I need to get over her.It's getting dangerous.

[killthepain]

Well, like all of you I'm here because I got dumped. But I really need someone to help me. I'm not looking for pity, I'm looking for people to help me, I need it badly.

 

I met this girl when we were both 4 years old. We've know each other for about 16 years. And I'm only 20 at the moment. Well we did kind of lose contact with each other over the years until we met again when we were both 15. And it really really was love at first sight. I know there are more beautiful girls in existence, but not for me. Everything about her just captivated me. So we started talking again, but her friend had a crush on me and she didn't want to upset her. So she dated one of my best mates instead, but that didn't even last 2 weeks and all the time they were dating she we were calling each other etc. We spend hours and hours just talking, I've never met anyove quite like her. Anyways, I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

 

I always thought love was BS, till I met her. We started dating finally and after 1 month and 2 weeks, she dumps me.Gives me an excuse (cheap one) and next time I see her, she's with my BEST FRIEND. As if I wasn't depressed enough already by her dumping me. They last 2 years, and I stopped talking to both of them, but since she went to school with me, and they were still friends with my other friends, I had to see them everyday together. That nearly killed me.

 

After 2 years, they break up, and I obviously still loved her slowly starts talking to her. And the very second day of talking to her I made out with her. We kept seeing alot of each other, and talking for hours and hours everyday, she lives 5 minutes away from me. And we decided to go study abroad together.

 

But she was jealous of my ex GF, and we started having fights, eventually one went too far and we broke up. But kept talking, and made a deal not to date anyone else for a long period till we settle things. Not 2 weeks later she was dating some other hotshot. I felt like dying all over again. After having me in 2 years of severe depression, she just pulls me back in. So there I am in a foreign country, all alone, with no friends who've got time for me. I thought i would kill myself. And all that time we still talked to each other alot.And she would still cry with me on the phone, and her friends told me she still loves me.And I sought therapy for my depression and because I couldn't get over her.

 

Things led to another after 9 months, we were all back home for summer vacation, and we all went out and got the old gang back together. And it led to us kissing, and her crying because she cheated on her BF. She returned abroad 1 week before I did, and broke up with his BF. And we got back together kind of. I WAS THE HAPPIEST GUY ON EARTH, I WAS SHINING, EVERYONE NOTICED A CHANGE IN ME AGAIN, I STARTED WORKING OUT, REJOINED MY OLD BAND, WROTE NEW MUSIC AGAIN AFTER 1 WHOLE YEAR.Things were going great, she told me she was crazy about me, we were practically living together, we were almost married, she even proposed to me once in an odd kind of way. She left here monday to go back to school, and whined because she didn't want to leave my sight, because she couldn't live without me. And by tuesday, it was over.She dumped me again.

This time for her 1st boyfriend, a "thug", "playa" or whatever they call themselves, this guy abused her in the past, physically and mentally. Cheated on her with her best friends etc. But she's back for him.

 

Here I am, I threw this school year out the window, I'm back at the psychiatrist, my band is on hold again, I lost all my muscles again. And I'm in a foreign country. I have only few friends because of her and because we formed a little community in this country everyone pretty much knows about us. And as if all this wasn't bad enough, we met at a party a few months ago, she saw me dancing with another girl and SHE PUNCHED ME on the dance floor infront of all our friends (and now former friends). I am totally humiliated by that, and then she laughed at me with her new friends as she was ignoring my attempts to talk it out with her.

 

i'm really really depressed, but I still love her. It's been 5 years and I still can't even get her 2 minutes out of my mind. She is (was) the one. But she's changed, I lost my GF and my best friend in one single person. She was the person I've helped through thick and thin, loved her when she felt bad, when her parents divorced, when she was depressed. Gave her money when she was in trouble. And this is what I get for loving someone for 5 years. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME GET OVER HER.

 

(there are ofcourse lots of other things that happened, and i will post them if you feel it's necesarry)

[bluetuesday]

i could pull quotes out of your post and rip this woman apart. it would be easy to do.

 

let me see if i've got this right. she left you for your best friend, she got back with you briefly when they split up, she left you again, got back with you again (while cheating on her boyfriend), left the boyfriend, got back with you, and told you she couldn't live without you the day before dumping you. then she punched you while you were dancing with another girl and later stood laughing at you as you tried to talk to her.

