I met a girl. I want to go slow and do this right, but I need suggestions.

[BigB]

So, BigB met a girl

 

She's really great, and I like her A LOT;). She makes me smile and I do the same for to her. We've been on 2 real dates, and spent a little time together almost everyday since we met.

 

I met her about a week ago. We were friends on the computer for a couple weeks before that. When we first met neither of us intended to be anything other than friends. In fact, I was hoping she had some friends so set me up with, lol. Now we're interested in each other.

 

We seem to have a lot in common, we're different, but in ways that so far seem to compliment each other.

 

We've both got a little bit of a rocky past, but we both seem to understand each other and accept that it makes us who we are.

 

We talked and both of us would like to take things slow and try our best to make things last.

 

Thing is, I've never really done slow. My past relationships (all 2 or so of them ) have been fast moving, and then crashed and burned.

 

Anyone got any tips on going slow? I'm not only talking about waiting a while to have sex...

 

How long should I wait before I ask her to officially be my girlfriend? (this is just symbolic really, I'm old fashioned about some things. She's not dating anyone else, and neither am I)

 

I thought it might be good to slowly introduce her to a few of my friends but not all at once, and I thought it might be good to wait a while before meeting each others family's.

 

We talked about spending a long weekend together sometime around her birthday in about a month, is it too soon for that? It doesn't feel too soon.

 

I'm 27, she's 25.

 

I guess I'm asking for help making sure I don't screw this up:rolleyes:

 

Thanks.

 

EDIT: Typo

[slubberdegullion]

Firstly, congratulations on your new lady! It sounds like you're off to a good start.

 

Taking it slow has both benefits and drawbacks, but in essence I think what you're asking is how to build a solid foundation for a long-term relationship before you go leaping into bed and each other's lives. Am I close?

 

Basically, the advice I'm about to so ponderously dish out are the exact opposite of what I did in my days as a player, so you now have a little context.

 

• Be aware. Notice the little things that she does that you like and the things that you don't like. Compliment her on the things you appreciate - not so much that you're inundating her with attaboys, but enough to show her that you notice these things - but also gently let her know that there are things she does that you're not keen on. The point of this is to get those little niggling things out in the open first, before they become festering points of contention between you;
  
• Be clear about your intentions. It sounds as if you're already on the right track here, by wanting to take it slow and build a solid foundation, so I don't think I need to say anymore about that;
  
• Be honest. Don't start changing your mind about what you will and won't tolerate. If she becomes easily emotional (just an example) and that drives you crazy, stay true to yourself and let her know, gently of course, that her outbursts don't have a positive effect on you. This is also about managing expectations;
  
• Expect honesty from her. Be clear with her that when, for instance, she tells you, "Everything's fine," you'll actually believe her. Don't fall into the trap of having to decode her every message. If she truly is upset but just can't seem to get the words out, then give her space, time and room to clear her head before you pursue the matter further;
  
• Treat the relationship with respect. Now, this may sound like it goes without saying, but I don't mean just to treat her with respect (although that is clearly the right thing to do) but integrate the understanding that the relationship between you two is a growing, vibrant entity unto itself. It's one of those things that's greater than the sum of it's parts. It's bigger than both of you;
  
• Be graceful. I don't mean dress up in tutus and swan your way across the stage; I mean be "full of grace" for both her and yourself. You're both going to make mistakes, you're both going to say things you don't mean, you're both going to get on each other's nerves on occasion. This is where the decision of love comes in. Make, and keep, the decision to offer her forgiveness when she makes an error, and ask forgiveness of her when you realize you've screwed up too. Grace is a powerful, compelling ethos in a relationship, and if the growing feelings between you two is as strong as it seems to be, giving and receiving grace will go a long way in cementing the foundation together.

See? I TOLDJA it would be ponderous!

 

Good luck, keep us all posted!

[amerikajin]

BigB,

 

Man, I just wanted to tell you how happy I am for you. I've read your posts before and you really come across as a genuine good guy...you represent our gender well.

 

Okay, about your situation....

 

...I think your instincts are dead-on here. You obviously don't want to push things, though that is easier said than done, I know.

