Crossroads

[preston88]

I guess I will start at the beginning. My wife and I just celebrated our 7-year anniversary although celebrated maybe a bit of a stretch. I will start by acknowledging that even when we were dating, she has never been an overly warm and fuzzy or affectionate person. Lot of it probably do to Childhood trauma which we won't get into. I definitely felt like she showed me love and kindness though otherwise I obviously wouldn't have asked her to marry me. We also not only had sex on a regular basis but she was more adventurous and initiated it a lot of the time. 

 

Fast forward several years, we have kids, jobs, and all of the stresses that go with both. I went back to school to get my Nursing degree and so for two years of which, a lot of the responsibilities of running the house fell on her when I wasn't home. Between working, school, and clinicals, I was gone quite a bit. Our marriage definitely took a hit during this period but I feel like we were too busy to acknowledge it. I graduated a little over 2 years ago and for the last year and a half I have been really concerned about the state of our marriage. I started reading books on relationships including the five love languages, started going to church again which is important to me as is doing my best to live the best life that I can as well as being the best man, husband, and father that I can be.

 

My love language is physical touch and hers is acts of service although anything that I try to do to serve her either seems like it's not enough or it's not what she needs. When I ask her what she needs she tells me that she doesn't know. I've been direct and explicit with what I need from her and it feels like she may puts in 30% effort for a short period of time but then complains that why is she going to put an effort when it feels like I'm not but she can't even tell me what it is that she needs for me to do to make her feel loved. About a year ago I started on testosterone replacement because I had been chronically low for several years. My health was put on the back burner just because, like our marriage, it was an afterthought with everything else life through was throwing at us. I got back into the gym, Lost probably about 50 lb of fat, put on a lot of muscle and while I still have work to do, I look pretty good if I do say so myself. I want to be healthy for me but also I want my wife to be attracted to me. I don't feel like any of the efforts that I have made have made the slightest bit of difference.

 

We are both doing therapy individually and for the last 5 months have been seeing a marriage counselor together. I tried to really be open and here what she has to say and I really try to take to heart the things that are said in our therapy session. I don't know if she does the same I thought that she did but she said the other day that she's only going to please me which I told her is absolutely not the right reason to be going. Bottom line is I'm depressed although I think that I hide it really well. It's just to the point where I would rather you at work than at home the kind of life that I've ever wanted to live. I want her to want me and I want things to go back to how they were before at a bare minimum. Like I said even though she's never been overly affectionate or warm and fuzzy, she was obviously kind enough and loving enough that I wanted to marry her. I also want her to initiate intimacy, wear lingerie, the adventurous, all of the things that she would do before. He hasn't done any of that for years and the only time that we have sex now is when I initiate it and it's like pulling teeth which is frankly degrading to me because I shouldn't have to convince my wife to have sex with me. According to the Bible and frankly I feel like it's good marriage advice in general, if one party is wanting to have sex, the other person should just do it even if they're not into it because obviously it doesn't take more than a few minutes to get into it. That goes both ways. Especially since starting on the testosterone, I feel a heck of a lot better than I have and a really long time and it definitely helps in the bedroom, at least it would if it weren't like pulling teeth. I send her relationship video, suggest we read the same relationship books, and she just cant be bothered to do anything extra which to me says that she doesnt care to. 90% of the time when I try and kiss her she turns her head away and if I ever just try and touch her, she always has a reason why she doesnt want me to. 

 

I try to be kind, I get her starbucks every morning, offer to rub her feet or back rather often, have planned several date nights over the last 6 months, and none of it seems to make any difference. I asked her if she thinks we can get things back to how they were before and she said maybe If I can make her feel supported and do more but again, she cant tell me exactly what she needs.  Im honeatly wondering if ahe even wants me or if she ever will again. Im 37 and she is 38 so we are still pretty young. I would do whatever I can to keep this from ending but I dont want a roommate, i want a loving wife and I cant help but feel like she doesnt love me.

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, preston88 said:

According to the Bible and frankly I feel like it's good marriage advice in general, if one party is wanting to have sex, the other person should just do it even if they're not into it because obviously it doesn't take more than a few minutes to get into it.

I’m sorry, but I don’t think that’s a good advice, and it’s also factually wrong.

Even as a man, I sometimes need more than a few minutes to get into it. Women often need longer time.