 

sigh. i will assume the humiliation, the emotional and phyical abuse, the fact that she keeps leaving you for other people and that fact that she's a cheat have not been enough to help you get over her, so i'll get to the point.

 

SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU. it doesn't matter if you think she's the best thing ever to happen to you. that CAN'T be the case, because if she was as good as you've convinced yourself she is, she wouldn't have treated you like this. she wouldn't leave you repeatedly, she wouldn't lie to you. this girl is no good for you. you KNOW that, which is why you're here. good.

 

right. that's HER. let's talk about you. it's not this girl's fault that you've given up the band, not written any music and stopped going to the gym. it's your fault. all of those things are decisions YOU'VE taken.

 

who is in control here? are you going to let a girl who thinks so LITTLE of you that she will dump you repeatedly, affect you so much you lose the will to live?

 

STOP listening to what she says and start listening to what she DOES. what she says means f*** all. no-one with an ounce of kindness in them could tell someone they couldn't live without them and then dump them the following day.

 

and she is doing this because YOU LET HER. you are prepared to place your life so firmly in this undeserving girl's hands that SHE dictates when you're happy, SHE dictates how you do at school, SHE dictates where you live, who your friends are and how you feel.

 

getting over people is hard. even really vile people. they leave a gap and you need to fill it with other things. if you can, stop seeing her. get rid of anything you have that reminds you of her.

 

and re-read these words as often as you need to:

 

"i am a great guy and i deserve someone who knows that. all the unhappiness i have gone through has been because i have allowed someone else to make me feel horrible. but no-one has the power to make me feel ANYTHING i don't want to. my happiness is my own responsibility. i won't allow anyone who doesn't care about me or value me to lie to me, to treat me like dirt, to use me or to make me feel bad about myself ever again."

 

the very first thing you must do is stop saying you love her. saying you love her will convince you that you do. speak about her in the past tense, if at all. no contact is really hard, but it's the ONLY way to do it. trust me, if you are still in this position in two years because you have allowed this girl to continue to mistreat you, you will hate yourself for it.

 

do anything to fill the time. study, get a new hobby, become a fan of reality TV, read books, go to the cinema, write music about it. hey, i bet it'd be really good too. write it now while you feel it. anything to get those thoughts out of your head and down on paper so there's room for the new, brighter ones in your head.

 

it will take time, and it will suck for a while. but it's in your hands. you have a choice to make. let a girl who has treated you this badly continue to rule your life, or be a man and claim your life for your own.

 

there IS only one thing you can do when life sh*ts on you from a great height. learn to love yourself enough to step out of the way next time.

[bluechocolate]

I read & struggled with how to reply.

 

I couldn't put it any better than B/tuesday's eloquent response.

[killthepain]

Thanks for the reply,

 

Those were truely great and inspiring words. Now I would like to ask some more stuff.

 

This girl is still very good friends with friends of mine, she's also the cousin of one of my best friends. So 100% ignoring her is practically impossible, since her name comes up regularly in conversations, and she will show up to parties etc. And we're living abroad, so we're kind of a little community you could say and at parties that aren't even organised by friends, there's still a great chance I will run into her.

 

We've had some histroy with each other, and most of the happiest moments of my life were with her. (she got me backstage to meet my childhood heroes once).I'm eternally grateful for that, but still she has put me in the most painful moments in my life too. So you're absolutely right that I should forget her. But there are some things standing in my way. Here are some of them.

 

-about half the songs on my pc, remind me of her. And I'm stuck on those songs because I've always liked them, but now they also remind me of her everytime.

- How to fully get over her when she gets mentioned regularly around me.

- She owes me money (but I'd rather not ask for it, I wouldn't want to see her right now for all the money in the world.)

 

Besides that, I have a nice scar to remind me of her for life too.

[bluetuesday]

not being able to avoid her physically is something outside your control if, as you say, you live in a small community in a foreign country where everyone knows everyone.

 

what is INSIDE your control, is how you react when you have to see her, hear her name and meet people who know her.

 

heartbroken people fall into two categories. wallowers and everyone else.

