NYCA Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Alright, I've written a couple of threads about this guy that I met online. In case you didn't read either of them, we started corresponding in early December but due to the holidays and schedules, we didn't formally meet until the beginning of January. Anyway we've been dating for about 3 weeks now. In the beginning BEFORE he even met me in person, he was very attentive to me, calling, texting and emailing everyday. I felt very suffocated by this and was wary of meeting him. Well we finally did meet in person and it was great. We hit it off right away. He was even doing things like saying "we should do this together" and "we should do that." I, of course, was flattered but remained level-headed about it and realized that he was probably excited by the whole novelty of dating someone who seems to have all the things he is looking for. At the same time, I didn't doubt that he liked me as much as he expressed that he did. I really liked the fact that he was very attentive to me and was getting very comfortable with it. OK so things were going well, he was very affectionate up until last weekend. Up until that point we had talked about how we felt a connection and it was crazy to feel chemistry like this so quickly with someone. Well last Sunday after spending the whole weekend with him, I could sense that he was pulling back. He wasn't telling me that he was thinking about me and was excited to see me. He wasn't being as attentive as he had been before. I even found myself asking him why he had been so "up my butt" so-to-speak before and then was not so much anymore. He said that we were still in the process of getting to know one another. This was such a big change from the guy who had only a few days before told me how much he was looking forward to seeing me and how he told his friends and co-workers about me. Anyway I didn't question him or attack him with "why have you been pulling away?" because I could sense that if I did it, it would make him back away from me even more. He has been calling and texting me everyday. It's just not the same. He says "I had a lot of fun with you" instead of "It was so nice to spend time with you and be with you." I texted him something like "I'm thinking about you" on Sunday and he just blatantly ignored it. I know he is busy with his schedule and WE ARE still getting to know each other. It's just hard to deal with this when he was so attentive before and is a bit more distant now. I know he has A LOT going on, a busy career, very demanding friends and family and a brother with a mental disorder that calls him several times a day to talk for long periods of time. It's not like he has been avoiding me and it's not that he has not wanted to spend time with me. He likes spending time with me and I enjoy spending time with him. I want to be affectionate like we were before. I just don't get it. I would talk to him about this but I don't want to push him away. I'm confused. I mean I am just rolling with it like my friends have been telling me to do, but I am not sure we will get to back to where we were at in the beginning and I am afraid that things will just taper off. Anyone go through something like this?
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 You need to tell him how you feel. If you don't this is going to drive you crazy. From what I see is, he does like you and possibly is scared because it's moved so fast. There's a HUGE difference between IMing with someone many times a day, emailing etc, but when online life turns to real live person, face to face, things can change. It becomes more real instead of fantasy...Not saying what you two had was fantasy, but meeting up and spending alot of time together could be freaking him abit. Neither of you really know eachother. You do in the sense of talking and personal stuff but what do you really know about him? What does he know about you? Daily life, moods, routines, good stuff, bad stuff, habits, smells, expressions...All that stuff changes when you meet upclose. Hope this helps. Talk to him tomorrow!
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 You only met three weeks ago. Sounds like this moved waaaaay too fast and the infatuation was too intense. It's probably good to cool things a bit and let it settle into a normal pace.
JayKay Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 I've noticed (with myself and friends) that when a guy moves into your life at a feverish pace, things are destined to go a little haywire shortly thereafter. It's hard to sustain a fantasy after meeting a real person. He's probably having second thoughts about having moved so quickly. Maybe he feels confused and is wondering why he rushed things so much. Maybe he has 'cold feet' I've been in your shoes. I dated a guy years ago who told me "I'm falling in love you" within two months of our meeting each other. It was freaky. He was a really neat guy; cute, smart, funny and seemed somewhat together. Granted, I probably was harboring my own fantasies as well. Despite my misgivings, I told him I felt the same way. A couple more months went by and he had a major freak out. Called me to say he didn't know what he was doing, couldn't seem to figure out his life and needed some space. Anyway, I'm not saying things couldn't work out for you two....it's just that when things hurtle along at lightening speed usually one person or the other needs to slow down and do a reality check. Talk it over with him and see if you can both progress past the awkward phase.