 

I think it's good that you are able to be open about things. You two seem to know each other fairly well, and you're comfortable in each other's presence, so you're slowly moving past the initial screening stages of the dating process...or so it would seem anyway.

 

I think the main way not to go too fast is to not expect too much too soon. Just do things together - fun things like going to a park or doing other activities. Mix it up with a dinner date once in a while. The real test of intimacy is whether or not she feels comfortable coming over to your house, and/or whether she feels comfortable inviting you to hers. Maybe after a few weeks or a month, invite her over for dinner at your place (even if you're not the best cook, you can still throw something together). If she doesn't like the idea of coming over to your house, then let it go. Ask another time.

 

Also, when you talk, be careful about opening up too, too quickly. It's okay to tell her your interested, but let her get to know you gradually. Don't tell her everything about you. Especially avoid things that are particularly negative, like past girlfriends or your difficulties finding someone steady. Don't talk about family problems. You can acknowledge it but don't dwell on it. Put a positive spin on it.

 

I can't say for sure, but it does seem like you're taking the right steps. Just remember the above...and best of luck to ya dude.

 

Edit: just one more quick thing. Be careful about spending every day together. You don't want things to get routine or old. You haven't known each other that long. Build a mystery. Save dating for the weekend. Be busy during the week.

[BigB]

Thanks for the advise guys.

 

I'll take it all to heart and listen to it all.

 

So far things are going great, we're being really honest with each other, learning about each other, but haven't felt any need to pry into every detail of each other's lives. We've talked about a lot of things, but nether of us has felt the need to push for all the details.

 

Sometimes I bring something up, ask for another detail if it's something I was wondering about, and then drop it again. I've always had a problem with asking for every detail but this time I don't feel like I need them.

 

I think because we started as friends, I had no reason to play myself up. I was just myself. Also because we didn't talk online for very long (emails about once a day for 10 days or so) we never got into any really deep stuff about each other. Our conversations before meeting were mostly just chit chat about life, music, movies, work, etc. This seems like a good thing to me, we've met, but still have stuff to learn about.

 

I feel really comfortable around her, more so than I normally would at this point. I don't feel like I have to impress her, pretend to be better than I am, or convince her to like me in any way. She likes me just as regular boring me, she's made that very clear from the first day we met.

 

I'm used to feeling anxious at this point, like I'm about to screw it up at any second, but this time I don't feel that way. I feel secure. I've yet to feel any urge to fall into some of my old "doormat" patterns.

 

She's so understanding, it's great. If I bring up something that I don't like, she's ok with it. I don't feel like I need to be on pins and needles and worry about upsetting her when I say "I don't like that", or "I wouldn't like this".

 

she makes me feel like a man, she's likes me to choose activities, she likes me to be a little in control. My past girls were always controlling me. She says I make her feel safe, she says I'm amazing .

 

As I said we've been on 2 "real dates" a trip to the beach at night, and a movie. The other times we've been together were hanging out with my friends watching a movie, her visiting me at work, and watching TV at her friends house. They've always been 3-4 hours at time, so it doesn't feel like to much time at once. It leaves us both wanting more. I did spend the night with her last night. It was mostly just sleeping and talking, I had a blast.

 

She's in the middle of moving and is staying with friends so we can't be at her place much, and I'm staying at my parents, so she can't spent time at my place yet. We also work somewhat different schedules. I think this is good, it's keeping us from going nuts and staying together 24/7.

 

Last night we were in bed talking and I asked if feeling this way about each other so soon was scary at all (it's a little scary for me, fear of getting hurt. She knows about that) she said it was, and she said "please don't hurt me".

 

I said I'd try my best to never intentionally hurt her. I then made a bit of a sarcastic (but true) joke that I am a man, and at some point it's very likely that I'll do something stupid (but small) without knowing it hurts her. ( I tend to throw a little sarcasm into every conversations:p ) I said that I don't like not knowing when there is a problem, that I like communication, and that if somethings wrong, please tell me while I have the Chance to fix it.

 

I then said that if I hurt her (this was completely on accident) I'd tell her I loved her, ask for forgiveness, and try to fix it. I then realized I'd just said I loved her, and got really embarrassed:o . She was thrilled. She said in a really soft voice "you said you loved me".... I got more embarrassed, but them she said that she loved me as well, and had been trying not to say it so soon. I was feeling the same way, I'd almost said it on accident about 4 times.

