The power of your mind.

January 23, 2006

You know, I've been seeing a lot of threads here in coping about how hard a time everyone is having. I feel you, I've been there myself. I still have those down days myself as well.

I want you to understand something here. You are in complete control of how you feel. Yes. YOU.

Call it "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" or just plain "I'm taking control of my life", either way both mean basically the same thing: "Taking back the power you have given your ex over your feelings."

I know exactly how you feel. You feel like life sucks without them and you can not go on without them in your life. You can and you will. And if you do happen to talk to them, especially after long periods of No Contact, you fall right back to square one, depressed and wanting them all over again. (Now you know the true reason for NC!).

Understand: You don't need your ex!. You don't. You should never be dependent upon anyone else for your happiness. Perhaps that was one of the reasons your relationship didn't work. No one wants the pressure of being completely responsible for someone else's happiness. If that is the case with you, then I would recommend seeing a counselor to identify why you feel that way and work on ways to overcome that type of co-dependency.

Now, how do you get control of your life back? Well, sticking to NC is one way. But what you need to do is tell yourself that you want control of your life back. It's not your Ex who is making you feel this way, it's you letting them get to you. You hand them the power when you break NC. You hand them the power when you pine over them, wondering what they are doing or who they are with, looking up their MySpace page, trying to break into their email, calling them over and over, emailing them constantly, looking at old pictures, wondering if they are going to call or whatever.

What I am saying is that as long as you continue to fuss and fret over your ex and make them the focal point of your life, you're handing the reins of your life to them. They aren't in control, YOU are! That's why it's important once a breakup occurs to accept that it's over, let go and put the focus on you. To stick to NC and to not accept any contact from them while you are healing.

Do you know why Ex's can move on so easily? It's because they have accepted it's over and the focus is on them and their happiness. Maybe that's why they broke up with you, because they weren't happy. They are not pining over you, looking up your info or doing the things you are now. They aren't worried about who you are with or what you're doing with them.

They've accepted.

They've let go.

They've moved on.

And so should you. Look, I know it's hard but what are your alternatives? You can sit there and feel sorry for yourself, sulk and basically go into a deep depression or you can decide that you're not going to let someone else have control over you. All it takes is you being tired of feeling this way.

Don't ever wonder if he/she will come back. It doesn't matter right now. The focus needs to be on you. On letting go, on healing, on learning whatever lessons this relationship has taught you and vowing not to repeat mistakes.

I know I make it sound easy, truth be told it's not. It takes a lot of internal strength to get through something like this when you're feeling terrible. Support from friends and family is great, but when it comes down to it only you can really get yourself out of this rut.

That will come when you've decided you've had enough of feeling sorry for yourself.

January 23, 2006

Great post! It is just over four months since our break-up. I vowed to truly learn all I need to learn from the lessons presented through this experience. Like you said, it's not easy as I have the bad habit of giving my power over to others. And now I am seeing that I need to relearn what love really is. Because it is sure as hell not jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity, fear, etc. I miss and think of my ex alot. However, I am working hard to get past all the ego bs. I experience setbacks as old habits die hard, and have to remind myself that it is a process. It has taken years to develop these self-defeating habits, it is going to take time to get over them.

January 23, 2006

CG, you are a gift.

January 23, 2006

Not only do you not need your ex, you don't need anybody to be the source of your happiness. That's one of my biggest issues, and I believe a significant issue for anyone getting tremendously hurt by a failed relationship.

Don't make the mistake of repeating a cycle. See if you can get to the point where you are happy not being in any kind of romantic relationship -- now that's a step toward becoming healthy!

Easier for me to say than to do though!

January 23, 2006

Cali guy, yes a great thread & very true.

Some of us i guess can do this better than others, i've always thought that time & time alone will heal & i guess it will, just now, like any injury, it takes time to heal!

I feel i need answers, reasons to this & that. Just like someone who has a missing relative or something similar!

Just Visiting & Notmakingsense, i guess are like me, it's easy to say but putting in practice is another.

Sometimes i get times of acceptance, others when i'm so upset, i get compulsions to contact, sometimes i do & others i don't!

I personally was happy with singledom for ages, then found love & ever since it's been like a drug. Maybe my impending CBT will work, but these feelings i get i can't help & i know are unnatural!

Thanks

January 23, 2006

Not sure answers will make you feel better but if it's what you need then just ask her.

For me, I don't need answers. Her behavior, how she treated me, they were all the answers I needed for closure. She doesn't deserve my time.

