camel Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Hello all. During my last dating dilema, the people here served me well, let's see if you can do it again! My boyfriend ® and I have been together for 7 months, but for 4 of those months it has been long distance with only one visit. Recently he told me he loves me. Meanwhile, I met B. B & I have talked almost everyday since we met 10 days ago. We have hooked up (so yes, I cheated). He also lives away, but only 2 hrs away. Before he left last time, he said he did not feel right morally hooking up with someone else's GF. He said THREE times "why don't you just break up with your boyfriend". Today I spoke with B (we talk more than R and I do) and he said he wouldn't want me to break up with my boyfriend just for him. In the same conversation, he asked me to come and visit him. I do not think that R and I will get married, he is 18 yrs older than I am. I don't think I will fall in love with him either, but I can definately see myself falling in love with B. HELP!!!!!
cygny Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 What is stopping you from breaking up with R, then? Break up with him if you don't see it going anywhere, and you want your freedom. B wants you to break up because you don't love R, not as a cheating thing. Then, he may take it further (and sounds like he wants to). but don't get upset if it doesn't work out with B, what he's saying is, you can't blame him (B) for the breakup. that must be your decision.
Gator762 Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Yeah, the worst thing you can do is to continue to cheat on someone. You're also cheating on yourself, a shortcut to satify your own needs. You need to discover one man to do that, if you try to do it with two you won't really be close with either. And that's what true relationships are all about - being emotionally close to someone.
Author camel Posted January 19, 2006 Author Posted January 19, 2006 I guess I just want it all. R is coming back home in a month, but B will still live away. Plus, R and I have plans together to go to weddings, ect. I know that is not important, but it just makes it harder to leave something that isn't bad. It's not that I don't want to be with R, I just have a feeling that B may be "the one". Should I end a relationship if I don't see it going anywhere? Even if there is nothing wrong with the relationship?
SweptAway Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 " I guess I just want it all" Don't we all? But isn't that a bit selfish? You are going to wind up hurting everyone in this situation. If you continue to string B along, he will eventually bite back. He obviously wants to be with you, so he will get hurt if you either string him along or decide he is not the one you want to be with. What I don't understand is why you would stay in a relationship because it is convenient (you plan to go to weddings with him?Go stag it's not that bad). If you are looking elsewhere for what you are clearly missing, then is that not a BIG RED FLAG that there is something majorly wrong with your relationship? If you are sure you don't see it going anywhere, then yes, you should end it with R. Let him go find someone who IS sure they want to be with him. Sorry if this seems rather assertive but I was in B's position recently, got very very hurt and now have lost a very good friend because of it.
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Girl, it's so obvious. You don't stay in a relationship because it's "not bad". You don't feel strongly about R. Do the right thing, let yourself fall in love and go be with B. I already know that you know it's the right decision. (Poke-poke! You know you wanna!)
Jools Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 I guess I just want it all. I've pretty much just been in the place of B and ultimately she decided to stay with her boyfriend in my case, the 'will she wont she' went on for over a month in my case and believe me, it was agony, and now that i know it still is. It seemed to me that she wanted it all, me in the week, him at weekends, but it that just couldn't happen. I suppose the one thing different is that i was too nice in the whole situation, when she spoke to me about him i could have easily said why don't u leave him etc. But i suppose it just felt wrong, even tho it was the only thing i wanted. So i suppose my point is, whatever you do, don't drag things out too long coz it will hurt B the longer he has to wait. And if he has to wait a month and then hear bad news it will be much harder than hearing it straight away.
Author camel Posted January 19, 2006 Author Posted January 19, 2006 Yes, I am being selfish. The thing is, I don't really know if B wants to be with me or not. Last night he said not to break up with R on account of him, b/c he couldn't promise anything. Am I stringing him along? R comes home in a month. Maybe I should see how I feel about things with him then? Last night I asked him where he thought things were going, but he didn't really give me an answer and I didn't push the issue. I don't want to hurt him either.
CaterpillarGirl Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 Whether B wants to be with you or not is actually irrelevant to your situation. The question you are asking is "Should I break up with R?" Reasons to break up with him: "I don't see it going anywhere" "I don't think I will fall in love with him either" "I cheated" "I can definately see myself falling in love with B", another man Reasons to stay with him: "R and I have plans together to go to weddings, ect" "there is nothing wrong with the relationship" "I don't really know if B wants to be with me or not" "I don't want to hurt him either" It seems to me the break-up reasons are all serious issues, anyone of which would be enough for me to end a relationship. As for your reasons for staying, the first is trivial, the second is a lie, the third indicates that you are uncomfortable being single and just want a security net, the fourth shows some admirable concern, were it not for the fact that you've already set him up for heartache by cheating. Let R go, so he can find a woman who WILL love him and respect him.
Jools Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 Camel, If you want to wait till R comes back and see how it goes then tell B what you're thinking, it's only fair on him to know where your coming from and what's going on. Coz if you don't then he'll be hanging on, not knowing whats going. Just be honest with him about what your thinking.
Author camel Posted January 20, 2006 Author Posted January 20, 2006 "Whether B wants to be with you or not is actually irrelevant to your situation.The question you are asking is "Should I break up with R?"" I suppose this may be true, but the thought of breaking up with R never even entered my mind until I met B. I am very happy with R, I just don't see us getting married. I don't know if he does either. R may not see being with me long-term, I have no idea. So, I agree my reasons for not breaking up do sound superficial (I have been single for 2 1/2 years now). But breaking up was not a thought until B.
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 breaking up was not a thought until B. So you needed someone to trigger the chain of thought. Hey, whatever it takes to bring on the epiphany, it still stands that you should not be with R... that much is obvious...
cygny Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 i'm not sure you need to break up with R but you do need to get it clear that you won't be using him. if R and you are on the same page--ie this is a casual relationship and either of you may move on at whatever time for whatever reason--i think it's ok. if R is expecting more from the relationship and its future than that, i think you need to break up. you said he recently told you he loves you--that would indicate to me that he is more emotionally involved than you. if so, be upfront with R that you need to break up. it's not fair to string him along and use him.
Author camel Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 Well, looks like B may not even be in the question anymore. Haven't heard from him in days. Any suggestions as to how I should ask R how serious he thinks our relationship is?? I've tried hinting at the question, but he doesn't get it. I should definately wait until he comes home and ask him in person right?
Italianguy Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Hello all. During my last dating dilema, the people here served me well, let's see if you can do it again! My boyfriend ® and I have been together for 7 months, but for 4 of those months it has been long distance with only one visit. Recently he told me he loves me. Meanwhile, I met B. B & I have talked almost everyday since we met 10 days ago. We have hooked up (so yes, I cheated). He also lives away, but only 2 hrs away. Before he left last time, he said he did not feel right morally hooking up with someone else's GF. He said THREE times "why don't you just break up with your boyfriend". Today I spoke with B (we talk more than R and I do) and he said he wouldn't want me to break up with my boyfriend just for him. In the same conversation, he asked me to come and visit him. I do not think that R and I will get married, he is 18 yrs older than I am. I don't think I will fall in love with him either, but I can definately see myself falling in love with B. HELP!!!!! You cheated on him. I think you should tell him if you didn't so you don't ruin your life and HIS. 18 years older then you? That's very weird. If you break up with your bf for this guy, you have problems because of you listening as to what others say. Think for yourself and make the right decisions.
Author camel Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 Well, it's been days since I've heard from B. I think about him all the time. I want to call he all the time, but I don't. I guess he is not interested. I don't know the benefit of telling R. It will only hurt him. Now I think I need to see if he considers our relationship long-term or casual. Any suggestions as to how I should go about this??
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