His Lack of Commitment

[InABadWay]

I'm here because my bf of 7 months would not commit. We were in an "exclusive" relationship but the relationship failed to have any kind of growth at all. He cooked for me, fixed things around my house and took me out for dinner on the weekend but he couldn't tell me he loved me and never mentioned anything about a future with me.

 

I asked him this week what he would do if I showed up his front door to move in with him one day. His response - don't do it because the door will be locked. I asked him about it last night and he said he thought I was joking but if I was serious then we had real problems because he's not that serious.

 

I know breaking up is the right thing to do but I feel awful about it. I'm trying to figure out how to avoid this type of man in the future. These type of nowhere relationships are emotionally draining. How do you avoid a man that will probably never commit?

[riobikini]

Oh, Jeezus!

 

Not only will they not commit to anything, -they will even do things which encourage you to be mislead!

 

I just came out of a relationship of approximately 6 mos. where the lovely bastard even began by telling me he was confident that he could make me happy and said he wanted a monogamous close relationship, and was even aware of what my ideas and goals were regarding a partnership.

 

But all throughout the relationship he gave only ambiguous signals which I (silly me) translated as, likely, the formation of love emotions.

 

They were not love emotions, at all.

 

They were 'like' emotions, 'lust' emotions, and 'happy-to-live-in-the-moment' emotions.

 

But anything but love.

 

I was silly enough to search for excuses for not getting the answers from him that I sought.

 

And I was quite generous, -teetering on the very edge of female stupidity.

 

Admittedly, even visiting there for a while.

 

I eventually grew a set of balls, (-yes, women can do that when they need to, by the way), and I regained my dignity and ended it.

 

I have daughters who had grown to like him very much.

 

I now deal with the guilt that I allowed him into the lives of all three of us.

 

My youngest daughter still writes him 'love notes' and draws pictures of all of us together, displays them on the fridge, and asks when he's coming by again.

 

And I despise him for getting to them more than getting to me.

 

He's happily going about his life now, after only a few short weeks, without having to deal with any of that.

 

It's so strange that people like him are still privy to being called 'human' when they can feel so little emotion about others.

 

His excuse was, that he simply did not know what he wanted.

 

(Oh, stop and let me cry and puke!)

 

I beg to differ, -I think he did know what he wanted: he wanted the comfort, the accessibility, and the convenience of a relationship without the responsibility of having to actually be a mature adult and he was willing to mislead, -and even lie- to get it.

 

Men who choose this route are selfish, cruel, and lack the balls to be called a man.

 

So, yes, -I understand some of what you may be feeling.

 

And, as for me, I will be much more aware, and do a better job in protecting my family, as well as myself.

 

And about having these balls: now I know where men get their attitude from!

 

Nice.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[Art_Critic]

I just came out of a relationship of approximately 6 mos. where the lovely bastard even began by telling me he was confident that he could make me happy and said he wanted a monogamous close relationship, and was even aware of what my ideas and goals were regarding a partnership.

 

 

Anger is good Rio.. Keep it up and don't let him close to you and your kids again..

 

Sorry for the hurt you feel

[luvtoto]

Oh, Jeezus!

 

Not only will they not commit to anything, -they will even do things which encourage you to be mislead!

 

I just came out of a relationship of approximately 6 mos. where the lovely bastard even began by telling me he was confident that he could make me happy and said he wanted a monogamous close relationship, and was even aware of what my ideas and goals were regarding a partnership.

 

But all throughout the relationship he gave only ambiguous signals which I (silly me) translated as, likely, the formation of love emotions.

 

They were not love emotions, at all.

 

They were 'like' emotions, 'lust' emotions, and 'happy-to-live-in-the-moment' emotions.

 

But anything but love.

 

I was silly enough to search for excuses for not getting the answers from him that I sought.

 

And I was quite generous, -teetering on the very edge of female stupidity.

 

Admittedly, even visiting there for a while.

 

I eventually grew a set of balls, (-yes, women can do that when they need to, by the way), and I regained my dignity and ended it.

 

I have daughters who had grown to like him very much.

