to take things further with him, but where would it lead? His wife and children would lose him to you and he would be walking in C's shadow. To let things go further with this guy would be rather cruel of you, in my opinion. His feelings are real. This is such an awful situation for you to be in honey! This was another eye opener. Tim cares for me a GREAT deal. He was nothing but respectful until I took things further. More and more I see how monumental of a mistake that was. You are right in your assumption though. One of the reasons he appeals to me is because he would never be able to really expect commitment from me because of his situation. My heart is dead as far as romantic love. Tim knows this, but doesn't seem to feel like it's something that won't change. To the poster who asked what I was asking...I guess I just needed people to tell me what I already knew. To reaffirm what I had to do, so that I wouldn't have any doubts about it. And I did it. Last night, I told him what I've said here. I need to walk away before real damage can be done, the kind that is irreversable. I'll probably see him again from time to time (he is partners with an immediate family member in a small finance firm that handles billions of dollars), but he said he respected my wishes and would never contact me again. He was sad, but in time he'll see it was the right thing. I'm sad to lose a friend too in all this mess, but I have a lot of good people around me who care about me and can fill the gaps. Thanks again, guys.
lilmoma1973 Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 Sorry for your loss and what you are about to embark is wrong .. You are smart to think of the other's that will be hurt most people don't ! Maybe it is where you are hurting and you think it is more cause he is there for you.. You have to realize he is taken and you don't want to mess that up do you? It's a tuff situation but you don't want to be a homewrecker and besides if he won't leave wife could you handle that after what you have went through already .. No guarentees with MM .. Not judging just my 2 cents!!Good luck
realeve20 Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 travel, Yes. But he has never touched me. And he won't. Hellow Carolyn I am Realeve20 and I have read your post. I send my condolence to you on your husband's death and I will keep you in my prayers. Please do not go any further with this married man it will just make the pain even worse because you do not even know if he will do it to you some day if you to should ever get seriously involve. I will tell you a breef story about the two women I know in the recreational fecility I go to! Well we knew where she lived, but we did not know who her husban was until she showed one of the pictures to her friend. Well to make a long story short my church friend got involved with him because her husban died of cancer ;, and she felt guilty when she found out that the man wshe got involved with was her friends husband. Well it turns out that he was cheating on her with some other women! Going to a grief councelor , recieving emotional support from friends preferably female and joining a grief support group will be the best thing for you right now. You may or namay not want to get married again.
realeve20 Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 Praise the Lord that you chose to dump this married man with children and a wife who probably has problems of her own; and may you never have a relapse. Amen.
Becoming Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Congratulations, K, on doing the right thing even though it was hard. You saved yourself and at least two (+children) other people a great deal of future pain. Way to go, girl! :bunny:
lilmoma1973 Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Congratulations, K, on doing the right thing even though it was hard. You saved yourself and at least two (+children) other people a great deal of future pain. Way to go, girl! :bunny: Totally agree with Becoming good choice you made!!
Neptune Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Luv that avatar lilmoma1973;) (hot blond in champagne glass)
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Wow! You are really brave, K. You are my inspiration. I am also trying to do the right thing. It is hard when emotions get in the way. Distance is my best defense right now. Good luck!
Author Karolyne Posted January 30, 2006 Author Posted January 30, 2006 Hey guys...thanks for the congrats. It wasn't easy, but in the end it was right. Not just for them, for me too. I was trying to fill a space that C. left behind with someone else, but it was someone that was only destined to cause me more heartache one way or the other. Also, I couldn't bring myself to be selfish enough to cause three people hurt just to sooth my own hurt from my loss. It's nice to know I can still feel for someone else, and maybe in the years to come I will find it again with someone who I can actually HAVE. But the situation with this man is behind me. -Kary
realeve20 Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 yes: now you can enjoy life to the fullist drama free. Who needs all that drama: I don't. I was going out with a man that turns out to going with some else and no he was not married; but, anyway I dumped him. Take care.
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