Sudden and unexpected breakup

[LauraXX]

(Very) long-time member, but I haven’t posted for a while. After being single and on the apps for 15 years (interrupted by several chaotic situationships that were the reason I ended up on this forum), I finally met someone last year in May. We made it official in June and have been together for almost a year now. There was a relationship hiccup in October, when I had doubts. The reason was that my life is quite busy and he had the feeling I wasn’t making enough time for him. That in return led to me feeling a bit claustrophobic, so I asked him for a break to think things over. After a few weeks we decided to give it another try and since then I’ve really been trying to incorporate him into my life and to show him, that he means a lot to me. Over Easter we went on our first week-long trip together and it was lovely. We talked about the future, decided to go on holiday again together in late summer so I could meet his family. After many years, I finally felt happy, safe and secure in a relationship with a man.

Then yesterday evening we had planned to meet. I told him I’d come to his place after work but he suggested meeting at a café instead (first sign something was off). We had a glass of wine and he seemed distant the whole time. Afterwards, while we were walking to his place, he suddenly said: “I have to ask you something.” For a millisecond I thought he was going to suggest moving in together. But he said: “Do you sometimes feel like this feels more like a platonic friendship? Because I do.” That was a complete shock. I told him that to me it 100% never felt that way. And I asked him if he wanted to break up. He was hesitant. I said: “I can deal with relationship ups and downs and we can work on anything. But I need to know that you still want to make this work. I wouldn’t want to be with somebody who’d rather not be with me.” He said “Do I have to answer that right now?” I said “Yes, preferably – as you’re leaving for a business trip tomorrow and I’d rather have clarity before. And then he just said: “I’m sorry.” Turned around and left.

 I haven’t slept all night and feel completely devastated. Now I’m at work, trying to get through the day. I had a big party planned for the weekend and I invited 40 people. They’re all going to ask where he is. Right now I can’t see myself going through with that. I miss him. I want him back. I can’t even fathom having to go back on the apps at almost 50. I’m sick of dating and I just want to finally find my person. I don’t think I’ve ever been so sad. Sorry, I know this is not really a question. I just needed to write this down somewhere ☹