RZA-Man Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 UT, I sent my ex an e-mail after the meeting (the purpose of the meeting was for me to get stuff off my chest rather than any sort of attempt to reconcile). In the e-mail I spilled my guts and asked for another chance. She replied that she wasn’t interested. That e-mail was my “Hail Mary.” I knew it wouldn’t work so I wasn’t surprised by the outcome. Nevertheless it still hurt. I sent it the Thursday before New Year’s and she responded a few days later. The reason I sent the e-mail at that time was that I didn’t want to have any sort emotional baggage heading into 2006 (call me superstitious) and I wanted to start off the new year fresh. Anyway, I did feel pretty bad about not being given another chance and in a way I was back to square one. However, her reply removed any doubt in my mind. I have closure and know for a fact that it’s over. There is nothing I can do to change her mind and if she does come back it will happen on her own accord. It hurts a lot and sometimes I want to call her and try again, but the pain isn’t as powerful and the itch to call not as intense. At this point I’m focused on moving on. There are still times during the day where I feel sad, long for her touch and would do anything to hear her laugh, but those moments pass. I guess the best way to describe it is this: the longing is there but quite diminished. Now I’m filled with sadness rather than acute pain. I am now forced to deal with reality. She’s gone. I can pine away forever or move on. I’ve decided to move on. What I suggest is to go out as much as possible and meet people, especially girls. Last week I went out with some friends and one of my female friends knew a ton of really cute girls. It took my mind of the ex for a few seconds. That’s light years better than last month when all I could do was think of her. The important thing is to keep NC and keep busy. Do things to improve yourself. Work out, read books, take a class, whatever stimulates your mind and forces you to concentrate on something other than your ex. Don’t expect to feel a lot better right away. There’s no timeline for you to heal. Allow yourself to feel sad and lonely at times, but don’t indulge yourself! You have to be occupied with living life, not moping about the past. Little by little you’ll start to feel better. You’ll make it. Be strong!
Author UT_longhorn Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 Thanks RZA. Yea..I know there is no timeline for healing..its just that I had made it 3 weeks with NC, and Im blown back to day 1 it seems. I feel thought that the experience from the past will help me move on. I'm just sick of feeling depressed. I've been depressed for like a month now. Just when I was kind of coming out of the darkest of dark places...this has to happen. I feel so mad at myself. I feel so mad at her. Another uphill journey that was soooo difficult last time I have to face again. Although I do think it isn't AS bad this time. I was almost a nervous wreck last time...I think this time, its not as horrible. I'm able to maintain a sort of sanity this time. I will continue to move forward and improve. Not let myself wallow in self pity. I know that time and distance are the only things that will help me feel better and heal. I just keep posting on this site with all my free time. Try to get everything off my chest. Im sure my friends are tired of hearing my cr*p. I know that she and I were not meant to be. She and I are in different places in life, and she and I are not soulmates. I know that now. I know I need to move forward. There is no turning back because there is nothing behind me. So here I go again with my journey along this dark cave again. It's a cold lonely walk but I know its not worse than some of the walks others have had to walk. Wether its death, divorce, or great loss. My pain is pretty insignificant on the totem pole. Life and the world is full of pain...and mine is just a miniscule part of the great tide that swells. I am kind of lucky in a way. So I push on. walk on. torwards that tiny speck of light at the end of this tunnel. when one day i will be blinded by the light of day.
skeptik224 Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 UT - I'm so sorry that you didn't get the answers you were looking for. As crappy as this sounds, there is a lithgt at the end of the tunnel. (man, I hate cliche's) Anyway, in time, once you've healed and dealt with things, you will start to learn from what you've gone through. You'll be able to look back with happy memories but have enough information about yourself so you don't repeat the mistakes that were done. It takes 2 for a relationship to end...remember that. You did your best and tried to make it work. Take the time now to work on you....learn from this...grow from this...experience all the feelings and emotions that you are forced with. You have the closure you need to start sewing your broken heart back together. Some girl - once you're emotionally healthy - will benefit from this experience. It'll get easier...I promise. Whatever you need...we're all here for you...
Author UT_longhorn Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 thanks man. i know its a journey that im going to have to go through. it just sucks knowing where i've been that i have to travel that road again. im trying to stay positive. im very mad at her, which i dont know if it is healthy or not but ive been feeling so upset torwards her. i hate her for doing this to me. again. it was getting better too. just when it started to heal a little...this freakin happens. i guess i can't do much with the cards ive been dealt. the pain just started to move away from excruciating to bearable..and here i am back again to excruciating. i just want to sleep for months and wake up complete again. but i know without pain there is no growth. i must push on. god it hurts.
Author UT_longhorn Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 i hope those who read my posts learn form my mistake of trying to reconcile. i really thought she was giving me the green light. i think i even made myself believe that she was giving me the green light. its so easy to see a mirage in the desert and think there is really water there. someone else had posted this before and said that if the other person really wanted you back...there is NOTHING that would stop them. And you would KNOW for sure. If they're throwing tidbits or crumbs...thats nothing. They are giving you nothing. NO CONTACT!!!! Unless they come beating down your door and begging...NO CONTACT. DO NOT FALL FOR WHAT I DID. YOU WILL REGRET.
ddnnee Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 you've grown to a better person! good job. but she let you off easy... my xgf made it pretty clear that she didn't want to reconcile by kissing my bestfriend on the lips (tongue and all) right in front of me... no kidding. too bad the bastard (friend) moved away...
Author UT_longhorn Posted January 26, 2006 Author Posted January 26, 2006 ddnnee, thats just cruel and immature what your ex did to you. you are right, i am glad she didn't do something like that to me. that would have enraged me. and your best friend was foolish for even letting her.
CaliGuy Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 you've grown to a better person! good job. but she let you off easy... my xgf made it pretty clear that she didn't want to reconcile by kissing my bestfriend on the lips (tongue and all) right in front of me... no kidding. too bad the bastard (friend) moved away... That tells me right there she isn't mature enough to have a healthy relationship with anyone.
Author UT_longhorn Posted January 27, 2006 Author Posted January 27, 2006 i woke up this morning to a dream of her. i hate that cause it ruins my whole day. i was doing fine last night. went out with friends and hung out. then wake up to her face in my dreams. its really almost as bad as seeing her. i got so angry in the morning. i called her all the 4 letter words i could think of. on my drive to work i just yelled and screamed in my car. i hate her for hurting me so much and being so fine about it. i feel betrayed. she kicked me out from the warmth of her heart and into bitter cold of winter. and i hated her so much for that. i guess that whole anger bit has passed and now im just back to thinking about her. i just want to be at a point where im not thinking about her and what she's doing. caring about whats going on with her. is she thinking about me? etc.
fooled Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 We are close to being in the same place, UT. I was totally fine last night after posting. Went to bed with an unusual calm. Had dreams about her and woke up at 4:30 (like every morning since the breakup) - and now I'm missing her. I feel like I haven't made any steps at all - and I go to work feeling crappy!
Author UT_longhorn Posted January 27, 2006 Author Posted January 27, 2006 fooled... i've read your story and i think youre doing well my friend. youre almost at the 3 week mark man. thats good for you. at 3 weeks is when i slipped. and got pushed back to square one (which is not actually square on i realize now). i think you should reflect for a moment. even though you don't think you've made progress...think to the first week and how miserable and a total wreck you were. i bet you're a ton better than that now. i mean...i do feel pretty crappy still...but i know i am way better than my first week. what a horrible mess i was. and the sleeping issues/waking up early thing...yea..i feel you. it totally sucks. we're in this boat together man. keep up the strengh man.
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