luckygirl Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 I was married for five years. I had two children with this man. I grew up with divorced parents so I never wanted to get a divorce. I stayed in the relationship for the children which resulted in depression. Every day was a struggle. I finally put myself first and got a divorce. I am now with a wonderful man and I have never been happier in my life. We have been together for about three years. The children have accepted this and he is a wonderful father figure. He has a child of his own. Everyone has given me advice about how the children should come first. Should children be able to dictate who you are in a relationship with? Or when and how much time you spend with the other person? I understand if the child is being hurt by the other person and there is a reason to not be in a relationship. Children's needs do come first in this scenerio. With three young children, I do not get much time and affection from my boyfriend. Is it okay to be a little jealous when his child is attached to him? This child never leaves his side. I cannot get close to him. I cannot get close enough for a kiss or to sit on his lap and cuddle. The child interrupts when we are talking. The child interrupts when we kiss. This child will not allow him to touch me. He caresses this child and plays with this child's hair. When I do not get any affection I get a little jealous. Is that normal? When my children wake up in the middle of the night I get them what they need and take them immediately back to bed. I like to cuddle and be intimate after making love. The other night his child woke up in the middle of the night, interrupting our private time and he disappeared for fifteen minutes. This child did not need anything, he turned the lights on and then spent most of his time talking to the child. After the children go to bed it is our time because we never get alone time. I felt awful and he got very defensive and said that he would not hesitate to do it again. Why am I always the one to wait for my turn to be with him? When do I come first? Or do I have a right to come first at any time? I have two children and when it comes to affection and adult time, I put him first. My children need me and I need a man is the way I see it. I need my children too, but... not in adult ways. It kind of hurts me when he says he needs time alone with his child. Why does a man need time alone with a four year old child? I do not need time alone with my children unless they ask. I do not get it!
slubberdegullion Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 The relationship between your man and yourself must be #1, superseding the desires of the child. That's not, of course, to say that children's real needs should be ignored. But it is to say that the best present you can give your child is a healthy, happy, emotionally integrated and well-adjusted adult. And the only way to get that for yourself is to have a solid, positive relationship with your partner. Many, many people don't believe this; many think that the kids have to come first. But what they often end up with are children who have no role model for a productive relationship and they expect the world to be handed to them on a platter because they were doted on by mom & dad. The result is spoiled kids, parents who have grown distant from one another, and the entire family suffers. Who needs that?
clandestinidad Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 This is a difficult situation youre in. I'm sorry you have to deal with it. I think at 4yrs old, that child should be growing up and realizing that they are not the center of the world. When kids are up to age 3, its important to treat them differently. My point is, if he does not stop catering to him/her and babying him/her, it will become a very unhealthy relationship, and will not allow him/her to develop properly. Its totally understandable that you'd be jealous. He/She is old enough to know that when you 2 are touching, kissing, or talking he/she needs to be quiet. The way it seems now is that he/she doesnt want anyone to come between them...this kid isnt stupid, he/she knows what theyre doing! Your man needs to realize that he's not helping this child grow up into an independant functioning person. He will developmentally stunt this child if he doesnt start forming boundaries. HE needs to be the one to step up and tell him/her when its not appropriate to interrrupt. He needs to start showing this child the proper relationship between and adult man and woman. He needs to take into account what YOU think about the situation if there is a future b/n you 2...b/c it will be the 2 of you raising these kids as equal parents. He should never blow off what you have to say about it....though he will probably get defensive. There is not much more gross to me than adults who are still attatched to their parents, and almost seem in love w/ them!!! They need distance
Author luckygirl Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 He does get time alone with his four year old child once a week and this has not changed the child's attachment problem.
clandestinidad Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 First of all, is this a male or female child? Second, does the child live with him full time, or only see him at specified times?
Lishy Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Hmmmmmmmm I disagree! I commend him for how he is with his child! The way you repeatedly call his child 'this child' chills me to the bone! You are it's prospective step mum and you have no emotion towards it (I am saying 'it' because you did not state if it was a boy a girl) and if you was my ex's girlfriend I would not want you around my son! If you want a place in this man's life then you have to accept his great responsibility with his child! He sounds like a great dad - There are so many dads who do not even see their children, and lots who spend no quality time when they do! I commend him! We are talking about a FOUR year old .. Not a teenager! The child needs its dad to be there, it will make it a secure and well balanced child! How many people here are scarred because of lack of love as a child? You only have one shot with your kids and any relationship has to come second in your life! No man would come before my son, and I certainly think less of a man who would shush his child back to bed to cuddle me! Lucky, your jealousy is very obvious from your post and I think you need to consider if can adjust to how your man is with his child. It wont change and he will choose his child over you every time ..... And rightly so! That is just MY opinion anyway honey, I dont mean to offend you!
