JumpHigh Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 My b/f of 8 years and I had some problems during the end of the summer. I was out of town for almost a month and during this time he met some else and when I got home he said that he was confused and wanted to make sure I was the "right" person for him. Our relationship had not been going well for a while and I asked him if we could try to make our relationship better before we ended everything. So we worked on it and everything was going well for about 4 months. Then right after x-mas he broke up with me. Apparently he had found another new girl and he was having these feelings of being confused again. A couple of days after this happened, he emailed me and told me he wanted us to be on a "break" so that he could figure everything because he dosn't know what he wants anymore. Well, for the last 3 weeks I have found out that he is not reallly dating this girl, he is only hanging out with her and a new group of friends. All he does on the weekend is partying beyond belief. This is very hard on me because I still care about him very much and don't want any of this to be happening. We email about once a week. (I usually wait for him to email me first and then act like I'm alright and having a great time without him). But I am miserable. I am not sure if I should wait for him and hope we get back together or if I should just end everything with him. Of all the friends I have talked to, they all think he is just freaked out about growing up (he is 24 and I am 25 and a lot of friends are starting to get married) and since he has found a new group of people that are single and will party with him then that's what he is going to do. Everyone thinks this is just a phase for him, because this is not what he was like when I first started dating him.
kitkat. Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Hi, I'm sorry you are in this situation...I don't have lots of advice but am in a vaguely similar situation but from the other side. I recently asked by bf for a break after having confusing feelings for sometime and struggling to sort things out within the relatinship. You say that you email once a week which sounds very restrained of you and you've done well with that. I don't know how long is fair on you to let this go on for though. Maybe thats something only you can answer. From the other perspective, I've spend a lot of time asking myself why I need/want to stay in this relationship. If there are personal issues such as fears of being alone, these can make you want to stay in a relationship which is not so good. If thats an issue for you then maybe thats something you can sort out in your own mind during this break. That way, if you do get back together you'll know its because its what you really want and not just because you've been doing that for so long. Maybe he will think about those issues too...? Also, if you remind yourself that you will be ok without him by going out lots etc then maybe you'll feel less like you need him. That way, you'll be more sorted whether you get back together or not. Hope that makes sense and sorry if it sounds cheesy! Anyway, good luck
Author JumpHigh Posted January 19, 2006 Author Posted January 19, 2006 Thanks for the advice. It is such a difficult position to be in, because I do care about him so much and I really think he is just going through a phase. Plus I wish there was something that I could do to change the situtation and I know there isn't, but I have not accepted that yet. I appreciate the help, it is nice to get ideas and suggestions from other people that are going through the same thing. I guess it would be easier if I knew when or how this whole was going to end.
Author JumpHigh Posted January 19, 2006 Author Posted January 19, 2006 I guess my other question about this situation would be, am I allowed to change some of the rules of our break? We only email once a week (his idea) and I would like to talk to him more often. Also, if it fair to put a time limit on the break. Can I say in 2 months you have to have made a decision or else I am moving on without you?
salmagundi Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Just my two bits, but if he said you would email each other once a week and you want more, that will pressure him and make you seem needy, a bit. I think once a week is fine...it is a break after all. If he wants to contact you more, thats his prerogative. He was the one who wanted the break, right? You should let him make that step when he's ready. Don't chase after him too much at this delicate point, it'll be bound to make him back away more. good luck, salmagundi
kitkat. Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 Basically its always going to be tough but you are both in this relationship so it shouldn't be all his decision even if he is the one to call a break. The way I see it, its important to feel that the other person doesn't have all the control. So yes, if it helps for you to say to him that you want to meet up after a certain amount of time (month or whatever) to discuss how its going, I think thats perfectly reasonable. In our 'break' my bf and I are in touch several times a day - maybe thats not ideal but point being there shouldn't be set rules really. In fact, he calls me more when he's upset by our break or by stuff in his life and we try to talk about it. I think you can be on a break while still being in someones life.
