Just when you thought you knew your partner and that your relationship was airtight

[Shattered Heart]

I’m 29, and my girlfriend (soon to have been fiancée) broke up with me about three months ago. We had been happily together for over a year with our future all mapped out, planning on getting married one day and living a beautiful life together. Well, that all changed when her good friend from California who she has known for almost 12 years contacted her and professed his love for her and opened her eyes to the possibility of being with someone who she has been good friends with for so long. And she went for it! I always knew about him since she would tell me about this guy from California who she was close friends with. She told me they always had feelings for one another and only kissed two years ago, but that they were only “friends”. As it turns out, and I didn’t find this out until recently which I’ll explain later, this guy has had my ex’s sister in his back pocket all these years by always keeping him up to date on the status of my ex’s past relationships, especially when things started to turn sour. Well, about a week before she broke up with me, we decided to take a break because she revealed her true feelings to me, to my complete surprise. And they went something like this. She felt smothered and suffocated, she felt that I was trying to change her, and she felt intimidated by my mother because of everything my mother does for everybody. I could expand on this, but I’ll just say that these things were nothing more than “feelings” felt by a very strong, independent woman. Other than what she was feeling, nothing was inherently wrong with our relationship. Well, it was at this time that he was informed about this little “bump” in our relationship, and he took full advantage of the situation by swooping right in and taking no prisoners. So, here it is almost three months later, and now she's up and moving to California (we’re from New York) next week to be with him. She says this is a good opportunity for her to spread her wings and experience new places and things. As though her life with me wasn’t exciting or stimulating enough for her. I always did all the things a great boyfriend could possibly do for her, aside from traveling the countryside. And the strange thing is that she was always a homebody, or at least that’s what she led me to believe, and never once hinted that she wanted all this extra stimulation. Then again, she never communicated her true feelings to me, which I always encouraged her to do, but she never did. To be honest, I think she’s confused and doesn’t really know what she wants in this life. Well, not only is she moving to be with him, but they also want to get married right away. That’s right, I said GET MARRIED! How ridiculous is that? As a couple, they’ve only really been “chatting” with each other, either by phone or online. He came to visit her during Thanksgiving break and again for a few days in December, for maybe a combined total of 10 days in three months, and already they’re discussing marriage??? Sound a little impulsive to you? Trying to figure her out over the past few months, it seems as though she has this pressing need to get married, that it will somehow solve all her problems in life, which are deep-rooted issues stemming from her childhood with the divorce of her parents and the blaming and resenting of her mother for not only causing the divorce, but for abandoning her family as well. As for us, I found out from others that she was expecting me to propose to her on our one-year anniversary. And when I didn’t, that’s when everyone started noticing a change in her attitude and the way she began treating me. And it wasn’t long after that point that she called the break and eventually the breakup. In hindsight, I should’ve taken her track record with guys into consideration, since she told me she’s been with close to 20 guys since she was 19, and she’s now only 26, and was once engaged to a guy for two and a half years which she called off. But, of all her relationships, she, her sister, and her best friends all tell me that she was happiest with me. Which surprises me to think she just left me high and dry like that, like I didn't matter at all. I guess I was just another notch in her belt of life. And the worst is that she was my first true love who I planned on marrying one day. So you can only imagine how I've been. It would've been one thing if I saw this coming, but just when I thought everything was hunky dory and that our relationship was airtight, I get hit with a ton of bricks and am totally blindsided. I could understand if I did something to merit this type of impulsive behavior or her sudden change of heart, such as cheating on her, being a jerk or a bastard, but I've been nothing but gold to her. I not only wore my heart on my sleeve, but on every stitch and fabric of clothing that I own. And to make matters worse, ever since our breakup, she’s done nothing but tell me lie after lie. I had a feeling that the guy from California might have been the reason she broke up with me, so when I asked her on the day of our breakup, she denied that they were a couple. I kept pursuing the same questioning as the weeks went by, and each time I confronted her, I would get a little bit more out of her, like she “might” consider being with him some day. Never satisfied that she was being 100% honest with me, I wanted to find out for sure, so I stumbled upon an extremely reliable source. And what I found out was very shocking and disturbing. Not only was she lying to me about the extent and involvement of their relationship together, but it turns out that she was faced with a decision when we went on our break; him…who she’s known all these years and was never involved with, or me…who she’s known for a little over a year and had a strong, happy, intimate relationship with. Well, not only did she not choose me, but they both started bad-mouthing me, for absolutely no reason at all. I never did anything to deserve this kind of harsh treatment. That’s why this is so hurtful. And the hardest thing I’ve had to bear was knowing that she told him how awkward it was for her to be friends with someone she doesn’t even like (since we had decided to be “just friends” after we broke up). There are other things that I know she has lied to me about, only because of the knowledge I’ve attained, but she has no idea that I know any of this. And I wonder if it’s wise to keep my knowledge a secret, or if I should “let her have it”. Right now, she thinks she has pulled the wool over my eyes and that she’s got the best of both worlds by having this guy as her new lover, and me as her “friend”. So everything is going just the way she wants it to go. However, I’M the one she broke up with, I’M the one who’s in pain and suffering, and I’M the one who knows all this backstabbing information. I just don’t know what to do. On one hand, if I don’t say anything to her, I will be living with this knowledge as a secret from her for the rest of my life, and she’ll live her life thinking she got away with murder, but we may still remain friends. Yet there still won’t be any satisfaction on my end. On the other hand, if I reveal to her everything I found out, I will get major satisfaction from speaking my mind because of all this bottled up anger, she’ll probably feel lower than dirt, and we may end up never talking again. So you can see my dilemma. Option one, she wins. Option two, I win, but I probably lose her as a friend. I don’t know what the best course of action is. All I know is that this has got to be one of the worst first breakups any guy can ever endure, probably because I know way too much, but I think I’d rather have this knowledge and see her for the person she truly is, than to be totally clueless and left in the dark with everything. Had she been honest with me from the beginning, it wouldn’t have been so bad. But having to find out everything from another source, and knowing that she’s been lying right to my face, makes it all the more painful. It’s as if I don’t know who this person is anymore, with all the lies, the deceit, and the betrayal. I mean, how could she do this to me, after everything we’ve been through as a couple? In any case, I don't wish this level of excruciating pain even on my worst enemy. What do I do?

