My BF multi-dated in the beginning. Was I truly “the one”?

[toujoursycroire]

My boyfriend and I (both 29) have been together for almost 2 years. He is very loving, loyal, and invested. But I still struggle with some things that happened during our 3-month dating stage, which I only discovered much later. How can i understand his behaviour then and can i really trust him? 

June: we met on Tinder. He lived in another city. We texted every day and went on 3 dates. At that point, it was only talking. He was not pushy, and I also wanted to take things slow. At the same time, he was still seeing some girls he had met on Tinder before me. With some, it came to kissing; with one girl, he slept with her once during that month while we were still platonic. I was not seeing anyone else but I also did not take him too seriously yet and just enjoyed our conversations. 

July: on our 4th date, we went hiking and he kissed me. It was more reserved than passionate. Apparently after after our first kiss, he still felt some nostalgia about his ex and even thought about contacting her again (did not do it).

After that, he matched with a new girl on Tinder (Hannah). This part hurts me especially: after some days of only texting, he spoke about her to his mom in a very excited way (July 18th), saying things like he “might really like this girl,”  “crazy how fast you can feel it,” and asking his mom how he could make it work if they had not even met yet. The same evening, he met me, brought me flowers, and was very affectionate and romantic. Nothing suggested that he had another interest. 

Hannah did not seem particularly interested in him, and they never met, although he invited her more than once. After July 18th she stopped replying, and he stopped texting her for some time too.

Meanwhile, our connection deepened. He was invested and openly expressed feelings for me. By the end of July, he said he was “done with other people” and wanted to get to know me “without other people in between us.”  (i did not give a direct reply) At that time there was no contact with Hannah anymore. 

August: everything was leading toward a relationship. I felt very special to him and believed his feelings for me were exclusive. He told his friends and family that he wanted a relationship with me - and to me as well. 

But around that same time, he contacted Hannah again. He was planning to visit some friends in the city where she lived, asked if she wanted to meet, but she was away. They talked a little more, and then he wrote her: “I’d like to get to know you, maybe we could talk on the phone?” Hannah said she did not have time.

On that very same day before that, he was texting me how special I was to him and how much he missed me! 

About a week later he asked me to become his girlfriend and was overly happy. 

His explanation now:

He says he had feelings for me since the 1st kiss, but he did not want to “rush in” and wanted to keep options open until he felt completely sure. According to him, he had made the mistake in a previous relationship of committing too quickly, so this time he wanted to be 100% certain when he asked me to be his girlfriend. He also did not know if i was seeing anyone else and thought of me as "out of his league", he wanted to be extra careful.

He admits he was interested in Hannah at first, but says it was only occasional conversations and part of him “trying to understand himself,” especially in relation to me. He says he tried to suppress his feelings for me and he did not want to move too fast.

I do believe that his feelings for me were real. He was always attentive, texted first, always initiated everything, and seemed very invested.

After we got together:

He never flirted with anyone else again and blocked all the other women. We have a good relationship, and no one has ever treated me with so much care.

I discovered the screenshots from conversations with Hannah on his Ipad that he gave me for use. He apologised for his past behaviour, says he did not want to hurt me and thought it is okay to keep options open until you get together. He says he would do everything differently now.

But I still feel like a second choice. Like he was much more excited for Hannah (a fantasy of her).

I always hear: “If you really like someone, you stop searching, you lose interest in others”. This makes me feel so sad. How could he be so excited about someone he had never even met, especially if he says he already had feelings for me then?

Can I trust that I was the one he truly wanted, or does this sound more like he eventually settled for me? 

 

 

[Gebidozo]

2 minutes ago, toujoursycroire said:

But I still feel like a second choice. Like he was much more excited for Hannah (a fantasy of her).

Yes, that’s exactly what it was.

 

3 minutes ago, toujoursycroire said:

I always hear: “If you really like someone, you stop searching, you lose interest in others”. 

That is correct.

 

3 minutes ago, toujoursycroire said:

Can I trust that I was the one he truly wanted, or does this sound more like he eventually settled for me? 

