Back to sqaure one. I F'd up

January 21, 2006

I saw her last night at the club I went to with friends. I was having a good time till she showed up. When she did my friends told me and my stupid ass went to go talk to her. The conversation was so awkward at first. I kept talking to her and went to the point to even asking her if we could work things out. She pretty much blanked me. She said theres was absolutely no chance. She made it pretty damn clear. There was not even an ounce of emotions or sympathy from her part.

My heart feels like it was hit by a 4 ton sledgehammer. I feel so retarded. I feel soooo hurt again. Why did I have to see her!!! Like all of you mentioned before...Im back at square one. I can't believe that happened and I can't believe Im so hurt again.

I guess one good thing that came from the incident is that I will no longer wonder. I will not hold on. I was holding on, but now, I clearly know its over. No wishing.

The pain is unbearable.

January 21, 2006

I guess one good thing that came from the incident is that I will no longer wonder. I will not hold on. I was holding on, but now, I clearly know its over. No wishing.

That is indeed a good thing. A very good thing. The encounter wasn't unproductive then. Yes it hurt like hell, but sometimes the best lessons in life are the ones that hurt us.

So many people go on torturing themselves for months, sometimes even years, thinking they'll have a second chance and in the meantime they become bitter shells of human beings who poison all possible future relationships.

There was not even an ounce of emotions or sympathy from her part.

People behave that way when they think they have to get a message across. Or perhaps she is really just an uncaring b!itch. Whatever - it doesn't matter. What's going on in her heart & mind is no longer your problem or priority.

I'm back at square one.

Not entirely. It's a process & a painful one at that. You probably have more bad moments to come but they get easier & easier & you get over them quicker. Honestly.

January 21, 2006

bluechoclate...thanks for your response man. you put some things into positive perspective. its just so hard right now. i can't think straight. i really do hope that since i am no longer waiting and know that there is nochance, that will help me let go faster.

January 21, 2006

I'm new to this forum, and I've been reading your posts UT. Actually, this post made me register to this forum.

You got closure. You know the truth. There's no more wondering. Now, you can move on. You'll see, it's different now. You can really begin healing. I'm not saying you won't suffer cause you will. But it's truly over and you can move on.

Bluebutterfly

January 21, 2006

Hey UT I know how you feel. I think we've all been there at some time or other.

The important thing is to not take the rejection personally. You got closure, of a sort, and that's a very positive thing for your healing. But also realise that in a way you forced her to do this. You knew she needed space and distance, and you pushed it anyway. That's why she was so cold, she felt she had to be.

Look at it this way: as much as you needed contact and assurance, she needed space and distance. I'm sure she still has warm feelings for you deep down, but you've got to develop stronger self-control to avoid this type of thing in the future, OK?

January 21, 2006

she called me.

she called to ask why i had to talk about that kind of stuff at the club? why i had to "make a scene". which i didn't. i told her, i needed to get complete closure, and that she made it perfectly clear yesterday what she wanted and that i got my closure. that now i can move on completely.

she asked why hadnt i called for the past few weeks. i said why do you think? im just trying to get over you. i told her it was incredibly hard the first week, but now its getting easier.

she then goes on to say...you think it was easy for me? she tells me shes been staying home and not going out. she says if you had called earlier we could have worked things out. she said that i should have called and because of my pride i didnt call. i told her i wasnt calling her because she ripped my heart open and i was trying to get over her.

we basically broke up because i got incredibly upset on new years eve night and yelled at her and basically went ballistic on her. she said, why didn't you call to apologize. we could have worked things out. i kept telling her that i was hurt, but im much better and now i can really move on.

BUT...even before that incident, she told me that she was being suffocated and wanted a break (mostly due to my trust issues). i think the incident was just the perfect excuse for her to break it off.

why did she call me? what is she trying to tell me? is she just trying to keep my hopes up and string me along? or is she trying trying to tell me she wants to reconcile?

