I feel his wife should know.

[thesecretgirl]

Been in a relationship with MM for a year. I work with him. Currently going through NC because he has shown an interest in another woman at work, he says nothing is going on, but he is clearly interested in perusing her. It’s extremely painful, but i’ve realised I know my worth and I deserve more than a man who gets a kick from having multiple women. This man is a compulsive liar and a narcissist, only cares about himself and no one else's feelings. I am aware that I should not have expected loyalty from him. And really I have no right to be upset, knowing his wife has it 100 times worse than I do. However, he tried to make me feel like I was special, and I fell for it.

 

I feel his wife should know he is entertaining not only one but two women as well as her. I don’t want to do this though just for revenge, I don’t want to put his wife through the pain of knowing her husband is a cheat just so I can get revenge on him. But I really do feel like his wife should be made aware of what a disloyal and dishonest person her husband is.

Has anyone been in a situation where they’ve wanted to tell the wife?

I’m so scared this could all end wrong and I would have made the wrong choice if I do tell her. Especially as I work with MM.

Edited yesterday at 09:42 AM by thesecretgirl

[introverted1]

8 hours ago, thesecretgirl said:

But I really do feel like his wife should be made aware of what a disloyal and dishonest person her husband is.

There is something disingenuous about wanting to tell the wife once an affair has run its course or, as in this case, the MM has cast his eye elsewhere.  Where was the desire to make the wife "be made aware of what a disloyal and dishonest person her husband is" when the MM first approached you, before the affair actually started?

8 hours ago, thesecretgirl said:

I don’t want to do this though just for revenge

Are you sure about that? 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, thesecretgirl said:

But I really do feel like his wife should be made aware of what a disloyal and dishonest person her husband is.

Yet you were okay with this when he paid more attention to you. 

No? 

[thesecretgirl]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yet you were okay with this when he paid more attention to you. 

No? 

She should've always known. I should have told her ages ago. I’ll admit that

[BaileyB]

Because you work with the man, I would not tell his wife. It would be different if you would have no other contact with them, no fear of reprisal. But, this is your livelihood, your security. For that reason, I would walk away. For all you know, she is aware and she has chosen to stay with the man. You just have no idea how she will respond to this news. 

I too agree that it’s disingenuous to tell his wife only after the affair has ended. While I personally would want to know, I would find your motives questionable and you would lack credibility. 

[Lotsgoingon]

It's none of your business what the why needs to know. And you're being dishonest here. You don't care about the wife's wellbeing. You want to tell the wife to crack back at married guy for dumping you. 

No, you ran the risk of getting involved with a married person, that's on you. In fact, to say dating a married person is a "risk" is wrong. It's 99 percent guaranteed never to result in a long-term relationship. 

OK, I just checked AI and it said rough estimates are only 3 to 10 percent of people marry their affair partner. And of those that do, the overwhelming number of those marriages  fail.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, thesecretgirl said:

She should've always known. I should have told her ages ago. I’ll admit that

And now you will have to find a way to live with it. 

It would be very unwise to stick your nose into their marriage any further, especially because you work with him. This is going to be an important lesson moving forward - make better decisions before you get yourself into a mess rather than trying to undo damage later on. 

[basil67]

You're only telling her as revenge.  If I were in her shoes, I'd give the ex-OW a thorough dressing down right there on the doorstep

Edited 7 hours ago by basil67