About to get married and found out my partner has never been attracted to me and has never enjoyed sex with me

[JohnGoober]

K and I have been in a relationship and it was mostly long distance, meeting every 2 to 3 months. She is wonderful, our values are similar, she is genuine, down to earth and considerate and I was always relaxed spending time with her.

Our sex life was active in the beginning but she always required lube and no matter what I tried nothing changed. She dismissed exploring anything new together. I always asked if I was doing anything wrong and genuinely tried to improve. As a result, it started to make me feel anxious wondering if she enjoys or not. 

She finally moved here permanently and we plan to marry next month so she can apply for a partner visa - something she cannot obtain on her own. After she moved here the physical side declined significantly because of what I learnt from her. When I finally asked if she enjoys sex she told me she doesn't - she does it to make me happy. When I asked if she finds me attractive she told me she never has found me (when she first met me) physically attractive and still doesn't find me attractive. She has never felt physical desire for me but loves me for my personality and says she can compromise on attraction and physical enjoyment for the rest of her life. She also takes medication for depression and bipolar disorder and has acknowledged she felt more arousal before starting medication two years ago - but still considers this my problem to deal with, not hers. 

When I raise how important physical desire and intimacy are to me in a marriage she tells me I am being superficial and complaining. Now whenever we try to have, I cannot shake this feeling that, she’s doing all of this to satisfy me. 

I love her and we share values and life goals. But knowing she has never desired me and is willing to tolerate rather than want our physical relationship has made me lose interest entirely. I never feel desired or wanted. We need to get married in less than a month but knowing attraction is only one sided is making me have second thoughts. If I don’t proceed with it, she may have to go back to her country (Taiwan) and I feel immense guilt if I did this to her. 

I feel conflicted. She is a good person. But I am scared and hesitant about a marriage where my partner has never felt desire for me and believes that is not something worth addressing. Am I wrong to feel this way? Is physical attraction and desire a reasonable expectation in a marriage?

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, JohnGoober said:

She is a good person.

Are you sure? It seems she is marrying you for one specific reason: 

1 hour ago, JohnGoober said:

we plan to marry next month so she can apply for a partner visa - something she cannot obtain on her own

This isn't going to work out well, in the end. She isn't marrying you for the reasons you want to marry her. This is quite clearly transactional for her.

1 hour ago, JohnGoober said:

If I don’t proceed with it, she may have to go back to her country (Taiwan) and I feel immense guilt if I did this to her. 

You wouldn't be doing anything to her. This would be a marriage of convenience on her part and I seriously doubt she wasn't aware of the risk that you would not want to marry her if you woke up and smelled the coffee. 

My strong advice? Absolutely do not marry her. It will be a miserable marriage for you and she isn't likely to stick around for the long-term. My guess is that she would wait a few years until she isn't dependent on you for paperwork/permission to stay in the country anymore, and then end the marriage. 

[introverted1]

What country are you in?  In the US, when someone applies for a partner visa, the citizen agrees to be financially responsible for that person for a period of 10 years. There may be similar or more extensive requirements where you live.

I think this woman has been very clear with you that you will be committing to a largely sexless marriage (until/unless she wants children, in which case there will be a period of increased sex, likely followed by a complete shut down of activity).  You can talk about this all you want, but she's made herself very clear.  Her interest is in the visa, not you. 

[introverted1]

3 hours ago, JohnGoober said:

Is physical attraction and desire a reasonable expectation in a marriage?

p.s.  YES

When you marry, you are restricting all future sexual activity to your spouse (absent alternative lifestyles).  When one partner suggests, as your fiancée has, that sex will be off the table, you are essentially committing to foregoing sex for the rest of your life (absent cheating or aforementioned alternative lifestyles).  The sex you are getting now, in the so-called honeymoon period, is the best, most frequent sex you will ever have with this woman.  She knows she has to provide some minimal level of sex in order to get you to agree to marry her.  Once that's done, I'd be shocked if the door didn't slam shut on sex altogether. 

