Why do you stay?

[Snuggles]

For those of you that are married or in a long time relationship with someone and your relationship has not been good for along time why do you stay?

 

I know people stay for different reasons and I'm one of those people. I have been married for 11 years, and we have a son that is 9. Yes I know its wrong to continue to stay when all has been said and done, counseling etc, but people do do it. My reason for staying is mainly finacial reasons. Hes the sole provider, while I do have a part time job it still doesn't add up to alot as far as making it on my own. I'm currently looking for something full time. When or if I get that full time position and save some money then I will probably leave. I have never really asked my husband why he stays but if I had to guess,I think he would say it would be for our son. So my question is if you are in a not so good situation, whats the reason(s) you stay?

[Moose]

First off, it really doesn't matter how happy you are in a relationship. Now and again, you'll hit a place where you're not happy. Come on, we all can't be happy 100% of the time. It's impossible.

 

There have been times in my marriage of 19 years that I was unhappy for months. I've learned that these periods of unhappiness are temporary. You have to take the bad with the good. That's all there is to it.

 

People need to go into the marriage with this mindset, or you're setting yourself up for failure.

Yes I know its wrong to continue to stay when all has been said and done, counseling etc, but people do do it.

Who in the world told you it was wrong to stay?? I'm telling you, they're DEAD wrong. If your husband is a faithful man, and not physically abusive to you or your son, you need to stay. You made the comittment to stay. Do the honorable thing, and keep your promise.

My reason for staying is mainly finacial reasons.

Did you marry him for the same reason? It's a question you have to ask yourself. Do you still love him? And don't say, "I love him, put I'm not in love with him"....BS either.....you do, or you don't.

I have never really asked my husband why he stays but if I had to guess,I think he would say it would be for our son

And here is where the whole problem with your unhapiness may lie. Communication. Communication, Respect and Attitude are the 3 MAIN ingredients in a happy marriage. Let one or the other go to the wayside, and BOOM! You're an instant debbie downer.....

So my question is if you are in a not so good situation, whats the reason(s) you stay?

1. I made the comittment to do so, until death do we part.

 

2. It's a temporary situation.

 

3. I prefer to die an honorable man.

[Snuggles]

Hi Moose thanks for the reply. I understand what you're saying. Staying is a choice, just as anything else is. Thats great that you chose to stay in your marraige for the long haul and thats the way it should be. However, thats not always the case for some people.

 

During my 11 years of marriage, at least 6 years we have indured many issues just as other people have. We have delt with a cheating issue, drinking, splitting up getting back together etc. There comes a time when people may question "Why do I stay?" The cheating my husband did. We went to counseling etc. I tried really hard to forgive and forget. It just didn't happen. I always felt it was an issue FOR ME.

 

He may have put some things in the past, but all in all I don't think he forgave himself for what he put us through either. I have spent many years now living with not being able to trust. We really do not communicate at that well. Some of these things are probably fixable situations if we were both really willing to work on it. I'm not. I'm stating that I'm not willing anymore. And that I am ready to get out of the situation. We have told each other in the past that we feel we are just going through the motions.

 

I do think my husband knows I stay until I get myself finically stable. Is it wrong of me to stay for that? Yes. Is it wrong for him to stay for our son? Yes. Thats the point of my post, I know it may be wrong, but was wondering why others stay? What was it that makes them feel they stay in unhealthy realtionship?

 

I bet theres alot more people out there that stay in realtionship that aren't healthy etc than we know, or that are willing to admit. I understand marriage is work. I know all to well, but I also know when its probably time to cut my losses and move on.

 

I don't want to be one of these people that continue to stay forever in a realtionship neither of us is happy in, just to say 50 years down the road, "Why did I stay? why didn't I get out sooner. Some people stay for good reasons, some stay for not so good reasons. Its different for different people.

[Ditherer]

It could just be that Moose was sensible (or just plain LUCKY) to have found a partner WORTH working at it with.

 

Some of us are more easily convinced we made a mistake. We feel no amount of working at it is going to pay off. We're living a lie. Moose would STILL say Work At It even though we know it's a waste of time.. reminds me of the Tom & Jerry I saw the other say when the dog had greased the flag pole and was barking away while Tom was trying to climb it.. for hours.. never getting anywhere.