Author luckygirl Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 I am referring to the child as "the child" because I did not necessarily want to give out the sex of the child for confidentiality reasons.
clandestinidad Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 I agree, Lishy, and now want to make sure i was more clear about my post. I was talking about your boyfriend teaching the child when its not nice to try and come between you. For example, if you are talking or touching, he needs to teach him/her to not interrupt. I hope I didnt give the impression that he shouldnt be close to him/her!! I only meant that if a child thinks they can run the show and keep people from hugging/talking to their parent, and think they are the only one who should be close to the parent, then serious issues will develop If it helps any, I will use a personal example. My nearly 3 yr old daughter and I live alone. She has a pattern of not liking it when i'm talking to or touching someone other than her. She gets whiny and pushy in order to have my attention and affection. She fully knows what she's doing....she thinks she has claim on me. (in some ways, she does, but not like this obviously) So, I recognized that its an issue and work with her so that she does not act so possessively when I interact with someone other than her. I will still have a close relationship w/ her and cuddle and play and what-not, but I will not rush to her and give her everything the demands (emotionally/physically) when I'm already having an interaction with my SO. I think the same thing applies in your situation. I dont think you were saying that you wish they werent as close! I think you were saying that you want him to place boundaries on when its time for the child, and when its time for you....and theres nothing wrong with that
Lishy Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Every child should have guidence, and be shown manners. To interupt any adults when they are speaking is rude and his child (like all children) should be taught this! But to be sitting on laps and kissing and cuddling and telling a four year old not to interupt is wrong in my book! No child should run the show Kat, you are so right hon, but you have to give respect to children to some degree in able to expect repect in return. No child would respect their parent or feel loved if they get pushed away to make way for their parents new partner! I hope the OP does not feel upset with me for saying my feelings on this, but I feel so strongly about doing the right thing by our kids. Your adulthood is so dependent on how happy your childhood is. If more people had happy, secure childhoods they would be far, far happier and secure as adults!
Author luckygirl Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 I am referring to the child as "the child" because I did not necessarily want to give out the sex of the child for confidentiality reasons.
clandestinidad Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 But to be sitting on laps and kissing and cuddling and telling a four year old not to interupt is wrong in my book! I agree!! but you have to give respect to children to some degree in able to expect repect in return. No child would respect or their parent or feel loved if they get pushed away to make way for their parents new partner! Definately!!! I think maybe you are taking what she said and looking at it more negatively than was intended. I thought she was just saying that she wanted to be able to hug him and stuff without having the child push in b/c of the child's possessiveness.......maybe???
Lishy Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 But Kat if your partner was jealous of you going to your childs room instead of cuddling him how would you feel? How would you feel if he said "send the child back to bed and come and cuddle me, this is OUR time"??????? What we decide to do with our own children is done out of love - New partners will not love our children as much as we do! The OP, in my opinion, has no right to tell her man how to act with his child. As the childs parent he has to make these decisions!
Author luckygirl Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 He has this child 50% of the time. I admire him for being such a wonderful father. I have a very good relationship with this child. I include this child on everything even when my boyfriend cannot be with us and when his child is not with him for visitation. You must have forgotten that I know what it is like to be a parent. I understand that a child needs a father, but to the point that it ruins a relationship? If he chooses his child over his female companion every time, then he will be a very lonely soul.
Lishy Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 I think maybe you are taking what she said and looking at it more negatively than was intended. I thought she was just saying that she wanted to be able to hug him and stuff without having the child push in b/c of the child's possessiveness.......maybe??? Yes I think you are right I probably am Kat! When I read the original post I read it as a woman whining that her partners kid comes before her. But of course this is only part of the story - She is probably lovely to his child! If I have offended I am sorry
Lishy Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Seriously tho Lucky you need to have a good think about this - He WILL choose his child over you in these early years! Can you handle it?
Author luckygirl Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 I would understand if this child was a baby and needed diapering or rocked. This child is very smart and independent. This child is potty trained!
clandestinidad Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 I know what youre saying, Lishy I was with a guy for a little over a year, and he was frequently irritated with DD b/c every time we would hug in front of her she got VERY upset and wanted me to hug HER, not him. (there were other things such as not truly being comfortable dating someone w/ a child, and other things, that played into the situation) It took me a while to notice her pattern, but I did. I am very close to DD and she was used to having ALL of my undivided attention. The way it would pan out: She in the living room, he and I hug in the kitchen, she rushes in there whining and telling me to hug her and pulling on me. Its a very difficult situation to be in!!! I would never recommend that someone neglect a childs needs. I just meant that in the situation w/ a possessive child, they need to learn that its not right to interrupt just b/c THEY want to be the one who gets all your attention and no one else. That could lead to problems (not if the child is very young, but I do think if the child is 4 and up the behavior should be modified) 1
Lishy Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 But Kat is is up to him to modify it! Just like it would up to Lucky to modify it if it was her children! If he is unwilling to (as he said) then Lucky needs to work out if she can put up with it! His child will always be more important to him than any woman! Her question was should children always come first, and in my opinion the answer is yes! And when they get older they will be more secure and not crave constant attention! Relationships come and go, you get one shot with your children.