January 21, 2006

whoa ut--

have you posted the background to your relationship somewhere? what happened new year's?

you've obviously hit a sore spot with her. she has feelings for you.

January 21, 2006

Ut, this girl sounds like shes on the fence still .The could have worked it out , would indicate its either that or shes stringing you along.

January 21, 2006

well new years eve was a complete mess. she basically didnt spend any time with me in the club we were at. i got pissed cause even during the countdown she wasnt even with me. albiet, i dont think i even knew when the countdown was because there was almost no fanfare at the place at midnight.

i was so drunk. i yelled at her. alot. i walked away from her. in the car i beat on the steering wheel. she told me i grabbeb her arm pretty hard and she told me that it scared her.

when we got back home, while she drove away i chased her on foot. i drove to her friends place where she was to apologize.

i basically made the biggest ass out of myself ever.

the next day ... she broke it off. i was crushed. then went into NC.

on our phone conversation today she was like..do u know why we broke up? i was like yea..because i saw this coming. you were oung and wanted freedom and i am in a different stage in my life. i said i knew this was coming.

she said no, do you not remember new years eve?

January 21, 2006

I guess one good thing that came from the incident is that I will no longer wonder. I will not hold on. I was holding on, but now, I clearly know its over. No wishing.

That is indeed a good thing. A very good thing. The encounter wasn't unproductive then. Yes it hurt like hell, but sometimes the best lessons in life are the ones that hurt us.

BC nailed it. Yes, it's gonna hurt for a while, UT, but now you know, beyond doubt, that you're doing the right thing.

January 21, 2006

well new years eve was a complete mess. she basically didnt spend any time with me in the club we were at. i got pissed cause even during the countdown she wasnt even with me. albiet, i dont think i even knew when the countdown was because there was almost no fanfare at the place at midnight.

i was so drunk. i yelled at her. alot. i walked away from her. in the car i beat on the steering wheel. she told me i grabbeb her arm pretty hard and she told me that it scared her.

when we got back home, while she drove away i chased her on foot. i drove to her friends place where she was to apologize.

i basically made the biggest ass out of myself ever.

the next day ... she broke it off. i was crushed. then went into NC.

on our phone conversation today she was like..do u know why we broke up? i was like yea..because i saw this coming. you were oung and wanted freedom and i am in a different stage in my life. i said i knew this was coming.

she said no, do you not remember new years eve?

sounds like your insecurities have been getting the better of you, dude. and pushing her away.

you've got to take responsibility for that (I think you already know that).

January 21, 2006

UT,

Please read the ENTIRE THREAD link given below, -you need it!

-Rio

Here's the link:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t79259/

January 21, 2006

it sounds to me like you both need to sit down and do some open, honest straight talking.

she is angry and hurt about new year's eve. she basically spelled it out to you that she thinks that you were totally in the wrong during New year's eve and should be making it up to her BIG TIME.

It's up to you. But I suggest, if you want to save the relationship, you have to sort the mess out and TALK to her.

She disagreed with your theory on why you broke up. She pointedly referred to New Year's Eve as to the reason. She was upset and you scared her, then you stopped calling her. What's a girl to think, huh?

January 21, 2006

UT:

I've read almost all of your posts. Now that you disclosed further details about what happened between you and your ex on New Years Eve, it has shed some new light with regards to your situation. I think you have reflected upon what has happened and you feel badly for it. The key thing is that you got drunk and you don't remember all the details. She does. And, your actions deeply affected her. What prompted you to get so drunk? And do you think that this is acceptable behavior? Why did she distance herself from you that evening? Were you already drunk at that point? Or, did you start drinking heavily after she distanced herself from you? Do you typically drink heavily when you are around her? Reflect upon that. Perhaps when you answer these questions, this will shed some more light with regards to your situation.

