Being overwhelmed with life choices, stagnation, and fear

[EveningEmbers]

I would describe myself as someone who is ambitious, with many interests and just as many talents.

When I last posted here, I was in my early 30s and the world seemed bright and ripe with opportunities.  At that time, I had just started a new job at a good company while still having time to pursue my passion of portrait photography as a hobby.  I travelled a lot for my job to beautiful destinations and also dated around a lot more.  I even became close with a few women with whom I photographed - likely owing to them feeling my passion for what I do and in spending time with them.  A lot of the photography sessions were fun and light and felt like dates.

However, I became especially discouraged after a woman I really liked spending time with rejected me.  I didn't think much of it, and refocused my energy on myself and my career. Career-wise, I worked in an industry that I liked but was stuck (and retained) in a role where I have developed a decade of skills.  After several years in this role, my career was full of travel, which kept me busy - too busy to spend more time on my passions.  I feared stagnation a lot as my role was too niche, and planned to find my next role.  After all, I had worked in several industries at this point, and was able to make a successful transition each time.

Eventually, the perfect storm hit when a new boss who I did not see eye-to-eye with took the reins. I was forced out of my role at the onset of covid, and while it felt like a blessing, I had nothing else lined up at the time.  At the advice of my longtime close friend, I switched careers into his field with his help.  He promised a flexible, remote work lifestyle that pays well with abundant work everywhere.  Today, 5 years later - although his outlook was somewhat true, and although I could do the work well enough, this new career has not excited me whatsoever, and the pay is no better than my old job despite requiring constant skill-up and being quickly displaced by AI.  The only reason that I stayed in this new job was because it afforded me the flexibility and time to ramp up my photography passion into a career in the last few years while I worked remotely 5 days a week. 

And yes, I made good momentum in this regard. However, part of it felt like a lie.  My passion in photography was in creative portraiture and fashion, but these spheres feel impossible right now to make a living in with AI taking over.  I tried to make the best of it by venturing into the adjacent sphere of wedding photography, which I can do competently and tastefully, but it is really a second best option.  While I am still working my day job, this goal of trying to turn my "passion" into my day job has been rocky, and the few bookings that I have this year and the lack of progress are making me anxious.

I had just turned 41 this year and I can't help but feel overwhelmed with my life choices.  At this age, I am still single, working a mediocre day job from home 5 days per week with no human contact, few friends and not much of an active lifestyle.  I just feel old, unaccomplished, and with nothing to show for.

What's more, photography of weddings does not keep me energized.  I have been putting the work in, but this year, I finally feel exhaustion. With time quickly slipping away, and along with it, the optimism that I had in my early 30s.  I miss the person that I was, and all the time that has passed.  I'd love to hear your advice.