[salmagundi]

How about option 3 S-H...f**k her, don't be her friend, walk away and go NC and don't ever go back. A few weeks of total NC should make clear why a woman who can get engaged to you and then drop you like a hot rock and leap into the arms of someone else days later is not a good bet for a lifetime commitment, or an LTR in any form. She clearly has little respect for you, doesn't care how you feel and...well...maybe was never really all that in love with you to begin with. People get over infatuations just like that. But love? If she loved you, this breakup would be hard for her too, even if she initiated it. Sounds like shes doing ok, huh?

 

I think you should accept its done and just try and salvage some life lessons from it all. Don't worry about what she did, above all dont freak out on her, that might make her feel bad, sure, but it will also show her how bothered you are about her. Thats not the way to dignity, I dont think. I would worry about yourself. Maybe you did nothing wrong, maybe you share some responsibility and need to make some changes so you don't get screwed over by selfish narcissists in the future.

 

anyway, hope that helps

 

salmagundi

[Becoming]

You're obsessing over her, probably to keep the pain at bay that threatens to overwhelm you. The only way to get through this is to go through it, not divert the pain by obsessing over someone who has chosen to marry another. You don't know what's going on in her mind and never will. Option 3 is, as S. said above, is you best. Don't have anything to do with her for many months, if at all, ever. Walk away with your head held high, knowing you loved someone well but that she couldn't accept that, for whatever reason. You loved, gave it your all, and even though you "lost," you didn't really. You've learned some valuable lessons to take into the next relationship. Hopefully one of them is to remain the loving person you sound like you are and to work on what YOU need to work on for YOU.

 

Forget her. For whatever reason, she's chosen her life. Now choose yours. Other people are not responsible for our happiness and can't make us truly happy. We're designed to want to be with other people, sure, but why would you want to be with someone who didn't share her true self with you? Next time, you'll know this is something you need. Find someone who will be an open book whose qualities and goals are compatible with yours before going too emotional too soon next time, and I think you'll come to see this may very well have been one of the best things that's ever happened to you, though it sure doesn't feel like it now.

