Jane001 Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Hi everybody, First of all I would like to excuse me for my writing errors, but i'm from Belgium so English isn't my mother language... I'm a rather young girl (21) so I can understand that some people may take my situation not very serious. But I really need your help, because I don't know what to do anymore... 4 months ago I met a guy , he is a cyclist (and rather famous in our little country, so that doesn't make it any easier). He cycles for my father's team so I knew that he had a serious relationship of 6 years wen I met him the first time. So I did what every smart girl would do and didn't say a word of what I was feeling (It thought it was just a crush and it would go over as soon as it came). But guess again...! He asked my number at my father and I was just in heaven when he wrote me a message a week later. We send a few messages and after a couple of days we had a first date. I knew that what I was doing was wrong but something just told me that I had to take the risc. After that first date we saw each other every single day, we talked about everything even about his girlfriend. When he was abroad for a cycling countest I even flew to Madrid for him; were we spend 4 fantastique days, we didn't leave the hotel room and laughed, talked and even cried together. He told me he never met a girl like me and it was killing him that he was in a serious relationship while the woman of his live was single, he wrote me poems, took me to the beach with champagne, paid an orchestra to play me a song. And I.... I was in heaven, I tought I found my soulmate and didn't think of anything else. After those few days I was certain that he would leave his girlfriend for me! After Madrid we continued to see each other and he continued to tell me how wonderful I was, but... He started to talk about the fact that it was so difficult for him now to leave her because the cycling season started and he would be constantly abroad and he didn't need "braking-up problems" for the moment. I told him that I didn't want to be the second woman, and that I could not wate for him in this situation, so we wisely took the disicion to end this whole story.. BUT after 2 days we were hanging on the phone again... both crying like little children; we talked about it over and over again, but did not came to a conclusion. He tells me that he loves me but that he can not do it to her for the moment, he is bagging me to wate for him and promising me a serious realtionship as soon as the time is ready for it. But I just can't help feeling naive and stupid. I know he cares for me but this whole situation is making me ill, I can not think about anything else for the moment, and I can't stop calling him, sending him messages (cause he is abroad for the moment). I'm just not strong enough to stop this whole thing, to leave what we have for the moment.... I'm bagging you people please help me, than maybe I could see this whole story from a different angle... Thanks for taking the moment to read this and replie; Jane
d'Arthez Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Cycling is a tough profession. Especially during the season - (whenever that is for him, and that can vary from year to year). And you can hardly expect your girlfriend to follow you around for every competition - it simply would ruin her life. A complicating factor is the team for which he bikes. The more involved the two of you are, the harder it will be for your father to make decisions against your "boyfriend"'s will - as it may upset you as well. I would not rule out games being played in this situations. So yes, if your boyfriend is in such a profession, a serious risk exists for things like this happening. It is almost the perfect profession for short term affairs, with people being in a city for about a day, before having to bike to another. If he is cycling in the tour of Qatar or tour of Africa, I imagine you are not going to be there for him - but the temptation apparently exists for him to seek another woman. And you will probably never be certain of his fidelity again. He has a serious relationship with his girlfriend, but that does not even stop him from writing poems to you. How would you react if you were the girlfriend, and found out about such behavior? And why did he not simply break up with her, if the relationship was going nowhere? Could that be explained by his profession, and hence it being hard to lead a normal life? What makes you think it would be different for you, if you compare yourself with his girlfriend of 6 years?
Sami_D Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Hello Jane. d'Arthez has made some really good points about what it is like being involved with a sports person. I think you should take these on board, since that is what it would be like to be his girlfriend. And he has shown himself to be less than reliable at having a steady girlfriend if you cannot drop everything to be with him in hotels. You have your own life to live. The reality of daily life with him would mean you couldn't be there for him all the time - nor should you be. You need to know that if that is the case, then he won't be calling other girls. You are right to tell him you don't want to be the other woman. Don't let your soft heart allow you to 'wait' for him because he says he can't end this with his girlfriend. Are there children? Is their financial situation closely tied? He says he 'cannot do this to her' (ie. be honest, and leave) but he CAN entertain another girl in Madrid. Not nice. My suspicion is that he wants to keep her as a 'safety net' while he sees other women. Even if he is 'torn' and 'upset' ... that is what he is asking you. Don't buy into this romantic dream he has woven for you with dinners and orchestras. He is NOT about to make it real. What he was weaving was instead a hope ONLY for you that the future would be you two together. Tell him that when he is ready to make that a reality, he can call you again and talk about that. You don't need to listen to his problems... his problems are self-made. HE alone can solve it. Don't waste your tears on him.
HotCaliGirl Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 I wouldn't trust a guy who dates another girl while he is in a serious relationship. What makes you think you are the only other girl he is seeing and making feel special? What makes you think that once you are his "serious" girl (I don't think he takes relationships seriously), that he won't have other girls on the side? Also, that's a pathetic excuse he is using for not being in a relationship with you, by blaming it on his girlfriend! That it would be hard on her were he to break up with her. I think it's worse for him to be with her without her knowing that he is sleeping with another woman. He should tell her so that she has the option to leave his ass if she wants to. Unless he makes it clear that his intentions are to leave his girlfriend to be in an exclusive relationship wtih you , and give you an estimated time-frame when that will occur, I think you are only setting yourself up for disappointment. Since he works for your father, he might even be using you so that you can talk highly of him and he could race him more or whatever way he is able to benefit from your father, I am clueless about the cycling field. If eventually he does decide to be with you, could you sleep in peace while he is away, knowing 100% that he is not with another woman? I bet his current girlfriend suspects nothing is wrong with the relationship, after all she is the reason he is straight out giving you why he can't be with you, that he doesn't want to hurt her feelings! So he cares more about her feelings than yours, = he loves her more than you. Date other men and if he is serious about being with you, let things take their course but don't put your life on hold and all of your hopes into him. He is definitely not doing that for you. 1
Author Jane001 Posted January 19, 2006 Author Posted January 19, 2006 Thanks for your clear looks on this whole situation.... It's hard but I think It's the truth... It's only so damn difficcult to accept it! I don't want to believe he's like that, but I have to! It's a pitty cause I was completely happy before I met him, I had a couple of "good" friends, and didn't wanted a serious realtionships, with him I did... Any advices for a broken heart? And must I stop every contact with him now?? xxx Jane
Sami_D Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 I was completely happy before I met him, I had a couple of "good" friends, and didn't wanted a serious realtionship I know the feeling! 'Not wanting a serious relationship' is why a lot of women fall into this trap, I think. For me, I remember saying it out loud several times... I liked him a lot, but I wasn't scared of getting involved... because at the time I wasn't looking for anything serious. How to get over a broken heart, and back to that happy person you were? You're still that person. You just realise (?) that now, you are ready for something serious with someone. That's how I'm thinking about my situation. About not contacting him..? Most people here will say that you will get over things quicker if you 'go NC' (No Contact) with him. I would add to that that you need to be ready for NC before entering into it. Make sure that you are, explain why you're doing it (so he doesn't break the NC), and then stick to it. And don't beat yourself up if you make a few slips of contacting him along the way. Best of luck.
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