January 24, 2006

i have been trying all ways to move on. I went to gym, hang out with frens, went to church , set a new year resolution , date other guy, read motivational + religious + science books .... not only that, i did said to my self in front of mirror that ' I am fine without him , i will find someone who is ten times better than him , this is for my good. I should be happy "

it does help by far.. n it really helps me a lot .

But i dont know why to day... i felt so sad n remember him again.. ? whats wrong ? even few days back, i dreamed of him. n when i woke up i straight away said to my self that he is not my concern anymore. I told my self that he has another girl ( actually i dont know, and i will not find out the truth).

I dont know whats wrong with me, i feel upset tonight when i remember how he treated me .

what else i should do to move on quickly ? i want to move on badly....

help... ! God please help me....!!!

January 24, 2006

It takes time. Hobbies and friends help occupy your time. When you have free time and you find yourself thinking of him immediately think of things that make you happy.

There is no instant cure for getting over someone. There are ways to make the time easier to bear, but you still have to go through a significant amount of time to be completely over someone.

January 25, 2006

It takes time.... There are ways to make the time easier to bear, but you still have to go through a significant amount of time to be completely over someone.

True dat

Time has a way in going on even when you want to stay in a memory of the past.

January 25, 2006

Not sure answers will make you feel better but if it's what you need then just ask her.

For me, I don't need answers. Her behavior, how she treated me, they were all the answers I needed for closure. She doesn't deserve my time.

Now I know you're growing- I've said those exact same words in some ways to others on this forum who've said, "I don't have CLOSURE"

Ummmm, yeah, you do.

January 25, 2006

"You should never be dependent upon anyone else for your happiness."

Yes, let's all leave our partners because we'd be better off finding happiness from within ourselves.

Nah... everyone WANTS to love and be loved, THAT's why it hurts when we break up.. no point denying it, just ACCEPT it'll hurt for a while but will get better. Do you really think you can talk yourself out of the suffering? It's something to work through, there are no shortcuts. Patience and courage is what you need, not some crappy 'just stop thinking about it' advice.

January 25, 2006

Yes, let's all leave our partners because we'd be better off finding happiness from within ourselves.

This made me chuckle out loud but you're far, far off base of my point.

Nah... everyone WANTS to love and be loved, THAT's why it hurts when we break up.. no point denying it, just ACCEPT it'll hurt for a while but will get better. Do you really think you can talk yourself out of the suffering? It's something to work through, there are no shortcuts. Patience and courage is what you need, not some crappy 'just stop thinking about it' advice.

A couple things.

I never said it was easy nor am I offering a "quick fix" or "shortcut." What I've tried to lay out here is a guideline for your mind to get you into the right frameset to handle the breakup in the most effective manner. Some people it just won't work for and they'll need counceling. Some this will work for them brilliantly.

As far as needing someone else for your happiness, I stand by my comments. Your s/o should compliment your life, not BE your life. Nobody wants the pressure of being your complete source of happiness. Yes, we all want to be loved, that's natural. But if you've placed someone on a pedestle and you rely on them for your happiness that's a sign of neediness and insecurity (low self-esteem), not love. That will kill a relationship.

You should be able to function and be happy without a S/O in your life. I'm not saying you shouldn't grieve your loss (you should), I am saying you shouldn't let it control your life.

January 25, 2006

They are not pining over you, looking up your info or doing the things you are now. They aren't worried about who you are with or what you're doing with them.

They've accepted.
They've let go.
They've moved on.

Great advice but remember they(dumpers) also had time to prepare for the end where as most dumpees its a big surprise and its not so easy at first.The dumper has the emotional advantage of no surprises and termoil , they made their descision long before it came out of their mouth so they detach and prepare and that is way easier emotionally than getting blind sided with in some cases life altering news.

January 25, 2006

Great advice but remember they(dumpers) also had time to prepare for the end where as most dumpees its a big surprise and its not so easy at first.

I did address that

The dumper has the emotional advantage of no surprises and termoil , they made their descision long before it came out of their mouth so they detach and prepare and that is way easier emotionally than getting blind sided with in some cases life altering news.

Exactly.

January 25, 2006

everytime im feeling down, i always seem to run in to a post that like slaps me back in to reality, and gives me strength...I want to be a real womooon and i guess this is my test lol I need to retrain my brain...but its hard because i let feelings over come me..

I dont look at the bad, all i do is feel feel feel...but i have been taking it one step at a time...but it seems like im always back to feeling like this like" nooooooo"..and hurt....why cant i see that he really was an extreme a**h***! even his family knows it...thats sad

January 25, 2006

....the head may listen.....but the heart NEVER does.