Author luckygirl Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 His child will always be more important to him than any woman! Why? Would that make a difference if we were married? He will be very lonely if he believes that!
clandestinidad Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 It is definately up to HIM to recognize it and change it if he wants to. If he doesnt see anything wrong w/ it and likes it that way, then lucky should be prepared to deal with it for a loooong time I dont really know what I think about children being more important than a SO. i guess my issue with it is how it's written, b/c there is so much more explanation than that. In some ways, yes they are more important b/c you are trying to raise a person who will feel loved and stable and function well in society. It makes them more important in that sense, b/c the SO is already an adult (hopefully well functioning!) But if it comes to priorities, then they should be balanced as best as possible. Obviously the SO can take care of themselves better than the child, and can understand what can/cannot be done at the time. And if it comes to 'amount of love' then its pointless b/c the loves are incomparable
tinktronik Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Luckygirl, the child will always come first.But there always comes a time when this phazes out ,I have 3 boys, each went through the faze where they dident want me touching or giving attention to ayone else even each other.Especially for a while after me and dad divorced. Ive had my s/o around for a while now and its become much more relaxed over time ,the boys have adjusted to us touching or giving hugs and just his presence in general. Your s/o's child is probably just feeling insacure and will outgrow this on time .
Author luckygirl Posted January 24, 2006 Author Posted January 24, 2006 I dont really know what I think about children being more important than a SO. i guess my issue with it is how it's written, b/c there is so much more explanation than that. In some ways, yes they are more important b/c you are trying to raise a person who will feel loved and stable and function well in society. It makes them more important in that sense, b/c the SO is already an adult (hopefully well functioning!) But if it comes to priorities, then they should be balanced as best as possible. Obviously the SO can take care of themselves better than the child, and can understand what can/cannot be done at the time. And if it comes to 'amount of love' then its pointless b/c the loves are incomparable Thank you, that is the best explanation and advice I have received! I appreciate your understanding!
cal gal Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 I have had a difficult time not responding to this thread for a variety of reasons: 1. IF you are married - then the marriage comes first before your children. That way they know it is a family unit and an undivided group with certain guidelines. 2. IF you are not married and have children then their best interest should outweigh any of your needs. This includes time and energy with anyone or anything other than them. You will have time later for your needs, but you are the gal that decided to give BIRTH and LIFE to them. They are depending on you to GUIDE them down a wonderful moral road where they know they are your FIRST priority and so much loved. 3. To realize that a childs' brain develops by the time they are five years old is amazing when you put certain influences on them. You can't give them good values when you are putting yourself in these situations. You need all the alone time you can get with them within this short period of their life. a). you should be happy that he would be comforting and protecting his child; as this is a sign of a good and compassionate man. b). you two should not be in bed in front of ANY of your children; for that is an extreme example that you are setting as a precedence that morally it is ok. You could easily save the alone time for when they are NOT with you. c). your jealousy of his child is a terrible strain on your relationship! You should not be making any demands on whether or not he is paying attention to the child. If I were dating you and you acted that way - I would ask you to leave immediately. The child is trying to tell Daddy that it is an uncomforatble position for him/her to be in when you are vying for attention over the child - and you are being selfish! How do you think his child must feel - much less the man you are dating? You are always putting HIM in the middle. He's trying to keep you and his child happy at the same time. He cannot win either way! I'd dump you in a heartbeat if I were him! His child will always be with him - remember that!
lilmoma1973 Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 I am a step mom and i can't recall a time where i felt threatened by my h's son when we was dating at all nor now being married ..You have to except the child if you are going to be with him!! It isn't being selfish at all wanting to spend time with your man.. My daughter is like this when h and i cuddle or kiss she gets right in between and she also can interrupt our time at night but that is to be expected with all little kids .. Some need attention more than others and i find my daughter is afraid she is going to miss something .. Is this child with you all the time or he has him every other weekend?
Author luckygirl Posted January 24, 2006 Author Posted January 24, 2006 cal gal You stated that when you are married then your marriage comes first. If you are not married, how could you ever be if your children are your first priority? I am HAPPY that he is comforting and protecting of his child! We are NEVER in bed in front of the children! You are insane for thinking that! We never make out in front of the children. We save alone time until they are in bed! However, I like a little affection and attention when the children are with us. We like to sit together on the couch. We like to hold hands while watching television. We like to cuddle occasionally, yes, cuddle in front of the children! Are you going to tell me that is wrong? However, I do not always get affection and attention and why should I have to wait until we are both so exhausted that we cannot even talk? We never discuss these things in front of the children, and I am not demanding him to do anything except give me attention and affection regardless of whether his child is around or not! I do not think that is too much to ask! If you never gave me attention or affection and gave it all to your kids and told me that your children come first and are your first priority. I would leave willingly and you would not have to ask me to.
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