Dont want to lose her....

[bgil66]

Hi everyone, Here because my girlfriend said she needed a break and some time. We were together for over 3 years and both in late thirties. During that time we had some great times fell in love and talked marriage, we also had very rough arguments. I have this trust issue and I questioned her alot on things which I regret, "who did you talk to" "why didn't you tell me you went out for lunch with a guy from work" and I would even make a stink about her long time guy friends. Also have a temper, these two things(jealousy and anger) wish I never had and am working on it.

 

We have been through many of the same conversations and patch things up and of course unfortunately would get comfortable again and screw up one more time, which she would tell me she is unhappy. Other problem was the financial topic, I have been through some employment losses in the past few years so she felt that I was unstable to the point of "how are you going to support me and children if you have trouble paying your own bills".- Currently did find a new better paid job. Another highly rated subject was moving on to the next level- ring and marriage. We both in the past and recently said we were the one for each other. I have told her even recently about a month ago where "I do not want to lose you so expect a ring in the very near future". Thought this would help ease her knowing it is coming but we again had another arguement and she took the break.

 

I love her very much and regret the way I was and since its been 2 days of NC I very much want to call. She is the type of saying "I called you last" so maybe she is waiting for me to call, dont know. Some of the issues she has is only that sometimes when I would be affectionate, for instance when she was at the sink doing dishes she would brush me off so I would hold off on cuddling etc for fear of being blown off again, wouldn't tell me whats on her mind I would have to pry it out of her, and talk sometimes in a mean tone . She also said she is unhappy with the way she looks and feels about herself. The more I think about the relationship the more at fault I am and am crushed and feel stupid.

 

The night of the break we were both emotional I told her I was sorry and would miss her very much, will worry about her, said I wanted to work it out together since we were the one for each other. Said I maybe got comfortable took her for granted. Never asked if it was really over so I am hoping it is not over. She said she loved me about 5 times, sorry, will worry too, hon just respect that I need this time for me- and I do respect the time she needs. I want to right now get money together and give her the ring now because I am afraid the time away will hurt my chances of getting her back. Am I wrong in thinking this way? Do I ask if it is over or something? I did read about NC but not sure if it is over.

 

Starting at the gym and going back to church tomorrow, also might have a pt job along with my ft job lined up.

[gfto]

Sorry to say it, but it's over for good. No point in asking her any further questions. Perhaps it was your temper and clinging that lowered her interest in you. But, it doesn't matter at this point. What matters is that she dropped the dreaded phrase on you...."I need a break." No matter how you spin it, when she drops that line on you, you're doomed. Simply cut off contact with her. Don't call her, and don't take calls from her. It will be difficult for a while, but before you know it, it will hurt a lot less.

[notmakingsense]

Normally, I'd agree with gfto, but I'm on the fence about this situation. It is more often true than not that "taking a break" is the same as a full break up -- except using a "let him down easy" tone. However, from personal experience, it can turn around.

 

I would give her a few weeks away from contact -- to let her miss you -- as well as to allow you to focus completely on what needs work on yourself and on the relationship. Then, ask to meet with her. If you are really serious about her, that's the time to ask her to marry you. But -- be warned -- she is more likely than not to say no, so you should be mentally prepared for that.

 

The No contact for the few weeks is very important -- you have to get past your trust issues. And -- if she does agree to meet with you, don't ask her what she's been up to. Trust issues, and other aspects of your past behavior -- if they happen again -- will kill the engagement.

[UT_longhorn]

i agree with the no contact thing for a few weeks. i sense some clinginess and trust issues which was a sore spot for my relationship.

 

focus on yourself. you will definately realize alot of things about your relationship that you did not see while in it.

 

if you approach her with a ring, there is no way she is going to say yes. to her it will look like a last ditch desperation maneuver (which it is). this is exactly what she doesnt need to see. she needs to see a strong you. make improvements in your life. become solid and independent. when she sees that there are changes occurring, she may start to give you some more credit.

 

you've got a rough few weeks ahead of you, but keep strong, and do it for yourself. then if she hasn't contacted by then, give her a ring. keep it topical. keep it friendly.

 

read. post. you will learn alot form this forum.

[bgil66]

Man its hard, I keep reliving that night and it was on the phone she said she didn't want to talk about it then but I said it's important tell me what your thinking. Maybe I should have gone over there to speak face to face, I dont know. Used to be there almost everyday playing with her dog(miss you buddy) and doing stuff for her condo, making dinner, getting take out,talking with her- maybe I should have been a better listener to..bummed.

 

Just went to mass at a Lutheran church which is what she is and wish we did that every sunday we talked about it alot, went to a Lutheran church because of her- and after that mass went to mass at roman catholic church- I am catholic, feel stronger going to mass today. I am going to go regularly now and work on the issues I have, they also have support groups and I feel this would be helpful for me cause I keep breaking down. I know she is going to be somewhere today and really would like to leave a message on her machine asking how she is and her dog and family and look forward to hearing from her. This break has caused me to feel extremely guilty and mad at myself for my actions in the past, I am glad this forum is here to get some input from nice people.

