My BF multi-dated in the beginning. Was I truly “the one”?

[toujoursycroire]

My boyfriend and I (both 29) have been together for almost 2 years. He is very loving, loyal, and invested. But I still struggle with some things that happened during our 3-month dating stage, which I only discovered much later. How can i understand his behaviour then and can i really trust him? 

June: we met on Tinder. He lived in another city. We texted every day and went on 3 dates. At that point, it was only talking. He was not pushy, and I also wanted to take things slow. At the same time, he was still seeing some girls he had met on Tinder before me. With some, it came to kissing; with one girl, he slept with her once during that month while we were still platonic. I was not seeing anyone else but I also did not take him too seriously yet and just enjoyed our conversations. 

July: on our 4th date, we went hiking and he kissed me. It was more reserved than passionate. Apparently after after our first kiss, he still felt some nostalgia about his ex and even thought about contacting her again (did not do it).

After that, he matched with a new girl on Tinder (Hannah). This part hurts me especially: after some days of only texting, he spoke about her to his mom in a very excited way (July 18th), saying things like he “might really like this girl,”  “crazy how fast you can feel it,” and asking his mom how he could make it work if they had not even met yet. The same evening, he met me, brought me flowers, and was very affectionate and romantic. Nothing suggested that he had another interest. 

Hannah did not seem particularly interested in him, and they never met, although he invited her more than once. After July 18th she stopped replying, and he stopped texting her for some time too.

Meanwhile, our connection deepened. He was invested and openly expressed feelings for me. By the end of July, he said he was “done with other people” and wanted to get to know me “without other people in between us.”  (i did not give a direct reply) At that time there was no contact with Hannah anymore. 

August: everything was leading toward a relationship. I felt very special to him and believed his feelings for me were exclusive. He told his friends and family that he wanted a relationship with me - and to me as well. 

But around that same time, he contacted Hannah again. He was planning to visit some friends in the city where she lived, asked if she wanted to meet, but she was away. They talked a little more, and then he wrote her: “I’d like to get to know you, maybe we could talk on the phone?” Hannah said she did not have time.

On that very same day before that, he was texting me how special I was to him and how much he missed me! 

About a week later he asked me to become his girlfriend and was overly happy. 

His explanation now:

He says he had feelings for me since the 1st kiss, but he did not want to “rush in” and wanted to keep options open until he felt completely sure. According to him, he had made the mistake in a previous relationship of committing too quickly, so this time he wanted to be 100% certain when he asked me to be his girlfriend. He also did not know if i was seeing anyone else and thought of me as "out of his league", he wanted to be extra careful.

He admits he was interested in Hannah at first, but says it was only occasional conversations and part of him “trying to understand himself,” especially in relation to me. He says he tried to suppress his feelings for me and he did not want to move too fast.

I do believe that his feelings for me were real. He was always attentive, texted first, always initiated everything, and seemed very invested.

After we got together:

He never flirted with anyone else again and blocked all the other women. We have a good relationship, and no one has ever treated me with so much care.

I discovered the screenshots from conversations with Hannah on his Ipad that he gave me for use. He apologised for his past behaviour, says he did not want to hurt me and thought it is okay to keep options open until you get together. He says he would do everything differently now.

But I still feel like a second choice. Like he was much more excited for Hannah (a fantasy of her).

I always hear: “If you really like someone, you stop searching, you lose interest in others”. This makes me feel so sad. How could he be so excited about someone he had never even met, especially if he says he already had feelings for me then?

Can I trust that I was the one he truly wanted, or does this sound more like he eventually settled for me? 

 

 

[Gebidozo]

2 minutes ago, toujoursycroire said:

But I still feel like a second choice. Like he was much more excited for Hannah (a fantasy of her).

Yes, that’s exactly what it was.

 

3 minutes ago, toujoursycroire said:

I always hear: “If you really like someone, you stop searching, you lose interest in others”. 

That is correct.

 

3 minutes ago, toujoursycroire said:

Can I trust that I was the one he truly wanted, or does this sound more like he eventually settled for me? 

I’m sorry, but to me it sounds like he settled for you, and I wouldn’t trust him.

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I’m sorry, but to me it sounds like he settled for you, and I wouldn’t trust him.

Yes, I have to agree. 

I'm sorry, OP. 

[toujoursycroire]

we talked about it a couple of times and he says i was always his Nr. 1, Hannah was just a "test" for him to understand his own feelings. And that he would not start a relationship with me if he was not sure that i am the One...