Author CaliGuy Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 I wouldn't do that if I were you. It sounds like a bickering kind of b/friend-g/friend thing & you haven't even gone out yet. If you give her a second chance you believe her story. If you don't believe it then forget about a making a second date. I did ask what time she got the phone but not why she didn't call. I'm curious to see how she handles this. How she answers will decide if I give her a second chance or just blow her off. We'll see.
cal gal Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Kat23 is right. This is a bad way to start and no fun to boot. In this day and age not TOO many people inadvertantly leave there phone behind when are expecting to receive info they have as a priority. This makes me believe that it was not a huge priority for her. She could have had her friend retrieve her messages easliy from her cell if she found it important. Why so reluctant to move to your next (and possibly fun, no party girl possibly less worries) choice? What does your gut say, as you seem normally like a reasonable guy?
flowergirl Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Hey, CaliGuy, I'm so sorry this chick did that to a fine guy such as yourself. Do not give her a second chance, because she didn't show you even the basic level of respect required to begin dating someone. from what you've told us, she doesn't sem to have much respect for others and is more concerned with partying than anything else. Move on to the next and good luck, bro.
ehead Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Geez ... everyone acts as though they have never had something crazy like this happen. Obviously we are all guessing. Could be she got cold feet, or possibly her story is true. Regardless, I am a person that believes in second chances. I also am a bit of a romantic and would not so causually disgard an opportunity to meet a girl that I liked. If she blows it the second time, then I'd call it quits.
Author CaliGuy Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 Here is her reply: Not sure....I went to bed at 9:00...she slipped it in my between my doors...got it this morning! Look Im not playing games..and Im not going to explain myself or feel guilty for something that was out of my control. I am truly sorry and I am glad you got to go to dinner and hang with your friends! If still interested then let me know..if not then I understand!
kitten chick Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 I don't blame her for her reply. I would have dropped you if you sent this to me... I did ask what time she got the phone but not why she didn't call.
loony Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 I did ask what time she got the phone but not why she didn't call. I'm curious to see how she handles this. How she answers will decide if I give her a second chance or just blow her off. We'll see. I second bluechocolate. You either accept her story or you don't, but this kind of checking on her is not getting you anymore. She got defensive as you can see. If she was guilty she will get defensive and think you are an idiot for doubting her (doesn't matter that she is guilty for lying, she will still think you are the jerk for not believing her) and if she is not guilty, sthe will get defensive and think you are an idiot for doubting her even though she is innocent, because from her stand point she didn't do anything wrong.
ms_jnj Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Do I give her the benefit of the doubt? I'd say one more chance. If she does want to reschedule then it might be legit. But I would also say that one more instance of flakey behavior should mean the end.
Art_Critic Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 I don't blame her for her reply. I would have dropped you if you sent this to me... why ? its okay that she stood him up but not okay for him to understand the situation ? So your saying that him asking her to clarify is worse than her standing him up ?
l2hvn Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Im not going to explain myself or feel guilty for something that was out of my control. she doesn't even feel guilty about standing you up. of course everything is in her control. she should know when to stop drinking if she knew she had a date to go to the next day. very irresponsible behavior. If still interested then let me know..if not then I understand! she's basically saying "oh well. i could care less whether you're upset at me or not." i don't know why you still want to give her a second chance: 1. it already left a bad taste in your mouth : getting stood up on a first date 2. you don't like her partying you've already said you have other girls lined up. so what's the point of stalling for this one girl?
Author CaliGuy Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 why ? its okay that she stood him up but not okay for him to understand the situation ? So your saying that him asking her to clarify is worse than her standing him up ? That was my line of thinking in sending her the reply asking when she got her phone. She could have called on the way to work and explained. Emails, in situations like this are so impersonal and an easy way to skate around questions. I love you guys, man! You're always great for seeing varying points of view. I may or may not agree with them all but it is very good feedback.
bluechocolate Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Here is her reply: Not sure....I went to bed at 9:00...she slipped it in my between my doors...got it this morning! Look Im not playing games..and Im not going to explain myself or feel guilty for something that was out of my control. I am truly sorry and I am glad you got to go to dinner and hang with your friends! If still interested then let me know..if not then I understand! Ah well. That's why I said I wouldn't ask her about it. You either believe her or you don't. At this stage she doesn't really owe you anything other than an apology & and an explanation - which you already have. She's certainly not going to get into a debate about it with you. It shouldn't be this much hassle - really.
kitten chick Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 why ? its okay that she stood him up but not okay for him to understand the situation ? So your saying that him asking her to clarify is worse than her standing him up ? Yes, that's what I'm saying. She had a reason for not calling him to find out what plans he made for them. If her reason was true then it would just be something they laugh at down the road. If her reason was a lie then he will find out the second time she does this and he should drop her like a bad habit. By not having a clear answer as to whether he will believe her or not to me shows that he isn't understanding. He's going to make her do a song and dance to prove that she's telling the truth and IMO it's just not worth it. You either accept the excuse or you don't, none of this passive aggressive wishy washy stuff. If he didn't want to accept her excuse then I would have just said, I think he should have given her another chance but I respect the decision.
kitten chick Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Ah well. That's why I said I wouldn't ask her about it. You either believe her or you don't. At this stage she doesn't really owe you anything other than an apology & and an explanation - which you already have. She's certainly not going to get into a debate about it with you. It shouldn't be this much hassle - really. Agreed!!!!