 

Normally I'd never say that so soon, but it slipped out, and it felt right, so I went with it.

 

So, this felt like a good time to ask her to officially be my girlfriend. She of course said yes.

 

As of 1/20/06 BigB's 7 year single streak is officially over. I have a girlfriend. I've only known her in person for 7 day, she's cute, sexy, amazing, and I can't wipe this retarded dorky smile off my face .

 

It's gonna be quite a ride, it kinda feels like the uphill beginning of a roller coaster, I've got butterflies, I'm a little scared, I'm smiling, and I can hardly wait for the ride to start.

 

I'll post some updates soon.

[amerikajin]

BigB,

 

This is f*cking awesome, man. I wish you nothing but luck, brother.

 

All of the things you said...that's what a true love is. When you can just be yourself in a relationship and not put on aires, that's when you know you've got someone. Sometimes it takes a little while to really believe that you have a relationship like that, but when you do, it's a wonderful feeling. It means you can focus on what matters, as opposed to maintaining some image through games like being mysterious or waiting a week to call and crap like that.

[BigB]

Thank you man, I'm scared to be too happy because it's so new and so different, but it feels really good. I can't believe how lucky I feel right now.

 

She sent me a text message today that said "You're more than I ever could have dreamed of" :bunny:

[BRISEIS]

Well, I must say, impressive. Take things slow because hopefully, it will grow into something beautiful. Don't go too fast and don't be quick to let your guard down either. It is early into the relationship and I don't want you to really be digging this girl alot and something happens. (I hope not) You never know these days, so keep it up and remember to keep the challenges there occasionally so it will be more unpredictable because, as a woman, I like a guy who is a bit of a challenge, and I don't like guys who are too avaliable. Takes the fun out of it, as it may become too predicatable. So find ways to intrigue your new muse. She will appreciate you more for it. I promise. Be CREATIVE.

[blue16]

dude congrats, BigB, you're a pimp. Really happy for you and I hope everything works out - it certainly looks good so far.

[dnm1010]

So, BigB met a girl

 

She's really great, and I like her A LOT;). She makes me smile and I do the same for to her. We've been on 2 real dates, and spent a little time together almost everyday since we met.

 

I met her about a week ago. We were friends on the computer for a couple weeks before that. When we first met neither of us intended to be anything other than friends. In fact, I was hoping she had some friends so set me up with, lol. Now we're interested in each other.

 

We seem to have a lot in common, we're different, but in ways that so far seem to compliment each other.

 

We've both got a little bit of a rocky past, but we both seem to understand each other and accept that it makes us who we are.

 

We talked and both of us would like to take things slow and try our best to make things last.

 

Thing is, I've never really done slow. My past relationships (all 2 or so of them ) have been fast moving, and then crashed and burned.

 

Anyone got any tips on going slow? I'm not only talking about waiting a while to have sex...

 

How long should I wait before I ask her to officially be my girlfriend? (this is just symbolic really, I'm old fashioned about some things. She's not dating anyone else, and neither am I)

 

I thought it might be good to slowly introduce her to a few of my friends but not all at once, and I thought it might be good to wait a while before meeting each others family's.

 

We talked about spending a long weekend together sometime around her birthday in about a month, is it too soon for that? It doesn't feel too soon.

 

I'm 27, she's 25.

 

I guess I'm asking for help making sure I don't screw this up:rolleyes:

 

Thanks.

 

EDIT: Typo

i think the most important thing is to develop a frienship. for this to last she should be your best friend and you should be hers.

[BigB]

Thanks guys, I'm trying my best to be careful, to avoid some of my past patterns with women, and to just be myself.

 

It seems like some of my plans to go slow got a little skipped, but we talked and we both felt that the speed just felt right, nothing felt forced.

 

Our communication has been great so far.

 

We've still got a lot to learn about each other, but I'm gonna do my best to make this work and last. Oddly it feels like the best thing for me to do is just coast, let the relationship guide us, and not try to "win the girl" as I have in the past. Heck, I think I've already won her:o . I think in the past I've always tried too hard and come off as desperate and weak.

