jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 I've read that workaholics are usually commitmentphobes who dig into their work as a way to avoid closeness in relationships. Do you think this is true, and if so, can these people change?
smile95 Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 yes and not usually. My ex went thru a divorce and work is the only thing that shows him he is a successful person. He throws himself into it so that he feels good about himself. Did your man by chance already have a failed relstionship? My counselor says this is normal for men to do. Are you still with him? Honey, if you want a life if being alone, continue, but really there comes a time to think of YOU and what you deserve. You sound like a sweet girl and deserve a lot.
dnm1010 Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 well it can also have to do with obsessive compulsive disorder and stuff.. my FH is like that sometimes when it comes to his work.. he starts working on it and doesnt realize 10 hours pass sometimes..
smile95 Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 dnm-i think her bf works long hrs ALL the time, not just in a project though.
Art_Critic Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 I'll bet that if you gathered up all the workaholics and put them in the room you wouldn't find all commitmentphobes .. What you would find is a bunch of guys that have set their prorities to basically only include work or success. Certainly there will be workaholics that are commitmentphobes but that will not be the hard fast rule. I used to be a workaholic..At times in my life I have worked 120 hrs per week and this went on for years.. but I was not a commitmentphobe.. I was driven for what I thought success was and how to get it.. As soon as I had what I was looking for I slowed down and got married.. that was in my 30's.. All the dating during this time revolved around my work.. women sometimes would bring me dinner to my work because I was working on a job/deadline crunch that didn't allow time for dating.. 1
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 21, 2006 Author Posted January 21, 2006 dnm-i think her bf works long hrs ALL the time, not just in a project though. He didn't used to pull these kind of hours. Then a few months into our relationship he began to work crazy hours, and at first he still made sure to call every day for a few minutes and do the little things to keep up his end of the relationship even if time with him was limited. And it's not like I've ever demanded more time from him, even when I missed him terribly. I was understanding and offered to help him with errands, cooking him a good home-cooked meal when he didn't have time....stuff like that. But somehow a switch flipped and he stopped being engaged in the relationship at all. He started going days without calling, stopped making plans, stopped giving me cards and tokens of affection, stopped sharing and generally withdrew.
Outcast Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 Jen, this guy is a lost cause. Why allow yourself to cling to the faint wisps of hope? Cut him loose and free yourself.
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 21, 2006 Author Posted January 21, 2006 I have cut him loose. Sent him a Dear John letter, which offered him a chance to make things right, but of course, he didn't bite.
Bill-RiZeR Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 Hmmm...Is there any way to actually convince a workaholic who has carreer goals as top tier and commitment as bottom tier to date? Cuz I too am going through this same trouble with a fine girl who wants to get into the music business BUT currently doesn't want to be in a relationship.
cygny Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 Hmmm...Is there any way to actually convince a workaholic who has carreer goals as top tier and commitment as bottom tier to date? Cuz I too am going through this same trouble with a fine girl who wants to get into the music business BUT currently doesn't want to be in a relationship. you have to offer her some help towards her goals. that is the only way.
cygny Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 my brother is a workaholic and i think he *uses* work as an excuse to avoid intimacy. I'm not sure that i'd call him a commitmentphobe because he is married and wants to stay married. but, he has cut himself off from normal emotional responses to people, of affection. Probably because our father was very hard on him as a child, and to stop the pain, he just cut off. The only way he expresses any tenderness is through dogs, believe it or not. He has a soft spot for them. He rescues them and takes care of 60 or so. But of course this becomes another 'tool' to avoid intimacy with his wife and others. Because it is, after all, quite a burden and takes alot of time to take care of 60 dogs. see how that works? no, i don't believe he will ever change.
cygny Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 I have cut him loose. Sent him a Dear John letter, which offered him a chance to make things right, but of course, he didn't bite. good move. and hope you can move on and find someone better.
smile95 Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 mine was all you described in the beginning and then he got promoted and he changed. I thought it was work that was too much, but let's all face it, people change A LOT from the beginning of a relationship. He had to try and won you over, he did, knew he had you, and now he knows the bare minumum to do to keep you. It is sad, but it happened to me too. I had to go. you cannot change that in a person
Bill-RiZeR Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 you have to offer her some help towards her goals. that is the only way. Well she seems to know a lot about the music industry yet she hasn't technically got in yet. And so far she is having some trouble with one of her artist who is currently cocky at the moment because of her appearance in American Idol...Got any ideas on how to actually offer help? Since I too am trying to get into the video game industry and the formula to getting into it is very similar...So help here? And as for the workaholic issue, I believe that it's bs because they are wasting precious times of their lives in the love department.
cygny Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 Well she seems to know a lot about the music industry yet she hasn't technically got in yet. And so far she is having some trouble with one of her artist who is currently cocky at the moment because of her appearance in American Idol...Got any ideas on how to actually offer help? Since I too am trying to get into the video game industry and the formula to getting into it is very similar...So help here? And as for the workaholic issue, I believe that it's bs because they are wasting precious times of their lives in the love department. can you collaborate on a project? or give contacts? mentor her on some aspect? careful...it could turn into a situation where she is just using you...to avoid that you have to get her to fall for you...seduce her emotionally, maybe with your knowledge of the music industry somehow...
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