Author NYCA Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 Thank you for your responses. Yes it does appear that things were moving along fast. I don't doubt that he doesn't like me, I think that the difference before is that he was infatuated with the image of who I was before. I want to clarify though that THE ONLY difference is that he's just not being as sentimental as he was before. The ironic part is that I was the one complaining to my friends about how it was too suffocating in the beginning and now I am complaining about him backing off. I mean the thing is that it's not that he has stopped communicating with me or has shown signs of trying to avoiding me. My good friend said that she thinks it is only natural for things to pan out like this. She said that you can't expect him to be like he was in the beginning because people are just not like that. She said and other friends have said that if I talk too much about this kind of stuff, it will push him away. I wish there was a way to talk to him about it without him thinking that I want him to jump into dating me exclusively. I want to take things slow too and see how they go BUT I do want him to be aware that it's weird to be that intense and then cool off. Any advice on how to bring it up?
brightskies Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 As hard as it might be, you need to calm down and stop overthinking so much, or it's going to sabotage things. After so much intensity it's normal for things to taper off a bit, especially if you've already spent an entire weekend together. That's a lot of closeness in a short time span. The worst thing you can do at this point is start badgering him with questions or "chase after him," figuratively speaking. Keep yourself busy with your own life and let him come to you. You've established that you both like each other, so at least you don't have to worry about that. He's probably at that crossroads where we try to balance our individuality with the shared intimacy of the relationship. It's an adjustment for you both. In the meantime, relax and enjoy yourself with him.
Guest____ Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Well it seems to me that he could still be infatuated with you, he's just realizing that he might have come on a little too strong, and he doesn't want to make you think he's too into you. (Which it sounds like he has, if you thought he was "obsessed" with you.) He's just backing down from that, that's all. Doesn't necessarily mean he feels any different than he used to.
blue16 Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 I think he's realizing he was giving you too much attention, which may or may not have been reciprocated by you. Perhaps he doesn't know if you feel about him as he does about you, so he's backing off a little in order to see how you respond.
Author NYCA Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 Thanks again for your responses. After being out and talking with him on Sunday and tonight, I found out that he is not sure that he is happy that he moved here to NY and is kind of down about his job. I feel helpless. I want to help him but don't want to overstep my boundaries as someone who is just starting to date him. I was listening to him and he sounds really down about things. I told him that there is a reason behind everything and that he had a purpose to come here. Perhaps he doesn't know it yet, but it's there. I think he feels like he is in a transition period where he is not really sure what direction he is taking in his life with work and other things. Anyway, I guess I am concerned that I fit in with the rest of the "ho-hum" in his life. When he said he wasn't happy living in the city and wishes that he was still where he was before it made me sad. It also started making me feel insecure. He made it sound almost as if he is unhappy with everything around him right now. So it made me feel unsure about his thoughts and feelings for me. I mean I DO KNOW this much that no one says or does something that they REALLY don't want to do it. He wouldn't be texting and calling me everyday if he wasn't interested in me some bit. The question is if if he really likes me enough to want to EVENTUALLY pursue a serious relationship or if he is just dating me to fill time. I KNOW that probably everyone and their mother is going to say that the answer to that is "you'll have to ask him" or "only time will tell." Sigh. BlueSkies is right, all I can do is just roll with it and enjoy the ride so-to-speak.
riobikini Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 RE: "he feels like he is in a transition period where he is not really sure what direction he is taking in his life with work and other things." Careful!!! If he is feeling sad, depressed, and lonely and your intuition is telling you he may be transitioning from something, it may be wise to get more information about him before going any further in dating mode. Two key questions to get answers to are: How recent was his last relationship? -and was it serious, or casual? What was the reason for the move? Personally, I see many caution flags with him and would wait until I knew more about his background. If it turns out he is transitioning from a serious relationship, you could wind up being the transitional girlfriend, who ALWAYS gets dumped. If he is just lonely due to the recent move and being alienated from familiar people and places, you may be just a time-filler until he can get his bearings and have time to meet other people. If he is just a flake with untreated mental problems, suffering from chronic depression and can't seem to make friends nor fit in anywhere he goes, -then you are in for a big dose of confusing flip-flops in the relationship, which will never be healthy nor fulfilling for you, and he could wind up being just one great big heart-ache you didn't need in the first place. Wait for the answers you need before getting hung up him and worrying too much about his sudden change in behavior towards you. He might be doing you a favor. The reason for the change could possibly be due to some of the suggestions other posters have given you, but by all means, hold off to find out. Take care. -Rio
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