 

I now deal with the guilt that I allowed him into the lives of all three of us.

 

My youngest daughter still writes him 'love notes' and draws pictures of all of us together, displays them on the fridge, and asks when he's coming by again.

 

And I despise him for getting to them more than getting to me.

 

He's happily going about his life now, after only a few short weeks, without having to deal with any of that.

 

It's so strange that people like him are still privy to being called 'human' when they can feel so little emotion about others.

 

His excuse was, that he simply did not know what he wanted.

 

(Oh, stop and let me cry and puke!)

 

I beg to differ, -I think he did know what he wanted: he wanted the comfort, the accessibility, and the convenience of a relationship without the responsibility of having to actually be a mature adult and he was willing to mislead, -and even lie- to get it.

 

Men who choose this route are selfish, cruel, and lack the balls to be called a man.

 

So, yes, -I understand some of what you may be feeling.

 

And, as for me, I will be much more aware, and do a better job in protecting my family, as well as myself.

 

And about having these balls: now I know where men get their attitude from!

 

Nice.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

 

Sorry to interrupt this post. I just wanted to say, Rio, that you really have a talent at phrasing your experiences. I *had* a guy in my life like that, too. I could never really get to the heart of the problem. I was beating myself up for booting him out of my life. But, I have a right to be upset. I am gonna save this and look at it everytime I start missing him. Thank you.

[riobikini]

Luvtoto,

 

You are very welcome...and if you need a good laugh to go along with it, see the post below:

 

" I was with a clingy guy for two stupid years. At the end of it, I felt emotionally drained cos he just took all of my energy and originality as a person and sucked me dry. I couldnt wear a skirt without talking him off a cliff. 'No I don't want anyone else, I just like skirts'

 

PLEASE! What a lame ass way to argue! No, I havent gotten back with them, but I spent 2 years with one and I can barely think about it now without cringeing. I need a real man, but one who actual shows emotion, but not too much. I want to feel like the girl!"

 

 

 

RE:

I couldnt wear a skirt without talking him off a cliff. 'No I don't want anyone else, I just like skirts'

 

OMG!!!

 

ROFLMAO!!!!

 

-and can't get UP!!!

 

Thank you for sharing that, -the laugh from the mental picture of it will carry me all through my day tomorrow!

 

Ooops! -now I'm peeing on myself!

 

-Rio

[InABadWay]

Ok, this is stupid. After 4 days of being apart he put his profile back on Match! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Are there any sane men left in this world? BAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[riobikini]

He's moved on...the Match.com profile is proof.

 

Besides, that, you should know that men, more than women, tend to do this SOONER for many reasons:

 

1) They didn't leave the site to begin with.

 

2) They miss the attention they get from being on the site, i.e. they're addicted to it, and feed their ego through it.

 

3) They are so dysfunctional and shallow that online dating is their only hope of getting a date, knowing that because of their behavior and who they truly are on the inside, it will only last a short while, anyway, before they have to 're-do'.

 

4) They are just looking for sex.

 

5) They are really looking for love.

 

***The last one is RARE***

 

-Rio

[lilmoma1973]

 

I'm sorry that he lead you to believe it would be more and there are some men out there that are like that!! This type of men will not commit and never will..He is what you call a player and run and do not look back.. That was very wrong for him to say it would be locked... From now on when you get in a relationship with someone, you should tell them what you are looking for ,and if he can't give that commitment to you ,then you will know in the beginning before you fall too hard!! Hang in there and if you need someone pm me anytime..

[luvtoto]

Ok, this is stupid. After 4 days of being apart he put his profile back on Match! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Are there any sane men left in this world? BAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Men like that will never find a woman that they will be happy with. Don't take it too bad. Ya dodged a bullet! It's not anything you did, I am sure.

[loony]

I was looking up on Amazon today and stumbled over this book which got pretty good reviews. It's about commitment phobic men.

