sweetmind20 Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 hi, My husband and I just got married this past August 2005. I am 22 and he is 24. I'm writing because I'm desperate to fix things in my marriage. I have barely been married for six months, and I am seeing these very disturbing traits emerging from my partner. When we get into arguments, he has started to pretty much "cower" on the floor in a fetal position, blocking his ears. I am completely taken aback by this as there is no physical abuse whatsoever. I don't know if this is a manipulation tactic, or what. I have gone out of my way to take care of him. As far as I know, there is nothing that is that bad going on in his life yet he still appears stressed. For the past two weeks, he has barely spoken to me, he has withheld sex and he has on occassion, literally recoiled when i tried to kiss him. my heart is shattering in my chest as i write this. he has always been shy, but now he is not comfortable at all with showing me any kind of affection; his body tenses when i reach for him, lovingly. i don't know what to do anymore. I am trying to hold on but i don't know how much more i can take of this. please, any opinions would be greatly appreciated. love, sweetmind
JadeStar Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Was he like this before you got married as far as laying down in a fetal position during an arguement? I really do not know what to tell you, other than it sounds like a manipulation tactic becasue hes not wanting to deal with whatever is going on. Jade 1
lilmoma1973 Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 This sounds like a tactic my 6 yrold would use covering her ears so she won't have to listen to why we tell her what she has done!! This doesn't sound appropriate for an adult to be doing ,sounds like he is doing childish things as to avoid what you saying ..
magda Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Are these like, screaming arguments? Or just argumentative discussions? You need to fix the communication there and discuss this.
slubberdegullion Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 He may be re-living memories of abuse as a child when you and he are arguing. Then again, maybe it's manipulation. Hard to say. But get the facts first. Talk to him, tell him that you're worried that you and he can't have an argument without curling up into a ball. He may or may not share the reasons for it, but at least he'll know that you've noticed and aren't pleased about it.
niawiakum Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 Sure doesn't sound like manipulation to either of us (hubby & I are reading the boards together tonight ). Sounds more like your husband has some serious issues that he has tried to overcome but are now winning. First thought in hubby's mind was Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, and I agree. Whether it came from military, a bad accident, an abusive family (or even a verbally abusive coach/teacher), or is simply mental illness, it sure seems to be there. I think your husband must have loved you a lot to try to get past this to marry you and is now embarrassed about it. I would STRONGLY suggest getting professional help. Don't mess around with strangers on a BB, however well-intentioned. If he is coming apart this badly, I would personally be very, very worried that suicide is a real risk. If finances are a concern, there are many places that will offer reduced fees and the vast majority of health insurance also covers counselling/mental illness (it's required by law in most places). Good luck to both of you, and please get some real help before it's too late!
luckygirl Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 It sounds like maybe he has witnessed abuse in his past or was abused. Could an affair be a possibility? He is not having sexual relations with you or being affectionate towards you. I would be concerned. Can you talk to him about why he is so scared? Maybe counseling would be beneficial. He could be suffering from a mental illness.
bluetuesday Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 i find it hard to think of manipulation as being the whole picture. it sounds very much like he is under enormous pressure, and the act of supressing something (childhood trauma, sexual orientation, financial struggle, whatever it may be) causes him to exhibit eccentric behaviour. he perceives you taking an opposing side on an argument, any argument, as a challenge to him and it pushes him over the edge, temporarily, until you back down. it's not the cleverest way to manipulate someone - it leaves him too open to a whole new basket of hassles such as you thinking he has a mental illness - so i'd guess that it's not fake. or controllable. withholding sex is not an indication of an affair, in my opinion. your husband has been through or is going through something he can no longer handle and needs outside intervention. seek professional advice as soon as you can. in the meantime, stop putting any pressure on him for sex - since sex is the way he's manifesting control at the moment. by 'pressure', i mean what HE will perceive as pressure - so don't come on to him in any way. make it clear you love him with or without sex. if he has, for example, been abused as a child, any pressure from you for sex could place you, in his eyes, in the same light as the abuser. as someone who only loves him if he gives them sex. avoid this at all costs, if you can. and talk to a professional. your husband will also be aware that his behaviour is not normal. he is unlikely to enjoy acting in the way he is acting - but he's probably petrified of facing whatever it is. so test the waters and see if he's willing to talk - even abstractly - about ways of communicating. tell him you would like to know how he wants you to be there for him. focus on his needs, completely. he sounds like he is going through something terrifying. this needs to be totally about him, for now. he has proved he cannot cope when you assert yourself. i'm afraid you're in for the long haul on this one. but your turn will come. traumatised people CAN live happy lives, eventually. please keep posting so we know how you're getting on.
d'Arthez Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 Definitely seek professional help. Because this points to the fact that your husband is suffering in a major fashion. And it is not clear from what he is suffering. DON'T blame yourself for your husband's predicament. I would hardly think this is a manipulation tactic - and if it is, it is not his conscious intent. Did he always react like this, or is this "new"? It may be stress, it may be childhood trauma, and perhaps even a personality disorder, that makes him extremely sensitive for situations like that. And that can suddenly appear for outsiders and even for himself. It is hard for us to imagine what your husband is experiencing, and it is hard for you. But the only thing that is certain is that he has problems to deal with the fact that you and him have arguments. But as for why, we can only guess - and guessing is dangerous, as we are not qualified to make a diagnosis of your husband. Defenitely seek professional help, and be supportive of him. I know that it is that hard as you are doubting yourself as a result of his reactions.
Recommended Posts