 

Sorry you're hurting so. Instead of focusing on her, though, focus on what it is that makes you feel better and soothe yourself with comfort, consolation, and love.

[Neptune]

Be thankful you never married her. All of this could have happened from one to thirty years down the road.

 

She is not clear about what she wants in life. It happens to both men and women. Who knows, she may eventually end up in the convent and have a thing going with Gold Pile.

[Hitch]

What's up with women these days.... She is being very irrational about marrying the guy and she seems to be very immature. You seem like a great guy and the problem like me is that we treated our women too nicely. Treat them a little like dirt, we will get more respect. Obviously she doesn't know what she wants.

[Shattered Heart]

Well, we were never actually engaged. However, it was only a matter of time before I was going to pop the question. And as for no contact, I’ve been doing that to an extent, but I’ve had no other choice recently because she broke up with me owing me $4K, telling me she’d get the money to me before she left for CA. Nobody thought I’d ever see the money again, but I didn’t think she could do that to me, since it would be like adding insult to injury. Well, I don’t have to worry about that anymore since she paid me in full tonight. She got the money from her new guy, so now it’s only a matter of time before he has to start collecting from either her or the “newest” guy when she breaks it off with the “new” guy. I see a pattern here. I thought that getting my money back would be like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. However, the strange thing is that I felt MORE upset, and the only reason I could think of was because the money was always a force that “kept us together”. But now that she’s paid me back, it’s like the final goodbye in our relationship, along with the realization that she is moving to CA at the end of this week. Not to mention, it was the money that was keeping me from revealing my knowledge to her, since I knew that by telling her, I would only be jeopardizing getting my money back. But when she handed me the money, I wanted to say so much to her, but I turned out to be the better person, and all I said was ‘thank you’. I just feel like if I don’t tell her what I know to be the truth, she walks away from this whole ordeal without a scratch, while I’m left suffering in the trenches. I want her to know that it’s NOT okay to keep hurting people and that love is not a game.

 

I do agree that she seems to have little respect for me now, and doesn’t care how I feel. However, we really were in love with each other, but she says she fell out of love (because of this new guy). And, according to her, the breakup was hard on her, since she said she cried for five days straight. But I can only go by what she tells me, which I’ve found out to be mostly lies anyway. In her mind, she thinks she’s doing okay, since she has what she “thinks” she wants (for now), but that could change too. Who knows? I can’t figure her out, and I’ve almost given up trying.

 

And “Becoming”, thank you too for your kind, insightful, and thoughtful words. I can’t do anything but accept what you tell me, since everything you say rings true and it seems like you really know the kind of person I am.

 

Being that I got my money, I don’t plan on contacting her from this point on. Aside from e-mail updates on the money she owed me, it’s been weeks since I’ve “chatted” with her. And when I saw her, she made a comment on how I was never “online” anymore, and that she doesn’t want me out of her life completely and that she wants me to keep her updated on the things that are going on in my life. I don’t think I should, since I don’t want to give her any more satisfaction than she’s already gotten. What do you think?

[Shattered Heart]

You're absolutely right! My grandmother had a saying: Too good is no good! I haven't lived by that saying yet, mostly because I can't see myself being less than great to any woman. It's just who I am, but I wish more women would start appreciating goodness when it is presented to them, instead of using it AGAINST us guys. You know what it is. There's just not enough genuine, warm-hearted, loving women in the world anymore. At least not like the women of generations past. If today's generation of women is any indication of what the future generations of women will bring, the dating community is in for a rude awakening. And I think a lot of it has to do with increased numbers of divorces where children are affected, and the fact that kids today are so damn spoiled and expect to have everything handed to them on a silver platter. I could keep venting, but you get the picture. I really don't have anything against women as a whole, just the ones who don't appreciate us guys, take us for granted, and toy with our hearts.

[Raven1845]

I wish more women would start appreciating goodness when it is presented to them, instead of using it AGAINST us guys. You know what it is. There's just not enough genuine, warm-hearted, loving women in the world anymore. I really don't have anything against women as a whole, just the ones who don't appreciate us guys, take us for granted, and toy with our hearts.