 

wallowers keep the memory of the person they can't have alive. they listen to 'their songs', they wonder if the other person is missing them, they wonder how the other person is doing, they keep reinforcing the thought that this person was the best thing that ever happened to them and they think it's impossible to move on.

 

and it IS impossible while they do all these things.

 

your only option, if you truly don't want to be a wallower, is to force yourself not to be.

 

repeat until you believe it, that this girl - however gloriously nice she was to you in the past - has thought so little of you recently as to treat you in a way many people wouldn't treat a stranger.

 

she a liar. she's a cheat. she takes pleasure in seeing you humiliated. she only wants to be with you as a standby - when there's no-one she thinks is any better available. in other words, she thinks you're not good enough to be with.

 

now ask yourself why you'd spend even one day of your precious life wishing this girl was your girlfriend. you have already wasted years on a girl so undeserving of your love and so unable to recognise you for the great and caring guy you are that any additional day or week or month is a tragic waste of more time.

 

by all means, be heartbroken about it. lost love is hard to get through. i have been there. i know how this feels.

 

but like the scar you spoke about - that was a cut which has now healed. your heart will heal, and while it will always bear this girl's scar as a valuable tool to remind you how much more you deserve, there will come a time when you won't keep forcing the wound open by forcing yourself to remember her.

 

you'll have to fake it at first until it becomes second nature. but spending even half an hour a day not thinking about her is a great start. fill that time with something you have to concentrate all your efforts on. a book, a difficult crossword, physical exercise, meditation, re-decorating your room. what it is doesn't matter.

 

for the next month, only listen to the other 50 per cent of the songs on your PC. forget about the money, unless it's a lot and you desperately need it. assume you won't get it back and work from there. and if she's mentioned around you, walk away and go and do something less boring instead. if your friends know the score they should be more sensitive around you than to keep bringing her up.

 

if you must think of her, force any good thoughts away with bad ones about her. this won't be for ever. a time will come, and sooner than you think, when you're able to think impartially about her and the bitterness will pass.

 

the whole deal is this. she isn't the one and there is no other way to get over her than to force yourself to do it. same as forcing yourself to go to the gym until you get used to it. same as forcing yourself not to eat cakes when you're dieting until you get used to it. nothing worthwhile is easy. so be kind to yourself. don't waste another moment valuing yourself so little as to allow this girl to dictate the rest of your life.

 

you CAN overcome this, and you WILL. no-one pines away for ever for a person who f***ed them over. we all recover. and MUCH sooner if we start today.

[killthepain]

First of all tnx for the tips, they're great, if you have more keep'em coming pls.

 

Now I'm going to tell you what I did after all of this happened, things that may have made it worse.

 

After the party where she hit, than laughed at me I went home. But returned when I got a call from the girl who was dancing with me at the party, as I was looking for the girl outside I ran into my ex, but this time she was alone. She almost sh*t her pants. Apparently she was waiting on her ex to come pick her up. But he didn't arrive yet, so she was sitting outside alone with my brother's gf. So I slowly walked over to their direction, and she started cursing me, and threatening me, and yelling at me to back off, but there was nobody around to help her. She kept yelling until I stood right in front of her and then she got really quiet and bowed her head down to avoid eye contact. Of course I would never lay a finger on a woman, but at that moment I really thought about it. But I didn't even act agressive or show any anger, just walked real casual and cool. And asked my brother's gf a question, and walked off without even telling my ex a word.Now as I'm walking off, she starts yelling at me again. Which leads to me calling her "A jealous b*thc" as I walked out of sight.

 

As I went back home, I was enraged. Still couldn't believe what happened earlier infront of my friends, and my face had some scratches on it because she was wearing some gigantic rings on her fingers. So I go online, and told some people what just happened. Then I log in to one of those "Online Social Networks" you can share stories and pictures and add friends etc. Now this one was really famous in our community pretty much everyone has an account on this site(Network).And I see her profile among other friends. Now she loved her profile, has all the stories people wrote about her, she has countless amounts of pictures of herself etc. Now I obtain her password, and I log on her profile. I delete all her pictures.(I know that wasn't a big loss, because she has all those pics on her pc, I know cause i set most of them myself). But I don't mess with her stories or things people added her to etc. But in the column where you could write something about your self, I erased her favourite quote, and out of anger I wrote my feelings at that moment.