I’m sorry, but to me it sounds like he settled for you, and I wouldn’t trust him.

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I’m sorry, but to me it sounds like he settled for you, and I wouldn’t trust him.

Yes, I have to agree. 

I'm sorry, OP. 

[toujoursycroire]

we talked about it a couple of times and he says i was always his Nr. 1, Hannah was just a "test" for him to understand his own feelings. And that he would not start a relationship with me if he was not sure that i am the One...

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, toujoursycroire said:

we talked about it a couple of times and he says i was always his Nr. 1, Hannah was just a "test" for him to understand his own feelings. And that he would not start a relationship with me if he was not sure that i am the One...

You clearly don't really believe that, though. 

And frankly, neither would I. 

[introverted1]

7 hours ago, toujoursycroire said:

we talked about it a couple of times and he says i was always his Nr. 1, Hannah was just a "test" for him to understand his own feelings. And that he would not start a relationship with me if he was not sure that i am the One...

How does he (or you) reconcile the statement above with the ones below?

On 4/7/2026 at 11:54 AM, toujoursycroire said:

After that, he matched with a new girl on Tinder (Hannah). This part hurts me especially: after some days of only texting, he spoke about her to his mom in a very excited way (July 18th), saying things like he “might really like this girl,”  “crazy how fast you can feel it,” and asking his mom how he could make it work if they had not even met yet.

This doesn't sound promising to me. 

 

[toujoursycroire]

9 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

How does he (or you) reconcile the statement above with the ones below?

This doesn't sound promising to me. 

 

he said that it was only a projection, he did not even know the person. he liked her optically at first but that's it, they never had any kind of a deep conversation. he wanted to meet her personally because he is not much of a texter and prefers to meet people in real life. he says he understood pretty fast that she was quite shallow and there were no prospects, he stayed in contact with her in order to not overinvest in me and because he generally wanted to live his single life. he knew i was something serious and special but was not ready for that at first. and wanted to keep some options until he was completely sure (which he then was). 

he admits it was very foolish on his side

[introverted1]

3 minutes ago, toujoursycroire said:

he said that it was only a projection, he did not even know the person. he liked her optically at first but that's it, they never had any kind of a deep conversation. he wanted to meet her personally because he is not much of a texter and prefers to meet people in real life. he says he understood pretty fast that she was quite shallow and there were no prospects, he stayed in contact with her in order to not overinvest in me and because he generally wanted to live his single life. he knew i was something serious and special but was not ready for that at first. and wanted to keep some options until he was completely sure (which he then was). 

he admits it was very foolish on his side

He's 29, not a kid.  My take is that he is too old for this sort of "projection," assuming you buy that's what it was (and I do not).

Based on your OP, he had 4 dates with you which included one "reserved" kiss, and then he decided to pursue a Tinder match. This reads to me that he did not feel a strong romantic/sexual pull toward you after your kiss.

He then spent a few weeks trying to arrange a date with Hannah but she was not interested enough to make a plan. At the end of July, he told you he was no longer seeing anyone else and by early August he suggested that you two become exclusive.  Yet within a week or two he reached out to Hannah again, in hopes of seeing her.

So when did he come to the realisation that Hannah was shallow exactly?  

What do you suppose would have been the outcome had Hannah agreed to meet him in August?

I know you want to believe him but his actions simply do not add up imo.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

35 minutes ago, toujoursycroire said:

, he stayed in contact with her in order to not overinvest in me

I would be insulted that he thinks you're naive enough to believe this. 

He's full of equine manure, girl. 

[toujoursycroire]

27 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

He's 29, not a kid.  My take is that he is too old for this sort of "projection," assuming you buy that's what it was (and I do not).

Based on your OP, he had 4 dates with you which included one "reserved" kiss, and then he decided to pursue a Tinder match. This reads to me that he did not feel a strong romantic/sexual pull toward you after your kiss.