January 25, 2006

....the head may listen.....but the heart NEVER does.

Good point, that's why you have to accept and let go. That helps take your heart out of the equation and lets the more rational side (your brain) make the decisions.

When you truly let go, it's like taking the shackles off your heart. Your heart is what's keeping you down, holding on to hope and making dumb decisions that lead to breaking no contact, etc.

When I finally let go it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I could see the Ex for what she was (a shallow person who takes advantage of people, is shallow, immature, etc. All things that I wouldn't want in a S/O anyway). I could never do see her in that light as long as I was allowing my heart to let me cling on to her.

January 25, 2006

Good post, CaliGuy, but I want to know how you're supposed to handle a situation when the ex has moved on, but still likes to keep you hanging around just in case they might change their mind in the future. So many people have exes who get an ego boost from this and it sucks for the person on the other end trying to accept it's over when they keep getting fed false hope.

I still have contact with my ex, against my will, because we have a child together. He finds reasons every couple weeks to contact me, and it really pisses me off.

January 25, 2006

Good post, CaliGuy, but I want to know how you're supposed to handle a situation when the ex has moved on, but still likes to keep you hanging around just in case they might change their mind in the future. So many people have exes who get an ego boost from this and it sucks for the person on the other end trying to accept it's over when they keep getting fed false hope.

That's quite a conundrum. You have to decide for yourself what you want. I would probably ask my Ex if she wanted to get back together and if she said "No, I just want to stay friends." (which incidentally my Ex said this to me) then I would decide that it wasn't healthy for me to remain friends with someone that I love and want to be with.

If you're being strung along and realize it, cut them out of your life. Stick with NC and let them go. There's nothing more cruel than being strung along because it stops you from healing and possibly meeting the right person for you.

Bottom line is you shouldn't be friends with someone you still have strong feelings for. They should respect your decision to want to break it off because it's not healthy for you. If they care about you, they'll understand. In the end though, it doesn't matter how they feel or what they want. They don't want to be with you so you have to do what is best for you and cut them off.

I still have contact with my ex, against my will, because we have a child together. He finds reasons every couple weeks to contact me, and it really pisses me off.

There's no way to get around NC when you have a child with someone. The only thing I would do is let most of his calls go to VM and ignore anything not directly related to the kids.

I can't really speak on behalf of those with kids as I myself don't have any (That I know of, hahah).

January 26, 2006

you don't need anybody to be the source of your happiness. See if you can get to the point where you are happy not being in any kind of romantic relationship -- now that's a step toward becoming healthy!

We are not created to be lone wolves; people need company to survive, reproduce, enjoy, laugh, work, be happy... How can you be happy if you don't have love at all? Friends will make you happy? That's more of a high-school mentality. Or do you deny love and family as an important part of happiness?

Actually if someone is quite happy without love for a long time, I would think that something might be wrong there. In any case, to suffer for a lost love is as normal and healthy as to feel pain when you're badly injured. Such is the human soul; vulnerability makes us romantic, passion makes us angry, love makes us happy or sad.

Easier for me to say than to do though!

Why run away from your nature? Face the challenge and get over it. Congratulate yourself for not being a machine.

January 26, 2006

I think we're misinterpreting what I am trying to get across.

I've stated that if you NEEd someone to be your sole source of happiness, you have a problem. They should compliment your life, not be your life.

Yes, we all want to be loved. We want that companionship, but if you place the burden of your happiness on someone else you will find that they are not comfortable with that and they will eventually pull away from you.

Learn to be happy in general and you'll find you attract others.

Place your happiness in others and you'll find you will repel them.

Got it?

January 26, 2006

I have been so good about no contact with my STBEH, however my boys are old enough for him to call them directly and speak to them about their day or visiting with them - and setting up when they will see each other.

I think it is important for me to stay out of all the details and makes everything more streamline for everyone involved.

NC is not easy until you can tell your mind that things are OVER.

20 years is a long time to have a wonderful man as a better half, but

when the betrayal came down, no amount of time or bliss would make me go back to sacrifice my personal self respect.

I think if you keep self respect in mind you will do fine and move in a positive direction....

I think a golf ball just came off the fairway and hit the house sooooo, gtg...

January 26, 2006

CaliGuy, I agree with you since your first post. Our world shouldn't revolve around anyone and you put this really well:

if you place the burden of your happiness on someone else you will find that they are not comfortable with that and they will eventually pull away from you.

We all want someone who already has a "life", someone who says "okay" when you say "I am going out with friends tonight", someone who is too busy to call, but calls; has many choices, yet chooses you...

