clandestinidad Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 Ive been spending some time getting to know a new guy. I like him, and he seems really wonderful. The impression I've gotten is that he's extremely thoughtful, caring, attractive, and funny, etc He was in a relationship that was a little unhealthy...and seems to have a history of doing that, just like I do. We've both stuck with people who were totally wrong for us, and hurt us. We stuck it out trying to make it work, so we're both pretty faithful and make a lot of effort in relationships. But we might also have lonliness issues...since we stayed w/ bad people b/c we didnt like the alternative, which is being alone. He broke up w/ his ex a couple months ago (after a LOT of off and on stuff), but apparently he had feelings for her still b/c he was having a lot of difficulty with it all. I discovered that just a few weeks ago he was still talking about loving her and what-not...something about second chances and stuff. I broke up w/ my boyfriend around the same time, ironically. And we had said that we'd be friends and see about working things out and maybe getting back together....but they arent ever going to be worked out, and I really think we're too 'wrong' for each other to try. We're better as friends. I havent had any romantic feelings or loving feelings for a while, and I really dont think he has either. Anyway, I have a couple questions. Without actually asking someone if they're over their ex (since its easy for ppl to tell you they are), are there any ways to tell? I have a feeling that he's not, which is okay for now......but if we keep talking and everything, I dont want him to get over her just b/c he's enjoying me. Let me clarify....I dont want to be a replacement at some point. I'd prefer that he gets over her on his own, and then if anything happens b/n us in the future, then it will be when he was truly ready for someone else. I dont necessarily want anything like a serious relationship right now....we're still getting to know each other.....but since its always a possibility that things could get more involved, I'm curious about that situation. I'm also wondering what everyone thinks about a possible relationship b/n 2people who've had histories of bad relationships that they had trouble leaving. Is it possible for those 2 people to come together and have a wonderful healthy relationship? Or would their historical patterns cause damage in some ways? Anyway, like I said, there's nothing 'serious' going on at this point, we're just having fun and talking....I'm just curious about such things. Does anyone have any thoughts?
Neptune Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 I think too many men and women are not able to detach themselves from relationships. By this I mean to go without. But, it is important to be able to step back and not always be trying to make the best situation at any moment work. A lack of patience in finding relationships is rampant. A big part of it is doing without sex. It takes disipline and that is a very dirty word nowadays. So, this is not a direct answer but something to reflect on and consider.
gfto Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 Are you sure he broke up with her? Or, did he get dumped? Big difference. From what you describe, it sounds to me like she dumped him, and he's still so interested in her that he feels like a lost puppy. If that's the case, then your concern about being a replacement is justified. But, in a sense, anytime you start dating a new person, you're "replacing" the ex. So, being a replacement isn't necessarily a bad thing. What really matters is how INTERESTED he is in you. If he's really into you, then he ought to be able to forget about that ex very quickly and easily and focus on you, which would be a good thing. If on the other hand, he's still kind of in la-la land, clinging to hope of getting that ex back, then he's probably not digging you that much anyway. It sounds like you're listening to your gut, which is the best thing you can do. Your head and heart can fool you, but your gut never lies! I hope it works out well for you. 1
Author clandestinidad Posted January 21, 2006 Author Posted January 21, 2006 Are you sure he broke up with her? Or, did he get dumped? Big difference I'm fairly positive that he broke up w/ her. There were a LOT of issues that never got fixed, they'd been off and on for a long time. They were together over 3 yrs. I think he was so sad about it b/c he could see the awesome possibilities, but it wouldnt happen unless she changed. I also think he feels like he's wasted time, since she didnt want the relationship to move forward. I realize its hard to move on after something like that, and thats why I want to be careful if this ever goes further or turns into anything...I dont want to be spending time talking w/ him while he's still pining over her, hoping that she'll changed and realize what she did, and that they'd get back together. Thats kind of a lot for me to invest for nothing, when he was waiting for her the whole time. I feel alright about it if he's not completely over her right now, I just meant that eventually if this moves along how would I really know if he's over her or not?? How do you ever know if ANYone is over their ex? Are there signs? Is there a length of time that allows for proper healing? Or do we all just go from person to person to fill in the space? And the other part of my OP was: is it possible for 2 people who've had a history of bad relationships to have a good one together? Or would they have a lot of issues?
Gold Pile Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 After prolonged reflection on your post, I have a question.... Where's your avatar?
Author clandestinidad Posted January 21, 2006 Author Posted January 21, 2006 GP, how 'bout that....is that one alright enough?