 

Hey Sweetie,

 

Glad I found your thread after you had posted on my thread.

 

I just wanted to say that, unfortunately, men do this same thing to women. Some "people" just seem to want to be treated badly. And there are always both men and women out there that will do this. I've never understood that.

 

My ex preferes a woman that ignores him and acts like she cares nothing for him. That is what keeps him interested. He calls it a challenge, I call it an immature game. To me, a challenge is someone who if you give them crap, they'll give it back. Not someone who treats you badly and keeps you guessing. But that's another thread.

 

I can tell you won't, but just keep in mind that not all women like to be treated badly. If you can do that, then I'll try to remember that not all men like to be treated badly.

 

I'm so sorry for the pain your ex has caused you. Just from life experience, I can say with confidence that "Mr. California" will be in for a surprise in the future when "Mr. Someone else" comes along.

 

Chin up, babe. You seem like a great guy. I know it hurts . . . BELIEVE ME, I know. But tough times never last . . . tough people do.

 

Big hugs,

Raven

[Shattered Heart]

Hey Raven,

 

Okay, I see how it is...you're spying on me! Actually, I really appreciate your effort in searching for my thread and posting a reply. I seriously can't get over how similar our views are regarding our exes. Granted, our individual situations may be different, but our feelings and thoughts about how we perceive our own selves and our exes are right on que.

 

As a quick update to my other thread titled "Is silence really golden?" (which is actually part 2 to this thread), it's been three weeks since my ex and I have had any contact. And, unless she goes out of her way to contact me, we will remain without contact. I'm actually beginning to learn that contacting your ex actually causes more harm than good, and can be detrimental to your healing process. I mean, as each week passes without any contact with my ex, the better I'm feeling. I know it will only be a matter of time until I can actually say with confidence, "I'M HEALED!" But I know there's plenty more time until I can proudly profess those words.

 

And Raven, I hope you're 110% right about how "they" will end up. Everybody I've spoken to says the same thing. I don't care who gets theirs in the end, as long as they don't last as a couple. That's the satisfaction I'm gunning for. Just wondering, what specific life experiences have you had that make you so sure they won't make it?

 

Today has not been the greatest for me, simply because of what this day represents. I've had better days...and years. It's weird, because the first 27 years of my life, Valentine's Day didn't really mean anything to me. It always felt like just another day. However, I've experienced both extremes over the last two years alone, since the 28th year was the best, and now the 29th year is the absolute worst. Hopefully, I've hit rock bottom and can now begin to experience happier Valentine's Days.

 

I don't know what it is, Raven, but there's something about you that brings a smile to my face every time I hear from you. Since we're both going through difficult times right now, why not lighten the mood a bit? That said, at the risk of sounding cheesy...Raven, would you be my online Valentine?

[reservoirdog1]

Hey SH... I agree with some of the others. Stop communicating with her. Remember the old saying: "If you love something set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was." Sounds corny, but it's true -- if you stop trying to get in touch with her, you'll know soon enough if this has had an impact on her. Play hard to get.

 

Or, simply conclude that she's gone, and that you need to get on with your life. I echo whoever else said it... at least you found out NOW. Not after a few years of marriage. My XW was similar -- secretly felt trapped, never communicated her true feelings or what she wanted -- and then suddenly, one day, I find out she's a serial cheat and has been since before the wedding. And now I'm stuck with her in my life because of the kids.

 

Most importantly, whether you want her back or not, STOP contacting her.

[Raven1845]

Raven, would you be my online Valentine?

 

You betcha'!

 

Too bad I was asleep when you asked . . . does a day late in responding still count?

[Shattered Heart]

You betcha'!

 

Too bad I was asleep when you asked . . . does a day late in responding still count?

 

Well, I can now say my Valentine's Day wasn't so bad afterall.

 

And, after such grueling and exhausting deliberations, the 12 jurors have finally reached a verdict...yes it counts, but only because you were sleeping. Actually, screw them all. Who needs them anyway? I'm the only one who matters in making this decision, and I decide that it would've counted no matter what. But next time........................

