Thoughts

[Lifequestions]

I’m hoping to just get some people’s thoughts on a series of related scenarios that have happened recently. I’m unsure how to feel about them. 
 

Last week I went on a trip and got very sick. My boyfriend didn’t come with me. He stayed home. He told me he would make sure the house was clean when I got home so I wouldn’t have to do anything. This was really sweet as I didn’t think I would be able to come home and clean the whole house while still recovering. As I’m writing this I still don’t feel recovered all the way. 
 

So, he picks me up from the airport and we go home. I’m drained and just want to lay down but I quickly unpack my stuff. As I do I notice there are several things (about half the tasks) that got missed when he cleaned. He got a little upset that I started cleaning but it needed to be done. We both started our work weeks the next day. I usually make lists for the cleaning but it was obvious stuff and we’ve lived together for over two years. I was a little frustrated he couldn’t have referenced an old checklist after telling me he would make sure I didn’t have to do anything and I could just rest. 

I spend most of the rest of that day and the next two evenings after work sleeping I could not stay awake. By the third da, Wednesday I was feeling better enough to ease back into going to the gym with my mom and eat when I got home. I told my boyfriend this. My boyfriend usually plays video games while my mom and I are at the gym. I detest being home while he does this, the way he and his friends behave when they play, the things they say make me feel really uncomfortable. He know this and all I ask from him is that he play while I’m away (which he and his friends did the whole time I was gone) and that they plan ahead so I can make plans to be out of the house. On this night before I left for the gym I told him I would be home at 7ish. I try to do this to give him time to get off the video game before I get home. While at the gym I missed a text from him asking if he could play games with a friend. When I got home exhausted and looking forward to a meal for the first time in 5 days they were playing. He said it wouldn’t be much longer so I said good because I was hungry, exhausted, and having super bad period cramps. I offered to take our dogs on a walk while he and his friend finished. They finished an hour and a half later. I stayed out the whole time because although I was doubled over crying from the pain and exhaustion and it was cold it was still the far better option than being home while he plays games. It hurt my feelings though that he knew I wasn’t feeling good and wanted to come home but still played for another hour and a half after telling me it wouldn’t be much longer. Especially after they had spend many evenings over the last week playing. He’s done this before when I haven’t been sick and I’ve expressed how it is better if they can make plans ahead of time so I can make plans too. Maybe I’m overreacting?
 

I just can’t help but feel if our roles were reversed I would have had a warm bowl of soup waiting when he got home from the gym and knowing he was still recovering I wouldn’t have even considered playing games with a friend. I would have wanted to eat with him, see how he’s doing, and take care of him. 
 

So, now I need people’s thoughts please and thank you. 

[Gebidozo]

It was very inconsiderate of him to keep playing while knowing that you were tired and needed to rest at home.

It is generally quite strange that you stay outside when he is playing video games with friends. What exactly makes you so uncomfortable that you can’t even be in the same apartment with him when he is doing that?

 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

It is generally quite strange that you stay outside when he is playing video games with friends. What exactly makes you so uncomfortable that you can’t even be in the same apartment with him when he is doing that?

I don't quite get this, either. Are you trying to prove a point by refusing to be home with him when he's gaming? What's the reason you refuse to even be in another room?

It seems both of you are contributors to the strange and strained dynamic between you, OP. I am also guessing there's a lot of backstory underpinning this. He was not being very considerate, and you were blowing it out of proportion and blaming him when you did not literally need to be outside the house the entire time. 

 

Edited yesterday at 06:20 AM by ExpatInItaly

[Carlston]

If you're going to stay with this child get a good set of headphones and play music or a podcast while you're home to block out the juvenille stupity.

In fact you can specifically listen to infomercials about how to choose better partners.

[Lifequestions]

Thank you for your thoughts and opinions. 
 

Yes, I understand it is odd that I don’t want to be home while he plays video games. We have tried many many times over the 2+ years we’ve lived together for both of us to be there and it just doesn’t work, especially if he is playing with friends. He doesn’t realize how loud he is when he plays and I can’t handle the outbursts of yelling. It sets me on edge and I the clicking of the keyboard/mouse drives me insane. I’ve tried a different kinds of “noise canceling” headphones but nothing blocks it out. I don’t feel comfortable at home when he plays I cannot find a way to relax. It makes me anxious the rest of the day and then he gets angry that I’m anxious and don’t want to hang out. Our solution we agreed to is that he would play when I’m not home, that way we can both be happy. I don’t mind if he wants to play, I just ask that he plans a little ahead to give me time to figure out something to do. I have no problem going out or to family/friend’s houses for a while. I’ve told him before I think it’s good that we have our own hobbies. I think it’s healthy. 

[Carlston]

2 hours ago, Lifequestions said:

Our solution we agreed to is that he would play when I’m not home, that way we can both be happy. I don’t mind if he wants to play, I just ask that he plans a little ahead to give me time to figure out something to do. I have no problem going out or to family/friend’s houses for a while. I’ve told him before I think it’s good that we have our own hobbies. I think it’s healthy. 

The two of you have attempted to work out an alternating schedule to use the living room so as to avoid one another due to your dislike of his childish games, and also to give you alone time in the living room so you both have much needed space. On the face of it, that's a good idea however there are multiple issues here but the biggest is that the schedule isn't leaving enough time for the elephant.

[Acacia98]

If I were in your shoes, I would end this relationship. Your partner isn't the most considerate person in the world. You could say he tries. But he sounds like a little kid who's doing a few nice things to please mummy so that he can go back to being the little boy who can just focus on enjoying himself. And you seem to lean a bit too much towards sacrificing your own comfort. Kind of like a mother.

You'd be better off with someone who was as empathetic and considerate as you.

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, Lifequestions said:

Yes, I understand it is odd that I don’t want to be home while he plays video games. We have tried many many times over the 2+ years we’ve lived together for both of us to be there and it just doesn’t work, especially if he is playing with friends. He doesn’t realize how loud he is when he plays and I can’t handle the outbursts of yelling. It sets me on edge and I the clicking of the keyboard/mouse drives me insane. I’ve tried a different kinds of “noise canceling” headphones but nothing blocks it out. I don’t feel comfortable at home when he plays I cannot find a way to relax. It makes me anxious the rest of the day and then he gets angry that I’m anxious and don’t want to hang out. Our solution we agreed to is that he would play when I’m not home, that way we can both be happy. I don’t mind if he wants to play, I just ask that he plans a little ahead to give me time to figure out something to do. I have no problem going out or to family/friend’s houses for a while. I’ve told him before I think it’s good that we have our own hobbies. I think it’s healthy. 

I still find it strange.

I’m a lifelong gamer, and I assure you that it is possible to play games in a much quieter way than he does. If he does realize how loud he is, you should tell him that. And being angry at you because he caused you anxiety with his noise is messed up.

And another thing, Why do you need time to figure out where to go every time he plays video games? Why isn’t it the other way around - he adjusts his video game sessions to your schedule?

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't this relationship working out. 

You two don't seem to like each other that much. You are really over-reacting to his gaming, in my opinion, and unless you have sensory issues in other areas of your life you are choosing to make a mountain out of molehill. At the same time, he is not very sensitive or mindful. 

If I had to guess? If you were happier in general in the relationship, his gaming wouldn't be this much of annoyance to you. It reads to me like you are not happy or fulfilled and are at that point where were sometimes land in which the smaller annoying habits become bigger dealbreakers because we are not in love anymore. The point in which the way they blow their nose or eat their chips or scroll on their phones grates at the soul. 

That's usually how we know it's time to say goodbye.