Tangerina Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 GGRRRRR.... sometimes I wonder what is the point of falling in love when you are young... I fell in love with my ex when we were 16 and I always knew that no way would I ever want to marry him but it was good to be with him while we were teenagers and hard to let go when it ended but there it was, we were young and we had changed and it no longer worked and no one expects young love to last... it was painful but it was worth it because I learned so much.... now I am in love again, hoping that I am doing it better... this guy is so different from my ex, so much more together and mature and laid back, makes me feel good and he talks about a future where we are together... I still have a hard time saying anything long-term committal even though I am deffinitely a committment girl because in my last relationship I would always get shot down when I said anything like that... but slowly I am feeling more comfortable making plans with him in them and letting him know that I want to continue to be with him without being afraid of being rejected... he talks about how he wants to go to grad school together, and that he wants us to live in the same city this summer (I am actually going to move to his city to be with him this summer, because we have a semi LDR, and it is kind of scary for me to plan that far ahead with him in mind but it is a safe bet b/c I used to live in that city and have many friends besides him there so I am not putting all of my eggs in his basket, so to speak) etc etc with the committment talk. He has been in 2 committed relationships before this and has dated something like 17 people in the time he was single, so he knows about that world too....He makes me feels so good and has made me feel safe enough to fall for him and he is crazy about me... but.... but we are 20 years old and we are young and on the one hand I really think he sees himself marrying me but he also has confessed to me periodically during our relationship that he is really afraid of not being single... a few weeks ago, however, he told me that he still has that fear but that it is getting better and he thinks that what he misses is the feeling of validation when you suceed in getting someone to like you or seducing someone but that he is realizing that it is better to work on things with one person who really cares than to get a lot of people to like you for a night or two.... and it was good to hear that but he still has this fear... my ex left me in part because of this fear.... and I have the fear in a different way, the fear that comes from knowing that when I feel safe I fall hard but that that safety can go away pretty quickly and then it is a long way down...... the thing is, we are really young so the chances of anything really working out long term or on the level of marriage are pretty small.... how do you deal with falling in love and having meaningful relationships when you are young? I am not interested in dating, I like to get into things deep, but tonight I just feel jaded like "what's the point?"... probably since my room mate is going through a breakup after almost 2 years and we have been talking about it too much... and she says that last night at our party when everyone was a bit drunk my BF was confiding to her about being confused about being in love but being so young and not knowing what that really means to him.... that he can see himself marrying me and the idea makes him happy but behind that idea lays the fact that if it comes true then he has already reached the end of the road of variety and newness with other people.... and his best friend, who has been with his sweet GF since they were 17 was also saying "yeah, she is the only girl I have been with and sometimes I think I am just sick of it and should leave..." at least my BF and I have been with other people, but it still doesn't make those feelings go away.... I guess I am just trying to ramble out my feelings but does anyone here have any idea what I am talking about? About the paradoxes involved in being in love and forming committed relationships at an age where it is unlikely they will last more than a year or a couple of years..... sigh..... I usually have faith in love, but tonight I just feel jaded and tired... I think I am scared on my own in a big way because I am realizing how much I have grown to care for him.... I need to just go with the flow, things are great now and will probably continue to be great..... but I just feel scared tonight... like maybe baggage from the past is coming up, wondering how I gave so much to my ex and was ust treated poorly and hurt in the end... I think I am afraid of going through that again even though I should just be enjoying myself now... I guess hearing about that conversation from my room mate just brought up the fact that I don't really know any guys my age who don't feel that way, who aren't afraid to give up the idea of the greener grass... PS I just am curious what other people's experiences with love in their late teens/early 20's are.... most of this e-mail comes from my own insecurities and my interpretation of my BF's insecurities, not any actual problems that we are having in our relationship which is mostly awesome, I mean, c'mon, today in bed he sang me the song he wrote for me "Baby I've missed this feeling, you've really made me think being with you today, is gonna change who I'm gonna be. Cause my dear Tangerina, you are such a beautiful sight and since you like me to, just let me hold you tight tonight" Yah, he actually called me Tangerina in a song.... geez, he is so sweet and I am so crazy for him.... why can't we both just not be scared of the future?
Author Tangerina Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 A friend on IM just made this point, I like it. "I figure it don't matter how old you are your only missing out if your waiting for something" (spelling mistakes his) To update, I am feeling a bit better now that I ranted all of that out.... I really am happy and excited to see where it all goes and learn all that I can, but it can be a scary ride, especially when all you see around you is other people's failing relationships... it really threw me for a loop when my roomie told me about BF's best friend talking about being sick of his relationship since they seem so perfect and it made me feel really sad for her since she seems so excited and content with it..... made me wonder about my own situation.....
Apathygrip Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 well you know the saying, if we always fear the fall we never enjoy the flight....or something like that...hahah;)
consumed Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 well you know the saying, if we always fear the fall we never enjoy the flight....or something like that...hahah;) ain't that the truth
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