 

I need to continue to think about myself as well as her, let her be her own person and not try to take care of everything for her, she's a big girl and she can take care of herself. I think in the past I've been too giving too fast, I was always trying to rescue girls. She's a strong person, she can take care of her own life, and I feel ok letting her do that.

[BigB]

now I'm scared.

 

I really want to do this right.

 

What I meant by being myself instead of following past patterns is that in my past patterns I wasn't being myself. I was trying to be someone better than me, trying to hard to make girls love me. I was clingy, pushy, a doormat at times. When things didn't go right I'd apologize all the time.

 

I'm trying to be myself, without those things. Trying to act like I would around my friends, like I've got nothing to hide. I'm not trying to impress her, I'm not trying to plan perfect dates and buy her flowers all the time. I'm not calling her all the time, I'm not replying to her messages all the time. If I'm busy I tell her so. Most of our time together has been boring hanging out type stuff, watching movies, etc.

 

All of our talking via email before we met was friends stuff, chit chat. and most of our conversations have been about regular friend type stuff, but also mixed with the "compatibility interviewing" type stuff. "is your family religious?", "what do you do for fun?", "what did you do today?" type stuff.

 

If I'm doing this wrong, please let me know. I know I'm not perfect, I know I can royally screw up relationships, but I want to do this right while being myself.

 

As far as the long weekend I mentioned, we haven't made any plans to go on a trip. I thought about that, but haven't planned anything. Our work schedules are different, and so far we haven't been able to spend more than a few hours together at a time. I didn't want to have to work on Valentine's day (her birthday is on the same day) so I asked for a day off work and we talked about about spending that time together. I thought we'd go on a date that night, and just hang out the rest of the time. Go to the beach, walk my dog, see my friends, that sort of thing.

 

I value any input anyone has. I will take it to heart.

[BigB]

thank you, now I feel better

 

I keep having insecure moments and second guessing myself.

 

Going with the flow and letting thing develop at their own speed is what I think we've been doing. I was just trying to express that we aren't only doing mush romantic talking. We're having conversations about everyday life, and telling stories like you said. However, during those conversations I am asking questions, not interviewing just learning about her. I'm not rushing and asking for every detail, that's something I've done in the past.

 

Our email conversations weren't interviewing, we were making friends. We met on a website that's not dating oriented. Until we met in person we had no intentions of being anything other than friends. I was interested in dating her friends.

 

There will be no trip, but I think spending a few days together without one of us having to run off to work will be a lot of fun.

[BigB]

lol, oops. Insecure and defensive is something I do really well.

 

I'll keep the week thing in mind at all times. Keep my feet on the ground, my head out of the clouds, and my eye's open. Thank you.

[BigB]

Thought I'd post an update on this thread. I kinda forgot about it.

 

GF and I are at about 5 1/2 weeks "together" almost 7 weeks since we met in person (we talked via e-mail as friends for a couple weeks before we met).

 

So far things are great. She's becoming my best friend. The sex is amazing . We just click. We're having a lot of fun together. She's met my parents, they love her. I've met her Dad and Sister. (I held off on meeting family's for a while, but we both live with family so it had to happen) My friends like her, and she says her friends like me a lot.

 

We both took some time off around the 14th (her birthday) because we work somewhat different schedules and wanted to spend a few days together without one of us running off to work. On the 14th I surprised her at work with some flowers, we went out for dinner/drinks with another couple, and went to a movie. A couple days later we went to San Francisco to visit the aquarium and had dinner at my favorite Chinese place in China Town. I gave her a nice simple set of earing's for a birthday gift (something she'd mentioned needing). She gave me a nice zippo lighter engraved with my initials as a valentines day gift.

 

It's interesting to be falling for someone like this, it feels different. It's not that insane dramatic infatuation, it's slow, fun, and my head is clear about things. She makes me happy, she makes me smile, and I just enjoy being around her. I enjoy that I can be myself around her.

 

We had one small fight, hardly a fight really, just me screwing up. I'm afraid if getting hurt and have a hard time trusting people, I know she's been somewhat of a wild party girl in the past,(I'm no saint myself) and I said something that made her feel I didn't trust her. We worked it out though.

 

Anyways, thanks for the advise everyone.