Not sure where to take our relationship from here

[CruiseMissile]

Sorry is this isn't in the right place, but I wanted to cover a lot of areas

For a few years now I have been in an awesome relationship with a much older woman, like literally more than twice my age.

I want to clear about something, is that I started the relationship, I was a horny teen and I had the hots for her, and I went after her.  A couple of times she wanted to break it off, and I begged her to take me back, and each time wore her down.  So I don't want people saying she took advantage of me.
It started when I was just a horny teen, and mostly I was just addicted to the sex.  And I guess the comfort.

My mother was never very "nurturing" was pretty much over being a mum when I came along, etc, etc.  So yeah, I think I can admit that there has always been a bit of surrogate-mum about this.  She's a wonderful mum and homemaker, great cook, loves people, and so yeah having her look after my every need has been like heaven.
She has two kids, daughter and son, around 6 & 8 years younger than me.  They figured out what was going on, pretty early on, and I think that them being less freaked out, was what cemented the relationship.  (Their dad was an arse, who cheated and abused, so I think they saw it as their mum getting herself some.)  Once they were ok with it, I moved into her bedroom.

We hang out a lot as a family (a bit less as they're getting older) and NGL the dynamic is a little weird.  For them I'm always the big brother, even when their mum is on my lap, and when we go out in public it seems I'm more like the eldest son.

It all started out with me renting her "garage" to live in (it was close to Uni) and she needed the cash, and we keep it secret so as far as anyone knows I'm still living in the "garage".
We're both religious and go to church, and yeah the fact that we're sinning has always been an issue.
I've been out of Uni and working for almost a year now, and the money has really helped. Eventually me still "living in her garage" was going to become an issue, but we have bigger problems

I'll admit that at first it was just horny sex, then I guess a very comfortable selfish setup.  I know it sounds crap to say that I love them all, but I can't imagine a life without her and her kids.
So whilst I supposed I always thought you know "one day..." about kids, I got comfortable with the idea that maybe that was never going to happen for me. 

Early on I used condoms, and then for a while she used a thermometer, but for some time now had stopped ovulating (according to her cycle/thermometer.)  Which made sense as he's in her mid 40's now.  Except that now she is pregnant.  And already a couple of months along.  Her periods had been getting longer apart and less intense, so she wasn't even sure at first.

So this creates so many problems for us.
For starters, she feels extra guilty and that this is somekind of punishment for our sin. And it's not obvious in public yet, but she is just horrified about the shame it will bring.
She gets a little clingy and weepy at times, and needs comfort, so in some ways this is bringing us closer together.  
And in private she has a little belly, and boobs are more sensitive and stuff, so I find her even more beautiful.  And I can make do with just cuddles.

She is like really worried about the risks to the baby, given her age.  Plus given her obsession with punishment, she's worried the baby will have Downs or something.
We decided to tell her kids, and honestly I was shocked how totally onboard they were.  I think that them being thrilled for her, is the only thing keeping it together for her.

I have been giving this a lot of thought, and I'm just laying out options here, so please don't get all judgey.
And yeah, if you just feel the need to tell me that I'm stupid, and selfish, and immature, I know, so don't bother.

1. I get down on both knees, propose, and insist we get married.  
   I'm too young to get married and I'm too young to be a Dad.  But I can't imagine my life without this incredible women, and fatherhood is happening whether I'm ready or not.  I will go to our Priest, take responsibility, and do whatever I need to do to make this right.  
   I know that she will resist this.  She feels she is too much older, for a permanent relationship, but I can be very persuasive.
    
2. I could go to our priest, confess, and then leave.
   She will be a wonderful mother, and I feel she will get more support if I'm cast as the only guilty party.
   (And when I say confess, I mean lie, say it was once off, and that I pushed myself on her.)  I feel she'll get support if she is seen as a victim.
    
3. She goes "travelling" for 6 months and we see what happens.
   But it's not like there's a cover story.
   And the big risk I see with this, is what do people normally think if a 16yr old girl suddenly turns up with a "baby sister"??
    
4. We change nothing and just weather the storm.
   Thing is I know her, I know that she will feel ashamed, and she will withdraw, stop going to Church and stop seeing her friends.
   And the other thing is, that I will happily move out of her bed, and even her house, to remove the stress and "stain of sin", until we can be married.  But I don't want to leave her alone, and uncomforted, any longer than I have to.

But also NGL, but we could have a great life together.  Most grads like me are still living with their mums, or in share houses, because rents are insane in our city.  With her house, and my income, we could be set for life.  He kids will one inherit the house, but that gives me plenty of time to save and invest.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't get it. 

You've been together for years now, but still most people think you are just her tenant - is that right? 

I am going to assume that's because of the legal hot water and greater judgement she fears she could face if people found out this relationship started when you were a teenager and she was an adult. Have I got that right? 

[CruiseMissile]

18 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't get it. 

You've been together for years now, but still most people think you are just her tenant - is that right? 

I am going to assume that's because of the legal hot water and greater judgement she fears she could face if people found out this relationship started when you were a teenager and she was an adult. Have I got that right? 

what is your problem?

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, CruiseMissile said:

what is your problem?

Your post is not clear. 

If you don't wish to clarify what the current situation is and what problems you're facing exactly, we can't help you. It seems you don't want to respond to simple questions to help us better understand your issues. 

