Should I propose when my girl still has her old engagement ring from another guy?

[SteveInOz]

Hi,

 

I was going to propose to my girlfriend, but I have since discovered she still keeps the engagement ring from her last bf of 2 years ago.

 

Is it fair to have two engagment rings? Can you be engaged twice?

Its a very very expensive ring (well, I know mine is).. I would have thought if she didnt want his love she would sent it back to him maybe.

 

Im sure there will be girls out there saying its fine to keep, but, to be honest, it doesent make it feel as special as I thought it would have.

 

confused.

 

Steve

[Lonestar]

What do you want her to do with the old ring... sell it, trade it, put it in a new setting, throw it out? You didn't say.

[a4a]

Is she wearing it still? YIKES if she is!

 

a4a

[Kenyth]

If an engagement doesn't go through, good manners demands you return the ring. Divorces are a little trickier and I don't think there's a hard and fast rule. Many times however, the situation is painful and clumsy enough that nobody bothers with it. It's unfortunate because then you have the problem of having a valuable piece of jewelry with sentimental value also. Kept in a memory box along with prom pictures and old love letters, I don't think it should be a big deal. If it really bugs you, ask her to trade it in on something else. Maybe some diamond ear rings to wear at the wedding? She may not be as attached to the ring as you think. She might be just waiting for an excuse to do something constructive with it. It's really up to you to decide what you're comfortable with and work out something with her from there.

[bluechocolate]

If an engagement doesn't go through, good manners demands you return the ring.

And so does the law. I've seen it on Judge Judy.

 

Really though, she should have returned the ring.

 

I think it's a bit strange. Even stranger if she wears it.

 

Ask her why she's kept it & what she intends to do with it.

[Becoming]

How did you find this out? Does she secret it away like old love letters, have it just sitting in a jewelry box with a lot of other stuff, or what?

 

Why DID she keep it?

[SteveInOz]

Well, she told me up front she still has the ring from her previous engagement. I was sorta shocked, as from what i understand, they are worth quite a lot, so i never asked anything more. I have no idea if she wears it as i do not know what it looks like. If I had an option to do something with it, I would certainly suggest sending it back to the guy that spent 3 months wages buying it for her.

 

I think in this respect, my gf is a bit differrent. There was a bomb attack in London, so she rang him to see if he's ok. (he moved back to London from Sydney). I asked her if she had been in communication with him, and she told me this. I also had to ask for his number to be taken out of her phone, which was under the name of just his initals. When asked, she says all these things she simply "forgot to do". I cant help, but get the feeling they are still in contact and there is something small there maybe.

[In Like Flynn]

I would have her sell it and use the proceeds on the cost of the wedding!! Just a thought.

[zenolith]

I agree with your gut. She is not over him and still holds out hope.

[Curmudgeon]

She may still have some latent feelings for him but by coming controlling (the ring, his telephone number, etc.) you might risk driving her right back to him.

 

If you're that unsure about her, perhaps marriage isn't the right approach right now. It sounds like the two of you have some trust issues to work through first.

[JayKay]

I always heard that if the woman backs out of the wedding, she gives the ring back.

 

If the man backs out, she keeps the ring.

 

Who ended things with who in this scenario?

 

Of course you can be engaged twice. People get engaged and then sometimes end engagements when things don't go as planned.

 

As for not feeling 'special', you will have to come to grips with the fact that she had a life before you and has loved before you. I realize you'd like to be the 'first' in this area, but her history is what it is.

 

Ask her what she plans to do with the ring. My best girlfriend kept her engagement ring after catching her fiancee cheating. She didn't know what to do with it at first, so she had for a few years.

When she took it to jewelers and autioneers, the price they offered to pay for it was so low she became discouraged.

For a while she considered making it into another type of jewelry.

 

Finally, she donated it to charity.

 

Maybe your fiancee is just trying to decide what to do with an expensive thing she has no use for, but doesnt' want to waste.

[uncool]

It all depends on what it means to her, not you. this is the sort of thing that can rip your heart out later if you dont get some satisfactory answers as to why she keeps it. However, giving her the benefit of the doubt, here's some possible reasoning: My wife of 11yrs also has an old engagement ring of a past lover. She said he just got mad and never said he wanted it back. its not a very expensive one. But i liked my wifes excuse was "that she just thought it was a cool looking ring" and thought nothing of it. Women ador jewelry. Especially if its something that they chose themselves. What if your old GF gave you a really nice power drill or saw? You'd probably just keep it in your tool collection. You wouldn't feel like seeking her out to return it because it's yours.

