My daughter refuses to forgive her older sister who is a recovering addict

[heartbrokenmom]

Hoping to gain outsider’s advice on my sad family situation.  My youngest daughter is getting married in 2 months, and has not made ammends with her sister who has caused SO MUCH TURMOIL in our immediate family over many years.  Older daughter (will call her OD), finally hit rock bottom a year ago when she ended up in prison.  At age 14 she went down the complete wrong path, and basically caused havoc in the entire family.  She made horrible choices, stole, lied about everything, and was an addict.  Her Dad and I also divorced.  For any parent who loves an addict, it lead to excruciating heartbreak for us.  She was almost killed at age 18 (bad car accident), and we all supported her and prayed for the best and a much needed change.  OD graduated from ultrasound school, got a great job, and lived on her own.  Shortly after, old habits came into play and my youngest daughter (will call her YD) stopped all contact.  They have barely spoken in 6 yrs.  
It has been over a year since OD made a complete turnaround and is sober.  She has a job and an apt she lives in with her boyfriend.  She has shown remorse, written letters to everyone, and reconnected with everyone but her sister.  YD said she “needs more time” the last time I brought it up.  Am i wrong to be angry?  In my opinion, YD is being very judgemental……thoughts?

[Sanch62]

4 hours ago, heartbrokenmom said:

In my opinion, YD is being very judgemental……thoughts?

Judgmental isn't a word I'd throw around because you're doing it yourself.

You haven't lived YD's experience, and it's not your place to impose a timeline on her ability to forgive.

[Carlston]

Am I wrong to be angry?

What a silly question.

If people say "no you aren't wrong" then you'll stay angry and feel ok about it?

If say, 5 people say "you are wrong to be angry" will you stop being angry or stay angry and feel bad about it?

What's your cutoff in terms of votes

[theperfectlife]

Wow Good point thank you.I shouldn't say angry, mostly very sad and wanting reconciliation for them!

Is this not a forum to get some support??

In my experience, there is a tough crowd out there

21 hours ago, heartbrokenmom said:

Hoping to gain outsider’s advice on my sad family situation.  My youngest daughter is getting married in 2 months, and has not made ammends with her sister who has caused SO MUCH TURMOIL in our immediate family over many years.  Older daughter (will call her OD), finally hit rock bottom a year ago when she ended up in prison.  At age 14 she went down the complete wrong path, and basically caused havoc in the entire family.  She made horrible choices, stole, lied about everything, and was an addict.  Her Dad and I also divorced.  For any parent who loves an addict, it lead to excruciating heartbreak for us.  She was almost killed at age 18 (bad car accident), and we all supported her and prayed for the best and a much needed change.  OD graduated from ultrasound school, got a great job, and lived on her own.  Shortly after, old habits came into play and my youngest daughter (will call her YD) stopped all contact.  They have barely spoken in 6 yrs.  
It has been over a year since OD made a complete turnaround and is sober.  She has a job and an apt she lives in with her boyfriend.  She has shown remorse, written letters to everyone, and reconnected with everyone but her sister.  YD said she “needs more time” the last time I brought it up.  Am i wrong to be angry?  In my opinion, YD is being very judgemental……thoughts?

 

[Sanch62]

3 hours ago, theperfectlife said:

I shouldn't say angry, mostly very sad and wanting reconciliation for them!

I hear. What we want for a loved one isn't always the best path for them.

While YD may feel resentful and ripped off of a happy family life, or heartbroken by losing her relationship with her sister, or deprived of her parent's attention in the wake of all the chaos, one barrier to forgiveness she may not have overcome is a lack of trust and overpowering fear of having her heart broken again.

We can speculate, but we can't know the mix and the depth of another's feelings and perceptions and wounds. Attempting to characterize YD's position is unfair, as would be an expectation that she bounce back according to any timeline you've assigned for her.

My heart goes out to you. I'd be careful with this and avoid trying to broker the outcome you desire. Love requires respect. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Your younger daughter is under no obligation to forgive the older daughter.  She may well do so, and it will be on her own timetable. Addiction disrupts the lives of everyone in a family. Everyone is scarred.

Any kid in a family where another kid is an addict (or seriously disabled) will get far less time and energy and focus with the parents that the troubled kid will get.  In other words, your younger daughter was likely neglected by you and your ex--and it's likely the case that she still feels neglected---here is mom asking her to hide her feelings and compromise for the addict. What do you think younger daughter has been doing all her life?!

And me calling out neglect is not a criticism of you. Parents HAVE to be preoccupied with the addict. The addict is in danger of destroying their own life.  

Most likely younger daughter needs to work through anger at you and her father for neglecting her. It’s sometimes harder for young people to get angry at their parents. So she’s focusing on the sibling.  But look, even now mom is being preoccupied with the wellbeing of the addict. Please stop trying to persuade the younger daughter to change her feelings. 

And do some reading. You sound like you don't understand the devastating effect those years of addiction had on your younger daughter.

 

 

 

 

[ShyViolet]

On 4/19/2026 at 4:43 PM, heartbrokenmom said:

 Am i wrong to be angry?  In my opinion, YD is being very judgemental……thoughts?

You being angry about this is pointless.  They are both adults and it's not your place to force YD to forgive her sister and accept her back into her life.  It will happen whenever YD is ready.  You just need to back off and let them live their lives.