Should I stay or should I leave

[PrettyCrissy]

I don't know what to do, my fiance and I broke up about a month ago and I still can't get over it. Here's the story, I bumped into my ex (my first love and also had an affair with him about 3 years ago), he told me how he still loved me and thought of me. He gave me his number and I asked me to call him because he wanted to work with me in the studio (he produces music and I sing). Anyway I told my fiance about the situation and his reaction was very non chalant like whatever and that honestly bothered me. I told him that I was not going to call him and I went back on my word and called, not because I was trying to get at him because honestly I am not feeling him like that but because I wanted to see how everything was going with him. He did stop by my house to give me a CD and I did talk to him in his car and that is all that happened. No kiss, no hugs nothing. It was all innocent.

 

Well anyway I told my fiance everything. I did not come out and tell him everything at once because the way the conversation went. It was a question asked and then answer. I decided to be honest with him and tell him every detail and now I'm wishing that I said nothing at all. I thought that would be the right thing to do. Obviously it wasn't because he called everything off and told me how I needed to mature.

 

I really could not understand why he made such a drastic move because I never meant for everything to happen the way it did. Like I said I don't have feelings for this dude at all. He made me feel like a was the worst person ever. You would think that he never did anything to make me feel away. On Thanksgiving he stopped by his ex house for awhile and did not come right out and tell me. His daughters mom which is another ex calls him 3 in the morning but I'm supposed to say nothing and I don't because out of respect for him though I walk away feeling disrespected.

 

I really do miss him but I don't know if I should cut off all ties because my confidence and my pride is lowering because of this situation. The way he's treating me and the way he talks to me makes me feel like I'm being foolish for still trying to be in his life. I know I messed up and I'll admit to that in a heart beat but the thing is I'm so sorry and I love him so much. Why does he have to cut everything off completely. We were engaged now we're just friends. I don't understand the extreme of things. He knows that I did not mean it and he has me wondering that its more to it than what he's telling me. I always tell him couples go through situations worst than this and they can work it out, why can't we. His reaction to this whole situation makes me feel like I slept with this dude.

 

I want to leave it alone but I feel like I should fight for this. I never fought so hard when it came to relationships.

 

What should I do?

[bluechocolate]

Here's the story, I bumped into my ex (my first love and also had an affair with him about 3 years ago),

 

This affair - did you have it while going out with your now ex-fiancé? That is a very vital piece of information.

 

Anyway I told my fiancé about the situation and his reaction was very non chalant like whatever and that honestly bothered me.

 

I don't know this guy, but here's my take - he acted nonchalantly because he didn't think it was his place to tell you what was the right thing to do. You should have known that already. Especially if this is the same guy you cheated with on your fiancé. If it is, no doubt you both went over & over this at the time. That fact that it bothered you that he seemed unconcerned suggests to me that you knew he would/should be. In which case, why the heck would you have given this guy your number in the first place?

 

I told him that I was not going to call him and I went back on my word and called,

 

I'm going with the theory that you had an affair with this guy whilst going out with your current ex. How was that resolved? I'm sure that somewhere in there would have been an undertaking from yourself never to see or contact this guy again. And yet you did. Not only that, you gave him your number, told your ex you wouldn't contact him & went ahead & did it anyway. If I was your ex-fiancé, sorry, but I would have dumped you too.

 

On Thanksgiving he stopped by his ex house for awhile and did not come right out and tell me.

 

Does that make what you did right? Were you playing tit-for-tat with him or something?

 

His daughters mom which is another ex calls him 3 in the morning but I'm supposed to say nothing and I don't because out of respect for him though I walk away feeling disrespected.

 

I could come up with a hundred reason why the mother of his child would need to call him at 3 in the morning.

 

His reaction to this whole situation makes me feel like I slept with this dude.

 

But you did sleep with the dude, didn't you? Not this time maybe, but you cheated with him in the past. Under those circumstances most reasonable people would assume that contact like yours, giving the guy your number & wanted to work with him, would inevitably lead to cheating again.

 

Plain & simple - your ex-fiancé feels that he can't trust you & if you can't trust someone then you can't have a healthy relationship with them & you certainly shouldn't marry them.

[PrettyCrissy]

Okay, 1-my ex fiance was not in the picture when I had the affair. I know that's a messed up thing that I did but that situation is a whole other story that I'm cool with either.