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, JohnGoober said:

But I am scared and hesitant about a marriage where my partner has never felt desire for me and believes that is not something worth addressing. Am I wrong to feel this way?

Absolutely not.

Please don’t marry her. No happiness can ever come out of a marriage that is not only sexless but loveless. You don’t owe her anything,

[JohnGoober]

7 hours ago, introverted1 said:

What country are you in?  In the US, when someone applies for a partner visa, the citizen agrees to be financially responsible for that person for a period of 10 years. There may be similar or more extensive requirements where you live.

I think this woman has been very clear with you that you will be committing to a largely sexless marriage (until/unless she wants children, in which case there will be a period of increased sex, likely followed by a complete shut down of activity).  You can talk about this all you want, but she's made herself very clear.  Her interest is in the visa, not you. 

Australia. 

She doesn't deny me sex, she says - "I can do it whenever I want" and because she doesn't deny me sex, she cannot understand "what the problem is". Also, I'm not too sure how interested she is in visa. Whenever I try to talk about this, she blames it on my body, poor performance, or not lasting long enough or says things like "but people love in different ways". I'm not sure if she is really with me for the visa. 

[introverted1]

7 minutes ago, JohnGoober said:

Australia. 

She doesn't deny me sex, she says - "I can do it whenever I want" and because she doesn't deny me sex, she cannot understand "what the problem is". Also, I'm not too sure how interested she is in visa. Whenever I try to talk about this, she blames it on my body, poor performance, or not lasting long enough or says things like "but people love in different ways". I'm not sure if she is really with me for the visa. 

I don't know the visa laws in Australia but I suggest that you should review them carefully.

She doesn't deny you sex because she wants to seal the deal.  But there is no way that a woman who tells you frankly she does not find you attractive, is not aroused by you, and only has sex to appease you, is going to ever be a satisfying sexual partner.  The fact that she doesn't see what the problem is when she effectively allows you to use her body as a source of masturbation should be setting off alarm bells for you. 

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, JohnGoober said:

Australia. 

She doesn't deny me sex, she says - "I can do it whenever I want" and because she doesn't deny me sex, she cannot understand "what the problem is". Also, I'm not too sure how interested she is in visa. Whenever I try to talk about this, she blames it on my body, poor performance, or not lasting long enough or says things like "but people love in different ways". I'm not sure if she is really with me for the visa. 

Whatever reason she is with you for, it isn’t love.

She honestly told you she wasn’t attracted to you. If she still wants to be with you and is fine with having sex with you, it means that she is using you.

It doesn’t matter what she is using you for, whether it is visa, money, security, stability, etc. The important part is that she isn’t in love with you. If you stay with her you’ll be feeling more and more miserable and unhappy,

[Lotsgoingon]

Absolutely end the relationship. OMG, if you go forward you are in for a world of pain, stabbing, humiliating, insulting pain and self-rejection if you marry someone who has no attraction to you. Marriage, at its best, is about being with some who we know totally admires us and has our back. And we totally admire them. Being attracted to each other is FUNDAMENTAL. 

You cannot force attraction. Randomly, or in the right circumstances, it MIGHT grow. But she's already spent time with you. You guys have spent lots of time together. If it ain't there now, it ain't gonna come. I know her words must have hurt, but dude, she is doing you a huge favor by coming clean.

Get out now. Do NOT marry. 

Your doubts are wise and important. Get out dude! And by the way, next time you date, YOU can really figure this out without the other person saying it. 

Going forward with the marriage would be wrong. 

[Sanch62]

15 hours ago, JohnGoober said:

...We need to get married in less than a month

No, you don't. Why throw away your goal of finding the RIGHT lifetime partner for mutual attraction and desire just to get used by someone to gain documentation?

What do you get from this arrangement?

I'd tell her to find someone willing to settle for less than what you want and deserve.