I feel his wife should know.

[thesecretgirl]

Been in a relationship with MM for a year. I work with him. Currently going through NC because he has shown an interest in another woman at work, he says nothing is going on, but he is clearly interested in perusing her. It’s extremely painful, but i’ve realised I know my worth and I deserve more than a man who gets a kick from having multiple women. This man is a compulsive liar and a narcissist, only cares about himself and no one else's feelings. I am aware that I should not have expected loyalty from him. And really I have no right to be upset, knowing his wife has it 100 times worse than I do. However, he tried to make me feel like I was special, and I fell for it.

 

I feel his wife should know he is entertaining not only one but two women as well as her. I don’t want to do this though just for revenge, I don’t want to put his wife through the pain of knowing her husband is a cheat just so I can get revenge on him. But I really do feel like his wife should be made aware of what a disloyal and dishonest person her husband is.

Has anyone been in a situation where they’ve wanted to tell the wife?

I’m so scared this could all end wrong and I would have made the wrong choice if I do tell her. Especially as I work with MM.

Edited Tuesday at 09:42 AM by thesecretgirl

[introverted1]

8 hours ago, thesecretgirl said:

But I really do feel like his wife should be made aware of what a disloyal and dishonest person her husband is.

There is something disingenuous about wanting to tell the wife once an affair has run its course or, as in this case, the MM has cast his eye elsewhere.  Where was the desire to make the wife "be made aware of what a disloyal and dishonest person her husband is" when the MM first approached you, before the affair actually started?

8 hours ago, thesecretgirl said:

I don’t want to do this though just for revenge

Are you sure about that? 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, thesecretgirl said:

But I really do feel like his wife should be made aware of what a disloyal and dishonest person her husband is.

Yet you were okay with this when he paid more attention to you. 

No? 

[thesecretgirl]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yet you were okay with this when he paid more attention to you. 

No? 

She should've always known. I should have told her ages ago. I’ll admit that

[BaileyB]

Because you work with the man, I would not tell his wife. It would be different if you would have no other contact with them, no fear of reprisal. But, this is your livelihood, your security. For that reason, I would walk away. For all you know, she is aware and she has chosen to stay with the man. You just have no idea how she will respond to this news. 

I too agree that it’s disingenuous to tell his wife only after the affair has ended. While I personally would want to know, I would find your motives questionable and you would lack credibility. 

[Lotsgoingon]

It's none of your business what the why needs to know. And you're being dishonest here. You don't care about the wife's wellbeing. You want to tell the wife to crack back at married guy for dumping you. 

No, you ran the risk of getting involved with a married person, that's on you. In fact, to say dating a married person is a "risk" is wrong. It's 99 percent guaranteed never to result in a long-term relationship. 

OK, I just checked AI and it said rough estimates are only 3 to 10 percent of people marry their affair partner. And of those that do, the overwhelming number of those marriages  fail.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, thesecretgirl said:

She should've always known. I should have told her ages ago. I’ll admit that

And now you will have to find a way to live with it. 

It would be very unwise to stick your nose into their marriage any further, especially because you work with him. This is going to be an important lesson moving forward - make better decisions before you get yourself into a mess rather than trying to undo damage later on. 

[basil67]

You're only telling her as revenge.  If I were in her shoes, I'd give the ex-OW a thorough dressing down right there on the doorstep

Edited Wednesday at 05:56 AM by basil67

[Anonymous]

On 4/8/2026 at 2:27 AM, thesecretgirl said:

She should've always known. I should have told her ages ago. I’ll admit that

No, you shouldn't.

YOU CHOSE to have an affair with a MM.  You are at least as guilty as he is.

Now, you just want to tell her out of spite.

If, as you claim, you now "know your worth" then just forget them both and get on with your life.

[Sanch62]

On 4/7/2026 at 5:41 AM, thesecretgirl said:

I really do feel like his wife should be made aware of what a disloyal and dishonest person her husband is.

Yeah, right. Where was your altruistic self hidden while this guy's disloyalty benefited you?

It makes no sense to compound your problem by creating an enemy on your job.

The way to make a mistake work for you is to learn from it. In this case, the best message to take is to stop inserting yourself into anyone else's marriage. Start by leaving the guy and his wife alone.

[thesecretgirl]

7 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Yeah, right. Where was your altruistic self hidden while this guy's disloyalty benefited you?

It makes no sense to compound your problem by creating an enemy on your job.

The way to make a mistake work for you is to learn from it. In this case, the best message to take is to stop inserting yourself into anyone else's marriage. Start by leaving the guy and his wife alone.

Honestly even before this OOW i’ve drafted so many messages to his wife. Yes even before we started having issues. But due to the fact I work with him I haven’t done it.

 

I hate myself for what i’ve done. I never wanted to get in to this. But I did.

 

[Anonymous]

1 hour ago, thesecretgirl said:

Honestly even before this OOW i’ve drafted so many messages to his wife. Yes even before we started having issues. But due to the fact I work with him I haven’t done it.

 

I hate myself for what i’ve done. I never wanted to get in to this. But I did.

 

then you just need to grow up, stop lying to yourself, and take SOME responsibility for your own actions.

You absolutely DID want to get into this.  You didn't just trip and fall on his penis.

If you now feel guilty about screwing a married man, then good.  Move on with your life, and don't do it again.

Let me explain to you what has ACTUALLY happened:
You THOUGHT that you were SPECIAL.  That for a man to risk his marriage, must mean that you are in some way spectacular and worth the risk.  You were both falettered and titilated by this.
NOW you have suddenly realised that he is just an a-hole who will screw anything in heels.  You're hurt and you are jealous.  
So out of SPITE, you want to hurt him and also his wife.

Whatever happens, whether his wife finds out or not, YOU need to grow up and get on with your life

[thesecretgirl]

Just now, Anonymous said:

then you just need to grow up, stop lying to yourself, and take SOME responsibility for your own actions.

You absolutely DID want to get into this.  You didn't just trip and fall on his penis.

If you now feel guilty about screwing a married man, then good.  Move on with your life, and don't do it again.

Let me explain to you what has ACTUALLY happened:
You THOUGHT that you were SPECIAL.  That for a man to risk his marriage, must mean that you are in some way spectacular and worth the risk.  You were both falettered and titilated by this.
NOW you have suddenly realised that he is just an a-hole who will screw anything in heels.  You're hurt and you are jealous.  
So out of SPITE, you want to hurt him and also his wife.

Whatever happens, whether his wife finds out or not, YOU need to grow up and get on with your life

I don’t think it’s very nice to tell me to grow up, I come on here expecting some advice and I thought everyone in this forum is on similar situations.

 

The plan is to move on, I wanted to hear from others who have maybe been in a similar situation. If you have nothing kind to say please don’t comment on my thread thank you