2- I did not give my ex my number he gave me his. I know that this whole situation sounds childish and it is but that's what happen. Like I said regardless of how I felt for my ex in the past that is really not the case now

3- His daughters mom situation on her part is childish because she knows that we were engaged and the reason she was calling him was because she wanted to talk to him about our engagement 3 in the morning. I'm not trying to do tit for tat but at the same he was wrong for what he did as well. He slept with his daughters mom and the other chick as well and regardless if it was through an affair or not that still is someone that he slept with.

 

I know it sounds crazy and like I'm some kind of home wrecker but when it comes to relationships I've only had a few and that's why I'm asking for advice in what to do in this situation. I really love this dude and I just want us to work because like i said it was all innocent. Me telling him about my affair again was also stupid on my part because I realize now that I have to keep certain things to myself. I'm really not as bad as this whole stories sound nor is this situation. Like I said I am starting to believe that something else is going on because I've also realized that he had another cell phone without my knowing before this whole situation happened. Now you knowing that can you tell me what I should do? I really do appreciate your response.

[bluechocolate]

1-my ex fiancé was not in the picture when I had the affair. I know that's a messed up thing that I did but that situation is a whole other story that I'm cool with either.

 

That makes a big difference. As you can probably tell, I phrased most of my post on the assumption that you were with your fiancé when you had this affair.

 

Despite that, I think you can still perhaps understand what's going on in his mind. Probably something like, 'She fooled around with this guy while going out with her last boyfriend & now they're in touch again. Could be likely that she'll do it again.'

 

I'm not saying that you will, simply trying to look at it from his perspective. I understand when you say that he is still in touch with people he's slept with before, but there is a difference here.

 

2- I did not give my ex my number he gave me his.

 

Sorry, I switched the 'me' & 'him' & misread that sentence.

 

.....he told me how he still loved me and thought of me.

 

 

That there is a danger sign. Did you tell your fiancé that he said this to you? Because that says to me that this ex of yours may try & start things again. When you're in a committed relationship the best way to deal with ex's like this is to cut them off completely. To not even put yourself in a situation where there is a potential that something may happen, regardless even it's an attempt by him that you would rebuke.

 

 

I know it sounds crazy and like I'm some kind of home wrecker...

 

Honestly, I don't think it sounds crazy or that you sound like a home wrecker. Nobody behaves perfectly all the time in a relationship. Not me, not him, not you - nobody.

 

Obviously it wasn't because he called everything off and told me how I needed to mature.

 

I think he may have thought you were trying to make him jealous & to see how he would react. Hence the comment about needing to mature.

 

Like I said I am starting to believe that something else is going on because I've also realized that he had another cell phone without my knowing before this whole situation happened.

 

I'll confess to thinking that it seemed a bit drastic to me if he's committed himself to marriage. That is why I assumed that you two were together when you had the affair. And if you had been then I couldn't blame your ex for being mistrustful.

 

The cell phone business is not a good sign. Why should he need to hide a cell phone from the woman he's going to marry?

 

Now you knowing that can you tell me what I should do?

 

It's a difficult one. Because now it seems like you have two issues to deal with here. Even if you sort the first one out you're still going to want to know what's up with that cell phone & why he seemingly dropped you so fast. And it's almost impossible to mingle the two, if you know what I mean. That would look & sound like making excuses & purposefully going off topic.

 

The first thing you need to do is establish from him whether there is a chance of a reconciliation. Right now he is holding all the cards.

[PrettyCrissy]

I hear you. My ex is somewhat of a dog and if i did gave him the opportunity to deal with me he would jump right on. After that situation I lost all contact with my ex change my number and everything. I realize now that I should have no contact with him whatsoever because his intentions are the total opposite of mine. I'll admit I was a little naive in the whole situation thinking that everything would be okay but at the same time I also realize how upset I was with the whole thing. Though nothing happened I should have not been so friendly because I realize somethings are better left alone.

 

I've learned alot from this situation and I hope that we could work things out eventually.

 

Thanks for you advice

[PrettyCrissy]

I did talk to my ex fiance and he told me that things take time. I think with this whole situation I need to be a little patient. I talk to him everyday and though he can seem a little harsh, he still calls me.