gdbye Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 First of all, a big THANK YOU to whoever reads all of this and puts in their opinions. ------------------- Some brief details: M 26 M 24 Never married Together 9 years One child together, a 2 year old boy. ------------------- About me: taker, neglectful, selfish, lazy "pot head", not romantic, unemployed (for the last 3 years) ------------------- About her: giver, caring, sweet, romantic, hard working, worries about others before herself. ------------------- Did we have a decent relationship? yes. Did we truly love each other, yes. Did we have a high conflict relationship, no. Did our friends and family think we would be together forever, yes. ------------------- We were together for almost 9 years. We broke up once about 3 years ago for a brief time. When I was going to move, she wanted me back and we got back together. When we got back together we went on vacation to Mexico, and along came our son. After our son was born things really started to go downhill between me and her. Towards the end of our relationship (when we were together). I told her I want to get my life back on track and change. I need to quit smoking weed, get a job, and get a car and go from there. I told her when I quit I will have serve mood flashes, be angry in general and mentally unstable, and don't take anything personally. I asked her to just give me some space and please go "tread lightly" and go easy on me while I'm going through this transition. I was a major pot head for about 6 years and smoked everyday, all day and all night. I didn't eat much, I felt like a piece of **** person and I was becoming more and more mentally unstable and I needed change and needed it fast. So after a few weeks of not smoking weed, I was having a hard time dealing with it. .. a step back.. before all of this I had "suspicion" that she was either seeing someone else or had feelings for someone else, and I confronted her on this, she said there was nothing going on with anyone. She just wasnt happy with me. So one night she came back at around 3:30/4am in the morning and I lost my mind. Something told me to lock her the doors so she couldn't get in when she did come home. I thought that was wrong and didn't do it. So when she came home, we got into a HUGE fight and I ended up slapping her a few times. This is not me and I have never hit her once during these nine years or even thought about it. I don't know what happened to me. I lost my mind that night and something evil took over inside of me. I told her to get out of the house and go sleep in the back yard for all I care, just don't be here. She said I have no where to go, I said I don't care. Here's a blanket, go sleep on the street. After I calmed down and realized what I just had done. I apologized and told her I will sleep on the couch and you can sleep in the room and we can talk about this tomorrow. She said ok. About 2 hours later (7:00 am), her close friends came over to get her. She had her suitcase packed and took our son. ----------------- Since all of this, I have been working at a major 500 fortune company. Haven't touched weed since. Bought a respectable car. and have been trying to do some self-improvement. - These are some big steps for me but I know I have a lot more work to do. ----------------- It's been about 7 to 8 months since we've broken up and have been separated. She started to see someone about 2 months after we broke up. It's now turned into a "serious" relationship with this OM. She doesn't live with him or anything but they are getting serious. I've tried to talk to her about us (me and her) previously but she said she doesn't want to and she doesn't love me anymore and she doesn't want to be a relationship with me again. She thinks I can't change and it's not savagable. She hasn't been willing to go to a marriage/couples counselor or anything. - Recently we've talked and I told her: "we were together for nine years and that wasn't a little fling, we had something special and I think it can be salvaged with work. We have a small child together who won't ever know what having a house with "mom and dad" is like. I think it's worth trying to fix and salvage at least for the sake of our son. If it doesn't work and you can't be happy, then it's best to be separated and go our own separate ways of the sake of our son, but it's not worth tossing it into the trash" She finally said she would go to a marriage counselor to see what she would do. If she will work on it or not, what path she should take. I since then have been calling counselors and talking with them. They've all said that she will need to make a decision on if she's going to stay with this OM or dump him and work on repairing the damage between her and I. I brought this up to her and she said "I'm telling you this as a friend, I've given you a small token and I think you should take it and schedule the counselor for us, I shouldn't even be going to a marriage counselor and talking to you about this because I'm cheating on my BF by doing this." I'm not really sure what she meant by that. I'm not sure if she means either shut up and schedule it or I just won't go, or shut up schedule and I'm thinking about working on it with you, but don't ask for anymore then you already are, "hence the breakup with current BF or not". I really feel like she doesn't want to let this OM go at all, but a apart of her does want to work on it for the sake of our son. She will be left with the what ifs, "what if it did work, and my son wont know the feeling of having a real family, maybe I should at least try". Then again what if it doesn't work and I also lose my OM. Anyways the way I see it, is I have made a lot of mistakes and I do see them now, especially being sober now. It helps me see the real me and the things I need to change about myself. As far as "not loving me" anymore, I think this can sometimes be restored with work on both parts. I've always had hope for us working on it and making it work, but since she's agreed to go to counseling, I've seemed to have lost hope for some reason. It doesn't make since but that's just how I feel. I think she will walk away from it and keep seeing this OM, as she has strong feelings for him. Also before this, maybe in 2000, when we were together, I had a feeling she "meet" someone else and confronted her on this. She said she did meet someone else and she has feelings for him. I told her you either do not contact him again - 100% or we're done. She said she wont contact him again, well when we split up, guess who the OM is? that's right.. HIM. by the way, we still do things like take our son places together and what not. We talk about "us" from time to time, and talk about other things, which these types of things still confuse me. Like today, I took our son to the park and sent her a text asking her if she wanted to join us at the park, she agreed and she meet us at the park and we had a good time. Where did she come from though? The OM's place, she said "opps I took john's(OM) keys and I need to drop them off on my way to work." she spent the night at OM's house last night. arg! it's all brutally painful and confusing. What do you guys think will happen? I know its hard to say, but reading my story, what do you think weighs heavier? I'm my opinion, when you have a small child together you should TRY to make things work with everything you got. I think she's being selfish. Am I wrong? and again, a big THANK YOU to whoever reads this all and puts in their opinions.