 

(that it was unnecesarry to punch me and make our problem public,that I was going to end the problem public now, that she should never ever again try to contact me, that I loved her and that moment still did but was going to change that, that she hurt me, and that I never want to hear from her again etc.)

 

Not once did I call her a slvt or anything like that, though sometimes I wish I did. I did it very respectfully.But one thing I did do was also add that I e-mailed the link to her "new" profile to EVERYBODY. Which in reality I did not do, and I set her profile on a way that she was the only one who was able to read everything I had to say. I only told her I mailed it to everybody so she could feel what it was like to be humiliated.And while I was doing it I felt sorry for her myself, but I was tired of getting walked on.

 

Well, it worked. Next thing I know people are telling me she was crying when she found out, and crying that I betrayed her trust (can you believe that??) and her privacy.So she deleted her account.(because she thought she was humiliated)

 

Now I haven't heard from her eversince, but she does tell people from time to time that she ****ing hates my guts, and would like to finish what she started etc. Now obviously you know my real feelings towards her, but I don't tell people that anymore. So they think I also hate her guts, which I don't, I don't think I love her anymore, but I can't seem to get her outta my head. But I don't want any grudges either, Just want her to disappear.

 

Now here's the real tricky part, just a moment ago a female friend of mine was chatting with me and decided to go take a look at my ex's profile. And then asked me why her profile is missing.It was no secret that I had something to do with it, I thought she knew, afterall it happened months ago. So I told her, and she made a whole deal out of it. Calling me dirt, telling me she'll never look at me the same way again and all that kind of stuff. And now refuses to talk to me.

 

I am not proud of what I did, I know it wasn't a good thing, I know it wasn't funny, I know I shouldn't have done that, I know it was immature, I know it was idiotic, I know people don't agree with my actions. But at that moment, I was so angry and blindsighted by rage that I wasn't thinking properly. It was either this or punch her back, and I would never hit a woman.

 

I only did what I did because I knew it would stop her, and It was the only way she would get to read what I had to say since she refused to read my emails,sms's, and answer my calls.

 

So now I'm even losing friends because of my actions, and the funny thing is these same people didn't give a damn when she broke up with me and humiliated me. Sometimes I think I would have been better off if I just punched her back.

 

P.S sorry for making you guys read so much...

[ddnnee]

so you still love her eh? that's too bad... until you can completely ignore her in your mind, then will you be able to not be in pain. just ignore her, let her cuss at you or whatever. remember she is a liar and cheater, so she is insignificant.

 

here's my story to enlighten you:

I have a huge crush on this girl in high school. let's call her S. S is really smart and pure minded/innocent, which is why i liked her. anyway, after highschool years, i started to chat up with her. Things went well and then started to invite her over to my house so that she could use my cable internet for her needs because she was on 56k. Then I took her out for drinks and stuff... but not to be a complete moron, I analyze the situation and found that she was just using me for the internet and free drinks. I found that she was already interested in one of my high school friends back then. I really love this girl, but I chose to end it by not talking to her at all and such. been about 2 years now and i still have feelings for her, but i don't chat or talk with her. How did I do it? I just keep myself busy with other things I enjoy other than focusing on girls. Hoping one day I find "THE ONE".

[Devildog]

So now I'm even losing friends because of my actions, and the funny thing is these same people didn't give a damn when she broke up with me and humiliated me.

 

Friends huh? It's kinda funny, but my friends are the ones who stand by my side when I am going through tough times. My friends would tell a girl like that she was a bitch for doing something like that and wouldn't talk to her and would only talk about her to bad mouth her.

 

See, there are 3 types of people that everyone lumps in as friends. First, there are acquaintances. People you have met and know their names. Classmates are usually in this category. Next are buddies, these are people you hang out with, go to parties with, drink with, etc. Finally, there are friends. These should be the people you know will have your back, that you can trust. People think that you should have lots of friends. In reality, we only have a handful of true friends.

 

The point is these people were not your friends.

[bluetuesday]

devildog is dead right. those people aren't your friends. i know that's not good news since they're the only people you've got where you are, but at least you should know you're not losing people who actually care that much about you.

