Sudden and unexpected breakup

[LauraXX]

(Very) long-time member, but I haven’t posted for a while. After being single and on the apps for 15 years (interrupted by several chaotic situationships that were the reason I ended up on this forum), I finally met someone last year in May. We made it official in June and have been together for almost a year now. There was a relationship hiccup in October, when I had doubts. The reason was that my life is quite busy and he had the feeling I wasn’t making enough time for him. That in return led to me feeling a bit claustrophobic, so I asked him for a break to think things over. After a few weeks we decided to give it another try and since then I’ve really been trying to incorporate him into my life and to show him, that he means a lot to me. Over Easter we went on our first week-long trip together and it was lovely. We talked about the future, decided to go on holiday again together in late summer so I could meet his family. After many years, I finally felt happy, safe and secure in a relationship with a man.

Then yesterday evening we had planned to meet. I told him I’d come to his place after work but he suggested meeting at a café instead (first sign something was off). We had a glass of wine and he seemed distant the whole time. Afterwards, while we were walking to his place, he suddenly said: “I have to ask you something.” For a millisecond I thought he was going to suggest moving in together. But he said: “Do you sometimes feel like this feels more like a platonic friendship? Because I do.” That was a complete shock. I told him that to me it 100% never felt that way. And I asked him if he wanted to break up. He was hesitant. I said: “I can deal with relationship ups and downs and we can work on anything. But I need to know that you still want to make this work. I wouldn’t want to be with somebody who’d rather not be with me.” He said “Do I have to answer that right now?” I said “Yes, preferably – as you’re leaving for a business trip tomorrow and I’d rather have clarity before. And then he just said: “I’m sorry.” Turned around and left.

 I haven’t slept all night and feel completely devastated. Now I’m at work, trying to get through the day. I had a big party planned for the weekend and I invited 40 people. They’re all going to ask where he is. Right now I can’t see myself going through with that. I miss him. I want him back. I can’t even fathom having to go back on the apps at almost 50. I’m sick of dating and I just want to finally find my person. I don’t think I’ve ever been so sad. Sorry, I know this is not really a question. I just needed to write this down somewhere ☹

[Carlston]

3 hours ago, LauraXX said:

. I can’t even fathom having to go back on the apps at almost 50

My dad was married 3x and did the online dating thing until his early 80s at which point he finally gave up but hey he tried.

My sister is 64 and she's back at again after yet another relationship failure. Her odds are slim but that's because of the type of person she is inside and how she looks on the outside.

My point being 50 is young compared to what other people go thru. You can do this, and it's better to be single then to be with the wrong person for the wrong reasons.

[Sanch62]

I'm sorry you're hurting. Sounds like this guy held an ideal of what he wanted romance to be. When he attempted to play that out with you, it felt suffocating, and you needed a break. When you came back, your definition of all-in was comfortable for you, but it still wasn't enough to make his pictures happen.

This is unfortunate. Sometimes two people care for one another but their ideals clash. In his case, it sounds like he is more about his agenda than appreciating you as a person, so it really is better to find this out now, while you have plenty of time in front of you to find your right person.

Head high.

[LauraXX]

Thanks for your replies. I really appreciate it. It was such an abrupt, out-of-the-blue ending that I just can't wrap my head around it. It happened in the middle of the street and the whole conversation didn't take longer than 5 minutes. And there we no signs at all ... I just don't get it. I'm so tempted to text him, tell him that I respect his decision if he really thinks that something is missing for HIM and HIS feelings are too platonic. But that for me it definitely wasn't platonic and that I'm sorry if I gave off the wrong "vibes". Maybe it's a cultural thing? He's from Southern Europe. I'm from Northern Europe and people have told me before that I can come across as aloof. I've been so close to tell him "I love you" several times in the past months, but I somehow really wanted him to say it first. Since he doesn't have close friends or family where we live I was the one who initiated all of these important "relationship steps" (like introducing him to my friends, to family members, taking him to a work event etc.). So I thought saying "ILY" first was something that HE could do. Now I regret it. 

[Carlston]

It wasn't an abrupt out of the blue ending for him. People can do a really good job of disguising their feelings and motivations right up until the time they make their move.

I suggest you try to let go and accept you'll never get the answers and get to a place where it doesn't matter. 

[IrishDU]

Sorry, that sucks.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, LauraXX said:

It was such an abrupt, out-of-the-blue ending that I just can't wrap my head around it

Do you think he saw your first break-up coming? 

I wonder if that hindered his ability to really let his guard down with you thereafter. Those sort of breaks/break-ups can change how we see someone and affect our feelings for them. 

[LauraXX]

15 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Do you think he saw your first break-up coming? 