My_Other_I Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Oh that's a tough one. First of all, congratulations on your improvement. You have changed a lot about you and your lifestyle, and that's a hard thing to do. You should be proud of yourself. It seems to me like you have done pretty much everything possible to try to make it work. It's all up to her now. She needs to figure out what she wants. Keep asking her to go to councelling with you. You will need to give her time. I really don't know what else to tell you. I hope everything works out for the best! MOI
bluechocolate Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 "I'm telling you this as a friend, I've given you a small token and I think you should take it and schedule the counselor for us, I shouldn't even be going to a marriage counselor and talking to you about this because I'm cheating on my BF by doing this." I'm not really sure what she meant by that. She meant that she has little or no intention of getting back together. And as you've discovered, no reputable marriage counselor will see you two unless both parties are willing to make a genuine attempt at making it work. There isn't much point in trying to reconcile a relationship when one of the parties is seeing someone else & intends to continue doing so. As far as "not loving me" anymore, I think this can sometimes be restored with work on both parts. Key words there - both parts. I think she will walk away from it and keep seeing this OM, I think so too. She's pretty much told you that already. I think she's being selfish. Am I wrong? I don't really understand how she's being selfish. It sounds to me like she already left this relationship a while before you hit her. You may have been able to salvage things before that incident, but it doesn't look that way now. Sorry I don't have any good news for you.
Author gdbye Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 If she had no intention, why would she want to go to a marriage counselor with me? Every counselor I've talked to said she will need to make a decision before we try to reconcile. I wouldn't want to try and reconcile if is still with OM. It's all or nothing. I think she still does love me, but all she is seeing right now is all the negative things. Is she in love with me? no. Does she love me and care about me, yes. I think she's being selfish because this decision will affect our son for the rest his life. It's worth working on for at least that. Did she even give herself time to think about it or "heal", or to sort out her head? No she jumped into another R ASAP. She puts more effort into her new R then taking care of our son. I'm the one that watchs our son 5 days a week. When she does have him for the 1 or 2 days a week, she spends most of her time on the phone with the OM then spending quality time with out son. And yes it was over before it actually ended. The difference now is I'm making changes and I think it could be a new beginning. Maybe I'm just kidding myself though.
bluechocolate Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 If she had no intention, why would she want to go to a marriage counselor behind her OM's back with me? I don't know what's going on in her mind. I can only speculate that it is practically useless to enter relationship counseling if one of the parties is seeing someone else & continues to do so. She will be conflicted & unfocused & it just won't work. I think she's being selfish because this decision will affect our son for the rest his life. And so will staying in a loveless, adulterous relationship for the 'sake of the kids'. I think she still does love me, but all she is seeing right now is all the negative things. Then you're just going to have to keep working up the positive & hope that one day she comes around. In the meantime I would tell her once more that you want to work things out & then not mention it again. The decision is now in her hands. And yes it was over before it actually ended. The difference now is I'm making changes and I think it could be a new beginning. Even if it doesn't end up being a new beginning with her those changes will not have been for nothing. There are always other beginnings.
Author gdbye Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 thanks bluechocolate and I understand what you're saying. The reason she agreed to go to a marriage counselor is to help her make the decision and give her guidance on if she should try to reconcile for the sake of family or stay with OM. I think she's confused. If she decides to reconcile she will dump OM and continue going to counseling with me. If not then it's just over. and I do agree it's not best to stay in a loveless relationship. but I think love can somtimes be restored, imo. I don't want someone that doesn't love me back. But I do want a second chance to try and restore that. I would refuse to try and reconcile with her if she still agrees to see OM. It would be pointless and I have at least some self-respect.
bluechocolate Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 The reason she agreed to go to a marriage counselor is to help her make the decision and give her guidance is she should try to reconcile or stay with OM. In which case perhaps she should try having a couple of sessions on her own? I think she's confused. It certainly sounds that way and pressuring her is probably not going to help. If anything it will drive her away. The time you do spend together should be as happy & as stress free as you can make it.
tehphrank Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 I'd drop to my knees and pray. You can't do this on your own and God will show you the right path. Instead of talking to the marriage counselor I'd be talking with God. Only he can change hearts and open eyes. Good Luck Brother.
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