 

There comes a time when you judge the situation hopeless and cut your losses.. and move on.

 

And still people like Moose would call you a quitter! It's good that we get a wide range of opinions on here, but be aware of the extent of that range

 

You only get one shot at THIS life.. and so does your partner.. why be unfair to BOTH of you? I'm not saying give up easily.. try all you can.. give it time.. but when you know it's beyond repair just accept it and don't feel bad that it simply didn't work out. It take two, and a sprinkle of magic.. but that didn't stay the course. Deal with it, without overburdening yourself with sorrow and guilt.

 

That's what I'm telling myself. Following my own advice is another matter entirely...!

[lilmoma1973]

 

 

I totally agree with Moose you make a decision to stay because you took vows to work it out no matter what unless abuse is involved than i have to say that is where i would draw the line!!

[luckygirl]

I agree that you should stay in it. You made a committment and you should try your hardest to make things work.

 

However, you may be the most miserable person to walk the earth. I was in this situation. There were children involved and my parents were divorced. I stayed in it for the children for awhile until I realized that I had to put my own needs ahead of theirs. I suffered from depression. I could not get out of bed. I could not function. I tried medication and nothing worked. I was just plain sick of my marriage. My children suffered immensely.

 

Plus, being unhappy in a relationship can lead to many other things besides unhappiness and depression. You will be more vulnerable to having an affair, which is not right. Get out before that happens, it is the least you can do.

 

I have divorced that man and have moved on. I have been with someone for almost three years and I cannot imagine my life without him. He is the love of my life! I have never been happier.

[Ditherer]

I agree that you should stay in it. You made a committment and you should try your hardest to make things work.

...

However... I have divorced that man and have moved on.

 

err... yeah... so that does tally with what I was saying. Give it your best shot but if you're totally sure it's over, get out and rebuild.

 

Sounds fair. I wonder if Moose could possibly accept that some cases are hopeless?

 

[Moose]

It could just be that Moose was sensible (or just plain LUCKY) to have found a partner WORTH working at it with.

Possibly. I would place more blame on luck than me being sensible. Mrs. Moose has an incredible amount of patience. Beyond that, she is "woman", enough to admit that during the most difficult times of our marriage I wasn't the only to blame.

 

It takes both people to choose to love the other. Period.

And still people like Moose would call you a quitter! It's good that we get a wide range of opinions on here, but be aware of the extent of that range

I'm not sure if I'd go so far as calling someone who gave it all they got to make their marriage work. Snuggles hasn't. She hasn't chosen to forgive her husband. She's admitted that the issues are hers.

 

Granted, Mr. Snuggles prolly' ain't helpin' the situation. But unless Snuggles gives it her all, including her forgiveness, she hasn't done all she can.

Sounds fair. I wonder if Moose could possibly accept that some cases are hopeless?

Only if one person is involved, and the other simply isn't interested, yes.

[Curmudgeon]

plus some of the right ones.

 

The wrong ones were our children, habit, a certain comfort zone, fear of loneliness, laziness and, at times, an "I don't care" attitude.

 

Right ones were loyalty and vows.

 

Then she became abusive, verbally, emotionally and physically. Thankfully she left as I was preparing to. Came to find out she already had someone waiting in the wings for her. He was welcome to her. She filed for legal separation. I counter-filed for divorce.

 

Best thing I ever did!

[JadeStar]

"You made a committment and you should try your hardest to make things work."

 

 

I agree with this. However after ALL has been tried by both parties and things still are not good then it might be time to call it quits. It might be time to call it quits to if one person has done everything they can and the other one hasn't. Its not one sided, and if you have a partner thats simply not willing to help fix whats wrong, then yes time to move on.

 

 

My inlaws are a example of sticking it our for 53 years. As a result, my mother in law was the most miserable person because she stayed. Yes its a choice that she made, and back then people stayed no matter what. They toughed it out reguardless of the situation. I myself do not agree with that because here it is 53 years later and shes miserable, depressed etc etc. Where did it get her? No where, they stories she has told me about her marraige was just awful. Do I sympathize with her, feel bad for her? Maybe a little but not really, she had a choice. Bottom line, if its not working after all has been tried then yes get out of it.

 

 

 

Jade

[lilmoma1973]

 

Moose makes an excellent !!