StArGaZeR Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Hello all. This might be a bit lengthy but bear with me, and thanks to anyone who decided to reply. About a year ago I broke up with my ex of 3 years, but to me things were over long before that (about 6 months). A few weeks later I began exclusively dating a girl from work and things were going well, but about 3 months into it there were signs that things probably wouldn't work out because of our differences in values and religion, as well as politics and other serious differences of opinion. That's what brought us together, those differences that her and I both noticed and I believe were trying to "change" each other. Suffice to say, she was a virgin and said she wanted to wait for marriage. Weeks went by and eventually one thing lead to another and things happened. We were both extremely nervous, scared and anxious with the situation. Looking back on it now (about 7 months ago) I realize that not only was that a HUGE choice that her and I made, but it was probably one of the most important choices she's made in her entire life. The emotions I felt after it happened were mudded, I felt disrespect for myself, guilt, happiness, sadness, a lot of confusion is the best way to describe it. Not really sure of what to do and feeling a sort of numbness, I contacted my ex and did the unthinkable. We ended up sleeping together that same day (At this point please don't try to feel mean towards me, I'm just explaining what happened). I told the girl I was dating about it the following day and she was, as you can imagine, heartbroken. After about a week we started talking again and tried to move past it, and I broke off all contact with my ex except for email because I thought we could "be friends". A couple of months went by and things seemed to be on the right track again, although after I left out of the country for 3 weeks I came home and found her gradually pulling away from me. I didn't pick up on her signals of no longer feeling comfortable and eventually things got worse over the next 2 months. She was pulling further and further away and I wasn't sure as to why (I do now). To make a long story short, after a night we were supposed to have spent together but didn't work out, I was upset because she hadn't called and told me why she wasn't coming over. I was a very impatient and selfish person, and I know that. I wrote an email which now I sincerely regret saying that I wish she never found happiness. Yes, I know....that's bad, very bad. About 3 weeks went by and I tried talking to her at work to try and understand why she had pulled away so much, and she wrote me an email stating that it all stemmed from that day I slept with my ex(5 months ago at this point). Everything began making sense to me and I became extremely emotional and wanted to change my life and be different. I wanted to be more sincere, more thoughtful, more loving, basically I didn't want to hurt anybody, no matter how mean or spiteful they were toward me, ever again. It was this past November. About 2 weeks went by and she ended up calling me to my surprise, and she agreed in letting me come over and hanging out with her. We did and it was incredibly great, just being in her company even though she fell asleep in my lap was just great. I truly felt that we would be able to move past what happened at this point and begin trying to gain back her trust. Now at this time I wasn't speaking to my ex at all, but low and behold the following day my ex wrote her through MySpace and told her things in an attempt to make things worse, which they did. She ended up pulling away again, feeling as though that things that night just brought back old, negative memories of the pat, and I felt hopeless. I felt it was the last straw and that if I didn't "prove" to her that she was important to me, I would lose her forever. I began writing her and promising things, and she never wrote back. When we saw each other at work I would try and speak to her but she didn't want to. Things were the worst they had ever been, and that's when I crashed. This was about 6 weeks ago, and at that point I fell into a depression that I'm just now beginning to recover from. It's hard to describe what I've been going through but along with my depression came an overwhelming sense of both human and spiritual growth. I was on an "enlightening high" but a low depression at the same time. At one point a couple of weeks ago I felt that I would never be able to love another woman ever again. Thinking about attraction or sex repulsed me, I was losing weight, wasn't able to eat much (I lost 10-15 pounds in 3 weeks because I didn't eat and I was only 190 to begin with). I pulled away a tremendous amount from my male friends including my best friend for 11 years because I felt different from them now, I felt so much more mature and I don't want to live with those who I feel can't provide me with any positivity. I have changed such an tremendous amount and really gained so much from the mistakes I made from when we were dating. My set of values are much more refined and mature, I am much more patient, mature, respectful, forgiving, humble and so forth and so on. I still feel like she is "the one" for me but I'm not the one for her. I've never felt love like this, and although I'm beginning to finally come up from my depression and down from my "enlightenment" and stabalize, I don't know what to do. We still work together, and during the time I was depressed we we would only say "hello" whenever we saw each other but that killed me and I couldn't handle not talking to her, so I decided to ignore her and not even look at her. Last week as I began feeling better I noticed that she was ignoring me as well. Yesterday was the first day in over 6 weeks that I felt I would have enough confidence and not feel "needy" so I said "hi" and she folowed with "hi" back. My initial reaction was that she was glad I had spoken to her, as I think she was confused as to why I stopped engaging in "hellos" with her 2 weeks before. I felt comfortable for the first time in a long time but wasn't sure if she was ready to talk yet. I decided to take the initiative and ask her a question, so I sat down at her table after she agreed I could ask her a question, and asked her if she could pick up a bible from her church for me. I really do want one, as I feel I can relate more to it now than ever before, and after I told her that I had researched on the internet for a free bible but they wanted me to provide them with my personal information, she said "oh that's not good", very calmly. I told her she was the only one I knew who went to church and that I thought mabye she could get access to one, and at this point my speech was a bit accelerated because of my anxiousness, and she smiled. I told her "it's nice to see you smile again", and she said "you too". I didn't want to push any further, so I told her that if she could pick one up for me I would really appreciate it and she didn't really give much more body language but said that she would pick one up for me. We didn't make eye contact for the rest of the day and I know that I can't write her or call as much as I want to, but my question is this. Obviously things are very fragile and the smallest mistake on my part could cost me any chance at regaining her trust, which is extremely important to me. I know that it will probably take at least 6 months to a year before we fully start talking again, but I really want to be able to show her that she means the world to me. I won't be in the situation to speak to her when she gives me the bible due to the nature of my job, but how do I thank her and should I try to begin initiating every conversation, or should I wait for her? This woman is amazing and I would happily trade a year just to spend 1 day with her. She is the greatest love I've ever known and it kills me to think that she has moved on while I have been so frantic and depressed the past month. Any and all advice, concerns or suggestions would really be appreciated. Thank you for your time.
srsvfx Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 your depression only lasted 6 weeks so thats not bad (mine is 6 months and counting thats why i came to this site, but no one responds to my posts... ). my suggestion, maybe print this page out and send it to her?
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