He then spent a few weeks trying to arrange a date with Hannah but she was not interested enough to make a plan. At the end of July, he told you he was no longer seeing anyone else and by early August he suggested that you two become exclusive.  Yet within a week or two he reached out to Hannah again, in hopes of seeing her.

So when did he come to the realisation that Hannah was shallow exactly?  

What do you suppose would have been the outcome had Hannah agreed to meet him in August?

I know you want to believe him but his actions simply do not add up imo.

 

what was it in your opinion? i know for sure that they did not talk much, he only saw some photos of her, exchanged a couple of messages and got very excited. that also doesnt sound like a serious interest if he did not even know a person. 

You are right, i also thought that there was no real romance. i should admit that i was reserved as well. after our first kiss the directly proposed to meet again in a couple of days, said that he "freed the schedule for us" and would like to spend a weekend with me, cooking together etc. I declined it because it felt like a bit too much. However I agreed to meet for coffee and then we had a small conflict/misunderstanding on cultural basis and i was more reserved that usual to him. That is when he matched with Hannah on Tinder. They only chatted for a bit online and he already got excited. The day he wrote excited messages about her to his mother (in the morning) is also the day where he was for the first time really passionate with me (we had a date in the evening) and brought me flowers - this also does not add up. 

Hannah was not really interested and he did not "pursue" her for 2 weeks or so. At that time we got pretty close and he wanted to see me every other day. 

He says he understood pretty fast that it was a shallow story, within the first conversations, but it was also a time when he was listeting to coaches, and all of them ususally say that you should date multiple people at the same time, that is why she kept that contact and reached out once again later. 

I am very confused

Edited 9 hours ago by toujoursycroire

[toujoursycroire]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would be insulted that he thinks you're naive enough to believe this. 

He's full of equine manure, girl. 

of course i was too, and things are not good between us now. other than that we have a solid relationship and he never looked at or chatted with some other girl. Actually he blocked all the other girls after we started our relationship (i did not ask it). 

[toujoursycroire]

generally saying, when i met him 2 years ago he was indeed immature and insecure, used to always ask his mother for advice even when dating girls and telling her everything (at 27!). that is how i know that he was very happy when we got together and could not believe his luck. I also know that he was intimidated by me in the beginning because we come from pretty different cultures (Hannah comes from his culture by the way).

Lucklily he improved himself and does not involve his mother anymore, fully separated himself. Unfortunately in the beginning i knew nothing about it, he showed me only his best side.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, toujoursycroire said:

things are not good between us now.

I can understand why. 

I think you know deep-down that he was indeed hoping to date this Hannah woman. Despite how he tries to spin this to make himself look better and to avoid hurting you further, it's evident that the truth actually is. 

The question is, do you feel you can continue the relationship knowing this? 

[introverted1]

What are the cultural differences?

This could well be a compelling reason for him to want to date Hannah.

ETA:  At 29, after dating for 2 years, it seems to me you should both know whether you are life partners or not. 

Edited 8 hours ago by introverted1

[toujoursycroire]

41 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

What are the cultural differences?

This could well be a compelling reason for him to want to date Hannah.

ETA:  At 29, after dating for 2 years, it seems to me you should both know whether you are life partners or not. 

i am from Eastern Europe (traditional household) and he is from West Germany. For example: he was very motivated from the beginning to cook at my place, and i had to tell him that i don't invite men to my place and take things slowly. I also don't really kiss on the 1st date etc.

On our 5th date, before matching with Hannah, there was a misunderstanding about who should pay. He told me that he doesnt want to pay for every date "just in order to see me" and this phrase put me off. I told him that we don't really have to go on dates at all then and did not talk much to him for a couple of days.

We talked about it later, he apologised and explained that he always dated only 50/50, but he respects my culture and wants to try it differently this time. "Feelings" for Hannah happened exactly during that period

Edited 7 hours ago by toujoursycroire

[introverted1]

Where are you living now?

Cultural differences matter and typically extend past dating.

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

At 29, after dating for 2 years, it seems to me you should both know whether you are life partners or not. 

Have you discussed this?