Milo Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 Well, I went on a few dates with this nice girl who clearly was not over her ex. The big tip-off was that she talked about him practically non-stop. I sort of backed out of the dating status and we settled into a friendship instead. You can never really know if someone is over an ex, nor can they really when it is early in the break-up. So many ties need to have time to weaken, wither, and die. After three years that is going to take some time. But the more time this guy spends with you, the sooner that will happen. Nothing buries the ex like the new thang. As for two people who have had bad histories being successful, sure! Why not? P.S. Good luck with that! Reading about this makes me smile for some reason.
movinon05 Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 Its interesting that you brought this up because I recently found out through the grapevine that the guy I'm dating still has love for his ex, who he dated on and off for a few years, but she went back to her ex! But I also know that he has decided to move on with his life and open himself up to other possibilities because there's too much to overcome in that relationship. And I know he is starting to feel like there might be a future for us and wants to pursue it and I am feeling the same way. Its a little daunting being in a relationship like this, because it just so happens that there is one person in my life that I had the most profound love for, and the kind of love I never expect to have again. So I'm in the same boat as my BF. Do we ever really get over our ex's. I don't know. I think that some of the love always remains. But if you can be realistic and be happy in a new relationship and be devoted to each other, and I believe we are, then it can happen. Knowing what I know, I think I'll see the signs because I believe he will then start treating me differently. For now, I've decided to trust him because he has never given me any reason not to.
alphamale Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 But we might also have lonliness issues...since we stayed w/ bad people b/c we didnt like the alternative, which is being alone. the above is not uncommon... Without actually asking someone if they're over their ex (since its easy for ppl to tell you they are), are there any ways to tell? Not really...but if they mention the ex a lot then its a tip-off. I have a feeling that he's not, which is okay for now. go with your feelings or gut instincts... I'm also wondering what everyone thinks about a possible relationship b/n 2people who've had histories of bad relationships that they had trouble leaving. Is it possible for those 2 people to come together and have a wonderful healthy relationship? i don't see why not.
lilmoma1973 Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 Just be careful you are both on mends from rebounds and when that happens instead of being over the person ,we tend to attach to another and fall to quickly ..Sometimes this can be bad and we find out later we wasn't feeling what we thought and not in love with the new man.. Trust me it has happen to me before!! Just be careful... Take it slow and congrats im pulling for you and this guy..
Author clandestinidad Posted January 21, 2006 Author Posted January 21, 2006 Thank you for all of the advice/opinions! I spoke w/ him about it last night, and feel better about the part regarding whether or not he'd still want to be with her and try again. He certainly doesnt seem to want to go through any of that again, and is ready to be with someone who could love/appreciate him. I still wonder about the whole rebound thing, for both of us, but I will take it slow and just keep having as much fun as I do talking with him and getting to know each other. I'd love to hear what anyone else has to say about it too
lilmoma1973 Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 Glad to hear that you have found you someone and am pulling for you all the way just don't want you to get hurt not butting in when i say take it slow!! You and others have given me great advice on here and i hope i have with you as well not judging at all .. Just been there before and i ended up getting hurt because he knew i was on rebound and took advantage ..
travellingman Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 I still wonder about the whole rebound thing Kat! I was thinking of you this morning while I was, oh never mind. Anyway, you're holding your own past as well as his against both of you. Who gives a sh-t what happened with your prior mates? You shouldn't let damage from another relationship enter this one, just let it go wherever it's supposed to. There's a reason it's called "baggage" -it's not what happened, but how long you decide to carry it with you. Best of luck out there cutie.
evemarie Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 Someone posted a reply using the phrase "lost puppy". That's very close to what I'm dealing with right now. This guy is someone with whom the timing has always been a little "off" when it comes to seeing me. When we first met it was me who was in a relationship. A failing one, but I was really trying to make it work. I immediately felt the connection between myself and this new guy, though. Then after months of not seeing him at all he just happened to show up at a club I was visiting. Unfortunately I didn't know he was just coming off of a really bad break-up. They had only been together for about 6 months. She's been playing games with him...if she is in the same place as him, acts like he isn't there, then as soon as one of them leaves the place she starts calling and wanting to get back together. When she calls, he runs...yet when he talks to me he always says he knows that there is no future with her & he wishes he knew what to do to just get over her. He claims to really love being with me. We've only been seeing each other for about a month now. I know he isn't over her, but I so enjoy him & really think he and I have an opportunity for a great relationship. It's just hard trying to be patient and let him work through this on his own time. He is trying to do the right thing by me and not get too involved until he feels he can give 100% to our relationship, but that translates into me constantly wondering why I haven't heard from him in a couple of days...is he back with her...will he ever call again...etc. I just needed to vent a little and hope I'm not crazy for waiting on him to get over her. Thanks
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