Author CaliGuy Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 I put it back on her this time. I just replied and said "Call me and we can reschedule." Let's see how motivated she is. If she calls, I'll go. If not then I know where her head is at. In the meantime I've gotten a total of 45 emails from my and narrowed it down to 5 (well, it was 6 but I'm not sure on this one) so hey, if it doesn't work out it's no biggie. I'd rather know now than deep into a relationship.
Author CaliGuy Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 Yes, that's what I'm saying. She had a reason for not calling him to find out what plans he made for them. If her reason was true then it would just be something they laugh at down the road. If her reason was a lie then he will find out the second time she does this and he should drop her like a bad habit. By not having a clear answer as to whether he will believe her or not to me shows that he isn't understanding. He's going to make her do a song and dance to prove that she's telling the truth and IMO it's just not worth it. You either accept the excuse or you don't, none of this passive aggressive wishy washy stuff. If he didn't want to accept her excuse then I would have just said, I think he should have given her another chance but I respect the decision. I'm not looking for a song and dance, it's just about mutual respect. If she had been up when she got her phone she could have at least called me. Why couldn't she call me in the morning? Emailed explanations, to me at least, are chicken-bleep. Have some guts to call and explain. It's much more sincere that way.
kitten chick Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Emailed explanations, to me at least, are chicken-bleep. Have some guts to call and explain. It's much more sincere that way. I may or may not agree with you on this one. I think it depends on the mode of communication established between the two of you already. If you basically only emailed then talked that one time then I don't think it's such a big deal. If you spent most of your time talking on the phone rather than emailing then she should have called when she got her phone back. Who knows, maybe it had no charge left after being misplaced for a weekend. I think you're reading too much into it. You don't know her well enough to make any of these assumptions about her, in fact, you don't know her at all.
cal gal Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 I hate bad starts. It takes the fun out of the new dating feeling. I purposely did this recently when I was nervous about a situation that would normally not be within my character realm just to make sure that I sabotaged the whole thing. Go to choices #2 and #3 asap, that way you will get your mind off of this silliness! May be some time down the road #1 will resurface and work out. But dwelling on it is only making both sides have bad feelings at this time. Nobody said you have to date one gal at a time, you are not committed to anyone mentally or emotionally except yourself. Move on to someone with less worries and more fun to offer you!
Author CaliGuy Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 I may or may not agree with you on this one. I think it depends on the mode of communication established between the two of you already. If you basically only emailed then talked that one time then I don't think it's such a big deal. If you spent most of your time talking on the phone rather than emailing then she should have called when she got her phone back. Who knows, maybe it had no charge left after being misplaced for a weekend. I think you're reading too much into it. You don't know her well enough to make any of these assumptions about her, in fact, you don't know her at all. Most of our time talking was spent on the phone. That's what irks me. If you are truly sorry, you call, you don't email. No, I don't know her, that's true. But at the same time, I know what I respect and what I don't respect and I won't allow myself to get into the position I was with the ex. Maybe I'm still stung a bit and overly-cautious? Who knows??
kitten chick Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Most of our time talking was spent on the phone. That's what irks me. If you are truly sorry, you call, you don't email. That would probably bother me too. Nobody knows what goes on in any relationship (even a very very new one) except the two people involved. You have to trust your own judgement and make a decision on which you will be happy with. Part of the whole doormat syndrome that you struggle with is not being able to trust yourself to make decisions and handle the outcome. Perhaps this is a good time for you to practice that. Maybe I'm still stung a bit and overly-cautious? You probably are but you're certainly not alone in that boat.
clandestinidad Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 UUGHHH...sorry to be negative, but here you go.... This stupid instance has already become a negative wedge between you 2. If you just want someone new to hang out with, then fine. But if it ever turns into more, it will sit and fester. You already think negative things about her, and she thinks youre an argumentative/combative guy. Its too hard for people to recover from such things.....I dont see this going anywhere, sorry 1
Author CaliGuy Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 That would probably bother me too. Nobody knows what goes on in any relationship (even a very very new one) except the two people involved. You have to trust your own judgement and make a decision on which you will be happy with. Part of the whole doormat syndrome that you struggle with is not being able to trust yourself to make decisions and handle the outcome. Perhaps this is a good time for you to practice that. My doormat syndrome was more or less centered on seeking her approval, which I don't do anymore. In this case, I might have been a bit combative, but that's based on my past experience of letting people pull one over on me and not standing up for myself. If I let her walk scott free and not say anything, then I'm back to being a doormat. If I say something to her, then I'm being combative. Hah, see??? I can't win. You probably are but you're certainly not alone in that boat. I'll probably screw a few of these up before I get one right
kitten chick Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 My doormat syndrome was more or less centered on seeking her approval, which I don't do anymore. Uh, of course you don't, you're broken up. I'll probably screw a few of these up before I get one right Probably. Me too though. Hooray for screwing other people up. jk, we're obviously not trying to screw other people up.
Art_Critic Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Lose/Lose like I said.. you can't win in this situation.
Author CaliGuy Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 Uh, of course you don't, you're broken up. I stopped most of it before we broke up. The first time we broke up I was calling, writing emails, IM'ing her, etc. This time, nothing. No calls, no emails, no IM's, NADA. For me, that's a huge step to recovery. It means I am sticking to NC and I am honoring myself by not giving control of my feelings to her. Big, big step for me. Probably. Me too though. Hooray for screwing other people up. jk, we're obviously not trying to screw other people up. Agreed
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