 

Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart by Steven Carter, Julia Sokol

[j.carsey]

the original poster's description made it clear enough that her boyfriend did not intend to form a long term commitment (like moving in, common low marriage, etc.) So where is the confusion? he's TELLING you exactly what you need to know. So now it's up to you to decide what you want to do based on that. you are as equal a decision maker in the relationship as him, after all.

 

I'm kind of on the other side of this. I'm a guy in my early 20s who was dating a slightly older lady who was definitely looking for a longer term commitment. I told her that this is not what I am after and it lead to us firmly breaking up

 

So you asked, how can I avoid this type of man in the future? Well I'm that man, and if you ask me straight up I will tell you straight up. So the answer is: ask and you'll find out. Which is perfect because I guarantee you that asking and finding out is more effective than reading tarot cards or _wishing_ something to happen

[fooled]

he wanted the comfort, the accessibility, and the convenience of a relationship without the responsibility of having to actually be a mature adult and he was willing to mislead, -and even lie- to get it.

-Rio

 

It's nauseating that these people exist in staggering numbers - as proven by stories here at LS, including my own.

 

I'm sick of being angry. And hurt. And disappointed.

[luvtoto]

the original poster's description made it clear enough that her boyfriend did not intend to form a long term commitment (like moving in, common law marriage, etc.) So where is the confusion? he's TELLING you exactly what you need to know. So now it's up to you to decide what you want to do based on that. you are as equal a decision maker in the relationship as him, after all.

 

I'm kind of on the other side of this. I'm a guy in my early 20s who was dating a slightly older lady who was definitely looking for a longer term commitment. I told her that this is not what I am after and it lead to us firmly breaking up

 

So you asked, how can I avoid this type of man in the future? Well I'm that man, and if you ask me straight up I will tell you straight up. So the answer is: ask and you'll find out. Which is perfect because I guarantee you that asking and finding out is more effective than reading tarot cards or _wishing_ something to happen

 

But clearly she stated that they were in an exclusive relationship that was going nowhere. Why be in an " exclusive relationship" if you aren't looking for an "exclusive relationship"?

[BrotherD]

the original poster's description made it clear enough that her boyfriend did not intend to form a long term commitment (like moving in, common low marriage, etc.) So where is the confusion? he's TELLING you exactly what you need to know. So now it's up to you to decide what you want to do based on that. you are as equal a decision maker in the relationship as him, after all.

 

I'm kind of on the other side of this. I'm a guy in my early 20s who was dating a slightly older lady who was definitely looking for a longer term commitment. I told her that this is not what I am after and it lead to us firmly breaking up

 

So you asked, how can I avoid this type of man in the future? Well I'm that man, and if you ask me straight up I will tell you straight up. So the answer is: ask and you'll find out. Which is perfect because I guarantee you that asking and finding out is more effective than reading tarot cards or _wishing_ something to happen

 

I know, why don't you just go rent a whore and stop bothering people? If you're not into a LTR, you should'nt talk after sex, cuddle, or exchange numbers...That's dishonest as you aren't looking for anything else. So right there you're being deceptive!!!!

Or you could trawl the local bars and ONLY do one night stands. That way everybody will win. You'll get laid (which is what you really want) and everybody else will be spared you inconsideration thinly vieled as "honesty."

 

Your ambiquity and deception makes tarot reading RELIABLE in comparison!

 

I had an ex that was viscous and rude and when called to task on the nasty behaviour, the "honesty card" was dealt. I didn't buy it. Not then, not now.

 

If you keep going the way your headed, you'll be like Ennis Del Mar in "Brokeback Mountain.." All alone in a shack in the middle of nowhere wondering why there's no one around ( Except maybe whores, or bus stop skank...) Your post riled me. Please take this consructively. Thanks for posting as I really got a "ah hah!" moment reading your comments.

 

It's your ambiquity that's wierd here, not a fair damsel that wants a sweetheart!

 

And if your not that into her, bang her and never speak to her again!!!!

 

PS let's not pick at the "Brokeback" analogy as it is irrelevant which way anyone "swings" in this scenario. The issue is failing to commit (or even knowing what you want...) Utimately it will come home to roost which was brilliantly illustrated in the movie....