I wonder if that hindered his ability to really let his guard down with you thereafter. Those sort of breaks/break-ups can change how we see someone and affect our feelings for them. 

Maybe not the break-up, but he definitely sensed that something was wrong and called me out on it. That's when I realized it wasn't fair to sit this out and that I had to make a decision. But I'm an open book and I can't pretend that everything is fine when I'm having doubts. That's what makes this situation so hard for me to understand. Just one week ago we  were on this trip together and everything was completely normal. There was nothing off about his behavior. 

Back then we were no-contact for about two weeks. Then he texted me that he missed me and wanted to see me. I told him that I missed him, too and that I would really like to see him - but that things hadn't changed for me and I wasn

[LauraXX]

Sorry, pressed enter to soon and for some reason I can't edit or delete the previous posting. Here's what I wanted to say:

 

Maybe not the break-up, but he definitely sensed that something was wrong and called me out on it. That's when I realized it wasn't fair to sit this out and that I had to make a decision. But I'm an open book and I can't pretend that everything is fine when I'm having doubts. That's what makes this situation so hard for me to understand. Just one week ago we  were on this trip together and everything was completely normal. There was nothing off about his behavior. 

After the break-up in October we were no-contact for about two weeks. Then he texted me that he missed me and wanted to see me. I told him that I missed him, too and that I would really like to see him - but that things hadn't changed for me and I wasn't ready to get back together. So we met a few times just for coffee and to catch up. And after a while it became clear that he actually wasn't fine with the whole "not ready to get back together" thing. So we had another serious conversation where I told him that I REALLY needed time and that hanging out as friends had been a bad idea. After that another month or so of no-contact during which I thought a lot about him, my own fears and avoidant behavior etc. And I realized that I really, really wanted him back and give this relationship another try. So I texted him, thankfully he didn't tell me to f** off and leave him alone (which would have been understandable), and about a week later we were back together. So yes, I get the whole "not being able to let his guards" down thing. My sister has the same theory. But on the other hand I really tried to show him how important he is to me and I know that he saw my efforts. One time I had to cancel one of our date nights and I told him that I was very sorry about that. He said "No worries, it's totally fine." I said "Yes, but I feel bad. I'm really trying to make an effort this time and show you that this is important to me." And he said "I know, I can see that. And I appreciate it." I just don't understand it

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, LauraXX said:

Just one week ago we  were on this trip together and everything was completely normal. There was nothing off about his behavior. 

Maybe he's met someone else. 

[LauraXX]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Maybe he's met someone else. 

I honestly don't think so. But I'm apparently not very good at reading people. So who knows. 

[introverted1]

On 4/9/2026 at 3:57 AM, LauraXX said:

There was a relationship hiccup in October, when I had doubts. The reason was that my life is quite busy and he had the feeling I wasn’t making enough time for him.

He's been feeling uneasy since October, no doubt heightened by the fact that you then had a break up and spent 1-2 months apart (not clear on the timeline here -  you had a few weeks apart being friends and then a month of NC is what it seems like).

7 hours ago, LauraXX said:

So yes, I get the whole "not being able to let his guards" down thing. My sister has the same theory. But on the other hand I really tried to show him how important he is to me and I know that he saw my efforts. One time I had to cancel one of our date nights and I told him that I was very sorry about that. He said "No worries, it's totally fine." I said "Yes, but I feel bad. I'm really trying to make an effort this time and show you that this is important to me." And he said "I know, I can see that. And I appreciate it." I just don't understand it

He can understand your actions intellectually but still feel unsettled emotionally.

I think it's possible you underestimated the impact of your "hiccup."  Yes, he took you back but that can be for myriad reasons, not necessarily that he is ready or able to pick up where he left off.  You took that time in October to seriously contemplate whether you could make room in your life for this man.  He likely took that time to feel baffled and/or hurt. Perhaps he thought he would be able to carry on as before and only recently discovered that he could not. 

ETA:  I am a woman, but I would have a very hard time coming back from a break where a man told me he did not want me in his life (for whatever reason) and then reversed himself.  

 

Edited 16 minutes ago by introverted1

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

He can understand your actions intellectually but still feel unsettled emotionally.

I think it's possible you underestimated the impact of your "hiccup."  Yes, he took you back but that can be for myriad reasons, not necessarily that he is ready or able to pick up where he left off.  You took that time in October to seriously contemplate whether you could make room in your life for this man.  He likely took that time to feel baffled and/or hurt. Perhaps he thought he would be able to carry on as before and only recently discovered that he could not. 

I think is the plausible explanation, yes. 

It likely hasn't been the same for him since you ended it with him those months ago, OP.