About to get married and found out my partner has never been attracted to me and has never enjoyed sex with me

[JohnGoober]

K and I have been in a relationship and it was mostly long distance, meeting every 2 to 3 months. She is wonderful, our values are similar, she is genuine, down to earth and considerate and I was always relaxed spending time with her.

Our sex life was active in the beginning but she always required lube and no matter what I tried nothing changed. She dismissed exploring anything new together. I always asked if I was doing anything wrong and genuinely tried to improve. As a result, it started to make me feel anxious wondering if she enjoys or not. 

She finally moved here permanently and we plan to marry next month so she can apply for a partner visa - something she cannot obtain on her own. After she moved here the physical side declined significantly because of what I learnt from her. When I finally asked if she enjoys sex she told me she doesn't - she does it to make me happy. When I asked if she finds me attractive she told me she never has found me (when she first met me) physically attractive and still doesn't find me attractive. She has never felt physical desire for me but loves me for my personality and says she can compromise on attraction and physical enjoyment for the rest of her life. She also takes medication for depression and bipolar disorder and has acknowledged she felt more arousal before starting medication two years ago - but still considers this my problem to deal with, not hers. 

When I raise how important physical desire and intimacy are to me in a marriage she tells me I am being superficial and complaining. Now whenever we try to have, I cannot shake this feeling that, she’s doing all of this to satisfy me. 

I love her and we share values and life goals. But knowing she has never desired me and is willing to tolerate rather than want our physical relationship has made me lose interest entirely. I never feel desired or wanted. We need to get married in less than a month but knowing attraction is only one sided is making me have second thoughts. If I don’t proceed with it, she may have to go back to her country (Taiwan) and I feel immense guilt if I did this to her. 

I feel conflicted. She is a good person. But I am scared and hesitant about a marriage where my partner has never felt desire for me and believes that is not something worth addressing. Am I wrong to feel this way? Is physical attraction and desire a reasonable expectation in a marriage?

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, JohnGoober said:

She is a good person.

Are you sure? It seems she is marrying you for one specific reason: 

1 hour ago, JohnGoober said:

we plan to marry next month so she can apply for a partner visa - something she cannot obtain on her own

This isn't going to work out well, in the end. She isn't marrying you for the reasons you want to marry her. This is quite clearly transactional for her.

1 hour ago, JohnGoober said:

If I don’t proceed with it, she may have to go back to her country (Taiwan) and I feel immense guilt if I did this to her. 

You wouldn't be doing anything to her. This would be a marriage of convenience on her part and I seriously doubt she wasn't aware of the risk that you would not want to marry her if you woke up and smelled the coffee. 

My strong advice? Absolutely do not marry her. It will be a miserable marriage for you and she isn't likely to stick around for the long-term. My guess is that she would wait a few years until she isn't dependent on you for paperwork/permission to stay in the country anymore, and then end the marriage.