[TommyGunn]

She isn't ove him. Snoop and you will find the answers you seek

[SteveInOz]

Well, thanks for all the information. In the past few days some more stuff has come to light. Unfortunatley, I think its all a bit much for one person. I originally found this website whilst asking opinions on keeping mementos. My GF has a lot of mementos. She is 35, and has had the chance to rack up a few points, but its all too close to home, as recently, I have found out she was seeing an old boyfriend, disguised as a friend by her. They cycled together in a group. (but she is not anymore) He just happends to live a few houses away. She has another ex bf who lives up the road and currently works for her company (he's a pilot).

The guy that engaged her lives in UK, and used to work for her same company also, but is back in UK. She called it off, becasue he was undecided about marrying her after they were engages. She kept the ring, for no real reason.

Email is a no go zone. Her stuff is very private. She is a private person accordingly. Im not too sure why she likes to keep in touch and be so close to ex's, but, even though the laws say its fine to do this, and girls say its ok to be friends with your ex, it just dosent feel very right me.

[Cecelius]

Those recently available facts would prevent me from asking her to be married, regardless of the other guy's ring

[jmargel]

So you found out she's been lying to you (ie. cheating on you) with this OM now. That's a whole other topic.

 

Thing with ex's is, you can't be 'friends'. Because that doesn't allow you to fully close the door on that experience and move on with your life. It's almost impossible to have once loved someone then meet up with them again and knock it down a few notches to just 'friends'. Too many feelings get stirred up.

 

She's not being loyal to you, don't propose. You'll end up regretting it. Walk away and let her chase you, let her realize what she's losing. For 35 yrs old you'd think she would be a bit more mature. Sounds like she's still a kid in a lot of ways.

[blind_otter]

She may still have some latent feelings for him but by coming controlling (the ring, his telephone number, etc.) you might risk driving her right back to him.

 

If you're that unsure about her, perhaps marriage isn't the right approach right now. It sounds like the two of you have some trust issues to work through first.

 

Agreed........

[Wintersbloom]

If she were divorced she would probably have the set still. I did, and it was a reminder that on that day I felt loved and I loved...so, I didn't want to just get rid of it. Who it came from was not sentimental to me, but that I had once felt so in love and willing to risk it all on the dream of forever.... didn’t work out.

 

I have re-married and I decided to trade it in on the set(s) my hubby and I got. My hubby would have never suggested I trade in my old set, but if I can get use out of it, why not?

 

Best Wishes.

[Ladylay]

Maybe she just likes the ring, I was engaged once before I got married.My x did not want the ring back, so I kept it .When I got engaged to my now husband, I swopped it with my mum.

It is a beautiful ring I feel no sentiment towards it.

 

Maybe she has no idea you feel so strongly, have you told her?

She probably thinks as she is with you now.

 

Dont lose a relationship because of something she possibly feels no attachment to.

 

good luck.

[Guest]

I don't think she should have to give it back. It just might be something that is dear to her heart. Allow her to keep it.

[KonRyuu]

She should have definately waited until she was over the guy before moving into a new relationship. How long have you two been together, if it's a new relationship, I would wait it out and see what happens, if you've been together for a while, I'd just give up and start looking for someone who is more loyal, she's basically still infatuated with the guy if she's truly not in love anymore, which she either is, or atleast feels like she is, I remember the london thing going on, my mom called her ex-fiance when that happened to make sure he was alright, but her and her ex's still remain friends, they just don't hang out and my dad knows all about it and doesn't give a crap. She also doesn't were the ex's ring either, so if i were you I'd talk to her about it and find out, if she truly has feelings for him still, tell her that you don't think you should be together until she is 100% over this guy and is ready to start a NEW relationship, in the meantime, you should date, you never know if you might find someone better, there's always the possibility.

[MusicWoman]

its just a ring...so she has it..so its pretty...big deal...if she knew how much it bothered you she would probably do something about it....and the fact that you have never seen it before, that means shes not wearing it around and still attatched to the guy. She IS with you now, so what if she still has ex's that are around, everyone has a past. If this is the town that she has lived in all her life then of course her ex's would be around and close, she would have met them there. Just because she works with one of her ex's doesn't mean shes cheating on you.

[Becoming]

. . . it just dosent feel very right me.

 

And that's all that matters in the end. Trust your gut; it's usually right.