 

So how are you holding up, sweetie?

[Raven1845]

Well, I can now say my Valentine's Day wasn't so bad afterall.

 

And, after such grueling and exhausting deliberations, the 12 jurors have finally reached a verdict...yes it counts, but only because you were sleeping. Actually, screw them all. Who needs them anyway? I'm the only one who matters in making this decision, and I decide that it would've counted no matter what. But next time........................

 

So how are you holding up, sweetie?

Awesome sense of humor. Thank you for the smile!

 

Holding up? Hmm . . . not too good. It seems like I go from thinking I'm feeling okay to feeling rotten. I'm a little mad at myself for missing someone that treated me so horribly. Can't help it, I guess, and can only hope it goes away. Just hard to believe I meant so little to someone that meant so much. I think the hardest part isn't so much that I miss him as much as it is that I didn't mean anything to him. ???

 

As far as being able to see into Mr. California's future with your ex, I've seen people do it and have heard about it time and time again. There's a saying, "You lose a person the way you got them." That seems to hold true for some of the relationships I've heard about.

 

Thursday nights I go out with a girlfriend of mine to a club. (I'm not really that into clubs anymore, but do it to get out of the house). I hope he isn't there tonight. If he is, he'll only try to upset me by flirting with everything with a pulse. Guess that's another thing that bothers me. I think I'm naturally very attractive, very little make-up, not plain-looking, just not painted like a clown, and other guys always notice me, but he prefers the girls with the caked-on make-up that will go home with him after an introduction. Don't men realize that the more hair and make-up that is done, the less attractive someone is underneath? If I were a guy, I'd want to know what someone really looked like. I don't know. I think I'm a great catch. Not at all common. I was so easily tossed aside. I just don't understand it.

 

How've you been holding up? Been smiling daily? Hope so.

 

Big hugs,

Raven

[Shattered Heart]

Awesome sense of humor. Thank you for the smile!

 

Well, what really made me flip out was when I noticed that my ex and Mr. California were part of the jury panel. So how could they be impartial when making such a crucial decision as that? That's why I took the matter into my own hands and dismissed their decision as it never amounted to anything in my eyes...and never will. The main thing is that you were my online Valentine. That's all that really matters.

 

Holding up? Hmm . . . not too good. It seems like I go from thinking I'm feeling okay to feeling rotten. I'm a little mad at myself for missing someone that treated me so horribly. Can't help it, I guess, and can only hope it goes away. Just hard to believe I meant so little to someone that meant so much. I think the hardest part isn't so much that I miss him as much as it is that I didn't mean anything to him. ???

 

I'm sorry you're not doing so well, cutie. I know EXACTLY how you feel, as my feelings match yours. There hasn't been one thing you've said so far that I can say differs from my own feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. I mean, not similar, but EXACT. It's so amazing, it's beginning to scare me. All I can say is stop beating yourself up. From what I've gathered thus far, you seem like someone I would go for, and I can honestly say I'm a great person. I never really realized this until my ex broke up with me, since the breakup actually forced me to reflect on myself as a person and as a boyfriend. And I can honestly say that I excel in both those areas. And the funny thing is that I am a very modest person. However, I don't know what the breakup has done to me, but it's allowed me to be less modest and more proud of the person I am. And Raven, I know you're the same great person as you've always been. You just have to recognize this for yourself. Once you do, everything you're thinking and feeling now will be a thing of the past. If anything positive is going to come out of your breakup, let that be it.

 

As far as being able to see into Mr. California's future with your ex, I've seen people do it and have heard about it time and time again. There's a saying, "You lose a person the way you got them." That seems to hold true for some of the relationships I've heard about.

 

I've never heard that saying before, but it makes perfect sense. It's similar to "what goes around, comes around." And I sincerely hope it happens in their case. There won't be any justice in the world if it doesn't happen. I'm too good a person for something as horrible as them lasting as a happy couple. If I was anything less than perfect to her, I guess it would be my punishment if they lasted. But it's just not the case.

 

Thursday nights I go out with a girlfriend of mine to a club. (I'm not really that into clubs anymore, but do it to get out of the house). I hope he isn't there tonight. If he is, he'll only try to upset me by flirting with everything with a pulse.