This reminds me of the dating sites where many people say "I am a very happy person." Until I realized it was merely a cliche they wrote in order to seem fun-to-be-with, I thought: why would I need someone who is perfectly happy without me? I need to be needed too. There has to be a gentle balance between the two extreme cases. As much as I wouldn't want anyone to be obsessed with me, I would desire even LESS to be a piece of furniture for the one I love.

I truly believe that in marriage people should be dedicated to their family and not expect roses all the time. In relationships it's different, because you have no responsibilities towards each other (except the ones you volunteer for). Eventually it all boils down to what remains when the first infatuation fades.

In any case, if two people are right for each other, they will spontaneously find ways to achieve balance in all aspects. If you have come to the point where you're stuck in your feelings for someone, it means that your relationship was bad long before you started acting "the wrong way." In other words, there IS a reason why we become clingy; we feel that we're losing our partner and are instinctively activating all our strengths to retain him or her. They push us away even more, we start suffering while denying that something is wrong, etc.

So my conclusion is: we should always try to keep our dignity. And sometimes that's so f...ing hard!

January 26, 2006

I still have contact with my ex, against my will, because we have a child together. He finds reasons every couple weeks to contact me, and it really pisses me off.

Did you split up recently? Because at the beginning it sucks, but time and new love cures it. I mean eventually you will become immune to his voice, face, and everything about him. Perhaps you just meant that his presence simply pisses you off, not in the sense that you still cherish some feelings for him... that's okay.

February 21, 2006

You know, I've been seeing a lot of threads here in coping about how hard a time everyone is having. I feel you, I've been there myself. I still have those down days myself as well.

I want you to understand something here. You are in complete control of how you feel. Yes. YOU.

Call it "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" or just plain "I'm taking control of my life", either way both mean basically the same thing: "Taking back the power you have given your ex over your feelings."

I know exactly how you feel. You feel like life sucks without them and you can not go on without them in your life. You can and you will. And if you do happen to talk to them, especially after long periods of No Contact, you fall right back to square one, depressed and wanting them all over again. (Now you know the true reason for NC!).

Understand: You don't need your ex!. You don't. You should never be dependent upon anyone else for your happiness. Perhaps that was one of the reasons your relationship didn't work. No one wants the pressure of being completely responsible for someone else's happiness. If that is the case with you, then I would recommend seeing a counselor to identify why you feel that way and work on ways to overcome that type of co-dependency.

Now, how do you get control of your life back? Well, sticking to NC is one way. But what you need to do is tell yourself that you want control of your life back. It's not your Ex who is making you feel this way, it's you letting them get to you. You hand them the power when you break NC. You hand them the power when you pine over them, wondering what they are doing or who they are with, looking up their MySpace page, trying to break into their email, calling them over and over, emailing them constantly, looking at old pictures, wondering if they are going to call or whatever.

What I am saying is that as long as you continue to fuss and fret over your ex and make them the focal point of your life, you're handing the reins of your life to them. They aren't in control, YOU are! That's why it's important once a breakup occurs to accept that it's over, let go and put the focus on you. To stick to NC and to not accept any contact from them while you are healing.

Do you know why Ex's can move on so easily? It's because they have accepted it's over and the focus is on them and their happiness. Maybe that's why they broke up with you, because they weren't happy. They are not pining over you, looking up your info or doing the things you are now. They aren't worried about who you are with or what you're doing with them.

They've accepted.
They've let go.
They've moved on.

And so should you. Look, I know it's hard but what are your alternatives? You can sit there and feel sorry for yourself, sulk and basically go into a deep depression or you can decide that you're not going to let someone else have control over you. All it takes is you being tired of feeling this way.

Don't ever wonder if he/she will come back. It doesn't matter right now. The focus needs to be on you. On letting go, on healing, on learning whatever lessons this relationship has taught you and vowing not to repeat mistakes.

I know I make it sound easy, truth be told it's not. It takes a lot of internal strength to get through something like this when you're feeling terrible. Support from friends and family is great, but when it comes down to it only you can really get yourself out of this rut.

That will come when you've decided you've had enough of feeling sorry for yourself.

Caliguy,

I have been lurking in the depths for a long while now, posting the odd thought here and there.

I was re-reading some old posts, And the funny thing....

whenever I read one of yours I smiled, Not much makes me smile lately, I am on day 15 of NC with my dumpee ex G/F and things are tough.

Keep up the good, honest to the heart advice becuase it does make a difference.

Awesome...

Thankyou.

Morph

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