sweet28 Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 One of my biking partners, a MM old enough to be my father, has subtlely flirted with me since before I was married but has gotten very overt about it lately. I am not sure what to tell him. He only ever compliments his wife and talks about how much people love her, but then has mentioned several times now that she yells at him, tells him she doesn't want him around the house, and hasn't said she loves him or let him touch her in 15 years. I am sure there is a "her side of the story" here, but I want to ask this assuming that his wife is neglecting him (we can admit many wives to do this for whatever reason). I am 100% sure he has never had a sexual affair--not sure about emotional ones. I would be heartbroken if my new husband ever said to another woman the things this MM has started telling me (that he likes me more than my husband does, that he would give up his favorite time-consuming hobby for me, but not for his wife, that I was the prettiest bride of the year, etc.). Now, I admit these are flattering words and that other men I work with compliment me in a kind of fatherly way, but I feel like this MM is crossing the line. I don't know if there is anything appropriate for me to say at this point. Up until now I have just tried to respond to his negative comments about himself by saying positive things like "I'm sure everyone doesn't hate you" (but NEVER something like, "well, I like you") and tried to make him feel good about the contributions he has made to his family, which are many. So, is there anything I can do? I am a nice person, I tend to look at the positive, and I am not capable of being mean or a jerk to this guy. If I were his wife's friend, I would take her aside and kindly remind her that she has a wonderful husband who needs some attention from her.
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 You are only hearing one side too, remember that. If he is flirting with you too, he has more on his mind. He is testing the waters to see how you react to him opening up to you. Tell him to focus that energy into his wife, head to marriage counselling and wish him the best! BE that friend to him. DO not accept his flirtations...It will just open the door to other things...I think you know what I mean. AND, as you're married too, mention to him that your husband would not appreciate the flirting and it would be best if he wouldn't do that to you. Plain and simple. No hurt feelings.
Author sweet28 Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 I hear you. I have mentioned this to my husband, and he said that knowing how much I enjoyed biking, he thought it was harmless unless it made me really uncomfortable. I'll take your advice to let him know that my husband would not appreciate him flirting with me. I hadn't thought of that.
lindya Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 So, is there anything I can do? I am a nice person, I tend to look at the positive, and I am not capable of being mean or a jerk to this guy. If I were his wife's friend, I would take her aside and kindly remind her that she has a wonderful husband who needs some attention from her. I've been in that situation where a married guy has started moaning about his wife to me, and I find it best to nip it in the bud fairly quickly. You don't know for sure what his agenda is in talking to you about his relationship, and however much of a nice guy he might seem there could well be a hint of the old "my wife doesn't understand me..." about it. My advice would be that you give him a polite, reasonably supportive but clear message that you think these are matters he really needs to address directly with his wife rather than be discussing with you. Otherwise you could find yourself becoming too deeply involved in the intimate details of their marriage, and it could get a bit messy.
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 I hear you. I have mentioned this to my husband, and he said that knowing how much I enjoyed biking, he thought it was harmless unless it made me really uncomfortable. I'll take your advice to let him know that my husband would not appreciate him flirting with me. I hadn't thought of that. Look, if you want this man as a friend then INCLUDE your husband. Don't be alone with him so much because IF things at home are as bad as he is making it seem, he will make a play for you. In his mind, it doesn't matter if you're married or not. I'm sure you wouldn't like it if your husband did that with another woman, flirted with her if things weren't great at home...And I'm sure you wouldn't like her being friends with your hubby. So yeah, talk to him. If his feelings are hurt, so what??? He's a grown man and knows the score. Your priority is your husband and his feelings ... Not this other man who is married. Good luck!! Oh and also just don't say "My husband doesn't like it that you're flirting with me..." Say " I'm uncomfy with it too!" Because if you don't say that, the MM WILL justify it in his head that YOU still are OK with it, but it's only because of the hubby is why she isn't allowing the flirting...
mopar crazy Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Who knows why he is bad mouthing his W, only him and his W know what is going on in their M. If it makes you feel badly for him to bad mouth her I would politely tell him you are sorry that they aren't getting along but you would rather not be involved in a discussion bashing his W. JMO. As for the flirting, I think you have gotten great advice about what to do. For me, I don't know if I could come out and tell the guy I was uncomfortable w/ it. H's MM and SG friends are always flirting w/ me, and right in front of H, but he never seems to care. When H is out w/ his friends playing cards or whatever. When I call over there his BF always ask me since H wasn't home if he could come over and have some fun. It's all a joke, and he means no harm in it, it's just they way he is. He isn't a MM but has been living w/ his GF for almost 15 years. His other friend always tells me "Where have you been all my life?" and gives me a big hug if I haven't seen him in awhile. I guess I am so use to H's friends flirting w/ me it doesn't make me uncomfortable b/c it's all in fun. MM flirt w/me all the time, but I never flirt back. If they say nice things about me, I tell them thanks and let it at that. My first loves dad and I work in the same building and he is always coming over to flirt w/ me. It's just harmless fun.
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 I forgot to mention that! Thanks MP for reminding me! The fun flirting is fine, I mean we all do it at work, joke around and it's no big deal, no harm intended and it brings fun into the day at the office...It's the flirting that becomes sexual and YOU feel something from it that is dangerous...Or if he is implying "other" things, hinting and stuff. You know when it's fun and innocent flirting or if it's serious with intentions...
mopar crazy Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 I forgot to mention that! Thanks MP for reminding me! The fun flirting is fine, I mean we all do it at work, joke around and it's no big deal, no harm intended and it brings fun into the day at the office...It's the flirting that becomes sexual and YOU feel something from it that is dangerous...Or if he is implying "other" things, hinting and stuff. You know when it's fun and innocent flirting or if it's serious with intentions... NP WWIU and your welcome. I agree, flirting can be fun, if it's not meant to go anywhere. Would I care if my female friends flirted w/ my H, no I wouldn't b/c I trust them and know it wouldn't go anywhere, just fun. If the OP feels like he is really trying to start something w/ her and feels uncomfortable then I do agree, she needs to tell him so.
Author sweet28 Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 That's why I was not sure what to do. I mean, for all I know, he is just kidding around and maybe trying to get some attention to make his life a little more interesting. It has only been uncomfortable the last couple of weeks because I thought he would actually do something if I reciprocated. Realistically speaking, I know that if I suggested meeting sometime outside the biking context he would do it. He also regularly giving me very generous gifts and asks me not to send any thank yous to his house or work. But, maybe he feels like it's no big deal because he knows how in love with my husband I am. As an aside, I keep asking my husband to come with us, but he doesn't want to wake up that early in the morning. Maybe because I'm a "safe" person to flirt with, he can feel some of those feelings he used to feel with his wife when they were newlyweds.
mopar crazy Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Realistically speaking, I know that if I suggested meeting sometime outside the biking context he would do it. He also regularly giving me very generous gifts and asks me not to send any thank yous to his house or work.. Yep, this guy has more on his mind than just fun, harmless flirting. Is there anyway you can find another biking buddy? I can see why you are uncomfortable. It's obvious he has something for you. Are you accepting the gifts he is giving you or giving them back? This guy is up to no good.
bluechocolate Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 He also regularly giving me very generous gifts and asks me not to send any thank yous to his house or work. What?! I hope you're not accepting them.
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