oss91 Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 I can understand what your boyfriend might be going through right now. I took a break from my girlfriend a few years ago, and it lasted roughly eight or nine months. During that time I partied like a rockstar. A rebellious phase, if you will. However, also during that time I treated her horrendously and made her feel terrible. She admitted to me that she cried herself to sleep almost every night because she just couldn't understand how I could love her and treat her so well one minute, and then the next minute treat her so badly. I would go two weeks or more without even speaking to her at times. I know it was so hard on her, but on the outside at least, she kept her cool and appeared strong as a rock. Needless to say, one morning I awoke and realized that I was heading down the wrong path and told myself this just wasn't fun anymore. I knew I had to get back on track, and so I called her. I told her that I needed some help getting back on track, and that I didn't think I could do it alone. I told her I understood if she was unwilling to help me, but she said, "no, I am here for you and I love you, how can I help?" Wow. She had taken the advice of her family and remained calm and patient with me b/c deep down she knew what I was going through. Here was this girl that I had treated so poorly without even realizing it, now telling me she was unselfishly willing to be there for me, and that she had always been there for me. It was at that moment I truly realized what I had in her and made a promise to myself that I have kept to this day and will keep to end of my life: I won't ever take her for granted again. Well that's a small story of my life. My advice, having been in a similar situation, if you truly love him then be there for him. Be his friend, talk with him when he wants to talk. Sounds like this is a partying phase, and inevitably something will come along that makes him "wake up" so to speak and realize that he's headed for a dead end. That's the time he will need someone strong, stable, and caring to be there for him. And that's the time you could be there for him. I know it's hard, I know it's really hard, but are you willing to try? Can I say in 2 months you have to have made a decision or else I am moving on without you? That's an ultimatum, and those never work. Besides, in two months you have no idea how you'll feel, and even though the two months are up, are you honestly going to just say, "well the 2 months are up, now I have no more feelings for him and am moving on." No, of course you won't. Just be patient, stay calm, and don't play games.
Author JumpHigh Posted January 20, 2006 Author Posted January 20, 2006 Oss91 thank you so much for your advice. I really think this is a phase for him because he was not like this when I met him. He has always been kind of a partier, but nothing like this. He doesn't talk to his closest friends really anymore and he is getting into some really bad stuff. Everyone I have talked have told me that I shouldn't be the one to contact him first. They said I should let him contact me and when he does (which has only been by email) that I should be to the point and seem very strong. I have been doing that, it is just really hard. I was also wondering, if he does not email me every week, does that me he does not care about me?? Just curious.
Author JumpHigh Posted January 24, 2006 Author Posted January 24, 2006 An Update: He emailed me yesterday and we had a good conversation. Something along the lines of what friends would have. I kept my cool and did not bring up anything that had to do with "us", even though I desperately wanted too. I also told him that I was going to be leaving town in about 2 weeks for a little over a month. During this time I was thinking of going NC with him, simply for the reason that I will not really be at a computer to email him (we email like people IM each other). I was also thinking that maybe this would be a good time for him to reflect on our relationship. Since we have been having "good" conversations lately, he will now know what it's like not to have me at all. Just a thought. I was planning on telling him that I would get a hold of him when I got back. Any opinions???
Author JumpHigh Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 I emailed him today and told him that I wanted to have NC while I was gone for the month and a half. I told him that I needed to figure things out for myself and being in another location and not emailing him at all would help me do that. I told him that I would get a hold of him when I got back into town in March. Hopefully by that point we will both be in a better place and things can start moving foward positively. So, wish me luck!
UT_longhorn Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 good for you jump high. you see what was going on. you were letting him use you as a crutch to move on. stay stron in your resolve to maintain NC. If you can...filter his emails as junk mail. If not, delete them as soon as they come in. I restart my first day of NC after almost 3 weeks. I broke that and now Im back to square 1. But I'm really ready to move forward and not look back.
Recommended Posts