sylviaguardian Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Sorry to bore you all with my constant dithering but I'm back again and I feel, nearer throwing in the towel than I have ever been. My husband had a long-term affair and I found out 18 months ago with several more d-days after. He continues to work with the OW because he cannot move job so easily. Instead of getting easier, things just seem to get harder. We can do 3-4 weeks without a blow-up then it all just gets to me again. In the in-between periods we are not lovey-dovey or anything, instead we are more like we have been for years - each doing our own thing really. I must admit my main motivation for trying to work things out is that I do not want my children to suffer. My husband has tried, I have not tried that hard because I am full of doubt and fear. I know what I have to do to make it work: forgive, meet his ENs, learn to trust. I have tried but I am not able to do those things. Are my blow-outs my gut telling me to go? I am so unsure. Sometimes I think things could be OK but then on days like today I just feel like I cannot spend the rest of my life with this hanging over me. I have never been so unhappy ever. But I know that life as a single parent ain't exactly going to be a walk in the park either. Any advice would be good.
littlekitty Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 My personal opinion, and I've never been married and don't have my own children, is that it is better for your children that you are happy and well in your own right, than that you stay in an unhappy situation in the mistaken belief that it's better for them. Children are inclined to pick up on the feelings far more than most people realise. They are probably aware there are problems? How old are they? I think you should concentrate on making a happy life for you and children. I'm not sure you can do that if you don't feel you can take the steps needed to move forward in your marriage. Good luck and my best wishes.
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Sorry to bore you all with my constant dithering. That's what we're here for. And you're not boring. Are my blow-outs my gut telling me to go? I am so unsure. Probably. But I don't let my gut make any important decisions by itself. Instead of getting easier, things just seem to get harder. My husband has tried, I have not tried that hard because I am full of doubt and fear. There's a guy called Gottman who has done a lot of research into why relationships stay together or break up. One of the things he says is that our attitudes to others have 2 possible modes - positive or negative sentiment overload. In the first, there is optimism in the relationship, it's easy to forgive faults and see them as aberrations. In the second, the dominant tone is pessimism and it is difficult to get past the bad. It's very difficult to switch between modes. But in your shoes I would try to find a way to override my gut and give the marriage a wholehearted try for some period like 6 months. If it didn't work after that, fine, move on. What would help you override the gut? Couples counselling for example?
Author sylviaguardian Posted January 19, 2006 Author Posted January 19, 2006 Thank you littlekitty. My children are very young but they have of course picked up on things. I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I grew up without a father for most of my childhood and it had a really big impact on me. Reluctant Romeo - you are so right, they are wise words. Right now I am in negative sentiment overload. I think of all the advice of deciding whether the cheater 'made a mistake' or whether it is a pattern. I think I have decided that it's a pattern (not that he has cheated more than once but he has 'omitted' to tell me things plenty of time when he thinks it will be an issue). I am so tired though. I have kept saying 'give it six months' all the time but the trouble is that I can't 'give it' anything of any substance. We get along pretty ok most of the time but I can't honestly say whether I love him or not. We are waiting for a counselling appointment but I don't hold out much hope of that changing things amazingly. I will look up the author you suggested - sounds interesting anyway. Sylvia
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Reluctant Romeo - you are so right, they are wise words. Thank you I am so tired though. I have kept saying 'give it six months' all the time but the trouble is that I can't 'give it' anything of any substance. I understand. I have a theory that in many areas of our lives too often we let situations struggle along indefinitely, whereas really we should make a concentrated effort to either resolve or drop them. "Do or do not. There is no try" - Yoda What could be done to give you the emotional energy to make one more push?
Author sylviaguardian Posted January 19, 2006 Author Posted January 19, 2006 "Do or do not. There is no try" - Yoda I too believe that Yoda is always right! Trouble is I read this the other day and it made sense too: "Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." -Yoda Bl**dy Yoda! What could be done to give you the emotional energy to make one more push? I have absolutely no idea. That is the trouble. Part of wanting to call it quits comes from a past history of staying in relationships that were well past their sell-by-date, if you know what I mean. I don't want to be doing that for the rest of my life. 1
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 I too believe that Yoda is always right! Trouble is I read this the other day and it made sense too: "Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." -Yoda Bl**dy Yoda! I think Yoda meant letting go emotionally. I sense the Buddhist notion of detachment in his words. Something I have not felt since... Anyhow, before the Jedi religion sucks this conversation into its vortex... Part of wanting to call it quits comes from a past history of staying in relationships that were well past their sell-by-date, if you know what I mean. I don't want to be doing that for the rest of my life. No, and I'm not suggesting you should. But you're doing it already. You have the worst of both worlds - you're still in the relationship but you're talking hopelessness and not trying. I would say that your gut is steadily sabotaging you and you're drifting helplessly towards a situation where the end of the relationship is a fait accompli. You need somehow to find the resources for decisive action. One last throw of the dice. A make or break. Or you look yourself in the mirror and say "I don't have what it takes to try and this once I'm actually going to be honest to myself and admit it"
Author sylviaguardian Posted January 19, 2006 Author Posted January 19, 2006 But you're doing it already. You have the worst of both worlds - you're still in the relationship but you're talking hopelessness and not trying. I would say that your gut is steadily sabotaging you and you're drifting helplessly towards a situation where the end of the relationship is a fait accompli. You need somehow to find the resources for decisive action. One last throw of the dice. A make or break. Or you look yourself in the mirror and say "I don't have what it takes to try and this once I'm actually going to be honest to myself and admit it" Oh, scary! You're absolutely right again. But this is where I waiver. How do I decide?