 

Edited 10 hours ago by ExpatInItaly

[Anonymous]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

If you don't wish to clarify what the current situation is and what problems you're facing exactly, we can't help you. It seems you don't want to respond to simple questions to help us better understand your issues. 

LMAO

Like you've ever tried to help anybody.
Do you not understand that just one click shows anyone all the "help" you have given?

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This isn't going to work out well, in the end. She isn't marrying you for the reasons you want to marry her. This is quite clearly transactional for her. You wouldn't be doing anything to her.

You need to recognize your own role in the dysfunction first. This is not all about women using you and taking advantage of you, though that very much seems to be the narrative you've sold yourself and are gripping onto very tightly

Equine manure. This doesn't wash. It's just a convenient excuse (again) to carry on this nonsense. If she were so terrified of risking her reputation, she wouldn't be carrying on a secret affair in her fiancé's home to begin with. You are just as selfish as she is.

She's a skilled liar, too. You know this better than anyone. No, you're really not. You're showing her you don't have any self-respect. I'm a woman too, and we don't find doormats cute. Wrong again

I am going to assume that's because of the legal hot water and greater judgement she fears she could face if people found out this relationship started when you were a teenager and she was an adult. Have I got that right?

Neither of you is healthy on your own. Together you are a powder keg. This isn't going to work out the way you want it to. It's up to you how much time you want to waste on this dead-end.

You're going around and around and around in circles, repeating all the same things you have said multiple times in your previous thread

You seem to be interpreting this as a signal of....something. It's nothing.

So, nothing new here really. Same dysfunctional mess as before

Where are your standards, girl? This guy is a clown. Don't let poor-quality men into your life

Calling the poster's comments paranoid suggests that you likely have not done your research on the legal ramifications of your idea

That's exactly what i think is going to happen. It seems this was coming for a while even though he didn't let on, and he let this end without expressing regret that it's over. If you are hoping to hear a glimmer of hope, I would save yourself the heartache and not meet up. I don't think the conversation is going to do anything but hurt you even more

You realize that she doesn't love you though, right?

I don't think it would get you anywhere, honestly. If someone's feelings have changed due to a past break-up like that, apologizing and expressing regret aren't likely to move the dial. The ship would probably already have sailed, in other words. I doubt it would make his desire return. But again, nobody really knows if that's what led to this. I would be surprised if the past break-up had nothing to do with it at all, but there could well be other factors. I would not text him

I am astonished and concerned you don't see any connection. Your partner has some serious parenting problems with her teenager and lack of appropriare sexual boundaries with her all around. She isn't a great mother now, and you're wanting to introduce another child into this. Whatever you do, I would not spend a ton of money on any of this.

Do you think he saw your first break-up coming? I wonder if that hindered his ability to really let his guard down with you thereafter. Those sort of breaks/break-ups can change how we see someone and affect our feelings for them.

Is your partner financially dependent on you? It doesn't only involve social media, though. All she needs to do is say something to someone else and you might be getting a call from the local police department wanting to chat with you about suspicions of sexual impropriety. Frankly? Your partner sounds like weirdo. This isn't normal behaviour for a mother at all.

Go to your own bed now." "Put clothes on."

You lack a spine, and are thus tacitly agreeing to sexually inappropriate behaviour as well. There is a wide margin between being a dictator and not allowing a teen girl to prance around naked and get in bed with you, for heaven's sake. You know this. The whole dynamic among the three of you is very concerning. All it will take it for your reckless step-daughter to let it slip to a friend that she sometimes sleeps naked with her step-dad - how do you think that is going to be.

People like this don't make for good partners in the long-term. You're seeing why

That's a question for a lawyer in your own jurisdiction. None of us here will able to answer that for you. Sorry, but given the serious issues outlined in your other thread with her sexually-inappropriate teen daughter and her own complete lack of boundaries - do you really think this is smart?

None of this is normal whatsoever. It's not about having a liberal attitude towards nudity or cultural difference - it's about a young girl with inappropraite sexual behaviour and a mother who enables that. I am shocked you're still dating this woman. I would have ended it at the first sign that mom was such a piss-poor parent.

I think you know deep-down that he was indeed hoping to date this Hannah woman. Despite how he tries to spin this to make himself look better and to avoid hurting you further, it's evident that the truth actually is. The question is, do you feel you can continue the relationship knowing this

I would be insulted that he thinks you're naive enough to believe this. He's full of equine manure, girl

You clearly don't really believe that, though. And frankly, neither would I.

I see a man making excuses to save his own skin, a man who lacks the maturity to take real accountability for his own behaviour.

Does this sound like something a well-adjusted, emotionally healthy and stable person would say?

It's all there for anyone to read.  Like page after page of hatred, bitterness, and angry spew.  Your clearly a very disturbed and nasty person.  
You should look into therapy instead of spewing your s*** here

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, Anonymous said:

LMAO

Like you've ever tried to help anybody.
Do you not understand that just one click shows anyone all the "help" you have given?

It's all there for anyone to read.  Like page after page of hatred, bitterness, and angry spew.  Your clearly a very disturbed and nasty person.  
You should look into therapy instead of spewing your s*** here

Dude, you sound completely unhinged, bordering on deranged.

@ExpatInItaly gives some of the best relationship advice around. If for some reason you don’t like it, politely say “thank you” for the free advice and walk away.

You come here for help and then start insulting people like this out of the blue? What the f*** is wrong with you?