joefin Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Hi I started going out with my best friend of 5yrs a 1yr and 1/2 ago. We had the PERFECT relationship (in my eyes anyhow) until our 1 yr anniversary. We enjoy each others company/have the same work-life ethics/both passionate about similar things/could spend soo much time together and never get tired of each other/never really fought on anything.... the night of 1 yr anniversary he tells me its not going to work out - he needs time to think. Admits he doesn’t know if he can commit long term& give me what i want. I was gutted and didn’t know how to take it. Even though id never asked him to marry me in or anything like that i had given off the vibe long term that’s what id like in life. 1 month later he decides he is going to try commit to me long term. We got back together as normal and were happier than i could ever have imagined. 6 months later I’m late for dinner and he tells me to get out of his house and tells me I make no effort. He wouldn’t talk to me for days until eventually he phoned and said we would meet Wednesday. Wed came he phoned and told me he had tried so hard to make it work but he was sorry he couldn’t do it. The next day he admitted to me he has never loved anyone before and loves me but is terrified of letting me down. He admits he has a commitment phobia and is seeking professional help for a few months now. Stems for his upbringing. This may seem like the best situation that he is now dealing with this fears but I’m finding it very difficult & need help. He is not ready to talk about the sessions yet but talks to me everyday on the phone in general conversation like we always did. He does not want to go out like we did before because he does not want to give me false hope all will work out. Im finding this very difficult and don’t know what to do. I keep getting upset when he is not himself. I am seeing a selfish side to him when he brushes me off like i mean nothing to him. He lied to me once I know of which he would NEVER have before. I don’t know if he is trying to push me away or is afraid of holding on too tight to me..... To make matters the worst they can be right now I’m pregnant. Both of us would love kids but its not how we would have liked to bring a child into this world. (yes we talked about it before) He is away and not back till Friday so he doesn’t know yet and i don’t know how to tell him. Worst case scenario i will disappear for a few months and give the child up for adoption. This may seem ridiculas solution but i need to think what I am being the child into. If i cant give the happy the upbringing any child deserves right now i really have to think what is best for the child NOT me. If he is dealing with commitment phobia, I’m not coping too well with the way he is acting - i cant bring a child up in this type environment as much as it would hurt me to do something like this. Please someone give me advice on how to cope with my situation. I’m a professional young business owner with normally fairly level headed but right now i know i need advise asap or i will drive myself and those around me nuts with worry and end up loosing or damaging the poor child inside me too. mmm a LOT to advise needed here but any advise right now is what i need to settle me somewhat and figure out what I can do.
amerikajin Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 To make matters the worst they can be right now I’m pregnant. Both of us would love kids but its not how we would have liked to bring a child into this world. (yes we talked about it before) He is away and not back till Friday so he doesn’t know yet and i don’t know how to tell him. Worst case scenario i will disappear for a few months and give the child up for adoption. This may seem ridiculas solution but i need to think what I am being the child into. If i cant give the happy the upbringing any child deserves right now i really have to think what is best for the child NOT me. If he is dealing with commitment phobia, I’m not coping too well with the way he is acting - i cant bring a child up in this type environment as much as it would hurt me to do something like this. First things first, he needs to know that your pregnant. Immediately. Second, you need to discuss how you want to handle the situation with him. Don't fast-forward too far just yet, although it's right to consider your options at this point. Don't get into a discussion about who's fault it is. You're pregnant and both of you need to deal with it. Once you've gotten that out of the way, you two need to start deciding about your future together. If for some reason things don't work out between you two, then as far as the child goes, that's between you and God. You will have more time to consider options, and you may even want to keep the child as time gets nearer to his/her birthdate.
NatoPMT Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Hi Joe, i was going to say thats if hes frightened of letting you down, this is, i believe, a typical fear amongst committment phobes. His behaviour is typically committment phobic too, wont commit to you and wont commit to ending it either. Men have such enormous pressures on them. Those pressures may be self-imposed from seeing what other men have expected of them through family and media etc. It may be that your expectations of him make him terrified of failure and letting you down. Its often easier and quicker and less painful to not fix the problem with a partner, but to move on and find a new partner to repeat the problems with. If you werent pregnant, i would say you need to explain to him that you dont have those expectations from him - if thats true. You dont expect him to shoulder all responsibility, that you will be there to support him as much as him to support you, that you dont expect him to shoulder all the financial strain and that you love him for HIM, not for a future potential husband. hes not there filling a job that any man could do - ie job of long term companion, breadwinner etc, hes there because you want him. As you are pregnant, that changes what you need off him considerably. At this stage, i dont know if you can trust a committment phobe to say 'lets have this baby, i will be there for you' when the heat of the moment has passed, should he say that. He needs to know so you have all the facts before you can decide what's right for you. If you aren't prepared to look after this baby on your own, you have a slightly longer period of time to make that decision than if you were considering termination. Speak to professionals, find out everything thats involved in all the options you have. Involve him in those discussions and start the appointments with a clean slate and an open mind regarding the baby, but make the decision thats right for you as a single person, not you as half of a couple. Good luck
Author joefin Posted February 8, 2006 Author Posted February 8, 2006 Hi guys thank you soooo much for your replies. Im really sorry for the delay in getting back. I had some bad news week before last. I started bleeding and ended up loosing the baby so have been in hospital but all is well now health wise, apart from me crying my eyes out for days. Needless to say he obviously found out when the call from the hospital. There were some complications because it was an ectopic pregnancy. (outside the womb) He was very supportive because this is little dangerous if not found in time. He got a fright and he was by my side. Though it will take time to get over these things happen for a reason and i need to accept this. Almost uncomprehenable all that is going on right now but i REALLY appreciate your guys feedback. "His behaviour is typically committment phobic too, wont commit to you and wont commit to ending it either.".. this comment made me think how long i should stand by his side and be there for him while he tries to resolve his issues or will this ever end in his closure if he feels he really cant committ. I want to be there for him for as long as it takes but am i fooling myself thinking this will EVER be resolved? My main question Im asking is am i being selfish if i give up in a few months or does anyone out there think that commitment phobias in general can work through their fears. Should i listen to my heart and be there for as long as it takes. I think i would be able to cope with this if there was any hope that the man i love more than anything will ever get over this. "It may be that your expectations of him make him terrified of failure and letting you down." Would you have any suggestions how i should approach this with him in case this may be the case? I feel like im looking for all the answers outside working through it with him because im find it hard to know how best to deal with my situation. Im just finding it sooo difficult to know what i am meant to do. How can i best support him without him feeling im overpowering him with expections? Is there any hope out there this will be resolved?
flowergirl Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 Hi Joe: First of all, I am terribly sorry for your loss. May God take care of you in this difficult time. That being said, I really think right now that you need to take time out away from this person to help yourself heal from this experience, and to allow yourself to clear your head. I personally don't believe there's such a thing as commitment-phobia, I think that's just an excuse to run away from somebody. If you really want to be with someone, you will work throught whatever issues you may have with help, and not use them as an excuse to not be in a relationship with them. Good luck, and I will kep you in my prayers.
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