 

I hope you enjoyed yourself tonight at the club. Let me ask you a silly question. Why would you go to a place where you know "he" is going to be?

Why would you crucify yourself like that? You know the more you see him, the more the pain is going to resurface. Plus, you said yourself that you're not really into clubs anymore. So why not go somewhere else with your girlfriend? You should go out to relax and enjoy yourself, and you can't do that if he's there. You deserve to go out and have a worry-free great time. Not play these subtle "games" with "him". Just a suggestion, but if there's anything I've learned by not seeing or hearing from my ex in weeks, is that I'm actually beginning to feel better because of the lack of contact. I know that if I were to see or hear from her, I would only begin to regress. And I can't mentally afford for that to happen. I'm just looking out for you babe, and I want you to get better. And I can't see that happening if you continue to subject yourself to that jerk.

 

Guess that's another thing that bothers me. I think I'm naturally very attractive, very little make-up, not plain-looking, just not painted like a clown, and other guys always notice me, but he prefers the girls with the caked-on make-up that will go home with him after an introduction. Don't men realize that the more hair and make-up that is done, the less attractive someone is underneath? If I were a guy, I'd want to know what someone really looked like. I don't know. I think I'm a great catch. Not at all common. I was so easily tossed aside. I just don't understand it.

 

My ex was naturally beautiful, probably like you are. She never had to apply much makeup. However, after what she's done to me, I'm starting to view her in a different light. As beautiful as she is, she's actually beginning to appear ugly to me. So, I guess it doesn't take much makeup to realize just how unattractive someone really is underneath. I AM a guy, and I already know what she really looks like. You may be referring to physical appearance, but we should all want to know what someone really looks like...on the inside. You do seem like a great catch, and any man would be lucky to have you, and a fool for leaving you. Understand that.

 

How've you been holding up? Been smiling daily? Hope so.

 

Believe me, I have my moments. I used to have my "days", but thankfully it's been reduced to my "moments". Granted, those moments may be frequent, but they're not as constant and definitely not as painful as the first three months after the breakup. Now that I'm in my second "trimester" (yes, I'm giving myself about nine months to fully heal...hopefully it will be less), it seems like with each passing day, I'm getting closer and closer to being fully healed. It's strange, but as I'm typing this, my heart is aching for some reason. I guess I'm just thinking about my ex and all the pain she's caused me. Yep, that'll do it! All in all, I have noticed myself smiling more, and my sense of humor (which was non-existent in the first three months) is slowly making a comeback. Raven, just the fact that I'm able to make you smile, gives me such a confidence boost that I know I'm able to become the real me again...the person who was able to initially attract my ex, as well as people in general. I guess not too many people can handle all the goodness I possess. Oh well, their loss.

[Raven1845]

(((Shattered Heart)))

 

[email protected]

 

[Shattered Heart]

Raven,

 

Just in case you get any e-mails from posers, here's my e-mail address:

 

[email protected]

 

[Guest]

Im going out with this guy everyone tells me he is cheating on me but i dont no and i still love him

[HurtNConfused]

I have just read this thread and you strike me as a very intelligent, articulate, perceptive, sensitive, balanced and kind individual. A real catch. I hope to meet someone with those qualities one day, when I'm ready and have matured enough to accept and treasure the love of someone good and pure like you. I am far from there yet...

 

I am so sorry you have been through this experience. It's enough you put you off loving again!

 

You seem to have a healthy level of self-esteem. The more I live life, the more I am convinced that self-esteem is crucial, essential and imperative for life, relationships, happiness etc.

 

When someone lacks self-esteem, it is debilitating. It incites strange relationship behaviours; an incredible fear of rejection, immense game playing, "how much do you love me?" tests, hiding of true feelings and an incredibly fickleness etc. More importantly, it prevents a person from experiencing true love. How on earth can you love someone if you don't love yourself???? All you will do is go through relationships seeking validation that you are lovable. How do I know this? Because I lack self-esteem to a scary extent. Many people do, unfortunately. Ok, it hasn't led me to do the things your ex has done, but I think I am probably more self-aware than her and I therefore regulate myself better.

