Tangerina Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 I hate feeling like this because I am normally a very positive and upbeat person... though I am a worrier.... but I have been feeling so down and depressed for the past 24 hours and have really been feeling super insecure about my relationship triggered by my room mate telling me about a conversation she had with my tipsy BF at our party about him being worried about being so in love with me but still missing being single... thing is, I know he feels this way sometimes and I know it is natural to feel this way and I know that the topic came up because they were talking about relationships and it wasn't like a big heavy thing where he was trying to confess or whatever..... but it still makes me feel so insecure... I think because by the end of my last relationship, which lasted for 3 years, my ex grew to resent me pretty strongly in some ways since he felt so tied to me by his love for me and my love for him and desire to make it work that he resented the ties that kept him from just leaving and resented me and himself for it... I know that was different but I never want to be in that situation again... thing is, this isn't that situation... this boy is crazy about me and does his best to show me... plus he is the one who has taken all of the committment steps first... he asked me out, was the first to ask for a serious relationship, wooed me when I wasn't as sure as he was about things, was the first to say I love you, first to make "future" comments about how maybe we should live together this summer or go to grad school together... he even brings up the possibility that this could lead to marriage sometimes..... and even though he has been the first to do all of those things I am right there with him and have fallen for him very deeply..... and all of his talk made me feel safe but now I am realizing that although it is a very different situation, there is still a shadow of what my ex felt and honestly what I think all men who fall in love at this age (20) feel... that as much as they are in love and committed they are afraid of losing some freedom or idea of freedom... and it scares me... not because I necessarily think we will get married or anything and I am afraid of losing that, not thinking about that yet, but because I am afraid that he will lead me on and grow to resent me as my ex did and as I have seen happen to so many of my friends.... thing is, he is great, and we are great, but I am having trust issues today and I think they are about 80% my issues and only 20% real things that affect our relationship.... grrrrrrrrr........ I just want to be carefree and trusting and enjoy it instead of the insecure wreck I can become when I over-think.....
Cupcake Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 20 is not a good age to even be in a committed relationship in this generation. Since your BF's thoughts bother you, now is a good time to talk to him about it. I don't know... I was once in a simular situation as you and your XBF. I had an XBF who pursued me, wanted committment first, and asked me to marry him. We were both in our early 20's. I was afraid we were moving too fast and offered him a chance to "break free" from our committment and just be friends until we knew we were right for each other. Well he denied the need to do that. I think mainly, he was afraid of losing me eventhough, deep down, he wasn't ready for committment. Another reason for the denial was that he hadn't found anyone to relplace me. But after a few months of us carrying on like everything was fine, he was introduced to someone new. And of course, he came to me and told me we needed "a break." I was much more heartbroken that he lied to me about his desires than I would have been if he had been mature and we could have talked about it. He showed that he had no respect for me, my feelings, and our relationship. I felt betrayed. It was the worse feeling I've ever had in my life. Hopefully, if you talk to your BF, he will be mature and honest with you. That will be a good sign that the two of you are right for each other. I shows that you respect him enough consider his needs. And he respects you enough to consider your relationship.
ehead Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Tangerina, your feelings are completely normal. I am dating a 20 yo girl right now (I am 35), and I used to worry far too much about the future. In my head I envisioned her meeting someone in about 4 years and leaving me, right about the time I really start going bald. So, I'll be 39 and bald and single. Great. We both really need to stop worrying about the future. After all, the future only exists in our heads, and worrying about it can not change anything after all. Sometimes worrying about something can actually be beneficial (if worrying about a test prompts you to study for it, for example), but in this case it's just going to cause gray hairs (I have enough of those already). Have you considered sharing these feelings with him ? You might want to consider copying and pasting your post into an email and sending it to him. This way he will understand how you feel, and when he sees how open and honest you are, I would think it would be hard to resent you.
TheSwordfish Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 The future only exists in our heads... wonderful sentence mate!
Author Tangerina Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 Thanks ehead... I concur... I worry about EVERYTHING too much and this is something I should be enjoying! He is pretty good at sharing, but he also keeps stuff inside sometimes which is what makes me feel worried, but I just need to trust him to share with me if he really has a problem. I really think that some baggage that I had in my last relationship is coming delayed reaction style as things get serious in this one.... before we even met in person (met online first) my BF told me he moves fast... as in if he likes someone he just knows and he goes for it... and things have moved really fast over the past 7 months and it has felt good but I am afraid that he is regretting it in some way since my Ex would have freaked and that is really all I had known before this relationship.... I am gonna talk to my BF, just a check in and make sure we are still on the same track... jeez, I know he likes me,tho... hell, he invited me to live with him this summer.... Cupcake.... I think you are right too, this is a bad age for people of my generation to fall in love because all of the external messages teach us that that isn't what we are supposed to be devoting energy to... I juts have never been one for casual dating and I like the relationship I am in so I guess I need to just chill and enjoy it and learn what I can even if it does end.... Funny, tho, I thought the problems with my ex were just because we were each other's firsts... but my current BF has had two serious relationships and many casual things and he still isn't totally sure which one he wants.... I know he wants me, though, whatever other conflicts he has, and that is a good feeling...
Author Tangerina Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 I also just realized something that I have been digesting for a long time.... I am almost afraid to think that things are going well because in my last relationship I managed to convince myself for a very long time that things were great and they weren't... so I am afraid that I could do that again, I am afraid that I can't trust my instincts because I have it in me to delude myself about these things.... but I know this is crazy because things ARE great in this situation, I know it and everyone on the outside can see it as well.... but I still don't quite trust myself to call it if something really is going awry....
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