jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 Why would a guy say "I love you" and "Perhaps our paths will cross again" when he is dumping a woman? Why? Is it to make things even harder and more painful? Effing bastards.
riobikini Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 Dear Jen, Unfortunately, the 'effing bastards' think they are being kind. (Sigh) -Rio 1
hooghie Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 I agree they are trying to be 'nice.' I've told guys I've dumped 'I love you' for different reasons- some like my ex husband because I did love them just not 'in love' with them and others because I loved them, but I loved myself more and had to let go for my own sanity/health. I don't know your situation so I don't know why he said it. Try not to look too deeply into it- it probably means 'I have some feelings for you because I'm human but not enough to continue a relationship'
Asometry Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 Why would a guy say "I love you" and "Perhaps our paths will cross again" when he is dumping a woman? Why? Is it to make things even harder and more painful? Effing bastards. What were the circumtances of the breakup? Sounds like he's trying to leave it open-ended in case whatever caused the breakup is one day no longer an issue. That, or he's dealing with guilt by making a cheap and disingenuous gesture which he hopes will put you at peace with the breakup; "He still loves me so I have nothing to feel sad about."
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 22, 2006 Author Posted January 22, 2006 What were the circumtances of the breakup? Sounds like he's trying to leave it open-ended in case whatever caused the breakup is one day no longer an issue. That, or he's dealing with guilt by making a cheap and disingenuous gesture which he hopes will put you at peace with the breakup; "He still loves me so I have nothing to feel sad about." He said he's overwhelmed with life -- an overly demanding work schedule with travel, and a dad who's dying in the hospital -- and he has nothing to give to the relationship because he's drained, both by time contraints and being emotionally drained. Instead of running to the people who love him, he runs from them when life becomes unbearable. He has depression issues too. He said he knows that his not being able to be emotionally present in the relationship is hurtful and unfair to me, and he doesn't want to keep hurting me.
Asometry Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 He said he's overwhelmed with life -- an overly demanding work schedule with travel, and a dad who's dying in the hospital -- and he has nothing to give to the relationship because he's drained, both by time contraints and being emotionally drained. Instead of running to the people who love him, he runs from them when life becomes unbearable. He has depression issues too. He said he knows that his not being able to be emotionally present in the relationship is hurtful and unfair to me, and he doesn't want to keep hurting me. Ouch.. I've been on your end of it before, getting the "you're too good for me" speech. It's a selfish way to deflect blame for not putting the right kind of effort into a relationship and it makes you wonder what's so damn hard about taking comfort in the knowledge that you're cherished. Sorry... 1
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 Ouch.. I've been on your end of it before, getting the "you're too good for me" speech. It's a selfish way to deflect blame for not putting the right kind of effort into a relationship and it makes you wonder what's so damn hard about taking comfort in the knowledge that you're cherished. Sorry... Yeah, he even said, "You're a good woman." Translation: Good for someone else, but not me. God, this really effing hurts.
My_Other_I Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 They think they are making it easier on you. I guess if they thought twice about it, they would realize that stringing someone along and holding them in hope does not make things easier. Or - they have to have the last word
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 He even said, "You have to believe this really isn't about you...it's about me. I'm so overwhelmed and drained that I don't have anything to give a relationship right now." Isn't that basically saying the same thing as, "It's not you, it's me?" I guess I'm really struggling with the way he left things, and his reasons for leaving.
cygny Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 well if it's any comfort, jen jen, i have been in a place where my dad was dying and work pressures were on me, and it is really very draining. I didn't have anything to give to a relationship and just withdrew and hunkered down. I suppose if i had been in a solid and good relationship at the time, i would have leaned on my partner. but i was in a relationship that had deteriorated, and i simply could not take any other demands on me. Also i'm not sure but i think men often deal with death of a loved one in a more reserved way, going into their 'cave'. I'm not saying that he would get back with you if given the chance in the future, but i do not think you should take this breakup personally. anyway, iirc, he sounded like a not-so-great partner. so perhaps for the best.
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 He kept saying that he was being unfair to me. You see, one of the things that really hurt me was that he did withdraw emotionally....wouldn't talk about how the job pressures or his dad's health were affecting him...wouldn't lean on me, and it pained me that he wouldn't allow me to comfort him. It's hard when you love someone so much, and you can see how much pain they are in, and yet they push you away. I know some of that is the depression he's in, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier. He knew that his pushing me away was hurting me, but he said that it was the only way he knew how to deal with it. It's almost like he dumped be because he knew he was hurting me. I dunno....all I know is this realllllllly sucks and realllllly hurts.
cygny Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 yeah i know it hurts, but i can actually see his point of view, having been there myself. I don't think it's a cover story. I've seen other relationships dissipate at time of a loved one's death. especially where it's men, and especially if the relationship isn't committed and close. that is how they dealt with it. i don't know if you've ever watched a parent die or not, but there really isn't much in life that is more painful and makes a person feel both responsible and helpless to do anything.
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 I think emotional vulnerability scares the crap out of him. God forbid he should lose control and let someone see his pain and try to comfort him. Effing male pride.
BUTAFLY Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Oooohhhh the lines the lines. I'm particularly fond of I love you but not 'inlove with you'. I didn't think people really said that, when he said it to me I laughed, felt like i was trapped in a bad movie. OH and 'maybe we'll meet in another life.' (didn't like that one either) The "its not you, its me" I acutally found myself using that one. (guilty)
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 OH and 'maybe we'll meet in another life.' (didn't like that one either) Did you say, "Uh, I don't think so. Where you're going you'll be lucky if your skin doesn't boil."
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