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Oh, scary! You're absolutely right again. But this is where I waiver. How do I decide? If you're not sure, I have found it to be a good principle of decision making that you try reversible options first, leaving the irreversible options for later. So I would set aside my feelings and try to make it work, since ending it is quite likely to prove irreversible. If making it work doesn't gel after 6 months you haven't lost the option of ending it. Btw, feelings can be *very* fickle. If you change your behaviour and thinking and the circumstances start to shift, you may well find that you feel very differently about the marriage. One way to help reset your feelings could be to change the circumstances. For one of my best friends, a period of a couple of months separation from his wife really helped. He moved out, she and the kids stayed in their house. They dated a couple of times a week and did couples therapy together. Things really changed for them.
Lil Honey Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Syvia: I didn't have a cheating husband, so I can't speak to that. But your words of feeling lost and indecisive, really hit home. I stayed for the kids and then they grew up. I then came to where you are. In all honesty, I could have tried - just one more time. I had to ask myself some questions. Would I be truely happy if we turned things around? Could I really be intimate with him the way we both deserved or would I be pretending? If I stayed would he ever feel like my husband or would he still feel like my brother? I knew that I could spend the rest of my life with him, but I wondered if I'd always wish that I left. I was tired. I had tried when he wasn't up to it. Now, that I was seriously thinking of leaving, I knew that if he tried, it would be too little, too late. Yet, there is a reason that the states have a waiting period before a divorce is final. Do you knw what I did during that waiting period? I got off the anti-depressants. And after all of that, I think RR is right-on in telling you to give it one more try. If you do that, you can look back and say that you did all that you could, no matter how it turns out.
Author sylviaguardian Posted January 22, 2006 Author Posted January 22, 2006 RR, Sounds all like good advice to but I would be reluctant to do the separation thing as I don't think it is good for the kids to go through that kind of trauma only for their dad to then come back at some point. I was thinking about what you said RR, either to decide I can do the things i know I need to do and do them or to decide I can't and move on. Think I am coming to the sad conclusion that I can't. We have been doing this for 18 months now. At first I was willing to try everything but as time went on and I discovered more and more lies, I lost motivation. Now, I know he's not lying but it seems to be too late. I've lost all respect. I guess I just need to get used to the idea first and then ease myself in gently.
Author sylviaguardian Posted January 22, 2006 Author Posted January 22, 2006 Lil Honey, I know where you are coming from. The day the kids leave home will just leave a big black empty hole for me. I am happy in every other way - job, friends etc but being at home with him just makes me feel so depressed. I have struggled with these questions too. I have asked myself whether I am depressed and not able to see straight. But when I am at work, i am fine - happy, outgoing, chatty. I wonder that if I ask for a divorce, will I regret it one day? I am certainly not thinking of another relationship anytime soon. I just can't see myself going from how I feel now to ever loving him with a free heart again. I think I will always feel that our relationship is a sham and that I am staying out of fear. Did you try again? Did it work? Or did you leave? Partly i feel like I just don't have the energy to try. Sorry if this is depressing and rambling. I am tired, I can't sleep and just feel so totally down. I can't seem to get past the conviction that the relationship part is dead in the water. Sylvia
whichwayisup Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 He continues to work with the OW because he cannot move job so easily. He has to try his best to get a transfer or get another job. If he did that, do you think things would get better? You aren't depressing, boring or anything like that. This is your life Syl and I think we all have so much respect for all the hard work you have put in past many months to try and get past this. All I can really say is, if your gut and your heart are screaming something, stop and listen to it. Take the time to really think. This is corny, but make a list. Write down all the positives and good things that your H brings into your life. Then write about the bad. Maybe some answers will come to you. Can I ask how hard he's worked at things? Has he met ALL your EN since D-Day? Don't think he should be letting things get out of hand till they blow up. Why isn't he doing all that is necessary to make YOU feel loved and secure so you can build that trust up again. I feel for you Syl, you've been through alot.
