densha Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 I have been racking my mind over what to do about someone I truly care about. Part of me wants to continue grasping on to every fleeting bit of hope that remains that something good might happen... while the other part of me wants to just tell her off for that decisive bit of closure, as I feel like that is the only way I could ever hope to forget about her. I guess I should give a truncated account of events leading up to this momentous occasion in my life, and in keeping with my handle, I'll refer to her as Hermes. I first "met" Hermes online through a friend's web page about 3 years ago. I'm not really one to hook up with girls online, and I wasn't intending on pursuing anything with anyone at that point in time because of other things going on in my life, so we ended up just talking and becoming friends. Hermes was also in a relationship at the time, so we both approached our online conversations with no intentions of having anything develop out of them. Oh yah, and she was also from the other side of the country, and we all know how long distance relationships tend to end up... But, after a couple months, things started happening. There was a spark, and that ignited feelings in both of us for each other. She even went on to end her relationship with her bf at the time (and she later cited that I was the reason she broke things off with him... because she saw in me what she really wanted in a bf), and I started realizing that I could see myself falling for her. We usually chatted online for hours every day, during work, and then late into the night. We'd also talk on the phone every so often, and eventually, having her as an integral part of the day became routine for me. As time passed, we grew closer and closer and learned more about each other, reinforcing our feelings for one another. We shared intimate details that, quite honestly, neither of us had ever spoken about to any previous bf or gf. She even mentioned several times that I was the guy she could totally see herself marrying...which used to sort of frighten me at first, but then I learned to appreciate and welcome how much it meant that she cared about me and really liked me, too. For one Valentine's Day, Hermes spent hours learning how to bake cookies, and made me a couple dozen sugar cookies with romatic frosting messages on them. When I received that package, I was overwhelmed with the greatest sense of joy; here was one of the most amazing gifts I had ever received. The thought and effort that went into those home-made treats just blew me away. And there was a period of time when I was out of the country on vacation, and for the whole week+, she kept a secret, daily online journal/blog just talking about, well, stuff we'd usually talk about when I was around, with the requisite "I miss you" messages strewn throughout. It was such an amazing welcome back for me to get to read that journal when I returned. It was sort of then that I realized that I truly had fallen for someone so amazingly special. She basically had shown me things I never even knew I wanted in a girl.. things I didn't know were possible or existed... yet here they were, wrapped up in a beautiful package 3000 miles away. And on top of that, she actually had feelings for me! That was the clincher right there. I honestly thought I was in heaven, and my life really was starting to pick up with her in it. Of course we had always talked about visiting each other, but we were never sure of when or how. She had plans to come to my coast a few times, but things always came up that prevented her from making it out here, and unfortunately, the same would happen on my end. It was frustrating to say the least, but things were still cool between us on the "virtual" level, so I was patient...barely! But then... something happened. Hermes' work and school and home life started overwhelming her, and she became very distant, very fast. Daily conversations turned into maybe weekly one- or two-liners. I was really confused and upset at first, and I know I can be very dense, so it took me a little while to realize that she was being anti-social with not just me, but even her real-life, local friends. Whenever we'd get a chance to sort of talk for a bit, things would start off cool, but inevitably end up sour as I whine about her seemingly neglecting me (I mean, I felt like things went from everything to nothing), and then she'd get upset, thinking that I was being too selfish and needy, as she hadn't even seen or talked to her local friends, or sometimes even her family, in forever also. And it would all basically turn into a big mess; the more I tried to champion my cause to steal more of her time for myself again, the more upset she'd get at my "not understanding" what she was going through. And so we curbed our talking quite a bit. Actually, a lot. I basically went from knowing everything she did every day, to not knowing what she'd been up to for weeks. Somewhere along the line though, I did find out that a co-worker of hers (whom she had mentioned to me a while before, and I just KNEW he was trying to hook up with her, but she never believed me) was getting mighty close to her, and then she also started talking to her ex again. I don't think she had any intention of having a relationship with either of them, but I'm sure she also enjoyed the male companionship of having them around, all the while I was stuck over here, shrugging my shoulders, wondering what happened. So I took a big risk: a couple months ago, I decided to fly over to see Hermes and surprise her. I'm not one for spontaneity or impulsiveness, so this was a major move for me. And, inspired by all those movies we see, I was hoping that something good would come out of my visit. Unfortunately I chose a really