mattea Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 in my idea of a good relationship, my partner will be my best friend. to me that in part means that we share vulnerabilities and feelings with each other - what i see as a big part of intimacy and what makes me feel known and that i really know someone else. my ex-boyfriend and i did not communicate and share our feelings in this way. it wasn't just with me that he didn't operate that way - i think his idea of friendships/relationships and definition of intimacy just was really different than mine. eventually we really grew apart. i've been worried with my current boyfriend because i don't feel he reveals all that much, but then we've only been dating for a few months. i did talk to him about this - that i am not rushing him but that i do want to know him and i want him to know me - that i don't want there to be big parts of ourselves we don't share - that i'm not in any rush but that i do want (eventually) that kind of openness and communication. he says he understands, and says that he knows he keeps a lot of things inside and that he's been working on that over time. how do others feel about it? how much openness do you want in your relationships? how long does it take for you to open up? what does it take for you to trust someone with your feelings?
gfto Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 I think it's fine to open up, but I do it very slowly. As long as there's no dishonesty or deception, I think it's better to not discuss vulnerabilities and that sort of stuff. I've never liked this notion of couples being each other's best friend. From a man's perspective, I think that can actually lower a woman's interest. After all, she's not my counselor, or my best buddy; she's my playmate! I'm always honest with her, but I open up very slowly. Instead of pouring my deepest thoughts and feelings onto her, I'd rather keep her laughing.
Author mattea Posted January 24, 2006 Author Posted January 24, 2006 thanks for the input. any others have different perspectives?
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 how do others feel about it? how much openness do you want in your relationships? how long does it take for you to open up? what does it take for you to trust someone with your feelings? I definitely want 100% openness. Coming to this is a process though - I trust the gf with something, I see how she treats it. Trust is earned over time. So if you want bf to open up, encourage him when he shares something small. Listen well, be helpful and give verbal appreciation. But be careful what you wish for. IME most girls *say* they want openness, but many of them don't really want it in practice. Many girls want the benefits of heart-to-heart at convenient moments with some imaginary romeo, but are unprepared for the long term costs of coping with the ups and downs of a real male. In this context, you should ask yourself why you select unexpressive males in the first place. It obviously fits something in you, even if it's just at a subconscious level.
dnm1010 Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 i think being open is so important whcih is why i was never into the concept of dating... i am a firm believer that in order to be in a relationship u need to be close friends first. my FH and i were best freinds first, and still are now.
lindya Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Many girls want the benefits of heart-to-heart at convenient moments with some imaginary romeo, but are unprepared for the long term costs of coping with the ups and downs of a real male. I admire a man who knows how to spot a niche and fill it
slubberdegullion Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Speaking as a dude who has a hard time "opening up," it's something that I have to work on myself. Thing is, when one opens up and lays all the emotions on the table for a partner to see, it's far more than just being vulnerable. Vulnerability I can handle. It when the partner then uses that information against me at some future point. I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I'm trainable. So when I give a partner a peek at my innermost self and then that information is turned back on me in an attack, I'll tend not to be so open next time. In my experience, opening up leads to a betrayal of trust, and that's happened to me over and over and over again. yea, I'm in a bit of a grey mood today 2
lindya Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Speaking as a dude who has a hard time "opening up," it's something that I have to work on myself. Thing is, when one opens up and lays all the emotions on the table for a partner to see, it's far more than just being vulnerable. Vulnerability I can handle. It when the partner then uses that information against me at some future point. I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I'm trainable. So when I give a partner a peek at my innermost self and then that information is turned back on me in an attack, I'll tend not to be so open next time. In my experience, opening up leads to a betrayal of trust, and that's happened to me over and over and over again. yea, I'm in a bit of a grey mood today I can identify with some of that, although I do feel that you have to just go for it anyway sometimes. Take the risk of trusting someone, though you know there's a risk that they might betray that trust. The alternative is that you don't live your life and experience your emotions to full capacity. Apparently yesterday was officially the most depressing day of the year.
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 I admire a man who knows how to spot a niche and fill it Niche-filling is one of my favourite activities
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 In my experience, opening up leads to a betrayal of trust, and that's happened to me over and over and over again. yea, I'm in a bit of a grey mood today True - I've had my trust betrayed too. But I agree with Lindya. Right now I'm thinking "no risk, no return"...
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