lilmoma1973 Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 My h cheated on me one time before and i know what you are feeling if you would like to chat pm me and we will talk about it..
theduke Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 A book I read had an exercise in it that directed you to list pros and cons and then helps you gain new perspective on your tough situations. You can check it out at http://www.tao3.com. I RECOMMEND IT WITH ALL THE EMPHASIS I CAN MUSTER. Good Luck to you dj
Wintersbloom Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 For what it's worth: I believe it is easier to move on...if the partner who has been unfaithful is open, honest and takes full responsibility for the current trust issues in the relationship. If the cheater tries to play down the effect of cheating, blame the faithful partner, or try to make it sound like there were "other problems" in the relationship...this one was only one of them. It seems more difficult for both to move on if it feels like a constant "blame game" because the cheating partner is unable or unwilling to accept his/her responsibility. *whew* Peace & Best Wishes! 1
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Think I am coming to the sad conclusion that I can't. We have been doing this for 18 months now. At first I was willing to try everything but as time went on and I discovered more and more lies, I lost motivation. Now, I know he's not lying but it seems to be too late. I've lost all respect. Well, this is fair enough. I don't blame you. You have all my sympathy - this situation sucks. Big hug (((( ))))
Owl Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Sylvia- Been a long time since you and I have exchanged advice my friend! Let me ask you this... What has your husband DONE to rebuild your marriage since all of this has occurred and been out in the open? Has he actively taken steps to reassure you that it's over and he's made changes to keep it from happening again? Have you ASKED him to do things along these lines in order for that trust to come back? I agree with the advice you've been given up to this point...you have to make a choice to either actively work to rebuild your marriage, or to work actively to end it. My wife faced the same kind of choice after she HAD her affair...the counselor was right in telling her that nothing will get better if she doesn't work to make it better. Think about this...and realize that I am NOT attacking you my friend...I'm confidant you've seen enough of my posts to know and feel this. But honestly, you need to realize that your marriage CANNOT get better until YOU DECIDE TO MAKE IT BETTER. It won't just magically fix itself on it's own...just doesn't happen. It requires work...and the very first step is in making the choice to do the work. Or not... The reason you're marriage hasn't gotten better is because you've not decided to make it so my friend. And it can't get better...until you decide to make it better. I know...remember, I've been in similar straights as yours. So...the choice is to either work on rebuilding what you've got, or ending it. I agree with the idea that you should give the rebuilding the first chance...because the other choice is far harder to recover from if it was the wrong choice. What can you do? Start dating your H again. Schedule time to just be with him...make talking about the A off-limits for both of you during this time for now. Just go and have fun. Get some individual counseling too. It does sound to me like you could be suffering from PTSD related to the affair...again, been there. You need to learn how to change your thinking habits so that you can deal with triggers that remind you of what happened...still doing that somewhat myself. Get to a good MC who can help the two of you to reconnect. And ACTIVELY work to make this happen...put all your effort into it. And...if you truly feel this is needed...set a time limit. Set a date that you need to sit down and look at how things are going, where you've come from...and review your choice then. If you're not satisfied that your marriage is recoverable by that date, then look at your other options. I hope this helps you friend. I have to admit that things aren't totally rosy for me all the time either. But...actively working WITH your H to do this can make a huge difference.
mopar crazy Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Sorry I haven't seen this post until now. I'm also sorry things are where they are for you right now. I agree w/ a lot of what wise Owl has said. I can't honestly say what I would do if my H still worked w/ the exOW. That alone would be extremely hard to handle. I don't know either if my M could of handled them still working 2gether. I can't tell you what to do, but whatever you decide I do hope you find happiness.
Author sylviaguardian Posted January 24, 2006 Author Posted January 24, 2006 Thank you all for your advice. I know you are all saying the same thing so I have to look inside myself and ask whether I want to make it work or not. Owl - where have ya been? Missed your sage advice! Don't have too much time at the moment - I need time to digest. Sylvia
lilmoma1973 Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Even though you h is saying that nothing is going on still the fact he is contact with working with OW is making you wonder if it is or not!! When someone cheats they have break all ties with the other person ,and the fact that he hasn't leaves doubt that he will stay faithfull and won't do it again!! If you need a friend pm anytime .. Hugs to you and what you dealing has to be hard !! You have to learn to forgive but forgetting i don't know one forgets what happens to the heart!!
Recommended Posts