 

right, the girl. yeah, she is eevol. but you're getting there in realising that, which is all good.

 

i don't think what you did was THAT bad. she deserved a taste of her own medicine. i like to think i'd take the higher ground and not get involved in something so childish, but who i am kidding? it's fun to see bad people suffer. hollywood makes a zillion dollars ever year out of this knowledge.

 

i'm currently going through a situation where i feel a lot of anger and resentment towards someone i think has treated me badly. i know it will pass, but right now, i'd like to see them at least say sorry. if not suffer horribly. i have to see this person every day (we work together) and it isn't easy.

 

what you said here...

 

So they think I also hate her guts, which I don't, I don't think I love her anymore, but I can't seem to get her outta my head. But I don't want any grudges either, Just want her to disappear.

 

...struck a chord with me.

 

you're right, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's ambivalence. you don't want her to come to harm, you just want her to go away. this is GOOD place to be in. you can convince youself you no longer care, while still letting them fill all your waking thoughts. once you genuinely don't care, you'll find you can't be bothered to keep remembering. keep going, you WILL get there.

 

realising you want her to disappear is, in my opinion, the biggest step you've made. you've had a bit of your own back, you've got to the point where you don't think you love her any more, but you KNOW where you want to be. that means it's close. just keep on marking off the days until another week and then another month has passed.

 

have you read fooled's posts? he's going through NC and even though he KNOWS his ex was a beeyach from hell and doesn't want her back, he still misses her. this is perfectly normal, and vital to the grieving process. you're not going to get over the hurt with a snap of your fingers. just be patient with youself and look after yourself. make contact with your old friends in your home country if it'd help and start planning what you'll do when you get back there.

 

everything you're going through is temporary. it will pass. you'll get home, you'll get back to your music and you'll find passions outside this girl to drive you on. wasted college years seem important now but in a few years, they won't be. you can always retake. if it's taught you something about the nature of yourself, if it's taught you what you want or don't want from a partner, it's not been a waste. remember that eduction can't always be measured by counting the college certificates you've earned.

 

i've seen thousands of posts on the shack. and rarely have i answered to this extent because rarely do i see someone smart enough to see clearly despite their hurt, and motivated enough to move forward despite how hard they know it will be.

 

this is very tough. but you're doing so well, you really are. being able to rationalise this as clearly as you are as soon as you are is a great sign. you know where you are and what you need to do. your current situation is sh*tty but if you can sit it out just a bit longer, you will heal.

 

and keep posting for as long as you need to.

 

here, you are among people who care.

[LN8840K]

Don't they say a friend will bail you out of jail

but a really good friend will be in jail with you going that was fun ?

 

something like that

[killthepain]

Let me give you a little update now on my feelings, I know it's too soon to make a real noticeable recovery, but I'll just say it anyways.

 

Yesterday there was a HUGE party organised by our community, it's probably the biggest or the 2nd biggest they throw each year. And there was a regular monthly get-together at another club, but this was just organised by the club so there would be pretty much only local people there.

 

I don't really like the music that they play at our community parties so I didn't really wanna go. I also didn't want to see my ex since I know she probably would have been there. So I choose to go to the club, with some friends I made since I got here. We had a blast! It was a real good time, and I wasn't even really thinking about my ex, though there were moments where she would just pop into my mind whenever I saw a girl who looks just a little bit like her. And for a few minutes I would feel really really down, till one of my buddies would come over and then I was forced to act as if everything was fine. But after awhile, I was having an awesome time again, but, again later I find myself thinking about her. And these friends, I noticed were real friends. They were mutual friends of mine and my ex, and one of them was always closer to her than he (also has the same origin as I do) was with me. And it was kind of bitter/sweet, because everytime I saw him , I was automatically reminded of her. But the guy was totally cool to me, he was actually alot more social to me than he ever was before.

 

Though my ex's name came up a few times, and I had to tell the guy as short as possible that "It was not my decision for the relationship to end, and I was always faithful and loving." He didn't say much, mainly because I think he himself noticed my ex starting to act weird. But we had a blast, now I'm cool with him again, and I had fun. Just wish she would just cease popping up in my mind.

 

And thanks for all the support guys, keep'em coming if you got them.