 

I simply don't think your ex has self-esteem, and therefore wasn't capable of true love. Until she addresses her issues, she will continue her obvious patterns. I truly doubt her new relationship will work. It is just another "AM I LOVABLE?" experience for her.

 

One day she may face her demons and realise what she needs to do. Love herself first before she can really love anyone else.

 

And I am convinced that you have yet to meet "the one". A lady who is everything you want, who is special in many ways and loves herself enough to TRULY love and commit and grow with you. And when it happens you will be so RELIEVED AND HAPPY that you never married your ex. You deserve a wonderful woman who treasures your love and cares for you, protects you from hurt, has your best interests at heart.

 

I say, RAISE your standards. Write a list of all the qualities you seek in "the one" and clarify in your heart and mind what you feel you deserve.

 

I hope I am making sense?

 

Good guys, like yourself, always ask why women go for bastards. Not all women go for bastards, but some do. Some men go for bitches.... You will find that these people have low self esteem and high rejection sensitivity. Let me try to explain my take on it...

 

There is this thing we all have called "rejection sensitivity". When an individual has a high rejection sensitivity, they are always anticipating rejection, it's what they expect. They do not think they are worth being loved 100%. So, what do these people do? They are drawn to people who will reject them, because it fits with they way they see things. So a woman with high rejection sensitivity might go for the commitment phobe or the player. They don't go for/stay with a loving, committed, loyal person - they feel they don't deserve it. It doesn't fit in with how they see themselves. All this stuff is very subtle and goes on sub-consciously, below our level of awareness. It's very complex.

 

My point is this. You sound like a wonderful guy with high self-esteem. You are capable of true love. Nurture yourself. Realise that you are worth a great deal. Realise that your ex has done what she's done because that's what she does!! It's no reflection on you. She'll more than likely continue jumping from one relationship to another. You treated her great, and deep-down I think she felt she didn't deserve you. If anything, had you treated her badly, she would still probably be with you!! You offered her love, and she couldn't accept it. She will not accept love until she loves herself.

 

She wasn't the one for you. And now you are free to find the one for you, who is capable of giving and accepting love in the wonderful way that you are. Maybe the penny will drop for her and she will learn to love herself and then realise what she lost in you. Maybe she'll come crawling back in a year. But does she really possess all the qualities you seek in your soulmate?

 

Sorry - I have a lot of thoughts about this stuff and I'm trying to keep it short...I hope something of this has made some sort of sense!

[Shattered Heart]

Wow! That has got to be the nicest, kindest, and truest post ever written about me. I'm particularly fond of the words you first used to describe me, as you've hit the nail on the head with each one of them. And I'm not just saying that to sound conceited, as I am probably the most modest person you'll ever meet. But when you're right, you're right. And I'm honored you think I'm a catch, because I know I am (again, not conceited, just the truth). And I can tell, from your one post alone, that you are also a catch. It would make for a very stimulating conversation.

 

Let me ask you something. How old are you? The reason I ask is because, first of all, all the adjectives you used to describe me apply to you as well (and then some), while second of all, you are extremely insightful and seem to have a firm grasp on reading people, as though you have this keen ability to not only judge a person's character, but to do it with pinpoint accuracy. Upon reading your post, I was so impressed, that I was thinking you could very well be the next Ann Landers.

 

And you say you have a scary level of low self-esteem? I highly doubt that, because if that were true, I wouldn't have been nearly as impressed by your post as I am. The fact that you were able to write all those uplifting words indicates that you indeed possess the inner qualities that make up and build your self-esteem. I seriously don't know why you would have low self-esteem, unless you do a lot of negative thinking.

 

And believe me, everyone on this site has or is now experiencing a major blow to their self-esteem as a result of a breakup. Trust me, as high of a self-esteem you think I may have, it sure has taken a nose-dive because of my ex rejecting me. However, I'd be very interested to hear what it is that gives you the impression that I have high self-esteem.

 

And don't you apologize for your thoughts. In fact, I'm kind of disappointed you did keep it short and didn't reveal or elaborate on all your thoughts and feelings, as I would love for you to continue your "column".