bad time, as she was bogged with work, and she was trying to figure out ways to stop talking to those two guys who were very actively also pursuing her. My arrival only managed to stress her out even more. But when I left, even though things didn't happen exactly as I had hoped, things weren't too bad. It seemed like she actually wanted to slowly get things back to the way they used to be, and that was all I could truly ask for. Well, fast forward to now, a couple months later, and things sort of have reverted back to the way they were before my visit. It actually feels a bit worse because I honestly was led to believe that things would change. And then there's the matter of the one major thing that's been eating at me these past few days: along with some xmas presents I got her was a very long letter I wrote to her, detailing a lot of my feelings (since I realized I never straight out told her that I loved her before). And apparently, as of last weekend, she still hasn't finished reading through it. Yes, I know she's super busy, but I also know she has time to go out with friends again, but I wonder if she even realizes that. I just know that every time I mention anything about "time for me," she'll resort to using her lack of time as an excuse... she'll just say, "well, I haven't seen ____ or ____ at all either" or "well, I didn't even talk to ____ or ____ over xmas vacation at all." It just seems like she says these things, making it seem like her time is comprised of just work, school, errands, etc., but I don't know if that's REALLY the way it is. I do know that she IS still talking and hanging out with her ex, and the other guy, and it seems like she continues to talk to people she says she doesn't want to talk to anymore, yet she doesn't talk to people she says she doesn't want to lose touch with. Weird... And now, a week after we last sort of talked, and after I last asked if she had a chance to read the letter yet, I have a sinking suspicion that she probably hasn't touched it at all since then, despite my reminding her every few days how important it is to me that she finish it. These past few days I've just been debating whether to just call her, ask her if she read the letter (and pretty much knowing the answer would be no), and using the letter as an excuse to just go off on her, relaying some of the more negative, and frankly, meaner, feelings I've been having about her. Or, maybe the thing to do is to just try my hardest to hold back on talking to her. Maybe blowing up at her will just continue to drive her further away, which is something I really don't want to happen. Every time we DO get to talk, and when it's a good talk that doesn't culminate in things turning into doo doo, it seems like things will ultimately be alright. So it's hard to use the old "quit now, it's all over" routine to try and get over things. Wow, I am majorly confused. I'm just glad I got a chance to write all this down somewhere.. it does help sort some of the thoughts and emotions out. I'm not expecting anyone to have made it this far, but regardless, it was a good excercise to put all these thoughts into words. I guess I'll see what I feel like doing when I try to call her again tomorrow to... "talk."
Bill-RiZeR Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 This is quite a predicament you got there. Basically at first your love life was awesome, and apparently it forced yourself to become attached to her...then later on things are going faulty and it's eating you form the inside...funny, my situation is somewhat similar to that (read my Understanding the Lass Thread), but in a more distant way. I've noticed that women are very unusual creatures, literally. It's like one minute they make you the happiest man of your life, then the next three minutes you're in hell. Kinda like what alcohol does to ya... I mean heck, Samantha and I were decent friends and promised to spend time with each other but apparently I've felt ditched when she went to her friend and started talking to her until she went to class...hell Sam walked with her to class THEN came back to me to spend time...I said in a weird not-so-pissy tone "So, enjoyed ditching me?" and she was like "No, she was a friend of mine that I was suppose to talk to cuz we were gonna hang out tonight and I don't know what time, and all I wanted to do is say hi to her and apparently she told me to have a seat." Yea...and I bet she also told her to follow you to class... I dunno...women are weird that way I guess...after all they're much more comfortable hanging around with the same gender rather than the opposite...wonder why... But anyways, enough about my stuff, as for your situation, and similar to mine...I've realized that women have a lot of things in their mind and it could be the fact that their priorities have been mingled to a point where talking to you would be low. I think the best thing to do is give it some time and it'll be all better. After all, how long does school last anyway? And besides, if she does keep on doing this, then give her a taste of your own medicine to make her realize what she's doing, that'll teach her something. And now that I took the time to see your situation, plz read my Understand the Lass thread. And do take note that what I call "ditching" and the event in the post was all in the same day...
Weye Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 I just don't think its a good idea to focus all of you attention on a girl who is living 3000 miles away, who your relationship has been almost entirely of a virtual nature with, and with whom you do not have any timeframe for ending up living in the same place with. The chances of a relationship like this working out a very very slim. I think the best thing to do would be to move past this phase in your life.
Recommended Posts