[notmakingsense]

I know you really want to talk to her now -- and it sounds like you are even getting out and about in a way that increases your chances of running in to her.

 

Please, for your own sake -- leave her alone -- completely alone -- for at least a few weeks.

 

If you have jealousy/trust issues, it will be important that she understands that you are ready to let go and not always try to control this situation. She now needs a chance to miss you completely.

[bgil66]

I know you really want to talk to her now -- and it sounds like you are even getting out and about in a way that increases your chances of running in to her.

 

Please, for your own sake -- leave her alone -- completely alone -- for at least a few weeks.

 

If you have jealousy/trust issues, it will be important that she understands that you are ready to let go and not always try to control this situation. She now needs a chance to miss you completely.

 

Thanks, so dont even leave her a message, and wait for her to make the next move? And I am about 40 minutes west of her and she doesnt even go to that church probably doesnt even know where it is. Sorry for the questions I just dont understand some of it.

[notmakingsense]

Right. She ALREADY KNOWS YOU WANT HER BACK... so there is absolutely no reason to leave her any more messages or try to contact her. She knows how to reach you if she wants to talk... SHE HAS TO START BELIEVING YOU ARE MOVING ON if there is going to be any chance that this will ever work out. If you contact her, leave her messages, or run in to her on the street, she'll immediately think that you are being desperate -- and this will work against you.

[bgil66]

Thanks so much, I love this place.

[bgil66]

Just need to keep posting, can someone try and explain some of the things that were said I am having a hard time analyzing things. Basically it is what was said to each other, breaking up was never mentioned. Done over the phone:

 

So here goes, She said she "needs time and a break just being honest with you- not that she never wants to see me again, dont want to be with anyone right now, we are always aggravated at each other and it shouldn't be like that, things haven't changed, I dont want to wait anymore to move on to the next step this is the biggest problem, i'm sorry, i love you (many times), will worry about me, i love you".

 

I said "cant we do this together-leave her alone(work on my issues), we both said we were the one for each other can we just work on it together I told her that the ring was coming in the very near future because i had a wakeup call a month ago, when someone says they want a break to me it seems its over(after I said this she said emotional please respect that I need this time for myself and I do respect it), will miss you dearly, sorry, its all my fault(she said we both have issues to deal with), want to be with you forever, will worry about you please call me if you need me, I love you, take care, hope you find what your looking for, love you, bye".

 

Now breaking up was never mentioned because I never asked if she was breaking up with me, I guess I would rather have someone tell me that it is over than saying I need a break. Some people have said taking a break means its over and some dont, hopefully its the later. For the people that were told that a break was needed did you go into the same deep conversation or was it quick? Just hope I didn't shoot myself in the foot for saying some of those things. What ya think...

[bgil66]

Got a text message from her today saying she misses me.

[gfto]

Just to be very clear. You two are broken up (even though the word "break up" was not used). To be more accurate, she dumped you. Game over. Time to move on to the next girl. Understand something.....when a woman dumps a guy, she will usually drop all these lines such as "I need a break," "we're at different places in our lives," etc. What she's really saying is that her romantic interest in you is gone. But, she'll still contact you from time to time. Why? Because she wants to hear you grovel only for her ego. In other words, she'll play with you like a cat plays with a mouse, until she finds your replacement....that's when she completely disappears on you. Your best bet is to simply cut off contact. Don't reply to that text message she sent to you. It means nothing.

[bgil66]

I already did reply with the same message, was actually shocked and an impulse thing we'll see what happens- until then I am hitting the gym, working hard- just keeping busy. Thanks.

[salmagundi]

In this situation you must never do anything on impulse. Especially phoning and emailing. Always wait a day or two, especially to respond to an email, unless you want to look bored, lonely, desperate and waiting on her.

[bgil66]

Received and email and also vm, she wants to see me and do something(lunch). I am feeling more hurt now than anything else thinking about the situation, she knew how I felt about her and did not even want to talk to me etc for the past week(break, space & time). Thinking about going to see if she has anything to say, I will not bring up the topic. What do you think?

[LN8840K]

I agree with Sal ...cool your jets and fight the impulses .... ( my impulse in this situation would be too set a meeting as soon as possible go buy flowers and a ring, and think up names for the children and then get my heart blown to pieces when she witnessed the clinginess the repeled her in the first place ) see you're not alone ....slow down, you're getting a chance

[bgil66]

thanks to all

[riobikini]

Dear bgil66,

 

I don't think it's 'over', but....

 

She does, however, have some very strong concerns about your ability to become financially stable enough to handle future responsibility of a family, and that's reasonable, -no one wants to begin a family with someone who doesnt have that topic well-covered.

 

And women will give the subject of financial stability great thought before moving to the 'next level', even if their hearts are on fire for you.