And when they aren’t in the mood, they aren’t in the mood. The last thing you want to do then is coerce her into sex or try to tell her that she is supposed to reciprocate just because the Bible advises it.

 

6 hours ago, preston88 said:

90% of the time when I try and kiss her she turns her head away and if I ever just try and touch her, she always has a reason why she doesnt want me to. 

Maybe that’s because she feels that would necessarily lead to sex, which she isn’t in the mood for.

 

6 hours ago, preston88 said:

I asked her if she thinks we can get things back to how they were before and she said maybe If I can make her feel supported and do more but again, she cant tell me exactly what she needs. 

It is possible that the support she needs is you lowering the pressure to have sex.

Edited 20 hours ago by Gebidozo

[preston88]

I appreciate the input. I certainly don't try to pressure her but also I can't change what my fundamental needs are. I don't want to just do it just to do it. That's how I feel closest to the most connected to her is through physical touch weather sex or otherwise. Also, I don't think there's anything wrong with a man wanting to have sex with his wife. I'm certainly not trying to make it in everyday thing. I could see how something like that would be a lot of pressure but to want to be intimate with my wife even just a couple times a week doesn't seem like it should be a big deal. I'm not trying to be argumentative, I just can't change the way that I feel although I don't try to pressure her. If I don't make the effort for it to happen when it does, it will never happen and that's not a marriage that I'm willing to be in

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, preston88 said:

I could see how something like that would be a lot of pressure but to want to be intimate with my wife even just a couple times a week doesn't seem like it should be a big deal.

It is a big deal if she doesn’t want to do it that often.

There are many couples who have sex less often than twice per week, especially if they’ve been together for several years and have kids.

[introverted1]

12 hours ago, preston88 said:

If I can make her feel supported and do more but again, she cant tell me exactly what she needs.

Does your wife work?

Are you an equal partner in the home, eg., carrying half the mental load?  Or are you a "helper," who relies on your wife to do all the heavy lifting of figuring out meal prep, shopping, kids' vaccinations, birthday parties, PTA meetings, etc., while adding to her load by asking her to tell you what needs to be done?

[preston88]

23 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

It is a big deal if she doesn’t want to do it that often.

There are many couples who have sex less often than twice per week, especially if they’ve been together for several years and have kids.

We dont have to put a number on it but its about having a physical connection which does mean more than just sex. So yes, it is that big of a deal. I certainly an not going to apologize for wanting to have that connection to my wife. If I feel that connection through physical touch thats just what it is and Its not intentional.  If I could just not feel the way I do, I wouldn't. 

[preston88]

10 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Does your wife work?

Are you an equal partner in the home, eg., carrying half the mental load?  Or are you a "helper," who relies on your wife to do all the heavy lifting of figuring out meal prep, shopping, kids' vaccinations, birthday parties, PTA meetings, etc., while adding to her load by asking her to tell you what needs to be done?

I think that she feels like its mostly on her but I do a lot. I cook dinner every night, have her coffee from Starbucks every morning, take care of household tasks, plan vacations, take the kids to their storting events, ext. The financial stuff mostly does fall on her because she already had a lot of financial irons in the fire when we met and it's just easier for it to remain that way since she is more in tune with everything that's going on. That being said, we both work full time and think about the same amount so both of our paychecks go towards paying all of the bills. I do try and do as much as possible around the house, but I know she thinks its not enough. 

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, preston88 said:

We dont have to put a number on it but it’s about having a physical connection which does mean more than just sex. So yes, it is that big of a deal. I certainly a not going to apologize for wanting to have that connection to my wife. If I feel that connection through physical touch thats just what it is and Its not intentional.  If I could just not feel the way I do, I wouldn't. 

I don’t mean that you should apologize for wanting to have more sex with your wife, not at all.

The problem is your apparent conviction that she is supposed to want it as much as you do. You perceive her refusals as personal rejections because you think that if she doesn’t want to have sex it means she doesn’t love you.

But that doesn’t necessarily mean that. You should analyze your relationship as a whole and see whether her love is manifested in other aspects besides sex. And then have a talk with her without even a hint of entitlement or pressure, and together figure out what exactly makes her want sex less.

[preston88]

I see what your saying. I think that she does believe that she shows love in other ways but if you're "showing someone love" in a way thats not their love language or in a way that doesnt speak to them, it still leaves the person feeling like they're not loved. Her love language is acts of service so If I tried to show love through quality time with her, its not going to hit home.