It sounds like she has had issues with you in the past and this one particular incident was the final breaking point for her. Have the two of you ever had heart to heart discussions about your relationship? When you have broken up before in the past did you resolve any of your problems? From what I sense, this hasn't happened. First of all, you mentioned that she has broken up with you several times. Why? It seems like there has been an immense lack of communication from both ends. And, the reason why I've come to this conclusion is because you wouldn't have been so blown away about this break up. You expected her to come back and this time she hasn't. You mentioned in the past, when you would break up she would come back to you. Perhaps in your mind you felt that since she came back, the problem was solved and you didn't have to worry about resolving anything. And the cycle would repeat itself over and over again.

You mentioned that you told her that you saw this break up coming. She told you that wasn't the case. She mentioned for you to remember the New Years Eve incident. Now, put yourself in her shoes. Reverse the roles right now. How would you like it if your boyfriend got extremely drunk and went ballistic on you in public? He grabbed your arm and you didn't know what was going to happen. You potentially thought that he was going to harm you. This would make you extremely frightened. It would make you want to run away. It would make you want to distance yourself as far away from that person as you possibly can. And you did--you went to your girlfriend’s house to get away from this drunk person. However, he has followed you. Now you are even more scared than ever before. What is he going to do? Is he going to hurt me? Man, this guy is acting crazy.

You probably didn't realize the extent your of your actions and how that deeply impacted her. You probably don't remember since you were drunk. This was all a blur. When she broke up with you the next day, you probably thought in the back of your mind that you got into a fight, she broke up with you again and she will come back regardless of what happened--this is the normal pattern.

I think you should of apologized to her, but you didn't. She probably thinks that you don't respect her, don't care about her and don't care about her feelings. Most importantly, when you spoke with her, she asked you why you didn't call her. You mentioned that you were trying to get over her. You didn't even mention the New Years incident right away. From your response, she's probably thinking, "He doesn't even remember how he acted and what he did to me." You mentioned that she told you that it wasn't easy for her to break up with you and she isn't even going out with her friends. You mentioned that she said if you would of called and apologized that you could of worked out your issues. From what I sense, she is hurting badly right now.

I think the only reason why she called you, is because she does feel bad about breaking up with you, she misses you, however, she needed to tell you why she broke it off. She feels that you didn't comprehend what you did to her on New Years, since you never mentioned it in the first place. And, it was to bring closure to your situation. However, I don't sense that it is completely over. It was a good sign that she did call you after seeing you. But, I could be completely wrong. Don't give your hopes up.

In the meantime, give her space and give yourself some space. Both of you are emotionally charged right now and I don't think that you are in the right frame of mind to talk about things. In addition, you mentioned that she felt pressured and suffocated. Maybe for the time being you can shoot her over an email saying, "I'm sorry about what happened on New Years Eve. I acted horribly and I deeply regret my actions. After reflecting upon what has happened, I now understand why you broke up with me. If by any chance, you would like to talk about things, I'm up for that, however, I think we should wait a few weeks for things to settle down. Otherwise, if you truly want to end things, I will respect your decision and move on."

Hang in there UT. Keep us posted on what happens.

January 21, 2006

B-I-N-G-O

exactly what Nikita said...spot on

January 21, 2006

Ask yourself, forget about everything.

Do you want to be with someone who did not even spent couple minutes with u on the new years eve?

You both made mistakes but it sounds like over already, sorry to say that. You can move on, especially after seeing that she is still into you after everything

January 21, 2006

she called again. left a message. she says sorry about the phone call this morning. she said on her message that she wants to have a relationship with me in the future but its just too soon. and thats what she said.

then she calls me again this time i pick up. she says hey..did u get my message. i said yea. then she makes small talk. then she says what are you doing today? i tell her work and hang out with friends. she says its good that im going out with friends and hanging out. i guess shes been hearing that im going out with friends and hanging out alot lately. then she goes on to say, if you want to talk, you can call me. i said thanks. then she says it was good seeing you last night. and she said i didnt mean it the way i said it yesterday. (last night when i asked her about if there was any chance to working things out. she flat out blunted me with no's.) she said she didnt know how to react because the situation was uncomfortable. i said ok. and i guess that was pretty much the conversation.

I am not making any effort to call her. I understand that she may be confused. I can't blame her for being confused. but now its making my feelings all jumbled.

What is she thinking? I know none of you can completely say. Even before our fight she was saying that she felt suffocated. So I know the fight cant be the only reason that she broke up. I feel like it could have just been the icing. But whats she trying to tell me? nothing? am i reading something into nothing?

January 21, 2006

Trone:

I think UT needs to answer why she didn't spend any time with him on New Years Eve. You can't assume that she is at fault because she didn't spend time with him. We don't know why she did this. Until we do, then we can assess whether or not UT is somewhat justified in getting upset.

January 21, 2006

bottom line - do you want to be with her?

it does sound like the two of you had problems leading up to New Year's Eve and that it all blew up in a drunken mess that night.

it sounds like she misses you, but wants you to go the extra mile to fix things.

the impression you are giving her is - no, you do not want to work at saving the relationship.

do you know the answer?

January 22, 2006

UT--the impression i get (and mind you this is based on my own limited experience) is that she cares about you, and is attached to you somewhat, but basically you need to develop more independence and self-confidence and self-control for her to want to be with you again. Basically, be stronger and in control, rather than controlling. She really is confused right now. Just as you are.

Have you tried therapy? It can really help with these kind of issues.

January 22, 2006

i really am not sure why she didnt spend that much time with me on new years eve. when we usually go out to places with friends we usually spend time with our respective friends (as we do not share a common group of friends). its not something that i thought was unnatural as this has been the way it was since our inception.

bottom line - do you want to be with her?

thats the money question. i still need to process that.

I think all of you have very valid points. I love this place.

Have you tried therapy? It can really help with these kind of issues.

no i never have because i never knew it to be an issue with me. but now reflecting...it may be one. i may not do any therapy just yet, but i think i definately will do some reading on it and some soul searching.

January 22, 2006

You mentioned that you have some trust issues. Not only that, but...I'm just going to say this...

You sound a little abusive.

Now, don't get all defensive and start shutting me out. Do you think you have some anger and jealousy issues, because that can be suffocating.

If I'm wrong on this, I promise you, I'll apologize. But if you think you might have some problems with being a little too possessive and a little too angry, then maybe this is something you can consider working on. It might help heal your relationship.

Bluebutterfly

January 22, 2006

butterfly...no need to tiptoe around it. i appreciate your concern.s

i have never physically abused any woman that i have been with. i think the closest thing to physically hurting my ex was to grab her arm with probably a stronger than normal grip which in turn to her in that situation where im angered, could be viewed as scary.

i think my jealousy is pretty controlled. i don't have any issues with her talking to her guy friends and such. but i do know i have a little bit of a trust issue.

as for anger, i have in our relationship yelled at her 2 times. once that new years...and once in the past. both involved alchohol, and i think i do need to watch my emotions when drunk.

i think the major issues were with my trust issues and the fact that she felt that i smothered her with too much me. she needed to miss me. all i wanted to do was spend time with her. i think i lost my independence and became dependent on her. i think that was the major underlying issues.

January 22, 2006

LN8840k <------ instant azzhole just add alcohol

maybe you should quit boozing

January 22, 2006

its been 3 weeks since the breakup. she didnt call once. i apologized profusely during the breakup. she didn't even want to hear it.

so was she waiting for me to call her because i messed up big time and she was too proud to call me? but why would i call her when she broke up with me?

is she just confused. im so confused now. if she really wanted to get back with me wouldn't she have called?

for her to tell me you can call me whenever, and if you called earlier we could have worked things out. is that her way of telling me she wants me to make the effort to win her back?

i feel like im getting mind f*cked

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