 

She's been in this relationship with you for some time looking for improvement in that area, but there is none.

 

That's not just a caution flag to her, it's a serious red flag.

 

Secondly, she is seeing all your cuddly affection as annoyances, partly due to the already-standing problem with your financial status.

 

Neither subject is related, -but they rub against each other like sandpaper.

 

The way she's seeing it is, if you are unable to grow up and keep a job, why should she encourage the affection?

 

It simply gets in the way of what she knows she may have to do: call an end to the relationship primarily because of your immaturity and/or inability to be a proper provider.

 

For many women, that's reason enough to end a relationship, even after all the time invested in the relationship, -and even if she has very deep feelings of love for you.

 

In addition to the annoyance of your affection, perhaps, being the hidden catalyst of her, sometimes, 'mean' approach to ending your attempts at giving the affection, -she may be simply annoyed that you picked a 'busy' time to display it.

 

She sounds like a 'no-nonsense' woman, in that, when she's busy, she's too damn busy for what she views as 'trivial' bothersome behavior.

 

Some women just do not see the 'need' for cuddly displays of affection outside the bedroom, either at all, -or especially during her 'busy' activities.

 

This should also be a red flag for you: if she isn't as 'into' displays of affection as you are, that may become a more and more important issue for you someday, should you both work out the differences, for now, and you choose to continue in the relationship.

 

Thirdly, she certainly has a problem with what she views as your 'clingy' behavior.

 

Because she is the 'no-nonsense' type, she may become so disgusted with that particular behavior that, at some point, she may choose to end the relationship based on that, alone.

 

Better start working on that NOW.

 

Whether this relationship progresses or not, you will likely keep encountering this same problem in every future relationship you choose to pursue.

 

Women simply do not like clingy men.

 

It makes you look weak and childish, -certainly something not desired by a woman who wants a strong, reliable mate for her future family.

 

Start finding out why you behave in such an insecure way.

 

You really need to work on this because it may also have something to do with why you have such difficulty keeping a job, -not to mention the effect it is probably having on other key areas of your life.

 

Insecurity can be cured.

 

It takes great determination and you will have to face certain information about yourself that will be rather unattractive and may even make you feel somewhat ashamed of your behavior.

 

And that's the point.

 

Facing those things puts you in touch with the real issues that are controlling the most important areas of your life right now and acts as an instigator to spur serious changes.

 

The facts may humble you, anger you, trouble you, and challenge you, -but it's all necessary, -and worth it to be able to build up your own self-esteem and be able to function in a healthy way, and live your life for the first time experiencing successes that you have never experienced before.

 

Take an introspective tour of your 'inner self' and see what you can come up with.

 

It will take some time.

 

The 'break' you are on with your gf is just the right opportunity for you to do this work on yourself.

 

Seize that opportunity.

 

You will be more than glad you did.

 

(Smile)

 

" There are three ways you can get to the top of a tree: sit on an acorn; make friends with a bird; climb it. "

- Unknown

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[bgil66]

Dear bgil66,

 

I don't think it's 'over', but....

 

 

 

The way she's seeing it is, if you are unable to grow up and keep a job, why should she encourage the affection?

]

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

 

Disagree on this, I could not help the companies failing in business. Then when I finally got my current job within a week she was asking the same question of when are we going to move on. Of course I wanted to move on but I asked her to be patient with me and we'll get there. The clingy & anger subject was something I was working on and still working on. Nobody is perfect she has issues also that I stated in previous posts. If she was in love with me she would not have needed this break.

[riobikini]

Dear bgil66,

 

Keep us posted periodically over the following weeks -or even months, as you feel the need to talk.

 

-Rio

[bgil66]

I will, thanks.

[bgil66]

hi, she called yesterday and I spoke to her. told me she was an aunt and the twins were 2lbs each and ok. she said she missed me, asked what I have been up to and I told her I'm good, work is busy. And then she asks is everything allright? the way I answered did not give a reason to have this asked, I was good upbeat. then moved onto other topics and she asks again the same question and says I seem stand off-ish. I said I'm fine, you needed the break I gave u the break- dont know what your thinking- I cant read your mind. Then she says I am just worried about my sister and the twins right now and thats all. Then says she'll give me updates about the twins sometime this week, which is fine. It's unbelievable. I think I was reasonable and concerned for her sister, asked how she was. Getting mixed signals big time and think I do need to have a meeting with her, as to what the fate of this relationship is. Or should I call her since she was the one who gave me the break work via phone.

[jerbear]

I have to agree with rio about it not being over over. I am in that situation right now where she initiated NC; I went along then she called the next day asking for help. Women... go figure. now we are on our third week.

 

I would have to say it is hard but this maybe a blessing in disguise as I see it. Use this time to "fix" your own problems, do a post-mortem analysis; gives a good reason to somewhat start from square one with her.

 

Good Luck.

[bgil66]

We are back together and we both are taking it slow, the no contact thing definately works:cool: