feelsick Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 My situation is a little different than any i've seen on here... i guess that's why i'm posting. My boyfriend and i have been together, on and off, for 6 years. We now live together. For the first few years, he cheated on me a lot and treated me horrible, so we broke up. We got back together a year later. He has not cheated on me since, but he's so emotionally draining that i can't take it anymore. One day he'll be fine, then the next he'll tell me i'm an idiot. He'll say i don't do anything right, i make him miserable, etc. A while ago he yelled at me while our friends were in the car, saying "I'm going to ****ing kill you." I've never feared him getting physical with me, but his temper is so bad it makes me sick to my stomach. He's bi-polar and won't get help. I know we're both tired of this relationship, but whenever i try to end it, he says how he can't live without me. Now, I have a new job and have to move an hour away from him in a few months. he is saying there's no way we can be together if i move. He's telling me that i'm choosing a job over him and it makes him feel terrible. This is a great job, great people, good pay. I'm young and have always hated where i live, so he's always known that i've wanted out of here. I'm really excited to leave so i can move on and start over. I guess that sounds bad, but i'm just so tired of fighting with him, walking on egg shells and never being able to make him happy. Last night i tried to end it with him, but he just wouldn't let me. He said he was going to kill himself and that he only had me. This has happened before, but i always go back because i feel guilty. I care about him, but i know I am SO ready to be alone for a while. we both just got comfortable with the situation, that now it's hard to actually follow through with the break up. So i don't know what to do.... Should i stay with him for a few more months and see how it goes, then break up with him (and deal with him flipping out again) or just do it now? It's so hard because i'm so close with his family, we live together and i still care about him, but i can't pass up this job and i feel like i'm going crazy right now. I guess i should add... he never helps me with housework, paying the bills, laundry, dishes... ANYTHING. His mom did it all for him before and now i do. I could write forever, but i guess i'm just looking for some thoughts...
skeptik224 Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 Do you think if he got the help he needs that you'd be willing to work through this with him? If not or you definately know he won't get help, you may just need to walk away. From my experience, people who threaten suicide don't attempt suicide. It's a cry for help. NOT ALL THE TIME IS THAT TRUE, HOWEVER. Staying with someone out of guilt is a terrible thing to do. I know it's going to be hard, but if you don't feel the same love you did in the past, it's time to move on.
bluechocolate Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 He is using blackmail to keep you in a relationship. A relationship that sounds very unhealthy. I understand that you're worried when he says he'll kill himself if you leave, but ultimately you are not responsible for his actions. What kind of a basis is that for staying in a relationship anyway? Pretty twisted, if you ask me. Should i stay with him for a few more months and see how it goes, then break up with him (and deal with him flipping out again) or just do it now? I think you should do it as soon as possible, but don't be hasty. He could get nasty so I wouldn't count on breaking up & being able to live out the lease together. Be smart about it. If you can you should have everything in place before telling him you're leaving. Have friends &/or family over to help you move out - don't be alone with him. Once you've made up your mind don't entertain any conversation about how he'll change or how he'll commit suicide. If you're really worried he'll hurt himself then call his parents & ask them to look out for him.
Mermaiden Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 Does you boyfriend exhibit any of these actions ? If so you need to get out of that situation immediately. Do NOT be alone with him and do not prolong leaving. Best of success. Below is a few different types of emotional abuse. It may describe someone you know. Domination - People who dominate others need to be in charge & they often try to control another person's every action. They have to have their own way & they will often resort to threats to get it. Verbal Assaults - This behavior involves berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening, blaming & using sarcasm & humilation. This is extremely damaging to the victim's self esteem & self image. Abusive expectations - Here, the abuser places unreasonable demands on you. You are expected to put aside everything to satisfy his/her needs. The abuser demonstrates a constant need for your undivided attention. But no matter how much time or attention you give, it's never enough. This person can never be pleased. You will find yourself "proving your love" to your abuser constantly. He/She is a bottomless pit that can never be filled or satisfied. Emotional Blackmail - This is one of the most powerful ways of manipulation. This abuser coerces another person into doing what he/she wants by playing on the victim's fear, guilt, or compassion. Women are easily exploited because they tend to place others' wishes & feelings ahead of their own. They can be made to feel guilty simply for thinking of their own needs & feelings first. Unpredictable Responses - The abuser has drastic mood swings or sudden emotional outbursts for no apparant reason. This behavior is damaging because it causes you to feel constantly on edge. You find yourself "walking on eggshells" in your own home, waiting for the abusers next outburst or mood swing. An alcoholic or drug user is likely to be extremely unpredictable, exhibiting one personality when sober & totally different one when intoxicated or high. Constant Criticism - This is where someone is constantly criticizing you or always finding fault in the things you do. This type of abuse eats away at your self confidence and sense of self worth. Character Assassination - This occurs when someone constantly blows your mistakes out of porportion; gossips about your past failures & mistakes & tells lies about you; humilation, criticizes and makes fun of you in front of others. Gas Lightning - This abuser may continually deny that certain events occurred or by insinuating that you are exaggerating or lying. He/She may also deny he/she said something you both know was said. In this way, the abuser may be trying to gain control over your or to avoid responsibility for his/her own actions. Constant Chaos - This abuser is "addicted to drama." He/She may deliberately start arguments. This creates excitement in "crisis-oriented" people. They are unable to enjoy harmony & peace. The ultimate weapon against emotional abuse is knowledge. Abusers feel the need to control due to their own lack of security. There are number of reasons why they do what they do. Can they change? Good question. Some do, most don't. There are some cases where the abuser will realize his/her problems & get professional help. But, the abusers who need to be controlling, obnoxious, insulting, & wreak havoc with the lives of nearly every person they come in contact with, there is absolutely nothing you can do to prevent the abuse from occurring. The victims only hope is to get as far away from the abuser as possible Thanks to Missi Tomes 'Arms Wide Open' for the above warning signs
AZKHO Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 I would advice getting it over with now. I was in a similar "emotionially" abusive situation. It seems like a harsh way to put it, but he knows exactly what to do to get his way with you. Weather he has to put you down, or talk you up. And he does it because it is the only way he knows how to deal with things. Perhaps a flawed childhood? If you really love him, let him go and things will get better. If it is meant to be, than he will get the help he needs and then re-enter your life.
Becoming Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 You are the one in charge of your life. He is the one in charge of his. It sounds like he's trying to be in charge of yours and you're letting him. You're being emotionally abused, it sounds like, so no wonder you want to leave. He's manipulating you by threatening suicide. If he seriously wants to kill himself, there's nothing you or anyone else can do about it anyway short of locking him in a safe room and putting him on suicide watch. But I doubt he's serious. He's just trying to keep you like a bird in a cage. Make a plan to leave, as others advised. If you don't take that job you'll live to regret it. Don't let him talk you out of it; you've indicated here that you would rather have the job than him. Don't feel guilty for that (he'll probably try to make you). His abusive behavior is why that's the case. Don't let him twist it to blame you. Take care of you. That's your job. Contact his family to take care of him when you leave and just go. No matter what he says or does, you need to do what you know you need to do.
seven Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 Congratulations on the new job, sounds like a great move for you. You know that this relationship has run its course and it's time to move on, but being a caring individual, you're concerned about your BF's reaction to your leaving, given that he is bipolar and not being treated for it. A suggestion: "lead" him into counseling (therapy) by seeking one yourself. Please understand that I am NOT saying that "you" need therapy. Just wondered if you started the process [by letting the counselor know from the get go about your BF's behavior and suicide threat] then you could both work on getting the BF to attend counseling sessions [perhaps the counselor could also help you decide whether you should move out right away]. The hope here being that your BF gets the help he obviously needs, and you move on with closure. This is just a suggestion ... it is NOT your responsibility to get your BF well. If your gut instinct is that it's for your own well-being to move out right away, then follow it. Keep us posted.
luvtoto Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 This thread brings back memories from when I was in an abusive relationship ten years ago. I remember when he *supposedly* was trying to change his abusiveness...he would always tell me, "Well, I am trying to be nice to you!" I never want to be with another man that has to make any kind of effort to *try* be nice to me. After being with a few nice, mature, healthy men since then, that statement sounds so idiotic to me now. Abuse never gets better...it only gets worse as the years go by. The only thing that made him stop abusing me was that I gained knowledge by joining a support group for abusive woman. He realized that I wasn't under his control anymore and saw his abuse for what it was. Abuse. The bad thing is is that the more you try to leave, the more danger you will be in. I would consult a crisis center before trying to leave to get help or advice. Please don't underestimate an abusive person. Sorry, I know you care about him, and compassion is your biggest fault right now. If anyone understands this it's me. But, you don't deserve to be treated this way. No one does.
kitkat. Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 Hi Best of luck with your situation. It is not your job to stay in a relationship as a source of stability for your boyfriend. Are there other sources of support in his life - perhaps a mental health practitioner, good friends or family members who he could turn to? Perhaps you could help him to build up these connections? That way neither you nor him will feel as tied to this relationship because of his vulnerabilities as he will have other systems of support in place. Then if you want to be together you will be - if not you'll split without the same level of fear for his safety. Ultimately, this is not your responsibility and if the relationship gets abusive then getting out is the way to go. If you don't think it is at that stage yet, my opinion is that encouraging him to strengthen other sources of support would make for easier transitions for both of you.
riobikini Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 Dear FeelSick, Please see the thread link given below on Bipolar Illness, -it may be of help in your situation. Here's the link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=677116&postcount=2 Yours, -Rio
Author feelsick Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 Thanks to everyone who wrote in to help me. It makes me feel better already! He does try to manipulate me. I see it now more than ever and i know i need to move on. I honestly don't think he would hurt himself, however he knows i care about him and it does scare me. After 6+ years, he knows my weaknesses. Thank you for telling me it's NOT my job to stay with him if i'm not happy. With him, there could be no transition for us breaking up. He flies off the handle if i even mention my job. When i do it, i'm just going to have to be straight-forward and leave quickly... and stick to my guns. Why do i still feel so bad about hurting his feelings? That's the hardest part.
Becoming Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Why do i still feel so bad about hurting his feelings? Because you're a caring human being, that's why! And people who are users take advantage of those who do care, so you have to learn to guard against those who will take advantage of one of your greatest assets. What they see as a weakness and try to exploit is actually one of your greatest treasures. Don't let anyone else take this treasure, for it's not a treasure to be taken or taken advantage of (under those conditions, even if you got it, it would just turn to dust). It's only a treasure when it's freely given, not taken. Because it's been taken and taken advantage of for so long, you no longer want to give it, which is as it should be. Best wishes. Give us an update and keep us posted on the new move!
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