maryanne Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. It's been a great relationship, happy and affectionate and all that. We live an hour apart from each other, so things have moved slowly since we really only see each other once or twice a week. A few days ago, I told him I love him. I was almost sure he would say it back, and I wasn't fully prepared for him not to. Well, he didn't say it back. He told me that he wasn't sure if he loved me and asked me if that was okay. I said yes (i could really say no without breaking up on the spot), but I asked if him loving me was within the "realm of possibility." He said yes, and i think he meant it. i hope. Since then, we have both behaved normally, but I'm on pins and needles and am quite unhappy. I don't want to pressure him, but I also don't want to be in limbo. How much time is reasonable to give him to think about this? He may or may not bring it up himself, so how much time should I let pass before I bring it up again? I'm afraid of hanging on for a way too long in a holding pattern, or giving up on the relationship way too soon. I don't really know at which point it becomes "if he doesn't love me by now, he never will." Can anyone help?
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 I don't really know at which point it becomes "if he doesn't love me by now, he never will." I think that point has come and gone already. A YEAR??? I could be wrong, but in my experience, love doesn't grow on you like that. He may settle into a comfort zone with you, but that's all it will probably ever be. You guys ever thought of jetting off for a romantic getaway? Maybe you just need to be exposed to each other for a few days straight to let the love blossom... It's not likely to work, IMO, but you never know...
centered Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 It took my guy 9 months. And we see each other nearly every day. After he said it a few times this past month, he's getting more comfortable saying it a bit more often. He also just bought me some beautiful red roses -- the first flowers he's ever given me. We've been together 10 months now. But I have to say, I also made the mistake of saying it first -- though I knew he wasn't prepared to say it back. He thought something was wrong because I would go quiet at times, and he kept asking what I was thinking. I'd say I'll tell you later. But he got very worried that something was really wrong in the relationship. So about 5 months in, he badgered me into telling him -- hardly romantic. And I was crying as I said it because I knew he wouldn't say it back. His response was, "I know. And that's so nice of you." :/ I rarely said it after that. And at 9 months, after a lot of unnecessary turmoil in the relationship caused by his trying to be the nice guy to every past woman in his life, I told him I wasn't sure we had a future if he still didn't know how he felt about me, and that I didn't want to pass up the chance to be with someone who could love me fully and completely with no reservations. The next morning, he told me. In the car, as I dropped him off at work. I'd like to think he didn't tell me solely because I'd put him on notice that a breakup was coming soon, but there it is. He's been really really trying hard to make up for the shabby treatment, and I have to say he's doing a good job now. Whether we make it or not, I want to see if he really is the one for me. I feel that he is, but it's got to be mutual. I've already figured out that I'm the strong one (emotionally) in this relationship, and that's too bad. I prefer the guy be the strong one. But maybe it's best this way. He can be the physically strong one, and I can take care of the matters of the heart. Anyway, ramble ramble. Good luck, Maryanne. Hang in there a bit longer. I suspect it takes some guys several months to process the fact that they no longer will get rejected if *they* say those 3 words to you. Guys really move slowly emotionally. They just aren't wired to process those feelings very well. They feel it, but putting it into words is so hard for them. Even the talkers have a tough time with those words.
Weye Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 I don't think love is something you can put a time frame on. You wouldn't want him to say the magic words to you before he was ready to would you? Give him time, don't push him. A romantic getaway is a great idea, every couple should have one every now and again. But there's nothing you can do to force him to love you.
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Centered, I think you got gypped. Of course he said it because you put the pressure on. You're not really going to trust the validity of a statement uttered after an ultimatum, are you? Problem is, I think when people have been together and fairly happy for a long time, they eventually find that the L-word is requisite, even if it's not technically how they feel. Especially if one partner said it first, because then the pressure's on. It's expected of them... Doesn't make it actual "love". Caring, tolerance, security, comfort, appreciation... that's all possible. But all that stuff doesn't add up to "love". Love, in the sense that I recognize, is obvious fairly quickly. A few months at the very most. No, there's no specific time frame for it, of course... but there comes a point where you have to wonder if you're already in the "comfort zone" and if the words would really mean anything at all, or are just spoken out of duty.
Maryanne Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 i won't presume to tell other people how they should "do" love. i certainly wasn't ready at just a few months. At that point i cared about him and was certainly infatuated, but I didn't know him well enough to trust him deeply enough to feel what I think of as real love. But that doesn't mean other people have to do it that way, just like I didn't have to decide at a few months. I said it when i felt it was true, and that's what everyone should do. That's why i don't want to rush my boyfriend into deciding what his feelings are...I'm trying to protect my own sanity by figuring out what my limits are. I just need a little help with that, and I'm hoping others' experiences can put my situation in perspective. Living in a bubble rarely does anyone any good, after all. Thanks so far for everyone's good responses. The differences of opinion remind me that I'm not crazy. I hope I can figure it out with everyone's help!
Lonestar Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Give him time, don't push him. It's been a year. If he hasn't said I love you yet, he's not going to.
flowergirl Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 If your boyfriend isn't sure after a year that he loves you, especially after you said it to him, then that's your answer. Sucks,I know, but although there's no specific time limit on the feeling, a year is more than enough time to develop those feelings. Don't waste anymore of your valuable time, go find someone who'll be sure after a few months, and will bursting at the seams to say it. Good luck.
Maryanne Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 if i was supposed to know within a few months if i was in love, it sounds like you're telling me that i'm not really in love with him, just because i didnt know after a few months. at that stage, i'm still infatuated, trying to build trust and get to know a person more. i guess i move more slowly than the rest of you...so why should i fault him for moving more slowly than i? i understand what some of you guys are saying, and it makes some sense. but i wasn't ready to say i love you after just a few months, and it would have scared me away if he had said it that early. so if i wasnt ready to say it until 11 months, is it really so bad to give him a little more time? in fact, i do plan to give him more time, i just don't know how much. i was hoping someone out there had been in a similar situation and could give me some kind of perspective or benchmark...
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 OK, let's set a totally arbitrary time limit on it. You told him already, so if he does indeed love you deep down inside and was just scared to admit it, he should now be able to get up the balls to do so within 3 months. If he doesn't, then will you take our advice and move on?
Maryanne Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 i'm sorry that you seem to have misunderstood me. i'm not looking to set an arbitrary time limit. that i could do on on my own. i'm looking to learn from others' experiences to get a feel for what my personal time limit might be. a ballpark to help me feel out my own situation, so i dont just sit around waiting to go crazy over it but still give him some time.
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